1st time pg - dh not happy - thoughts?

[Madeleine S.]

Dear Moms and Moms-to-be, this is hard. I'll go back and introduce myself properly after this, but I've just learned that I'm pg for the first time and in a nutshell, dh isn't happy about it. His reasons are primarily financial - he's recently unemployed and we live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment in a very expensive community (Vancouver BC) where my business is located (we would have left otherwise). It was completely unplanned, so it's for sure a shock for both of us. I hate to say this, but he would honestly prefer that I not go through with it, although he is not pressuring me to do so. If it weren't for the fact that I'm feeling WONDERFUL I would be heartbroken by this. My question for you all is: has this ever happened to any of you? Did he get over it/come around? Any suggestions for supporting him in working through this? I'm not mad at him for his reaction, just saddened and worried about how it will affect the pregnancy and future. Thanks - you're a wonderful bunch of women.

[jecaly]

wow, that is a tough one. i feel for you and your dh. it sounds to me as though you are really excited about the new person, and he is worried about money but would otherwise be good with it--is that right? if it is, you could think about other variables you can control aside from whether or not you are pregnant, such as moving to a less expensive neighborhood within commuting distance to your business.

two other thoughts: babies are not that spendy, and a lot can change in nine months. i know people who were never-have-to-work-again rich on paper when they first decided to breed, only to have all of it gone by the time the baby was born. the fact that your dh is unemployed now is almost completely irrelevant to whether he'll be employed later, when it really matters. and sure, you CAN spend a lot on a new baby--there are plenty of products out there--but most of them seem unnecessary to me. we're getting a carseat (have been given two, so far!), diapers and covers (none new; all from the tp and ebay for 1/2 to 2/3 retail), a sling (tp) and some clothes (used), plus a cosleeper crib thing (hand-me-down from a friend), changing table (also a hand-me-down) and maybe a rocking chair if we find one. true, the baby isn't actually here yet, but it is seeming to me like it's possible to do it pretty frugally. we're also not planning to give the new person their own room until they actually need one, around age 2 or so, we're guessing.

hope this is helpful, and best to you!

*jennifer

[Caroline248]

We were essentially homeless with our first baby, we were also young (18 and 19). It took him 2 years to come around. He didn't see the baby until he was 18 months old.

We got married when our son was three, and I was pregnant very soon after. Again, he was NOT happy. After a while, he began to come around. I think age and maturity played a part. By the time our daughter was born, he was crying in the hallway. SO give him time, it is very hard to adjust to sometimes, but I really think once he sees the proof of the baby (you getting bigger, the kicks etc) it will become more a "baby" and less a "cost".

YOu didn't mention your ages, I would think a man in different stages in life would react differently as well...

Caroline

[moon_goddess]

whew...this is oh too familiar.

i am sorry you dh isnt as excited as you would like him to be. let me tell you my story and send you a few links to what my dh has written about it.

i had wanted to have a baby for a long time. i was wanting to wait a few more years before trying to have one. BUT as it turns out i got pregnant last year and went thru hell the first few months of pregnancy.

my dh and i went thru the whole "should we not go thru with it" talk. over and over and OVER again. what it came down to was that my dh is a writer and artist, he ended up coming to the conclusion that this was my "creative project" and that since it was in my body i had control over it. he was still very upset about it for a really long time BUT, as you will read, totally has turned around and is MR. DADA!! i am serious he is so happy we have him in our lives. he kinda kicks himself for not being gung ho from the get go.

so here are some links to stories my writer hubby wrote about the situation. i would suggest letting your dh read them. they are funny and true and a quick read!
feel free to leave some comments on them. he enjoys hearing other ppl's reaction to what he writes. makes him feel like it is worth writing...thanks

hope this helps!!!
feel free to PM me if you have any questions :love

"the most terrible wonderful news"
http://www.linusmoke.com/journal/20030909.html

"miscariage scare"
http://linusmoke.blog-city.com/read/752582.htm

"the reluctant father, reprise"
http://www.linusmoke.com/journal/20040323.html

"how to have a baby in 26 minutes"
http://linusmoke.blog-city.com/read/752656.htm

[darsmama]

:hug
The next few months may be hard for you while your dh comes around, but he more than likely will.
My DH and I are both ESTATIC now, and he's been the best pregnant daddy around-but we (both unemployed) both had hours/days where we went through our horomonal worrisome stages at times, during the first couple months. Once we heard her heartbeat, and felt her first kicks there was NO looking back.

