My ex-wife is changin my son's name.

[Rotifer]

My ex-wife has been sending e-mails telling me that she is changing my son's last name to that of her fiancée. I pay child support, live in the same town, and never miss a visitation. The following are excerpts from the e-mails I've received. Has anybody dealt with this? I am at a loss. I relocated to a small town to be closer to my son, seriously compromising my ability to make a decent living (my support is frozen for 3 years, thus, I am paying 50% of my current wages). My point being, it is difficult for me to afford a lawyer. These are from three e-mails over two days, yet she claims that she is not doing this out of spite?
:rolleyes:

When I marry ***, *** and I will both take his name and try to move on with our lives.

*** can go by another last name even if he is not adopted. It would not be on his social security card but it would be accepted in other venues.

Having *** use ***'s last name would increase our family unity and his sense of belonging. You are still his Dad. Streifling would still be on social security card. I think it is good for a child to have the same last name as his primary caregiver. This is not to hurt you.

[fionnsmom]

i dont know ne thing about this, or the details of your situation but i dont think its so nice either, she doesnt sound spiteful to me, but im concerned that the importance of makeing the "new dad" feel more invovled then concerning your childs feelings, i would imagine it would cuase confusion, has she asked your child what he/she wants?

as for no money for lawyers, you can almost always get a free consultation and there are many many low cost or sliding scale lawyers to choose from, i would suggest calling the local dshs office and having them send you an info packet, also you obviously have internet access, so i would suggest taking a good amount of time to search for info, theres a large amount of websites devoted to child laws and so forth, good luck

[Rotifer]

My son is only 4. How could this not be troubling and confusing for a four year old child? Is their identity this flexible? Can one explain genetics, thus, the connection between he and I? Thank you for the lawyer advice, I am looking in to that now.

[EnviroBecca]

Jeff, I had a friend in fifth grade whose mother decided he should change his name because she was getting remarried. He was old enough to choose (and I think even 4 is old enough to have some say in this matter!) but she didn't ask him; she TOLD him this was going to happen. He wasn't the type to rebel, and he was nervous of if not actually afraid of his stepdad, but he was NOT happy about this. He felt that it was one more thing distancing him from his dad, that his mom was trying to pretend she had never been with his dad. Also, his original last name was just a nicer name and sounded better with his first name.

I also knew several kids who, at various ages between kindergarten and high school, were adopted by their stepdads and therefore given stepdad's last name. All of the biological dads were completely out of the picture. However, in every case, the kids were irritated by the name change, because they saw the original last name as their OWN name and resented having their identity switched midstream.

I can understand your ex feeling it would be more convenient if everyone in their household had the same last name. However, there are other factors to take into consideration. She might be concerned about "what people will think," but these days there are more and more families with various name configurations, so I doubt your son will encounter any problems in school, etc., if his last name is different from his mom's.

I think it is a particularly bad idea to have your son use a different name than is on his legal records. This will cause endless confusion whenever he does anything involving paperwork: enrolling in school, getting a bank account, getting a job.... Should he ever have any run-ins with the police, having an "alias" will make him automatically suspicious to them even if he's totally innocent.

What if your ex's new marriage doesn't last? Will she want to change the poor kid's name AGAIN?!

Do you and your ex get along well enough that you could sit down together with your son and talk with him about what it would mean to change his name and see what he thinks of it?

[Rotifer]

Do you and your ex get along well enough that you could sit down together with your son and talk with him about what it would mean to change his name and see what he thinks of it?

We have in the past. Frankly, however, her fiancee is the dim, jealous type... sounds mean. I'll only say that he thought Paris was in China. No joke. But that is a very good idea. My only concern is the impact such a discussion may have on him. I sincerely doubt that he wants to change his name and the conflict (internal) could be wrenching. Thanks for the input.

[lilyka]

That really sucks.

My mom assumed I wanted to change my last name when she remarried and just started using it. I was 14. i still occaisionally get stuff with that name on it. Really pisses me off.. if it is really that important to her do you think she would be willing to hyphenate so that your son will have both names? would that be acceptable to you?

At least nothing can be changed leagally without your concent. He will always be reminded of what his real name is and perhaps one day he will get fiesty enough to take it back for himself.

[Rotifer]

I suppose he could hyphenate it. Frankly I just don't see the need. My ex-wife is an odd person, in many respects I feel sorry for her. Mental illness runs in her family and I fear that she may be approaching a break. Her parents had her late in life and are feeble (soon to enter a nursing home), I think she is desperately trying to form this pseudo family to enhance her own stability. Just a little pop psychology for everybody. Of course, she hates me ... we broke up in graduate school and it was not pretty. Hmm.. oh well, I sure am glad I found this forum. I appreciate the female perspective.

[mamafinn]

Another thing you might consider here is getting some group counseling for the 3 of you. Someone with a background in child development/psychology might have really good input and they might be able tell you how a 4y.o. defines self, family, belonging...

Your ex talks about changing names and "moving on with our lives" but their lives, and especially your son's life, will continue to involve you. You are an integral part of who your son is and it seems to me that the next step is becoming a functional divorced family, rather than trying to replace one family with another.

