trying again and terrified....

[proudmamanow]

Hi everyone,

I just had my first and second IUIs on Wed. & Thurs. This is our first time trying again after two losses, the most recent one at 11 weeks. Dp and I are both pleased to be trying again...we want a baby sooooo badly.

BUT we are both terrified.

Wed. night we were on our way to a baseball game. Dp wanted to cycle. I love cycling and normally I would have wanted to go to, but having just inseminated I was feeling very protective and cautious. She was fine with that, said ok, we can drive. My response? I lost it...I started crying...I was feeling so badly about putting her back in that place of having to take care of me, when we've been down that road before with no guarantees...

After our 2nd IUI (extremely well-timed!) yesterday, she was telling me how much she loved me and any baby we might have...(she is so sweet). I immediately started thinking..how can we go through this again? How can we gather up the hope & faith needed to get through a first trimester, get to a first U/S ?(our previous 1st U/s was when we found out there was no baby). Even thinking of getting a BFP while of course exciting, is also just terrifying.
I don't really have faith in my body anymore, at least not when it comes to carrying a baby to term...

I do think we're ready to try though, I don't really think that waiting longer would have made things much easier...and I do hope we're pregnant...
but it's so so scary to be going back to this place again...

thanks for listening,

[iris0110]

I am there with you on the fear. I am sorry this has been so hard for you. We just found out we are not pregnant after our second month of trying. I hope that you soon find out that you have been succesful and that you find a way to keep yourself calm through the first trimester. I can tell that your partner will definately be there for you. I checked out your link, and you two look so happy together. Congratulations on your marriage.

I am so with you on hating to be in this place. Just trying is so stressful, but it does help to have this forum, and so many women to share this with. I just wish that none of us had to be here. Sending you :sticky and :dust Good Luck.

[wilkers8]

I'm now in my 7th week of a subsequent pregnancy after losing my first son at 27 weeks. Sometimes I just wish there was some magical chant that anyone who suffered a loss gets to say and the fear will disappear...sounds nice, huh. All I can provide is a chant saying that I hope the two of you were successful this try and that this baby will stay with such loving parents.

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

We just found out we are not pregnant after our second month of trying.


Shannon, I am so sorry honey. I wish that there was/is something I could say that would bring comfort to you.

:hug

Love to you...

[proudmamanow]

thanks Iris & Wilkers8 for the loving thoughts & wise words.

Iris-sorry you are not pg! :(

Wilkers--congrats and a huge :hug to you!
:love to both of you

[KateSt.]

Jesse, I sought out this thread after you mentioned it in ttc. I have to say, I think you're absolutely right that waiting longer probably wouldn't have helped. I wasn't exactly feeling "ready" when I found out I was pg this time, but now realize I would feel this fear no matter when it happened.
I can totally relate to the terror you're feeling and the only thing I can say is that it's normal. No one has been able to say anything to make me feel better -- 'cause now I know there are no guarantees -- but knowing my feelings were perfectly healthy and normal, validated me in a way.

I do have a special feeling that your iui worked again this time, and I know the mixed feelings you'll have with a + test -- and I will be so happy to hear about it when it happens! In my case, the fear hasn't gone away. I just have good days and bad days. I wish for you many more good days than bad! :hug

[proudmamanow]

thanks so much Kate,
as always your words are so wise & compassionate and make me feel :love
I hope I'll be joining you soon--I'm glad you have a good feeling about our IUI!
much love, peace and :sticky to you

[proudmamanow]

update! As of today we are pregnant!! YAY! :)

But we are a bit concerned, as my HCG levels are very low still (16 at 12 dpo). The good news is my progesterone is nice & high (53.2) higher than it was at 5-6 weeks last time! So here's hoping my HCG is skyrocketing right now!

thanks for all the ongoing support....

[Ekatherina]

congratulations...:) :hug

i just read ur thread....so wonderful ...i wish you all the luck in the world...

[proudmamanow]

thanks so much, Ekatherina! I was just planning to post on update on this board to say that we had our 2nd ultrasound yesterday and all is very, very well. We are now at 11 weeks and feeling very confident that this baby is now going to stick! We can't wait to meet him/her in April (which is the next time we will be seeing them, as we don't plan on any more u/s). Feel free to check out the link below to see our initial pictures of our little bean!

Thanks again to all the wonderful, wonderful women on this board for all your love & support during this difficult time--happily it's now a wonderful time!

:love :love :love