I can't believe I'm feeling this way

[shannon0218]

Hi everyone. As many of you know, this is pregnancy #4 after 3 miscarriages. I always swore I would never complain about pregnancy symptoms, that I would simply be happy for being pregnant, never mind the discomfort or the inconvenience.
Here I am at 8.5 weeks, I'm suffering from severe hyperemisis gravidarum. I've been hospitalized twice. On Thursday of last week, when I went to hospital I was so dehydrated that it took them almost 2 hours to even get an IV in. All my veins were collapsed and even though I"m on heparin, I wouldn't even bleed when they removed the IV catheters. I was in for 3 days, finally released, they put in a new IV and sent me home with orders for home care. When the home care nurse arrived that IV had blown too. So back to the hospital. I was sent to emerg and while laying on the bed with the nurse stabbing me repeatedly I started to cry. The poor nurse thought she was hurting me and was very sympathetic. I couldn't speak and tell her it wasn't that (she was hurting me but not enough to cry) because I knew if I spoke it would go from tears to full blown bawling.
I was crying because I just couldn't cope anymore. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of being so horribly tired--not just pregnant tired, malnourished and dehydrated tired. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of not being able to shower properly because I have an IV in my arm. I'm tired of nurses being frustrated by not being able to hit a vein. I'm tired of looking like an IV drug user with bruises and needle sticks up and down my arms. I'm worried that I'm only 8.5 weeks and this will continue until 12 weeks or more and the IV that is in now I was told was in my very last vein--what the hell are we supposed to do now???
Worst of all, I'm scared that after all this hell I'm going through now I will miscarry anyway and my business will have suffered beyond repair only for me to not have a baby. I'm angry at myself for thinking while puking up water that it would be easier to just miscarry now--ok, that's the one that is killing me. If I do loose this one, I'm gonna blame my negative thoughts.
I'm just so lost and can't cope anymore. I don't know if I even want to cope anymore. I'm so frustrated and scared and I just don't know what to do.
Please nobody yell at me for my negative feelings, I know they are wrong, I don't know what I want or need, but I guess I needed to say all this.

[AbisMom]

Oh Honey - it sounds to me like you need a big :hug

You are not being negative about being pregnant - that is what you need to try to remember. You are simply being negative about being so darned sick. It really isn't fair that it has to be so hard for some, and these are not negative feelings toward your baby, just toward the circumstances. I am so sorry that this has been so difficult for you thus far, and I hope that you are soon feeling better and able to enjoy your pregnancy.

Again, many :hug :hug :hug to you.

[SweetTeach]

Shannon,
I am so sorry that you are so sick! I can imagine that if I were in your shoes I would feel just as conflicted as you do. Try not to hold yourself up to an impossible standard- you can say that this is a horrible side effect that you wish you didn't have to go through in order to have a baby. It doesn't mean that you don't want the baby! And nothing can take away your worries about losing another one- this just complicates the way you think and feel about it I'm sure.
I hope you feel a little better having vented. We are all rooting for you to stop puking, start rehydrating and to carry that baby home with you in 7 months!

:hug

[Aura_Kitten]

:: hands you a joint ::


(( i read Mothering! ))

[wilkers8]

I have a feeling that I will also be eating the words of "I will never complain about symptoms for the next pregnancy." I think that this is always easier said than done. Try not to beat yourself up over feeling this way (again, I know this is easier said than done).

I still think that someone should figure out how to reduce this whole 40 week duration into just a few weeks...at least for us mothers, who have lost a child!

[Katana]

:hug

I think it's perfectly okay to say what you've said in your post, Shannon. Release all that out into the open, don't hold it inside. One of the things that someone told me when I was first pregnant with ds was that he felt everything I felt, and knew everything I knew, as he was a part of me. So I always tried to get rid of all negative and sad thoughts, any way I could. If it helps you, in anyway to write it out, go for it.

I'm sorry you feel bad, and that this is so draining, and so hard for you. I'm going to wish that it gets better.

:hug

[SamuraiEarthMama]

oh, honey! how horrible!

one tiny comfort you can take: the sicker the mom, the more likely the baby is doing fine. my two m/c, i never got sick... my first three babies, i got so sick i lost 30 pounds with each pregnancy.

i haven't lost that much with this one, and that's because i did what klothos suggested. i know it's not for everyone, but it was a miracle for me. it's hard for me to post publicly about this (and i'm just hoping this isn't a well-traveled forum) but if you have ANY way to try it, please do so... even half an hour of not feeling pukey makes such a difference!

warm hugs to you. it WILL get better... i wish i could tell you when!

katje

[3 little birds]

You are dealing with extreme illness.

I get severe sickness with all my pregnancies, but not as bad as you and I had the same thoughts about it would be better to mc now than be this sick. It is just the misery talking and of course you don't really mean it. Try not to be hard on yourself.