Take care,
Brenda

[Rotifer]

Unfortunately, we all tried counseling recently. This will sound horribly tilted but I assure you that it is true. The first time I met with the counselor (privately) the counselor and I had a wonderful discussion. My son is very bright, so we had a great time talking about his abilities, etc. The counselor (well respected in the area) told me that Sara felt Kieran was being harmed by spending time with me. A quick example - he and I had a discussion about chemistry and the components of an atom. Sara thought I was "pushing" him, trying to live vicariously through his intelligence or some-such. Obviously, she anticipated the psychologist recommending that visits be shortened or suspended. I told the counselor that, were she to recommend something Sara disagreed with, the sessions with Kieran would come to a screeching halt. I had one more session and that is precisely what happened. :rolleyes: :crying

[dfoy]

I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure a name change has to be agreed upon by both parents unless she has sole custody of your son. For her to change his name without your consent, I believe, is illegal. Definitely consult with an attorney. She will have to go through the juvenile division of the courts. Call and ask for assistance through the courts.

[Rotifer]

Thanks dfoy. I reviewed my parenting plan this weekend and believe that my ex is impinging on my rights as well as that of my son. Soooo... off to the lawyer. What an unnecessary waste of time and emotional currency.

[lilyka]

She isn't trying to change the name legally right. Just trying to slowly etch you out right?

She is sooo my mother. i am so sorry man. Everything from the new family, new name, only seeing counselers that say what she wants to hear, not listening to you because you can do no right. been there lived with that. If it makes you feel anybetter, I kept fighting for a relationship with my dad untill just recently (unfortuately he is a jerk but that shouldn't have been my moms decission to make) and I turned out as a person with a reasonably sound mind and generally positive outlook on life.

Give your son a hug for me and make sure you stay in his life. take advantage of every visitation, every second you have and continue being a great dad.

best of Luck.

[Rotifer]

Thanks Ilyka. I sought out my estranged father a couple of years ago as well (i don't remember if i mentioned that somewhere in this thread), he is a bit of a jerk. To digress a little ... I watched "Slingblade" again last night. Toward the end the villains rants about how important construction workers are, foundation of the economy, etc. Well, I had to sit through the same thing with my biological father (a retired ironworker). After listening to how useless my college education is, and irrelevant my interest in other cultures, it occurred to my how flat his life is/was. Anyway, thanks again and have a great morning.

[TexasSuz]

My brother-in-law had his ex try to do the same thing - have his child be called by her name but not change it legally. The reason your ex is not changing it legally is because in most states, if you pay child support and visit your child, then the child gets your last name. Even when my borther-in-law's ex took it to court to try to get it changed or hyphenate it, the judge denied her request! Now, if she uses any name but his legal name, she is in comtempt of a court order. We check his school/doctor records and everything to make sure she is not trying to use her name again.

Even if you can't afford one - get a lawyer. You really can't afford not to. I also wonder if she will have your son call the new step-dad "daddy" and will try to eventually stop your visitation altogether so she can have her "new" family fantasy without your interference! Be very careful - anything you say or do can be used against you in court!

Keep records of everything! Been there, done that! But, we won every time - thank God for father's rights laws!

Good luck and keep us posted!

Susan

[Rotifer]

Thanks, I have always been very kind in my e-mails. She was once a sharp, interesting (and interested) person... one reason why I think she is cruising toward a mental break, her behavior has changed considerably. Oh well, aside from the problems with my ex I have a great life ... my success, happiness and stability will help my son in the long run.

[dddD]

Good luck on the name issue.

It sounds like you gave up a lot to be an active part of your son's life, and I just want to commend you for that. It is HUGE, and your son will never forget it.
:)

[WickidaWitch]

Growing up all my life with a name (from birth) that was not mine I also know it sucks! I can always remember telling my mother I wanted her to change my name(to her maiden name) but she didn't. She also like the idea of her whole family having the same last name.:confused:

When I had my first son there was no question for me that he would have his dads last name and not mine. I really hated his by the time he was born too but I was not about to give my son a name that wasn't even my own. (we get along now:) )
Anyway, I was so happy to get married and also get a new name!

I would think that even if you don't share custody you do pay child support and visit with him so I really think you should have some say as to who's last name the child will have.

Hope everything works out well.

[Rotifer]

Thanks Tammi, you have all helped me through a difficult time! :)

[familyman]

when i was born in 1959 my mother and bio father were not together. 3 years later she married my step dad and i just assumed his name ( birth cert. had moms maiden name). i always had a hard time pronouncing my (assumed) last name, i never knew my sd was not any different from my bio dad, so i just thought it funny if i thought at all about it. it just never felt right, people always asked me to repeat my name when i said it etc. in my mid teens i found out my dad wasnt my dad, some other guy was. fast forward 20 years and a luke warm relationship with biodad but very close to older biosisters i became a parent myself. i began to watch my kids interact with this other family as though we had a daily relationship with them ( we only saw my sisters once a year or every other year). but my usually shy son was all over these people, even so far as to jump into the arms of my uncle who i had just met myself at age 38. this was not like my kids, so i get thinking blood is very much stronger than we think sometimes and how i needed to honor the bloodline. at age 39 i changed our names. for the kids it wasnt a big deal (leagally) bu i had a birth cert. in one name and my ssi card and drivers license, school record, bank account, credit cards, everything you could think of and some you cant. my dw did most of the work but i still get a headache thinking about the ordeal( going to court etc)
plus from living a counter culture lifestyle most of my life the exposure to big bro was a bummer too. long story shortened... i now have my biodads last name and it just feels right, even my kids names when put together with our new name rolls off the tonge. and it is without a question spiritually right for us.

so please be carefull, a name is powerfull. it honors the blood, it calls the spirit. and a son needs his fathers name to remind him of whence he comes. ( i shared maybe 1000 hrs with my biodad, but he gave me my greatest gift, i will always be a part of my childrens lives. for them and so i dont die alone and lonley like he did).

peace to you and yours
familyman


ps. just hit on fathering on the web, there is all kinds of dads rights sites forr info

[zevulon]

If you think ex is doing this from spite, then it seems you
are right to fight it legally and insist that kid keeps your
family name.

