What's your PPD story?

[tara]

As I read these boards, every now and then I come across someone posting an aside about when she had PPD. And I realize, again, just how many of us deal with it/have dealt with it. I think my midwife said 25% - "the most common complication of pregnancy" she called it. Well, then, why didn't I know anyone who had PPD before I suffered with it? Why did it take my coming out about it to find out my mother suffered with PPD after her pregnancies? It's something we don't talk about much. Like miscarriage, something else I had to experience and share with others before I found out how many women I know and love have had miscarriages.

So, if you have had PPD, tell your story, please! What happened, how did you feel, what did you do, how did you know, are you still dealing with it? how did you heal? Etc!:) There are incredible stories of strength and survival in here, I just know it!

[asherah]

I had been diagnosed as clinically depressed a few years ago and I was on Paxil a while. So I knew I'd be at risk for PPD. But my mom stayed with me for the first 5 weeks after ds was born, so I had lots of help and was mostly fine. When she left it was like I started crying and couldn't stop. I was sure I was a totally incompetent mom and that something awful was going to happen to ds. I didn't want to be alone with him because I was afraid something would happen to him and I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I started having obsessive thoughts about bad things happening to him. I kind of withdrew from both ds and dh at times because I thought they would be better off without me. I cried and cried and cried.

Finally I called a cognitive therapist who specializes in PPD. She has been teaching me very practical techniques to stop the obsessive thoughts. She sent me to a psychiatrist who also specializes in PPD and I have just gone back on the Paxil and I'm waiting for it to kick in.

Things are still very hard. I feel like ds prefers dh because I have been so unavailable at times. The therapist says that is part of my depression.. thinking ds doesn't love me as much as he does dh. I hope that goes away soon because I am very sad about it at times. My marriage is very strained because I am so volitile and I can't feel anything sometimes. DH is going to the therapist with me.

I believe these treatments will work and that we will get through this but right now it is hard.

And I have asked lots of moms and dads I know about ppd and it turns out a LOT of people I know have had it. People just don't talk about it which is part of the problem. We all think we are in it alone but we really aren't.

Anyway, hugs to all of you out there with this struggle. Get help if you need it and don't be ashamed or feel guilty. We can get through it and come out stronger and better.

Shoshana (aka Asherah)

[lauraess]

Hi all. My ppd story will take us back to my history of issues, including alcholic father and undiagnosed but definately mentally ill mom, my own substance abuse, and years of counseling. with my first birth I was very anxious and irritable and my emotions were volitile (sp?) I tried to be perfect all the time knowing I couldnt and shouldnt try but the obsession of this was very strong. My dh would try to help me change a diaper and I'd go off telling him I HAD to do it my self and blah blah blah. I was nursing and trying to get that right and would not take a break from reading the books and worrying about it and it was actually going fine. I couldnt sleep well even when I had a chance, couldnt relax. yelled a lot. especially in the middle of the night. felt overwhelmed and cried a lot. this lasted a long time. people suggested I could have ppd and of course I basically said " well sure I'm having a hard time, because of this----- and this----- and this--- but that doesnt mean its depression. DENIAL.
With my dds birth I was prepared. at this point I realized that I had gone through ppd and that I wasnt able to admit it. I wanted things to be different , I mean my dh and I really were scared to have another! I read up and when the symptoms started hitting me after the unplanned repeat c-sec I tried so hard not to have, well, I began telling the nurses and drs and my midwives and a week later I had a script for paxil. things improved a whole lot. actually, I felt better than I ever did in my life.
Currently, I have been trying to wean myself off of the paxil and have had a lot of difficulty the last three weeks or so. i decided to not drop the doseage so low for now. I'm planning on talking to someone, just dont know who. my psychiatrist who does the dispensing only isnt much help. and my family dr is holistic and doesnt want me on it at all.
I definately think its important to talk about ppd. i warned a freind who was recently preg just to let her know id be someone to talk to if she needed it.
Laura

[tara]

Ok, I'll go...

I have a history of depression, fought it for years. I went off my meds about six months before getting pregnant and really did pretty good until about three days after Jackson's birth. I woke up crying. I cried all day. It was like I had no control over it, the tears just kept coming. I knew that 'baby blues' were really common and figured that's what I had and it would work itself out. But, each progressive day got worse and worse until I was just lying in bed crying all day. My partner and my mother took care of the baby and they brought him to me when he was hungry. I would nurse him and hand him back - I didn't change diapers, didn't hold him or look at him any longer than I needed to. Nursing felt like a huge chore and it took all I had not to formula feed. I couldn't remember why I wanted a baby so badly (and Jackson was the result of *years* of planning) and I longed with all my heart for my old life. I wanted him to disappear. He felt like somebody else's baby.

