fear in life after loss

[ggma]

I birthed twin boys to spirit at 5.5 months with my first pregnancy. Then I birthed our beautiful boy, Raidan, 7 months ago. I find myself thinking about the twins a lot lately and this prompted me to start checking out this forum. I feel like I am honoring them and my experience. Here's my wondering - does anyone else feel a fear of loss that wasn't present before? It overwhelms me sometimes - a what if kind of fear - big what if's that never had the same kind of resonance before. Because I had never experienced a loss of that intensity... and it continually prompts me to be present in ALL of this mothering journey... and to really be available to all of the small moments. But, sometimes it creeps around inside and creates this yucky dark scary place that I'd like to let go of. Any thoughts? Ifeel a bit better just writing this out... peace and ease to all, ggma.

[srain]

I have so much more fear since losing my son at 32 weeks. It just gave me a permanent feeling that everything isn't right in the world- which of course I knew intellectually, but I'd never experienced anything so awful before, so it really hit home. I'm much more protective of my 4-year-old son, and am continuously afraid I'll lose my current pregnancy. (I found myself starting to call a funeral home last week to see if they'd cremate a miscarried baby, in case I lose this one before the third trimester!) It's lessened somewhat over the past year and a half since my loss, but it's very much there and I don't have any good ideas on letting it go. All the other folks I know IRL who've lost babies are comforted by their religions, and while I'd love to believe in heaven/ God's will/ etc. which help them, my atheism just won't let me.

[farmlife]

I was just looking around for someone else with these feelings. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I felt so confident as I was about to go into my 2nd trimester and saw strong little heartbeat...and then gone. I hold my son tighter. I have fear when my husband is coming home late at night that something will happen to him. I fear the death of the people I love. My toddler can run around a corner or hide behind a tree and for a moment I feel like "OH MY WHAT IF I JUST LOST HIM!" It is not a rational response to playing in our yard. Or a car the other day slowed down by our house, could have been any number of reasons - i'm hoping they were just checking out the cows, but I immediately thought they were planning on taking my son. And what if he is stolen from me too? I feel like my baby was stolen and my loss has created a hypervigilante type fear in me.

[SamuraiEarthMama]

i'm not sure how or why or when, but at some point during my mothering career, i had to make a conscientious decision to live with less fear in my life.

we live in a very fear-based culture, so i don't know where to point you to try to help alleviate it.

it's hard sometimes... losing my two pregnancies, and being close when other women have lost children, and having other things happen (robberies, etc.)... all can shake my sense of peace.

but i do know that living in fear of something does NOT prevent that thing from happening. and i can choose to live with the fear, or without it. i know i can deal with whatever it is that happens, and a life of peace and security is far easier and gentler than one without it.

certainly, you use common sense and wisdom to prevent mishaps. but there are some things that will happen (miscarriage, for example) whether or not you worry about them.

i know i'm a LOT happier when i'm not worrying. i hope you can find a way to that place, too!

hugs,

katje

[farmlife]

Katje, thank you for the wisdom of your post...:)

[ggma]

Katje - I appreciate your words and the grace behind them! I agree with choosing to let the fear go and feel like I do this intellectually but it seems that there is a little nook or cranny inside where the fear holes up and grabs out at me when there is a moment of weakness or sometimes just plain openness. When I feel more open to emotion maybe? looking at my son and feeling overwhelmed with love and then I'm so open - and it is a similar experience to the love I feel for the twins so I guess it makes sense that the brain connects it all... thinking out loud here hope no one minds. So I am aware of the fear (and gratitude to self for being aware) and the next step for me is to choose to do something different each time I feel it starting - instead of investing energy in the fear place - choosing to create a new, wider, lighter place inside by... taking the time to close my eyes when I feel the fear reaching out - slowing and deepening my breath - and letting the fear release with each and every exhale. And then working with a beautiful visual of opening to bring me back to peace - a fern unwinding to the light, the sun setting over Lake Michigan, my babies sleepy nursing face. I believe life to be about opening the self, learning from experience, and choosing to live with intention and goodness - and I want to teach this to my child - what better way to teach than by living it. So here is me willing to keep practicing :heartbeat Thank you all for feedback, I felt inspired to keep working with this inside instead of putting it off for later, and hope that some of these words do the same for you... peace and ease, ggma.

[OceanMomma]

I feel the same too. I think I am the only Mum I know IRL who doesn't mind about her babes waking up all night! It is a vague, intangible fear I feel. It never manifests itself as "what if ..." It is just some wierd internal gut feeling somewhere that bothers me that I never had before. I've always been very laid back. I am a great believer in fate. But still. I am forever changed by my losses. I just have to strive to use my new fear positively instead of possesively if that makes any sense at all.

[ggma]

Oceanmama - it makes complete sense to me. I think this is difficult to put into words. The words all seem so simple to me and when I say, "I'm afraid" out loud it just doesn't mean what I feel inside... I like your words - using the new fear positively instead of possesively. To me, it sounds like using the experience to move you forward instead of owning the fear/pain etc. or letting it own you. Which is what I am working towards...