If, however, you think ex is sincere that the new name would
help her and child in new family then perhaps consider proposing
this--child changes middle name to the family name that your ex wants and keeps your family name.

[umbrella]

When I marry Doug, Kieran and I will both take his name and try to move on with our lives.

Move on with their lives? Does that mean trying to forget all about you? If giving your child a different last name is helping him "move on," I daresay that moving on means leaving daddy behind.

[Rotifer]

Thanks to all for the responses. *sigh* Rotten people suck. :rolleyes:

[Rotifer]

This is the latest e-mail I received from my ex-wife. It floored me, I thought we were getting along quite well.
Hi. As a present to ***, would you please be supportive of *** using ***'s last name after we get married? It would mean alot to *** and myself. I really want *** to feel part of a family (as I always have), and letting him feel comfortable with it would go a long way toward this. I know it's not easy. Thanks! :jaw I have thought about this a great deal. Some people, I think, lack the ability to empathize with other people. A healthy percentage of the worlds population, I think. An insidious problem for in every other respect they function normally. Given the proper circumstance, however, they will unflinchingly clobber you to get what they want. Well, maybe we call this selfishness. *sigh* I don't know. I've thought of editing some of the wonderful comments in here and sending them to here, maybe she would understand what she is doing. Well, probably not. :rolleyes:

[Rotifer]

All the editing was due to the fact that I went through and corrected my typing errors using ieSpell (www.iespell.com - a free download). I hate typing errors (my own) and love this program when typing in forums. Have a great day! :thumb

[velveeta]

There is something so special about names, whether you like the name or not.

I really hated my maiden name, mainly because of associations it shares with my father (we are estranged). I even gave my dogs a different last name from mine.

When I got married, I was thrilled to take my husband's name. Of course, my dogs changed their last name, as well! I know this is a silly example, but it reflects how we feel about it.

Yammer, whether you *feel* that it is inevitable or not has nothing to do with Rotifer's concerns about this. He's doubtless *entitled* to feel however we wishes. I certainly would not have characterized Rotifer's notion of this possibility as "wild and inconceivable." I think that you *know* that saying something like that is insensitive (you even say as much!).

Tell me, do you think it is helpful to say something like that? I really want to know... (not meant as a flame, I sincerely wonder) I mean, I have read many of your opinions and comments on these boards. Devil's advocate, perhaps?

Jean

[Rotifer]

I see no reason why it is inevitable and how is it practical? Given the time we are allowed together, I must fight for any connection my son and I share.

Edit: Jean posted while i was composing this - it was originally much longer, but I resisted the urge to post something that hinted of smoke. I'm curious, Yammer, as to what your perspective is on this?

[Els' 3 Ones]

Hey Yam, do your children hold your family name?

[Rotifer]

Thanks for explaining where you are coming from on this. I welcome all opinions. Obviously, I have used this thread to unleash some of my frustration (often shortly after a series of e-mails or a phone call) and I appreciate the opportunity to discuss it rather then retort with something I will regret.

[Jish]

Jeff, would she consider hyphenating your sirname and the new dh's? Would that be an acceptable option?

[Rotifer]

Sorry, but no. It doesn't make any sense to do so. This fellow has two children of his won that he rarely sees, why is it so important that he envelope mine? One thing I am going to ask my ex today is whether his children have adopted the name of their stepfathers.

[umbrella]

but I am saying that it is a case that isn't that obvious to an outsider,

Well, I'm also an outsider, and it's pretty obvious to me.

You may wonder what's wrong with the name change, but I wonder, what's wrong with NOT having a name change? How would that name change be beneficial? You also noting that the mother being the custodial parent is relevant for the name change, that if the mother changes her name, then why shouldn't the child. Why is the mother the more important parent here? Why does it just make perfect sense that the kid should have the same name as the mom, but it isn't obvious why the father would the child to keep his birthname?

I may be jumping to the completely wrong conclusions, but I am willing to bet that you are sympathizing more with the mom in this situation because you are also a woman.

What would you think if your partner got your kids, and decided to change their names because he thought it would be more practical? Oh wait, the father doesn't usually get the kids, even if he is more fit, so you probably don't ever have to worry about that.

[savvy]

I find this all a little funny. Not funny haha, but funny odd.

It never ceases to amaze me how important it is to men for their women (i.e. wives) and offspring to have their name. To be crass, it's just pissing on your territory.

I do think that if the biological father is really involved with the child after the seperation/divorce, then the child should keep the name. When the kid is 18, let him decide who's name he wants. How ironic if it's his mother's maiden name that he chooses. What am I saying, that would never happen...