This was the worst depression I have ever felt. It was completely debilitating. I was barely functioning, and I am so grateful that there were other loving people to be there for my son. I think, at least for me, that is the most insidious part of PPD - the big barrier it puts between you and your babe. To this day I struggle to bond with him, though it's getting better every day. I'm starting to feel in love with him more often, to have difficulty imagining my life without him, and that is a very sweet feeling...

About a week into his life, I woke up and knew that I had to do something. I tried to call my midwives' office, but it was before hours and I didn't feel like I should 'trouble' them to use the pager (if you are ever in this situation, PLEASE USE THE PAGER!). Tried to call my friend who is a naturopath but couldn't reach her. So, I called the nurse at my HMO who had been doing my weekly NSTs, someone I felt I had some connection with. It was the best I could think of. Well, she was wonderful - told me I had PPD, I needed to come in and get some help immediately, asked if I had someone with me. I saw my doctor that day and got a Rx for Paxil. My naturopath friend also prescribed progesterone drops. The progesterone worked like magic for me - I didn't completely recover, but it quickly took the edge off so that I could function. And it helped some of the physical symptoms I was having - hot flashes, insomnia. A few weeks later the Paxil started working and I felt like I was returning to the earth little by little. It was a hard decision to take the Paxil - I really didn't want to bf with a psychotropic medication in my milk. But, what choice did I have, really? I think breastmilk with a teeny bit of Paxil is probably better than formula, and that's where I was headed.

This has been a pretty incredible experience for me. I honestly wasn't sure I would survive it, honestly wasn't sure I could ever be a mom. My birth was hard, and this was waaaayyyy harder. I'm so proud of myself for surviving. I'm so proud of myself for sticking with AP when I just wanted to get this baby away from me. AP probably helped us recover. I feel infinitely grateful that I had such good support - my beloved partner has never resented doing all the work during those first couple of weeks, and friends and family surrounded us with love.

I also tried going off my Paxil a couple of months ago, with the help of a naturopath and a constitutional homeopathic... No go. I tapered off very slowly, but it was pretty amazing how quickly I found those horrible thoughts coming back - I caught myself longing for my old life again. So, I'm back on - I'll try again later, sometime when we're getting more sleep maybe.

Thanks for sharing your stories. We are not alone! And we are strong, resilient women...

[lauraess]

Tara: I was glad to read ;your story. thanks. I've gone back up to about 17 mg of paxil after coming down from 20mg and to 12mg. I was just having so much more anxiety and mood drops. my tendency to be violent and abusive came back like gang busters. I hate to even put it in print. did you ever get violent? I'm sure it's part of my personality and one may simply go another way with it. I've been to twelve steps meeting in the past for my chemical dependency and that was for a consistent 6 years. My freinds who still go to meetings are surely thinking I belong there and lately since I've had such trouble i wonder if I should go back to meeting. I just tend to think that so much of what goes on with me is the depression and the motherhood and the intricacies of all that chaos and psycho-sh&*. kwim???
I feel the meetings are too much of a huge pressure for me when I already have so much pressure.
Laura

[tara]

Laura: I'm still on 40 mg! I cut back to 20, weaning very gradually, but I felt like poop again... I don't get violent with my depression, but I know others who do. I get comatose - the other end of the spectrum!

And, fwiw, I think you should go to meetings only if you feel you get good support there, not because your friends think you should...

[JesseMomme]

Hello ladies!

I wrote out the story of my PPD back at the beginning of this year. These days are much better. I believe I started getting better around November of '01.
-------------------------
Bear with me as this is my first post within these forums (I think I am doing this right)
My standout issue as of late has been PPD. It was quite unexpected and I was practically blindsided with it. But what helped?

Let me start with what didn't help first.
Going to the Dr. didn't help. This 6 months after the birth of my first. I didn't know what was wrong but I knew something was "wrong". I was not "depressed" but had long drawn out bouts of anxiety. The biggest trigger of these attacks were of all things, car rides (driving or being a passenger). And I never knew why. I was always paranoid we would crash, or if there was some idiot on the road that would cut us off, etc. I would sit with my heart in my throat, barely breathing for 20 minutes or so. It drove Dh absiolutely crazy...it was to the point where he didn't want me in the car (I became a horrible backseat driver) and I dreaded having to go anywhere.

Anyways, I talked it over with the Dr. The same Dr. whom had delivered Kieran, by the way. I was told the crazy hormones in my body "left over" from being pregnant would probably hang around up to a year after delivery or so. Now how was that a help? NOt that I wanted a scrript for drugs...I endured the bouts until Kieran was about a year old.

