Advice for a single mother raising a son ...

[Maracita]

...with infrequent visits from his dad.

To the men ( and women too...) what did you like about your mother, what is your relationship now, and what could she have done differently, better?
I got inspired by this thread by seeing the other one on dads and daughters and thought it would be great to get the male perspective too.
His father loves him but will not see him much as he is moving across country to follow his career ( and other women...). We still live close now, the separation is very recent. Even though it still hurts me I try to encourage him to come and spend time with us (ds is only 11 mo.). He says he misses him terribly. We used to all share a bed, and he loved being close to him. He wants to have a relationship with him, but his nature is to have a short attention span, he will see him for a few weeks every few months, what can I do for my son so that he does not have a strange view of relationships, love, how men should be, etc.
I do hope to expose him to some loving men that care for their children and wife, I hope this will not hurt him, but at least his dad loves him. My ex-husband says that is more than he had and that is all he wanted from his dad, even if he wasn't around.
What do you guys think, and what can I do as a woman and mother that is best for my son?
I do know of course, deep in my heart, but I do like to hear some guys opinions in this whole issue.

[zevulon]

Can I just write about a portion of the question?

You asked people what their mothers could have
done differently...I think that is the least important
part. What I loved about my mother was that she
was always loving, always trying. It's something
that I'm grateful for to this day. Perhaps there
were some mistakes, but I don't think about them
really and I wouldn't hold them against her. She tried
new things for me, new approaches and--like you seem
to be doing--held my interests as paramount. She loved
unconditionally when she was married and when she
was single--she was the greatest source of inspiration
in my life. I think searching, unbounded love overcomes
mistakes; love more and worry less is one thing I've learned
from her that I would love to be able to pass on as a parent,
as a father.

Perhaps others have input for the other part of your question--
but I suspect your right, you have the answers in your heart.

[Dov]

Wow, sounds like you're a great mom as-is.

I hear your questons and I can't speak to what a son of a single mom might have experienced, since I was the son of both a mom & dad under one roof (although during the time they were married, I never saw them as such; just two people under the same roof who happened to be my parents). The big thing in my own history was the reality that my Dad wasn't "around" much... he worked and "fathered" other people's kids even though he was in the house every night. It wasn't until he left my mom and I was out on my own that we began to develop a real, healthy father-son relationship. He claims he wasn't capable of it any earlier and I sort of can't argue with that. As a Dad now myself, I get that.

As he rarely "showed up" at home, mom was a pretty significant player. She really did the best she could with what little she had, but unfortunately for me, that wasn't really enough most of the time. It's funny because I really began to have a decent relationship when she was on her own and I was too. Just a bad mix... they really are better people now separate than they were together. She and I have had long long heart-to-hearts and fights and make-ups over all the chaos of my childhood. One thing she finally realized was that she tried to control my emotions because to her, they were so foreign and had an intensity my Dad lacked. It scared her and she tried to crush it in me, only to realize later that she'd have been better off just letting me be intense. I'm still intense but she's learned that healthy male energy, while potent, isn't negative. I had to rebuild a lot of that warrior archetype back into myself that she had dismantled when I was young. Recently, she and I did a little ceremony together where she gave my warrior back to me and made amends. I think she needed to do that more than I needed her to, but it was okay and I really respect her humility and openness to me to even do that.

I am fortunate, however, to have developed the feminine side of myself earlier rather than later, although sometimes I wish I'd had more male eldering/fathering earlier on to balance it all out as I went. Mountain boys were pretty brutal with me growing up as I was pretty much a dreamer and intuitive, not an action-oriented soldier-type. Mom was a tough nut and she had three boys who rarely could get things past her notice. At the same time, I knew I had no bigger fan artistically than her (the one area she didn't try so hard to micro-manage). She never missed a show or performance, even when I was creating music she didn't understand or prefer, or smoking on a stage as a character so different than her actor-son.

I don't know about the absence of Dad though... I know it's popular these days to claim that sons don't need men or even Dads (Jodie Foster, et al.) but in my experience that's B.S.; sons need healthy men around (although that doesn't always need to be a biological father, especially if bio-dad isn't healthy). It's still a gap in my own life, albeit healing now, that my own father wasn't healthy enough to give me what I needed. Fortunately, both my parents taught me how to evaluate potential elders and get help from them. Subconsciously they must have known their own shortcomings and had the guts to guide us in the directions of others who could make up for them. A pretty lucky thing.

It sounds like you're thinking about that and your consciousness about exposing him to healthy men will pay off for your son. I admire your openess and strength to give him what he needs even if it's hard for you personally. That's something your son will notice ultimately and those are good qualities for guys to have access to in female friends, mates, or lovers. He'll get that from mom.... that's a very good thing indeed.

