Trying again after a loss

[Arduinna]

I hope it's ok to post this topic here. If not, then I hope the moderators move it to the correct folder.

It's been three years since we lost our baby. For the first year I didn't even want to try again. We have since tried off and on. But I know that I am blocking myself from getting pg again. I think it's a combination of fear that I will lose another baby, and feeling that if we have another child that I will forget the one I lost. Or that it will mean I have to offically move on, that it didn't matter or something. The common attitude seems to be " well your ok now because you have a baby now" I just can't believe that.

How do I become ok? I don't know what to do to make it ok to get pregnant again.

Someone please share some words of wisdom.

[onehipmomma]

((((((Arduinna)))))) I lost my first pregnancy and it was very difficult for me. At first I tried to get pg right away, and then I didn't want to try at all. Eventually I left it up to God. I still think of my first baby often. I will always remember that pregnany nothing can erase that time in my life. Having ds sure does make up for it though. I know that things have worked out the way they were meant to, and I am sure that they will for you too. It just takes a while to get there ;)

I wish you peace and comfort in the meantime. :better

Christina

[Jacque Savageau]

This is absolutely the right place for this discussion. I think it all ties in together.

I lost my first child, so I tend to see more from that angle. For me I HAD to have another child, but I was terrified. I got pregnant quickly after her loss and spent the entire pregnancy in fear.

If you have some time, sift through some of the past posts. We've had several discussions on ttc after a loss that were very thougthfull and honest.

I wish I could tell you there's no risk and that everything will be ok, but I think we both know otherwise. You need to reach down deep inside of you and decide what's best for you and how you'll handle everything. Please know that you're free to discuss your feelings here-we do care.

A New Heart Beats

I think of you still my first child
as a new heart beats in my womb
I should be thinking of him
but today, I'm still mourning you

why are you gone?
I should be loving this new life
but today I'm still mourning you
what's a broken hearted mother to do?

[khrisday]

I went through the same thing as Jacque- lost the first one and got pg really soon after that with my ds. I don't think a life that has touched yours ever leaves, you're changed forever. I don't know wht it's such a taboo thing in our society, either- it's so harmful to women. I had a really hard time letting go of that first baby- we tried for a year before we got pregnant, so it was very much a wanted baby. What helped me was to have a small ceremony for the baby- just DH and I. We named the baby and each wrote it a letter, then burned the letters. It gave me some closure, some peace. I know you are Pagan- have you done any ritual for the baby? it might help?

[Arduinna]

Thanks to you all for the replys.

I was lucky enough to have a wonderful midwife caring for me during my pregnancy and she helped me by suggesting that we name the baby and have a small family memorial. We did name the baby, but I was so depressed that hubby and dd were the only ones that participated in honoring the baby. I layed in bed and cried instead. And I don't think I got out of bed much for weeks and weeks.

I love the suggestion of writing a letter to the baby. I've never done that. I hope doing that and finally taking the time to honor the baby will bring me some acceptance. Thank you for the suggestion of a ritual. I think it's a wonderful idea.

I will scroll through the folder and look for the other threads.

[OceanMomma]

I found what helped me after my ectopic was having some reikki. It made all the difference to me mentally.

After I lost my next baby tho' I was a bit more shakey. I found a sympathetic doctor & had myself tested for every bacterial infection under the sun. I sorted my diet out & took decent multi-vitamin & mineral supplements & EFAs - especially iron since I had lost a lot of blood when I lost the last baby. I cut out coffee & tea & junk food totally. I didn't overexercise & I rested lots. I went to acupuncture once a week for ages. Getting your dh to change his diet with you is also supposed to be very helpful but mine just wasn't interested. He thinks if he eats one vegetable a day he's "changed his diet" & is being healthy. He did stop drinking tho' & stopped smoking pot for a whole month so I s'pose that helped.

I'm going to see a fertility naturopath on thursday coz we're thinking about ttc again & I feel I need more help in the area of my diet so if she says anything that could be of general use, do you want me to pm you or post it here ?

My last pregnancy was a pretty scarey event & I was very fearful thruout, but I got thru it & now have a beautiful 17 month old daughter.

Don't worry about having another child meaning you forget the ones you lost. You never do. As for society expecting you to move on if you have another child. IME most people expect you to move on about a week after you lose the baby anyways.

Best of luck & happy solstice for Friday.

[Mommy StormRaven]

First I posted what we are doing on a thred jsut a few minutes ago titled "what I'm doing to Cope" I also had a 90 minute session with TWO reiki masters yesterday - my D&C was friday - and I have to agree - it helped me immensely.

I hope that you find comfort somehow, My comfort is in knowing that my dear littel Eva is inthe Arms fo the Mother...

[XM]

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[Arduinna]

Thank you for the posts. I haven't really been able to think of anything to say. Sorry I didn't reply sooner.

[Jacque Savageau]

Arduinna, don't be sorry, you take the time you need to move through this - this is your grief and the women here understand that.

I hope your finding some gentlenss in the midst of all this. I still hold you in my thoughts.

[lestouffer]

I was pregnant again 6 weeks after my D&E with my stillborn DS. Erika is now almost 2 and the love of my life (along with her big sister), but I still get teary eyed at the thought of her big brother. I know that she wouldn't have existed with him (as I was already4 months pregant with her on his due date) and I think that that is some consolation, as I cannot imagine living a day with out her. But even though I know that the disease that had killed my son was a fluke (he was diagnosed with Dandy-walker syndrome in utero) it was stillscary.....good luck...

[gamrgrl]

Celebrate the life of the baby you lost. Do you have anything to remember him/her by? We are putting together a box of special things that will remind us of Dante, and I plan to take his birthday each year to go through them and remember my son. If you don't have anything you might want to get just a few small things that will remind you of your baby. Did you plan a nursury theme, get a article from it, and chose a new one for the new baby. Each life deserves a celebration of its own. Talk to your baby, write to your baby, try journaling, anything you need to do to work through the grief of your loss a bring you to a place where you are ready for another baby. ((hugs))