Why are surnames so valuable to some people?



edited for grammer

[Jish]

Names are a part of us. They are a part of our identity. I can't imagine being a child and being told that my name was going to be changed. I feel for Rotifer and his son. I am a mom, and I don't understand why she is so determined to change her son's name.

If names are no big deal, why do so many women choose to keep their maiden names? Why do others want to take their dh's names? Changing a part of a person is a big deal IMHO.

[WickidaWitch]

I was wondering how your boy feels about this? Is he even old enough to understand?
Sorry if you wrote of this before and I missed it.

I dont think even at Shawn's age of 14 that if he wanted my husband name instead of his own fathers(who is in his everyday life) that I would let him change it. That's not who HE is. If though his Dad was not in his life and he wanted the change I would do it.
Good luck

[Curious]

I have not read all posts, but have experience with non-legal name changes. When I was in college I decided to simplify the spelling of my first name by omitting one silent letter, and to totally change my middle name. It's on my college diploma, and I've requested those names on several documents and I'm known most everywhere with those names. The middle name, I now wonder, what was I thinking...

Not having changed the names legally, it's been a pain and I guess I should have done that. My drivers licence has my birth certificate names on it, so I added my new middle name, so now I have about about 4 permutations of how I'm known.

It's a problem and the attorney who did our wills tells me it will be a bigger problem in the future if I don't do some serious paperwork. Social security may be confused. It was even a problem as I checked into the hospital having Dd. One set of papers had one name, they wanted my birth certificate name, there were two sets of names and they're trying to verify I am who I say I am when I've been in labor for 30 hours and am still 2 cm and exhausted.

I imagine that your son could encounter all kinds of problems with schools, jobs, paychecks, and valid emotional aspects aside, I think this is a can of worms unless it's done through proper legal channels.

[Kirsten]

My opinion is that if a father continues to be a part of his child's life after divorcing the child's mother, the child should keep his original name. If the father were completely out of the picture by choice (deadbeat dad type of thing) or abusive, I think it would be OK in those circumstances to change the child's last name IF the child wanted to.
My parents died when I was in junior high. I would not have changed my last name for anything. It is a link to my parents. It is an outward sign of who I am. Your last name says a lot - if only to you personally, that is still enough.
When I got married, I hyphenated my last name. I have no middle name and lots of people suggested using my maiden name for a middle and taking dh's last name alone. But a middle name is not commonly used and does not have the same effect IMO. Many of dh's redneck friends gave him unbelievable amounts of grief (and still do - ten years later) that his wife didn't take his name. I DID take his name - I just didn't give mine up! I love having a hyphenated last name. Wanted to do that for the kids too but dh asked that they just have his name. He has been so wonderful putting up with stupid comments about my choice that I agreed to the kids having only his last name.
I would definitely talk to a lawyer about your specific situation. I think the importance of your son feeling comfortable and accepted for who he is and who his father is (she cannot change the fact that you are his father no matter how she tries to change his name - even if she succeeds). Lots of families have more than one last name - we do in my family due to the hyphenation. It is no problem. We know families who are remarried after divorce - only ONE of those many families had the child take the stepdad's name and in that case, he was a deadbeat dad who wanted nothing to do with the child.
Good luck to you - keep us posted.
Kirsten

[Rotifer]

Thanks Kirsten.

[virgomama]

I don't have any expertise in this area, but I just wanted to offer you my support and say that you sound like a great dad! Your son is very lucky!!

[AnnMarie]

Originally posted by Kirsten
[B]My opinion is that if a father continues to be a part of his child's life after divorcing the child's mother, the child should keep his original name. If the father were completely out of the picture by choice (deadbeat dad type of thing) or abusive, I think it would be OK in those circumstances to change the child's last name IF the child wanted to.

I totally agree. Same thing if the child has the mother's name. In my case my oldest daughter had her father's last name as a middle name and I changed that when my husband adopted her. She was adopted though, and I can't imagine a mother being able to change her child's name without an adoption or the father agreeing. It just isn't right.

All my children have my last name so last names have never been an issue with us. I've been married twice and never changed my name. My husband has thought about changing his so we all have the same name, but never has. I actually discouraged it because of all the paperwork involved as well as the fact that he's had this name for 37 years, why change it now?



My parents died when I was in junior high. I would not have changed my last name for anything. It is a link to my parents. It is an outward sign of who I am. Your last name says a lot - if only to you personally, that is still enough.

I'm sorry to hear that. :hug I agree with you. This is who I have been all my life, I don't want a different name.


Many of dh's redneck friends gave him unbelievable amounts of grief (and still do - ten years later) that his wife didn't take his name.


I know what you mean. I always have to explain it to people. When signing the kids up for school they asked if my husband was their legal parent. I get all sorts of questions.


If it's so important for this woman to have the same last name as her son then why doesn't she just keep her name now? Why make the child and father suffer for something that's important to her?

[Serena]

Personally, I don't even understand why women change their last names when they marry. IMO children should be given their mothers' last names and last names should flow in a matriarchal line.

Whoever's last name this child was given, he should keep until he decides otherwise.

[Rotifer]

I don't even understand why women change their last names when they marry
I mus say, in light of this conversation, this practice seems strange to me as well. As for a matriarchal society, that's cultural coincidence.

[April 2007]

I'm in a similar situation, but the other way around...