As a Previous Poster (PP) said, babies are really not that expensive. We've made this pregnancy WAY more expensive then we've needed too. We have spent over $200 on her room, and maybe $50 on diapers. Her room is STOCKED thanks to family and friends donating stuff, but I look at the swing, the $150 crib bedding/deco set, and the bouncer etc. and I think "Wow. I don't even think I'll NEED this stuff now".

A sling, some diapers, clothes, some blankets and lots and lots of LOVE :love is all I really think we need now.

I hope things work out for you!!!!

peace and love,
Katie

[Lula's Mom]

I'm sure he'll come around. Many men feel defined by their jobs and their ability to provide for their families- he's probably just very worried about "another mouth to feed". But as others have said, babies need almost nothing but you for at least the first year. :)

My daughter's father was so angry when I got pregnant. We had been married 7 years at that point, and we'd discussed having a child and decided we would like to. But then my wild-child nephew came to live with us temporarily and changed my husband's mind about having kids, EVER.

Enter the + HPT... :eyesroll He said "I don't know what you expect me to say- I'm not happy about this" and walked out of the room. And then he lost his job.

He tried the silent treatment, he asked me to go get an abortion, he gave me guilt trips about loving 'that thing' more than I loved him. He threatened divorce, but neither of us really wanted to. We decided to put the baby up for adoption. I filled out my part of the paperwork, but he didn't do his.

We had an ultrasound because I had no clue when I'd gotten pregnant (more than a year of no period). When he saw the image on the screen, everything changed. He saw it was a baby, a real person. And he knew we would manage somehow.

We're not together anymore, because he continued to not be the husband I needed him to be in many other ways, but he is a GREAT dad. He could not love our daughter more, and he is an excellent father to her. I am almost certain it will all work out for you too. :)

[MountainLovinMama]

Oh...so sorry. This must be very difficult, to say the least. I do not have any first-hand experience, but I do have two close friends who went through something very similar - and in both cases, their partners came around and are wonderful, very involved and loving fathers. I suspect that any man who is initially troubled and not feeling positive about the responsibilty, financial hardship, etc, of a baby is probably the type of man who will take fathering seriously, kwim? Best of luck to you.

[Madeleine S.]

I'm back - thank you so much for these responses - a little reassurance goes a long way these days! Reading Linus' writing really helped me to see that we're not the first couple for this to happen to.

We talked again last night and it's still really bad, but I think that I understand a bit better what's happening. To address some questions that respondents had, we are both 36. The financial thing is surface, as it turns out - what's beneath it is that he feels like a failure for not having been able to provide (the classic!) what he thinks that we need in order to have a family (house, savings) by now, as well as the fact that he hasn't "made his mark" in the world (he was planning on starting a business when he left his job). He has been pretty depressed for the last year or so, which I attributed to a very oppressive work environment where his talents (he is brilliant!!) weren't really being harnessed or recognized. So basically the baby coming represents his "failure" as a man - ouch.

So, ok - I give him time, but I'm concerned about telling our friends and families and how he'll deal with that. At this point I'm thinking that I should wait a bit (I'm 6 weeks, fwiw), but another part of me thinks that maybe others' energy will help to open him up (this will be a first grandchild on both sides). He says that he's willing to "act happy" if I want, which I frankly can't imagine. Also birth preparations - I've called the local midwives and haven't told him about it - should I just keep going, then tell him later what I plan to do? He's already feeling so powerless, so again it's hard to call that one. This is a test of faith, but I'm feeling like this little life inside me will somehow carry me through. Thanks again for all your thoughts and energy.

[alaskanteach]

I thought for sure my dh would hit the roof when I told him I was pg (THIS pg) as we just adopted a baby and we have a 1yo. Nope. Totally cool with it. I would think not telling anyone until your first trimester is over would be pretty traditional, and may give your dh sometime to adjust. Plus, he may really like being a sahd. Do you know any in your area? He being unemployed may turn out a blessing in desguise.

[Shellie]

I have a 9yo daughter who came out of similar circumstances. Dh and I were not quite 21, newly married and very poor college students working while trying to put ourselves through college with no financial help. Dh would have been OK with me terminating, but after asking once "Do you want to keep it?" he knew I didn't want to terminate and didn't press. He very quickly came around and began to get excited, but my pregnancy and the first few years after were very stressful times. We made it though--and are very happily married and approaching our 10th anniversary. And he adores our daughter so much--he can't imagine llife without her. She changed our plans and our path, but he's grateful now. We went on to have a little boy (planned!) and are pregnant again (also planned!).