(Father)

The grief has odd dimensions. Remembering only the good about him, idealizing him. Feeling physically ill, manic or exhausted. It is recent. Intellectualizing.

Anyone been through or know resources (books?) for this type of loss?:crying

I haven't lost him yet, but I will be in a similar situation. I'm thinking of you and hope you find the support you need. :hug

Thanks for the hug, Quirky. :) I sure need some!

Yes, actually. But I never thought of it that way before.
My Stepmother was extremely emotionally abusive.
I don't have any good advice, because I never dealt with it properly. She died six months after my father died, and then I was responsible for clearing out and selling the house, etc. I'm still numb, 10 years later. Sorry, I'm not offering anything positive here.

When it happened I was so unbelievably griefstricken, maybe bc the opportunity to make ammends was obliterated.

I think many of us in this position still loved our parent to a certain extent, and it is just so heartwrenching to suffer this kind of (or any kind of) loss.

:hugs to you. Hope you can find peace.

AW, actually you are offering something positive!

1.the validation that emotional abuse is still abuse
2.the validation that an abusive parent is still someone you mourn and that's normal

Sorry it's been a rough road for you! SIx mos. apart, ouch!

Momtwice, when my parents split up in 1997 my mom finally went into therapy - it was a long time coming. Her mom died when she was 9 and her father abandoned her emotionally. He died in 1984. Anyway, she still had a lot of issues with him that she had never resolved. Her therapist had her talk to (yell at, cry at) his picture in therapy to help her work stuff out. It helped her a lot and it showed me that you can continue to work on relationships on your end even when the other person isn't available.

I don't know if you have a good therapist or if therapy is something you are into but whether it's with someone else's help or on your own that might be something to try if it feels safe for you.

You could also write him a letter and burn it.

More :hug :hug :hug for you. ITA, emotional abuse is still abuse!!

One of the things that was so hard for me in therapy about my emotionally abusive father from whom I am estranged was the grief I felt even though he's not dead yet. I still remember how gently my therapist said to me, "It is a death. The dream of how you wanted your relationship with him to be is dead, and you have to mourn that."

ITA, emotional abuse is still abuse!!
One of the things that was so hard for me in therapy about my emotionally abusive father from whom I am estranged was the grief I felt even though he's not dead yet. I still remember how gently my therapist said to me, "It is a death. The dream of how you wanted your relationship with him to be is dead, and you have to mourn that."

Yes! Emotional abuse IS abuse! I am estraged from my mother, and because of that, I am cut out of that side of the family. And yes, there was a period of grief over "what might have been" when I finally realized that it "never would be".

My mother is still alive, and my husband has asked me if I would attend her funeral (assuming anyone tells me about it). And my answer was "I don't know." That whole family has rejected me because I chose being emotionally and physically healthy over having a relationship with my mother. So my showing up at the funeral could be...unintentionally incendiary.

Of course my NOT showing up will be interpreted negatively, too. So it's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.

Sorry if I hijacked the thread. I can see how the grief following an abusive parent's death would have unique dimensions.

I wonder if the book Toxic Parents has any information on this. It's been a few years since I read it, and I was searching primarily for information on the decision to become estranged (like, when is it bad enough to choose this), so I don't remember. It's worth a shot. I'll see if I can find my copy.

Ann-Marita

You're not highjacking! Your insights are very helpful.

My mom was emotionally abusive and while she is still alive, she has Alzheimers and is gradually fading away. I find it very important to grieve - her loss of herself and also any hopes I have of anything ever changing. Fortunately she is becoming "softer" than ever before but I sometimes get mad at how crazy she has always been and how mild she is now. I think I will have two mothers to grieve when she does actually die, if that makes any sense.

In some ways, grief for an abusive parent can be very healing - there is no longer any threat of being harmed and you no longer have to protect yourself from him/her.

While grieving, it has taken me years to become my own person and not the one who was controlled, manipulated, humiliated, intimidated, and oppressed until the death of my stepmother.