Noah, my 2 month old son, has my last name, as I am his primary (and only) caregiver. the "father" has not been involved at all, and is all talk and no action. He is very upset that Noah does not have his last name, yet he doesn't seem to understand why it makes no sense for Noah to have the last name of someone who he never sees, doesn't care for him, doesn't love him, etc.,e tc.,etc.

If I ever get married, I will not change my last name until I can get Noah's last name legally changed also...if that never happens, then I will never change my last name.

HOWEVER, in your situation, you seem to be as involved as possible and truly love your child. I think it is horrible for her to try and change his last name. The excuse that she is trying to create unity in the family is, in my opinion, a bunch of crap, excuse my language. The "family" is not her, the son, and her new husband!! The family is YOU, YOUR SON, and HIS MOM!! If she does not want to keep the same last name, then that is fine, but it is not her right to take away your last name from your son...your son has every right to keep the same last name that is in HIS family. I don't even think there should be any hyphentating. There is NO NEED for his last name to be the same as his mom's fiance.

Sorry, I could go on and on...I'm a little sensitive about these things!:angry

Go to legal Aide. They can help!!!!!!!!!!!!

[BAU3]

Soooo. your ex want to have your son use his new stepdads name , AS A PRESENT TO STEPDAD??????? um, how about a new lawnmower instead:confused:
That last email you quoted, unless I've read it wrong, seems to be saying that this new husband needs to feel he is part of his new family??? Is he having trouble belonging? Where is the part about the child and what his wants/needs are?
Sorry, not helpful,Iknow, but i couldn't help but find that a bit twisted. Is that just me?

[Rotifer]

I think it is a bit twisted as well - I won't get in to the more recent events. The intelligent, rational women I've had the pleasure of meeting through this forum have only solidified my opinion. Thanks again for all of the support!

[jjdoula]

I just wanted to send a hug,, and let you know that I think by all means you MUST get help and dig your heals in..it sounds like a really bizarre case of maternal manipulation and her desperation to make this new family fit somehow,,a name doesn't do that!

I come from a unique perspective,,when I was 12 my step-father adopted my brother and I so we could have his name ( and he would be on the birth certificate),,our relationship immediately changed and he became abusive (sexually and emotionally),,the name didn't make it fit.

Zoom forward many years, and as soon as I was out of HS I moved in with Mr Wrong just to get out of my horrible home, of course got pregnant ( and married), had a daughter with his name,,then left the abuse to keep her safe when she was about 1.

Still being dysfunctional I needed to find a guy to save me,,jumped into the first relationship that came along, nice guy but so not compatible,,we struggled for about a year when I was *surprise* pregnant. We split up immediately,(I was 3 months pregnant then) and still decided to let our son have his fathers name( after long talks with a dear friend who was a single father about what that really means to a man..). I still am really glad I did that, he is totally involved in his sons life,, we have joint custody, and are actually good friends.

Never has it been akward or a problem for him to have a name other than mine..

So now, after many years of single parenting, God sent me the most amazing man. We are working on scraping together the funds so that he can formally adopt my oldest daughter,( her father has had not contact for years, is a registered sex offender,,and actually called two days after our wedding to see when he can sign the papers so he doesn't have to pay child support.) We are also going to add a second middle name to my sons name,,so that he will feel like a "Herrick", the name the rest of us will have. he expressed worry about this,,saying it wasn't fair that we would all have the same last name,,he will still have his fathers last name( and use it,,most people don't use their middle name in school, so on..) but will not feel like he isn't part of us as well.

oh the tangled webs..but a name does not a family make,,and if my ex-husband played any part in being a father to my daughter, I would not ever consider changing her last name. It is part of who a person is,,but now she has a daddy who would do anything for her,,that is the name she wants. ( we say that God used her "others guys first name" ( we quit calling him dad years ago) to make her so that her real Daddy of the heart could love her later..

[Pynki]

As a child of divorce with a very loving father i would have been devistated if my mother had tried to/ or succeeded in getting my last name changed... It was my one absolute link to my father that she could not change no matter how hard she tried... My mother was a very vindictive woman, and used my sister and I against my father any chance she got in the name of "our own good".

Do NOT NOT NOT!!!! surrender to this.. You might not know how it is when he is at home, and it maybe your son's one absolute tie to you that no one can break no matter how hard they try...

Best Of Luck and Warm Squishy Feelings..

Dyan
:hippie

[Rotifer]

Thanks Dyan, I'm meeting with a lawyer on December 2nd so that we can resolve this - finally! Feels good, he's supposed to be quite a good lawyer. :thumb

[Rotifer]

I've started to move. I called my son's pre-school today and asked them why they changed his name (my sister told me, her son attends the same school). The supervisor said that S*** had informed them my son was being adopted by her new husband. :rolleyes: Had she (the supervisor) seen proof of this? No. Thankfully, they are nice people and realized that what they did not only damaged my son and myself but was, possibly, illegal. She attempted to pull a "we'll look in to it" but a replied, rather firmly, that it must be changed effective immediately - she appears to have complied.

[Pynki]

So do you suppose your ex really expects you to sign over your parental rights so her new husband can adopt your son.. Is she that delusional, or is she lying to people to further her cause... I would definately get your attorney's bottom in gear on this one to Maybe head off more attempts of this nature....

