Is there any hope?

[tryinotoscarmykids]

I am new here so I don't know any of the insiders lingo. My wife has been posting a long time and recently said more and more dads were posting. I have three wonderful kids but most of the time feel like a crappy dad. I am around a lot and involved I love to play with them but I have a lot of "issues":crying that I seem unable to resolve. My wife is bitter and I fear she secretly hates me as a parent. I admit I am a toxic parent but am overwhelmed with the causes and even more perplexed about the solutions. My wife does not know I am posting and I kind of want to keep it that way. I work in a book store and have spent hours trying to find books that address the way I feel as a father but with no success. I was never around kids growing up, I had only one sister and had only one scarring experience with babies growing up until we had our own children. I had no idea what fatherhood would be like, I loved the idea of kids but was totally unprepared for the changes they bring. Moreover, I feel that parenting has brought out the worst in me and I hate that my poor sweet kids suffer bcz of my toxic parenting. I have tried to get into the causes and know my family was very disfunctional in some ways. My wife has been very patient for four years as I stumble along, she says I am getting better and times I feel I am but, my greatest fear is the reality I am living -- every day I just want to make it w/o scarring my kids and yet almost every day it seems in some way or another I do. Sometimes I wish they were safe from me and my own issues. I have tried to reclaim my inner child but found so much pain and anguish there that I cannot even address much of it w/o going catatonic so I don't bcz I still have to function; I have to work and study. My parents are oblivious. My mother has so many unresolved issues that she is in denial about it isn't funny. My Dad is emotionally cut off from all negativity, or at least he proclaims to be. Instead it works its way across in frustration, complaints, distrust. There is a rage inside of me, at times, I feel almost borderline abusive. I have prayed, meditated and yet it keeps coming back when I least expect it. There doesn't seem to be any help for people like me either you are a normal good dad, a disconnected dad, or an abuser in which case they take your kids away. My wife does not understand. She was raised with a lot of kids and was raising kids before she was in her teens. It comes so naturally to her and she has researched a ton. She is practically the perfect parent, and might be if she weren't burdened with me. Maybe
I shouldn't be doing this but oh well. I just want help and I don' know where to get it from. Have any of you dads ever experienced any of these feelings or am I really that messed up?

[Kauai'Mama]

I am not a dad but a new mom and with 2 step kids. My advice to you is to put yourself in their shoes and try to do things that they like or teach them things in fun ways. That will help you to bond and once you start to see all the different ways to do thing and make them fun it will become more and more easy.

My step son (10 yrs) never wanted to help while baking things like brownies. One day said "If you want to lick the boul you have to help!" Now he always does and loves it.

Be creative and you will enjoy their time with you. Your wife can help by including you in what ever it is she was doing.

The kids don't need to know about YOUR problems too.

Good luck and be positive.:p

[Zina]

What is it you do that you consider toxic parenting? What would you have wanted your parents to do when you were a child to make your upbringing healthier? Can you do that for your kids? If you don't want your kids to be in the same boat, face your pain, get help with it, no matter what. Things can only get better.

[papabliss]

Hi tryinotoscarmykids,

Three things come to mind.

First, I suggest you get a different username so we can address you by something more positive, not by a negative self-fulfilling prophesy. How about Colorado Dad, or Boulder Pop, or Dad Cubed.

Second, you are asking for help and openly admitting that things are not how you wish them to be. This means that you are aware of the reality of the situation (not in denial like you think your parents are), and that you believe that you can change. Both of these are excellent signs that life can and will get better.

Third, your profile states that you are a grad student and into fantasy writing. I believe that either one of those two traits is capable of knocking one clean out of functional reality. Grad students are notorious for losing track of what is important in life, as well as scoring about the same on personality inventories as do hardened criminals. But unlike the criminals, once you finish a semester or degree, normal life returns.

So what to do? Ask for help just like you are doing, but keep your family in the loop. I don’t think you can get a total fix without including them. It will also be good to own up to your perceived shortcomings as a father in the presence of your wife. Remember, if you play hide and seek too well, people will stop looking for you.

Finally, keep thinking. You cannot drag others into counseling, but you can acknowledge what is in your power and what is not. It is only those things within your power that you can change. Therefore if you feel you are a danger to your children, confess it and get professional help. You are an adult, a father, and a husband. You will forever be that now and even if you find your inner child, you will still have your own children who call you dad.

If posting here gives you a chance to explore your thoughts, then please continue. However, I believe the answers you are looking for are already within you. Think about what you really want and then do it.

Like Zina said, things can only get better.

Cheers, and I look forward to your posts.