What didn't help? All the stress that came surging in during my last trimester for my Donovan. I went from the happy oblivious pregnant lady eagerly awaiting the birth of my dreams (that dream was the hosp. birthing center, basically) to a fighting crying ranting raving (and learning) lunatic trying to escape the medical establishment. During this time, I also began greiving for how horrible my first son's birth really was, realizing I had tucked most of the horrible memories away. The whole trauma was back as new as the day it happened, with surprising new details. It was like flashing back to a long ago rape.

Before I knew it I was spreading my my legs for cervadil while the nurse and Dr. joked about how it looked like a large sperm.
A few months after Donovan was born, I slipped into a one-two combo of depression and anxiety. Long story short, what did help?

A wonderful online friend who recognized what was hapening to me right away...that helped me face and grieve for all that had happened to me and my babies.

I made the connection between birth experiences and the anxiety and depression, and having things make sense as such made me feel that I was not going crazy after all.
Nursing. Plain and simply wonderful.
Staying at home with both children. Routines kept me grounded in reality, more or less. If I had gone to work, I would have missed out on so much cuddling that helped heal my heart. ---------Jan '02----------

I basically crawled, tooth and nail, my way out mostly on my own. Dh was supportive but didnt really "know what to do". My mother was the worst, who told me twice to "Snap out of it!" And she battles depression herself! (with the help of Paxil so I am familiar with it in that sense)

Hugs, to all of you strong women. I wish you well...you're not alone and yes, it does need to be talked about.

[tara]

Thanks for your story, JesseMomme!

[lauraess]

Jesse: I dont know your birth storie/s but it implied they might be traumatic. Mine were what i would call traumatic as well and I certainly include them in the factors leading to my ppd. thanks so much for sharing because it is very important to others. the ignorance is rampant. I always thought I wasnt depressed but after being on paxil I see the truth. how does one know if shes not exactly laying about but not reaching her potential( or getting close) that shes depressed unless she feels the changes taking place? kwim? I am so much more motivated and positive when I'm feeling ok with the help of paxil. I had been advised by freinds for years that maybe I needed meds and now I'm sure I always did need them. Havving a babyjust made it all so much more clear. the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and negative thoughts were debilitating. people think ppd is a hormonal thing and dont realize that it has many contributing factors.
Please, keep the stories coming!
Laura

[JesseMomme]

Lauraess,

I feel I got so lucky that I didn't need meds, or get a script for them when people begged me to. So many people today talk to me of Paxil, it astounds me (not in a bad way). IT does wonders (I have watched it work wonders for my own mother the last few years, she takes for depression and chronic anxiety) I do worry though that it appears she will never "wean down" from it. I think Zoloft is another common script I am seeing mentioned for PPD.

Anyway, it makes me the most upset that when PPD is discussed in "mass media" the following is mentioned 1. Hormones (always the hormones) 2. Stress 3. Past history of Depression or other mental illlness.

And I say, what about birth trauma? What is traumatizing to woman in modern birth practices today is seen as so normal and standard and nessesary that is is entirely overlooked. IF you say your birth was traumatic, you get uncomfortable looks at best. No one wants to admit there is something VERY WRONG with hospital birth in the USA today, and therefor as factor of PPD it will never be pointed to. (not that birth trauma couldnt' happen elsewhere). It angers me to the core.

I had also wanted to mention in my last post that one thing I did that "took the edge off" in my most extreme moments of anxiety or panic attacks was take Bach's Rescue Remedy, a homeopathic mix. I took twice the recommended dosage, mixed with about 12 oz, of water and slugged the whole thing fast. ( I couldn't stand the taste of drops on my tongue so that is why I mixed with water). With in a few minutes I was more grounded in reality and could calm myself the rest of the way down.

I also forgot to mention that I later learned "intrusive thoughts" were a symptom I had. I didn't have thoughts of hurting my children, but had terrifying visions and worries that someone would come and hurt me and my babies. I always had my door locked...(and I lived in a small rural town, not a big bad city)

A link to my first son's birth story is here:
http://members.tripod.com/~col131/Birthstory1.html

I have my second son's story written out and on a diffrent server, angelfire, and they have disallowed me to post or link directly to them (how dumb!) TRipod is my mirror site that I still have to work on, so pardon that it is really outdated and the tables got to be a bit of a mess somehow.

Another note, I had written that story April or May of 2000, and still had no idea what had "really happened" to my son, and still hadno idea of the repercussions I would suffer from it. It is missing a lot of detail because I blanked them out for a long time (a sign o post traumatic stress disorder in my humble opinion).

If anyone is a member of www.birthlove.com you can find both of my birthstories there, search under "Jesse" and they will show up (I lost the urls', whoops)

Thanks for responding, it means a lot to me to share this with others. It is the good that I hope comes out of this terrible thing I and others went and continue to go through.