Sending you Support and Warm Squishy Feelings...

Dyan
:jaw

[Rotifer]

Is she that delusional, or is she lying to people to further her cause...

I am rather confused as well. In fact, it worries me - this is not the person I once loved. The fact that she would lie about something that is so easily verified, and reversed, creating undue stress for my son (who is five). It will undoubtedly confuse his classmates and cause them to pepper him with questions (he is very popular at school). Will he withdraw or buck up to the challenge? I'm not around him often enough to provide emotional support.

[Apricot]

Don't worry about your son and his class. Kindergarteners really don't notice that much about one another, they're awfully self-centered at that age.
I worked in a kindergarten, and every kindergartener peed his/her pants at least once during the year. I never heard the kids say anything about it. They just didn't notice that much about each other. By first grade, yes, there was mention, but not with the 5 year olds.

[Rotifer]

That's good to know. Thanks Jane. Me happy. :D

[Rotifer]

You are, undoubtedly, sick of those. But I had to. It's funny you mentioned peeing ones pants. I vividly remember a girl doing that in school. Of course, we were in 5th grade.

[hahamommy]

:grouphug Jeff :hug
This just straight up sucks!! If the new hubby has issues with *belonging* why doesn't he just take your name too?? Then all of K's parents would have the same name :D or ask XW if you can take new hubby's name too, so as not to separate yourself from your son :LOL

I'm widowed and I understand the difference, but I don't want to ever change my childrens' names, though they have begun to ask for a new dad. I suppose if they're old enough to have this discussion, they're old enough to decide for themselves what to do when the time comes :loveI know my 4 year old is opinionated enough to want say-so in something like this. (heck, some days I cannot call him Hayden because his name is Superman today :love) Maybe he'll reject it himself and recognize it's not *his* name.
I have a friend who couldn't agree with Dh on the baby's name. Legally the baby is McKenna Faith ~ Mom calls her McKenna and Dad calls her Faith. Will she be confused? I doubt it.
We're all legally allowed 2 (?) AKAs without having legal papers filed. They can call him whatever they want, and you call him his *real* name. His legal documents should still reflect your name (i.e. at school!:eek), regardless of what mommy calls him at home.

Good luck on this! I know it's tough but stay positive and remain on the high road, it's better for all of you (even if it sucks for you right now...:hug)
~diana :wild

[Rotifer]

I just hope she doesn't yank him from the school he is in now that she perceives them as "the enemy" also. Thanks Diana.

[madrone]

Jeff - I've been reading with interest. What did the lawyer say?

[Rotifer]

He informed her, via letter, that his name must remain the same as mine. Furthermore, he requested that we enter mediation to restructure the visitation agreement.

[madrone]

My experience through friends states that these types of issues never go away. Try to have the mediation on record. Keep all e-mails. If you all go to counseling again sometime, try to get that on record too. Good luck and I would love to hear how things go.

[Rotifer]

Thanks, I'll let you know. :) The mediator I selected is a retired judge so it will be binding.

[S. Carnes]

You are his father, its as simple as that. I can't believe your ex would want you to go along with this. The only time I can agree with a child taking a step fathers last name is if the biological dad is not involved. Its obvious you are. In Iowa a dad would have to give up his parental rights for the name to be changed. So if you were living here the name could only be changed if you gave up parental rights, but then you wouldn't have to pay child support either. I'm sure your ex still wants the child support. I'd find out what the laws in your state are. Good luck, I hope your ex has a change of heart

[TheCatInTheHat]

That's your son, not the new guys... Don't you have some sort of LEGAL say in the matter?

[LoveBeads]

Oh my, the hairs on the back of my neck are raised because your ex sounds a lot like my mother (not a good thing).

I would simply tell her this: if she thinks it's so d*mn important for the children to have the same last name as the primary caretaker(s), then why doesn't she NOT change her last name to her new husband's? Yes, it's a sacrifice for an ex-spouse to go through life with their ex-spouse's name instead of their new spouses name but you know what? Sacrifice is part of raising children.

I do agree that it is important for the names to be the same but who the hell does she think she is that SHE has decided to get married (I'm sure she didn't really consult him too long on this decision besides the cursory "how do you feel about this?"), and now SHE is deciding what his name should be?

As you can see, this topic makes me angry. I had a very similar situation growing up (and by the way, my mother has been married 4 times) and never did she consider what changing a name meant to ME.

My aunt, a truly giving person, went through life with the last name of an ex-husband who beat her. When I asked her why she kept his name 30 years after she divorced him, she replied, "because that is the name of my children and I love them more than I hate him."

Good luck, I'll stop seething now! And if she changes that name, sue!

LoveBeads
Maddy Moo - 2.5

[Pigpen]

Well, I don't know how I stumbled upon this thread but, I'm glad I did (even though it brought back some painful memories). I am dying to know how things went w/the mediator. I read your post about the attorney recommending a change in the structure of visitation and did a silent cheer. I know we are only reading (for the most part) one side of the story but it's pretty clear from your posts that you are taking the high road which, in the long run, will do you and your son the most good. Hang in there, wish you the best.

[Rotifer]

Thanks again everyone. We have yet to go to mediation, the holidays slowed things down somewhat and, um, drained my wallet. But, I'm taking the offensive now - we'll get things settled.