I really hope you feel better soon.:hug

I would be right there with klothos and SEM if I knew how to obtain the necessary ingredient. ;)

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

Oh Shannon...So much love to you honey... :hug :hug
I so wish that there was something we could say that would "MAKE" you feel better...physically and emotionally.

Sending lot of love and good vibes your way....

[shannon0218]

Well, last night my stupid IV blew, just as I was trying to give my last gravol dose of the night, so now I have no IV again, making brushing my teeth this morning an adventure in puke. I don't know what they're going to do now, they can't put in a central line without x-ray, but I don't think there's any choice.
FWIW, a couple reasons the pot won't work, first it would make me cough, and if I so much as sneeze.....I puke....coughing would definitely be a bad thing. Secondly, I train drug dogs for a living and both of my "pets" are certified--so they would not leave me alone and would be scratching and barking at me--to alert me that I smelled of it.
Thanks for understanding how I feel everyone. I just don't know what will happen from here.

[its_our_family]

:hug

Man, I'm sorry it has turned out this way. You know, there are a lot of women who absolutely despise pregnancy for this reason but LOVE babies! What you are feeling, in my book, is normal. When you consider all youa re going through and what you have already endured you are doing great! I would be thinking and feeling the same things.

I hope things get better for you...

[Clarity]

It is absolutely ok to hate your pregnancy or your delivery even if you miss your babes and desperately want a baby! I was in the same boat...you have every right to complain! Just because you want a baby does not mean you want to be sick and and in pain. And you can kick anyone who says "it'll all be worth it." Sure, maybe some day. but right then? No consolation at all.

Ask them about a pic line...a synthetic line inserted into your vein to keep it open. It requires care, (heparin, usually) to keep it open and keeping it from getting infected. But if you're blowing out so many and need them so often, this would be a much less painful solution for you. Ask your doc and your home care nurses. I also strongly recommend acupuncture.


And sweetie, negative thoughts won't harm your babe. If it could make you miscarry, nobody'd ever have an abortion. Lot of women )esp before reliable birthcontrol) were very conflicted about pregnancy - and they had their babies and loved anbd loved and loved them.

[blessed2bamommie]

Oh Shannon....of course you would be feeling badly emotionally! I was and it was just because I wasn't used to feeling bad, and clearly you aren't either yet, yours has been so extreme, though! I'm praying for your healing and that you can enjoy this miracle that God blesses us with. :hug

Just because you've had a long, hard road to pregnancy doesn't mean you aren't human. :hug

[Rainbow]

Be easy on yourself. My DD was our first born child after 7 losses together. we mourned a lot while trying, and I to thought I'd never complain. Simple matter is, not matter HOW thankful you are to be pregnant... pregnancy can contain discomfort, and venting does not in any way mean you don't appreciate that baby inside of you. Seriously. I ended up complaining some towards the end. I was so swollen and tired (like everyone) and I was thankful to have a healthy pregnancy, but I was still miserable from symptoms. You can be both honest about how you feel and thankful for the child you carry.

[farmlife]

big hugs to you shannon for all you are going through. I'm so sorry your body is hurting right now.

[Jacque Savageau]

shannon, I completely understand :hug I'm SOOOO glad you're talking about your true emotions here.

I was SOOOO sick with ds and I suffered in silence because I thought I should be greatful (which I was). In fact I felt like crap! I had severe migrains to the point I couldn't even see. I was on IV and hospitalized MANY times in the first 5 months.

There were times I just wanted it all to stop I wondered if I were better off losing my son then and there. My son is now 9, he's healthy, beautiful and a constant joy to me.

It isnt' fair Shannon, you've been through so much and now this? It isn't fair and you have EVERY right to feel as you do. It will pass Shannon and when baby arrives the feelings you're having now will become a memory. But for now, let it out, cry, get mad, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself - We understand :hug

[shannon0218]

Thanks so much for all your support ladies. My doc seems to have come up with the right medication combo, that and the central line are making life more barable. It still sucks but I'm not considering termination any more. Of course now I've had some bleeding and have a tear between the chorion and amnion. I go back for another U/S on Friday to make sure it's not getting any worse.
I am however 10 weeks this friday, so I will be very pleased to see a heartbeat on friday--keep your fingers crossed!

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

Shannon,
Wondering how you are doing these days??? Wanting to check in with you... :love

[shannon0218]

Hi Jackie, I'm hanging in. It seems to have started letting up a bit. I was back in hospital for 4 days a little over a week ago and am unfortunately now up to 4 doses of 100mg IV gravol a day, which has me totally spaced most of the time.
I am now past the 12 week mark and heard the heartbeat by doppler this past thursday which was pretty cool.
So the hope is that within a couple weeks I'll be off the IV meds and then a couple weeks after that hopefully the picc line will be removed.

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

So glad to hear that you and your baby are doing well. I am so tickled to hear your news...
And the heartbeat :heartbeat HOW EXCITING.... :love

Much love to you..

[wilkers8]

So glad to hear things are going better!!

[proudmamanow]

It makes me so :love :D :love happy to know that things are going well, for you Shannon!