[tara]

I think you make very good points. Personally, I didn't have what anyone else would probably call a 'traumatic' birth, but it was traumatic for me. It was so much more painful than I imagined it would be, and so much longer than I imagined it would be. I had distinct moments of feeling out of control and trapped. I had to transfer to the hospital (they were really good to me, but it wasn't where I wanted to be). In the weeks after, I kept having flashbacks to the birth, remembering how it felt and feeling it in my body again. I almost felt like I had PTSD. I definitely feel like that was a component in my PPD.

Thanks again for sharing, everybody!

[Nursing Mother]

Wow what stories. I know personally how traumatic PPD can be.

My first bout was in 1986 with my second baby. It manifested itself just 3 days after birth. I kept it hidden for several weeks and the symptoms just got worse each day. I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. I had had a wonderful home birth and a beautiful baby. No tears, no stitches, physically I seemed fine, but mentally I was falling apart. Finally I stopped sleeping totally. Five days with NO sleep I had a nervous breakdown, I couldn't function at all. Obessive thoughts tormented me. My attempt to nurse was failing. I went to a naturopath and he said it was low-blood sugar. Had a bunch of tests, herbs, special diet (no sugar), accupuncture, tinctures, so much more. NOTHING WORKED. I was so far gone by then my dh wanted me hospitalized, but finally saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with severe PPD (this was before Dr. where even aware of it) Anti-depressants literally saved my life. I took an older form of med called tri-cyclics (ms) They worked wonderfully and within 4 weeks I felt totally normal again. That nightmare was over, but I reeled from it for several years after.

Baby #3 same thing, but not as bad depression. The panic attacks started 6 weeks PP. The obssessive thoughts tormented me night and day. I had to remove all sharp things from out of my sight. Scissors, knives etc. GONE. I imagined drowning my baby, throwing him out the window and worse. Couldn't stand the sight of any tool or machine. Went back on meds. and felt normal again in 4 weeks. Thoughts totally gone.

Baby #4 more prepared this time. Started taking meds 4 weeks PP. Had some blues, but not much.

Baby #5 just started meds and took them 6 months straight, felt great, slept great (in spite of colicky daughter). I nursed her right through it all and am still nursing. In fact I nursed all 4 times while on meds.

I am pretty pro- medication as you can see because they helped me so much. I feel my PPD was mostly hormonal and bio-chemical. My child-hood was fine and I really had no great "issues" in my life. All my births were gentle home-births with no complications. I didn't seem at risk, but I was.

During the worst of the times I never thought I would recover, especially with my first PPD, but now I really try to encourage new moms and tell them ALL PPD DOES PASS EVENTUALLY. Just get the help you need.

[asherah]

NM-
I am so glad you said that about scissors and knives!
I have had an awful time with them throughout this ppd... I have been totally afraid to have them around and it has really made me feel psychotic. I do not have post-partum psychosis.. but this stuff is scary.

2 weeks on the Paxil now and doing much better, even though I still have so much to deal with.

Blessings to you all,
Asherah

[Nursing Mother]

Asherah, it took a long time until I could really admit to the awful obessive thoughts I had had. Anything sharp would send my mind reeling during that time.

I am glad you are feeling better. I hope the meds you are on continue to help you heal. Most of my symptons where in my head as in mental thinking and obssesive thoughts. It drove me nuts, and no one had an idea of what was going on. It is so debilitating. I'm glad you got help.

[miriam]

I just wanted to know if anyone ever used electroshock therapy. WhenI called the local University (UCLA) that is what they were using. I just prayed and prayed that I would get better. I finally did.

[Nursing Mother]

If the meds hadn't worked I probably would have tried EST.

[tara]

Thank you for your story, NM. I really admire your strength and perseverance. Did I understand correctly that with your last pregnancy you took meds immediately? And it kept the PPD at bay? I have been thinking that if I chose to get pregnant again I would want to start medication before birth, maybe a couple of weeks before. Preventatively (is that a word?). I'm not sure that docs would agree with that, but my experience was so horrible that I want to do anything I can to avoid it happening again. In fact, I might not have another baby because of it. That postpartum time when I expected to be in love with my baby and feeling exhausted but high on the experience... well, I never got that. Maybe nobody really gets that, but instead I wanted to get rid of my baby and run away. Still makes me shiver to remember it.

[Nursing Mother]

yes tara, especially with your history a lot of Dr. s would want you to start even before the baby is born. I started about 1 week after with my last dd and it did help a lot. I wished now I would have done that with my 3rd and 4th kid to, but what is done is done. I learned and grew so much during those difficult times that I guess it was meant to be, but I did have a lot of support thru family and friends. I wasn't going to "tough it out" with my last baby.

I know of some women who took anti-depressent through two-trimesters and way into PP. When you're at risk its worth trying. Good luck.

[tara]

Good to know, NM. Good to know. Thanks...:)