How to Talk to your Child about Suicide?

[lisamarie]

My dh died by suicide on 1/5/00, by hanging. I found him w/my ds right behind me~my ds never saw him though thankfully. I have always been honest w/my ds about his dad's death, but only have said what was age appropriate for him.

On Wed. night, my ds was having physical growing pains (he gets these alot). On Sat., my ds will turn 6 yo. It seems though, with the physical growing pains, he is also growing emotionally. So last night in bed my ds wanted to know "HOW" his dad did it. He know that he died by suicide by hanging w/a rope. What he wanted to know was "how" someone hangs themselves. O.K.~i have always been honest but HOW in the heck do you describe this to a 5 yo?????:angry :crying I told him that he tied a rope around his neck, he choked himself and stopped breathing. I didn't want to actually describe the act. Maybe I'm afraid of Dane trying it out (not to commit suicide, but just to "play" it) Then my ds said "Now we are getting somewhere". I asked if he understood it more now and was it making more sense, he said "no." Then I asked if it scared him the way Daddy Rob died and again he said "no".

I'm at a loss. I want to be prepared for the next time he asks more stuff and am going to call and leave a message for his therapist. I HATE this ~ I get so tired sometimes of talking about it. I don't let my ds know this, but just when I think things are going well~WHAMO. Then I had nightmares last night. I want him to be able to talk w/me, but sometimes I just don't want to talk about it, even though I know I have to.:splat :gross

Any suggestions? I'm tired from the nightmares and weapy:crying. Thanks for listening.

Warmly~

Lisa:love

[ladylee]

Lisa, I don't have any advice, but I'll be thinking of you both and sending much healing energy. I hope his therapist is able to help you with this challenge...

So many hugs coming to you :hug...

[abimommy]

I am so sorry...I dont have any idea what I would do...that is an incredibly difficult situation...but I will be praying for you..

[hahamommy]

So Lisa, I just found this post (sorry I am without words of wisdom and my wit doesn't seem quite appropriate here;) ) ... What did you tell Dane? How did you handle this? I'm curious, of course, because my children and I also seem to have more, uh, ummm, detailed/graphic (?) discussions on death than other families, except maybe yours :D Thanks for sharing! :love

P.S. how's the tummy??

[lisamarie]

Diana~

Hey no sweat!!! You've had alot on your plate. And the tummy is yucky, but getting better I think:thumb. Thanks for asking.

I did call Dane's counselor at Bridges because I was at such a loss. She was somewhat helpful:confused:. She said "look at the question, behind the question". HUH??? She also said that he was obviously in a growth spurt and was going through another physical and mental growth period. I know what you mean about having detailed/graphic conversations about death. Has your kids wondered what he looked like when he died (or were they there?). Dane has asked this before. In movies/cartoons they picture it so unreal in a sense and that was the picture that Dane had in his mind. So talking about it put his mind to ease. I think he is also very angry at Rob right now for choosing to die. That finally clicked for him and he is angry. Not that he is acting out, but the way he talks about it.

Warmly~

Lisa:hug

[joesmom]

Hi, Lisa, what a difficult situation! Joe has been asking questions about death, & he has NEVER been exposed to it; don't know where it is coming from.

It is so sad that your son has to deal with such a grown up issue, but he is very lucky to have a mommy who answers his questions & acknowledges his feelings.

Is he close to your husband? I do not have any advice, just wanted to let you know I saw this post & was thinking of you.

Sending you wishes for the right words to say & a peaceful night's sleep.

Love, Jenny

[hahamommy]

Lucky (?) for us, the kids were well aware of every stage of Mitch's illness, up to and including his death. His disease was just more visible than Rob's, I'm afraid. And more socially acceptable, ya know? yeah, you know! :rolleyes:
They didn't see his last breath, he waited for them to be gone (literally moments after they walked out the door to get the priest!), but he couldn't get rid of me! I stuck it out right by his side :love
The kids were home with him everyday as he steadily declined. We tried to keep the stroke a secret until we had a clear explanation we could understand then interpret for them. BAD IDEA! The fear of the unknown resulted in my calm, serene Hannah becoming evil monster child! As soon as I sat down with them and gave them a 10-minute explanation of what we *thought* was wrong with Daddy, answered all the questions I could, they were both fine and back to normal. The first time Mitch fell and couldn't get back up, 2 year old Hayden got down on the floor and put his head under Daddy's butt and pushed to help him up!
Now when they watch movies that touch upon any part of their experience with Daddy, they cry foul! Dead people don't look like that! People with a stroke don't do that! That's not real, we know what it really looks/feels/sounds like! If he's got a braintumor, where's the scar?
They were so matter-of-fact when Mitch died. It was like, "Duh mom! you said he was gonna die and now he's dead, why are you sad, it happened just like you said!" They now understand the concept of missing someone but it seems so trite to them. Hannah has confessed that she's glad Daddy died (as I pick myself off the floor) "because now he doesn't have cancer anymore"; Hayden was doing this dramatic fake cry the other day, then in his normal voice, "mom, know why I'm crying?" back to fake cry "because I miss daddy!" crying stops "but I don't miss him anymore" and off he goes...
ah the lessons of children :throb
(Imagine being Dane's little sibling! THAT kid's gonna have one *heck* of an experience :love)

[hahamommy]

Because I didn't write enough already ... :D
What about the anger?? It's hard enough for me to deal with mine (and I imagine you with yours) ... How can Dane really get past being angry ~ do you want to replace it with Pity? (ick!) Where do you go as that child to become "okay" with Daddy's choice to end his life? Do you have lots of talks about free will? This is where my situation is a bit easier, although maybe only because again of social acceptablity of the underlying issue... Would my kids be pi$$ed if Mitch had refused treatment? Would that be considered suicide? All these questions! :eek Don't feel the need to answer these, just food for thought. Although, if you come up with something incredibly clever, let me know! :love

[lisamarie]

Joesmom~thanks for your kind words. Dane is close to my dh now. It took awhile, but now they are best friends. I know that I couldn't have decided to have another baby, if Dane didn't feel this way.

Diana~I love you girl!!! You are so real and as you know, so many people in society in dealing with death (and especially death and children) are so unreal and want to sugar coat things. As for the anger~its hard to watch him be angry at him, but glad that it is coming out now. I'm sure he will go through periods of the grief cycle throughout his life during growth spurts and I'm sure during milestones in his life. We have talked about "free will" and responsibilites of the choices we make in our life. Since Rob made this choice (and one that is obviously irreversable), we talk alot, ALOT about this. I have told him that people in Rob's situation make different choices. I don't want him to think that just because you have a mental illness, this is your ONLY choice! We have talked that you can see a counselor (like Dane did and he loved him and knows how much better it made him feel) to talk about your feelings, take meds. or do nothing.

Your children are so deep and wise. Hannah's comment and your little one's actions. They grow up fast because of this, don't they? Thanks for sharing your stories too.

Much Love~

Lisa:hug