[carmen veranda]

Oh boy, my heart goes out to you and your boy. My ex-husband married a truely disturbed woman. I kept his name as mine after we divorced so dd and I would have the same name. This was her request (at age 5) Long stories-but they tried to make me change my name back to my un-married name so they could be "a family"!!!
I hope she isn't trying to whittle your relationship with your son, by doing this and other little and not so little things to try and exclude you. You have a right to a relationship with your son.
If you ask my dd what the worst thing was about the whole thing; her dad marrying the evil witch, me having two more babies with less than reliable partner, her dad and his wife going through horrible break up, her dad dating like crazy and marrying wife # 3 with three kids, she would tell you that unkind/unhelpful comments from one parent or step-parent about the other parent or step parent was the worst. I remember biting my tongue nearly in half sometimes to keep from exclaiming, "what!!! that stupid &&***($%$$$@@!!!! what could he be thinking!!" or whatever. She knew her dad was being a dork, his wife was horrid and I was rather helpless and ineffective against their nastiness. It did not help her to have anybody pointing these things out to her. The future step dad may be stupid and mean, but your son is going to be living in the same house as him, at least some of the time. Maybe by forming some sort of relationship with him, his time with him will not be terrible. His mother may be losing it and acting crazy, but unless your son is unsafe with her, he will be with her at least part of the time. And she will always be his mom. Maybe if you reassure them all that you are trying to be supportive of their new family, that will bring tensions down a bit. Supportive of their new family, but not to the point of sacrificing your family-you and your son are a family too. The name change is asking you to sacrifice your family relationship, IMHO. Remind them that you are also a part of your son's family-there fore part of their family, too. Good luck. The breaking apart of a family is so so hard. Hardest on your boy. :tsk

[Rotifer]

Thanks. Yes, I think my ex-wifes relationship is doomed as well. It kills me to drop him off when it is obvious both of these people (his mom and her husband) are unhappy. Yesterday, his (her husband's) enormous butt was planted in a recliner with a beer in his hand while my son's mom was unloading their car after a weekend trip. It was obvious they'd been bickering over something. Sad people.

[carmen veranda]

How are things?

[Rotifer]

Good, I have my son this weekend. :D

[Rotifer]

Strike that. She sent me an e-mail and said he isn't feeling well and I can't pick him up. :( :crying I'm calling my lawyer but I just don't understand why it has to be this way, *#@^! people. The funny thing is this -

****** has not been feeling well and I am keeping him home tomorrow and this weekend.
He was sick a couple days last week. I am going to have knee surgery. After that is over, I would like to move ahead with mediation. I do not have the money to go through
a lawyer, so we can schedule that ourselves.

My lawyer informed her that this behavior is unacceptable, and she thinks I'm willing to deal with her directly that she may save money? Phenomenal.

[Pigpen]

From your posts, she sounds like a piece of work! The world must stop so she can have her way. I am so glad you have an attorney in this situation. I can't wait to see how this turns out...

[bookmom]

My heart goes out to you!
I am a former single mom, now married to a great guy. He is in the process of adopting my oldest son, who has met his bio dad once. In fact, ds has my maiden name as his last name, because in RI where he was born you can not give the child a different last name if you are unmarried, unless the father is there to sign his consent. We're all excited that we'll all have the same last name now (we have a ds#2 as well). In fact ds already uses it, since he is not in school and little league and church seem to automatically assign him dh's (and my) last name. Bio father is completely supportive of this.
BUT, my husband also has 2 older boys from his 1st marriage. This ex of his is truly wacko. She is remarried, to a man who has children of his own that he doesn't see. They encourage the boys to call him "dad" and while they've never made a move to change their names, they have a sign on their house and mailbox saying "The xxxxxxs" using his and her last name. Which seems to me like they are encouraging the boys to see themselves as that name or is extremely insensitive to the fact that they have a different last name.
Even though I wish my son's dad could have been involved with ds, I am glad he was able to be reasonable and let us move on without causing trouble. Dh's ex can't stand the fact that he's still involved and has to constantly do stuff to undermine the relationship.
She will not go to counselling or mediation and lies through her teeth to teachers etc who might question her behavior.
I hope your situation gets better without harm to your son.
You are not alone!
---Amy

[Rotifer]

Wow, your husband's situation sounds very similar to my own. My ex even makes my son refer to me as "Jeff" rather than Dad when in her home. While working out the legal angles I simply attempt to stay in contact with my son on a daily basis, even if I leave a message - which I doubt he gets. Good luck to your family and thanks!

[Pigpen]

When I lived w/my dad and step-mom, I would get a good beating if I didn't call her mom, and my own mother had to be referred to as "that woman up north". What sick people to do that to children! Needless to say, my brothers and I fought hard to get to live with my mom, and get away from the abuse. Kids will always be loyal to their parents, and the more you try to get them to go against nature, the more they will fight it.

[Rotifer]

That is horrendous.

[Bladestar5]

How old is your son? Sorry if you already said his age...I have no time to read the whole thread. I just wanted to assure you that it will get better. I took my stepdad's name as a toddler, not by my choice, and it was never legal. I never changed it and took back my birth name when I turned 18. My mom was supportive, but I wouln't have cared if she wasn't. I hated my stepdad. My sister didn't like him either, but she hated our biological father even more, so she changed hers legally to stepdad's name. If your son is old enough, just assure him that you prefer he keeps your name, but that you love him anyways. When he is old enough, the decision will be his.

[Bladestar5]

Wow, your husband's situation sounds very similar to my own. My ex even makes my son refer to me as "Jeff" rather than Dad when in her home. While working out the legal angles I simply attempt to stay in contact with my son on a daily basis, even if I leave a message - which I doubt he gets. Good luck to your family and thanks!

What a mean, cruel B!!tch!! I would love to slap her silly!! What does she think that does to him mentally?? I wish you had custody. What a mean woman.

[Rotifer]

He's now five.

[Bladestar5]

He is at such an impressionable young age. That is just awful. I wish someone could talk some sense into her...I am so sorry.:hug

[Rotifer]

Thank you! Yes, he is. Also, he's quite intelligent - as, I think, many of this communities children tend to be :D. It's very important to me that my son become an intellectually and emotionally balanced man. For some reason, the necessities of motherhood perhaps, women achieve this more readily. Destabilizing a kid by denying access to his father simply complicates an already difficult process. I know this from my experience as a child, and that of my friends - some of whom have yet to figure this out. Ah well, it's all about love. Shovel it out, expect little in return and the world will right it's self.

[Bladestar5]

You are so right! I could never, ever take the kids from dh. He is such a good daddy. I would always think of their feelings before my own. I guess I am just the type of person that puts everyone's needs before my own, but now as a mom, that is also my job. That is every parents' job. Someday she will realize it, and it may be too late. She is pushing your son away and doesn't even know it.

[Rotifer]

She is pushing your son away and doesn't even know it.

Very true, the saddest thing in all this.

[Teresa]

Hi Jeff,

Sorry to hear about the tension in your little one's life right now.
I have to weigh in with the posters who are of the opinion that the name is relatively unimportant.

Having said that. . .

What is important is your relationship with K. Now, some of that for you, and for him, may indeed be tied up in naming, but I would be concerned that this not turn into a struggle with your Ex. that escalates to the point of her further attempting to alienate you. Your description leads me to believe that she is either less than rational or vindictive. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, and only going by your account, I'll presume the former.

You've described her paramour as being disinterested in his own two children from a previous marriage. If that is indeed the case, I highly doubt that he is particularly interested in your son except perhaps as a means of furthering his relationship with the Ex, or antagonizing you--again to the benefit of his relationship with her. I suspect that this whole name thing is her issue and that she imagines he might have more of an emotional investment in K. if he's called something different. Has the fiance said anything to you about this, or is this all coming from Ex.?

A few more thoughts:
This is likely to get worse before it gets better and as hard as it is try to resist the impulse to antagonize her.

My husband has a friend who was divorced when his daughter was 2. Although his Ex. was less than ideal, she got custody (this was many years ago) and he had to grin-and-bear-it for 10 years, until daughter was old enough to have her request for custody considered by the judge. At 12 or 13 she finally was able to live with him. . . happily ever after.
He did a lot of really clever things all those years to make his presence continually felt in a way that Ex. couldn't prevent.

He kept a current picture of his daughter next to his bed (it went with him when he had to travel) and first thing in the morning he talked to her, told her he loved her & missed her and would soon be with her. Same thing last thing at night. The important part was that he let her know this so she could picture him doing this every day. After a bad day, and no matter what was happening with her mother she knew he was loving & missing her.

He called every day to talk to her even if just briefly. I think there was something, too, about ringing once and hanging up, but I don't remember the details.

He collected pennies for her, too. Any penny he picked up or got in change he thought of her and kept in a glass jar. She collected pennies too. When she was with him they'd count and roll them all and he'd sneak a few into her things for her to find when she went back to her mother. I never asked her, but I'm sure that everytime she picked up a penny she thought of him--I'd expect that she still does to this day! I don't think the Ex. knew about the secret pennies and what they meant to the two of them or she would have intervened. Otherwise a child who insists on picking up change and saving pennies seems pretty innocuous.

He was a great father and he truly did what was best for his child, hard as it must have been. He managed to "be there" for her every day in a way, and I think he managed to do it without it being about him and his needs/wants, which she really needed. Her mother was really quite unstable and needy--not acting in daughter's best interests--and thwarted him whenever possible but he just kept on and took it, and it all turned out well in the end.

Choose your battles wisely and remember that what really matters is your continued relationship with your child and how he will come out of this in the long run.

Teresa
p.s. More visitation is excellent. Maybe he could stay with you while she recuperates from her knee surgery. Make the offer to her fiance! ("Al, I'd be happy to have K. with me while Ex. is recovering from her surgery. I know you will really be needed to take care of her. . .)

[Teresa]

Edited to delete post which was somehow re-posted.

[GoodWillHunter]

No way No way No way. Do not let her do this. There is no way she can legally change that baby's name. He is your son and I know you want to preserve that! What kind of woman would do that to her child?????!!!! His daddy is his daddy. She is wrong. I have never thought to change my oldest's name. He is a Guerra and will always be one. That's his name!!!

Fight for your name. It's your right!

[carmen veranda]

How is it going dad? I have been thinking about you and your dear son. :grouphug :grouphug

[GoodWillHunter]

Originally posted by carmen veranda
How is it going dad? I have been thinking about you and your dear son. :grouphug :grouphug

Me, too!!! Hope everything is going well... :love