Dov

[UXB]

My Story: My father and mother divorced when I was around 2. My father though present in my life was not around much, if at all. It was the 60's, he was 25 and it was San Francisco. He was very into the scene. So even if he was around he wasn't totally all there alot of the time. My mother a secretary, basically raised me all on her own.

So... what can I advise to you? I think that the main thing is to be there and love your child. Let him/her know they are loved. Which I think you are already doing, just by fact that posting this question shows you care. That being said I think additionally you should keep an eye out through the years as to how the single parent, dad not entirely present situation affects your child. Because even though it may not be obvious, it may indeed have a profound affect on your child. It did for me.

For years I had all these self worth issues. No confidence when it came to relationships and mostly being down on myself way way too much. When I stepped back and took a hard look, I discovered that most of my issues stemmed from the way I grew up. When I was young, a prevailing question that I had was "Why was my dad not present in my life?". And I'm not saying my dad was never there, he was from time to time, the times together were just way to infrequent. Also, most of the time I had to be the initiator of all our phone calls and meetings. I unknowingly resented that. I guess I wanted his love and needed him to show it more. So in the end, my answer to my question was "I was not good enough". Sorta became my theme for many years. If you would have asked me then if anything was wrong. I would have said "no" and meant it. I had this fantasy dream of one day being part of a family where I would be this great Dad(the one I missed out on having), a Dad who was always there etc. Everything would be perfect. What became of all this unrealistic thinking, was I found it really difficult to maintain any romantic relationships as I would either sabotage them by feeling unworthy("I'm not good enough") or having way too high, unrealistic expectations. I don't think my mother was ever aware of any of these feelings I was having. The plus to all of this is I did figure it all out and am currently married with a son. Who is very much loved and should hopefully never have any question about that.

I'm not saying this is how your child will feel. I hope not, it wasn't fun. Every situation is different. Self worth issues can stem from so many other situations. I think one thing I can suggest to do is emphasize with the father that he needs to have an active role in your child's life. That his presence, even though remote can still be positive one. That may take the form of a simple phone call every night, once a week, to say "I love you", "I miss you", "I can't wait to see you" etc. that may be all that is needed. Your child will probably question why his/her dad is not around, what you don't want to happen is have them think it's about them. Hope this makes sense and is helpful. Just one man's point of view.

T.

[Maracita]

Thank you so much guys for your input, your stories, your thoughts, I am very much touched by this, and also strenghened.

Zevulon,
I was very moved about what you said about your mother. She does sound like an inspiration -
I do let myself be guided by my love that is truly unconditional for my son. I try to live in such a way that I will have no regrets towards him, that I do all that I possibly can with the best intentions and a clear conscience. Every day is an adventure, and every day is so fresh and new and getting to know this beautiful being is such a boundless joy for me.

Dov,
I loved reading your story. It made me think about how much better it is to be rather separate but happy than together and miserable. I figure, if his dad can not be happy having this angel of a son in his life and sacrifycing things for him, then it would not be good for him to be around his dad all the time anyways. He can get so negative sometimes, so now when he does see him he is overflowing with love for him, I hope this it is better that way. I am also thinking too that it will help him from having other healthy friends around. I have a dear friend who is a single dad raising two sons who has sacrificed a lot for them and who shows them they are very much loved, even though their mother does not care so much...
They are doing quite alright and my son really takes to him. It is interesting to see that he has this real thing with guys lately. He has been running up to two grandfatherly type men recently and was totally ready to be picked up by them (strangers) which they happily did, making their day as well.
He loves his dad, and it hurts me thinking about him missing him. He is still so young (11 mo.) but when his dad is around he is very much aware of his every move.

UXB,
your story brought tears to my eyes, some things can sit so deap. I am very glad that you could work through this, it takes a very aware and conscious person to be able to do this, and to know that it is nothing personal if someone can not love.
In thinking about my ds's dad, his ability to love is certainly limited, his ego is way too strong.
Your story inspired me to talk to his dad about how important it is that he is consistent in his love, to keep showing it.
So that he will remember his dad (and other people who care for him that he will not see much) I will make a special book for his with pictures of everyone, so that when he sees his dad every 4 months he will still remember him and hopefully it will not be too alienating. Now, personally I don't care to do this and have pictures of him around, but I do hope it will matter to my son to know and remember that his dad loves him, even though he choose not to be around.
Once ds is old enough for the phone thing, we will start this too. Good idea.

Yammer,
that does make me feel better. I talked to dxh (dear ex-husband) about writing letters to his son, he did not really see the point unfortunately. He thinks that when ds is old enough he will spend whole summers with him and then he can explain everything. We shall see. But I did tell him that he could at least send him postcards or such things from time to time and tell him he misses and loves him.


I am so glad there are men like you. Thank you so much, it gives me a very warm feeling around the heart, and your children are so lucky!!! There is nothing in this world that is more important than being a good parent. I agree that not being around does not make for a good citizen. Well, I could go on but have to get to work.
Thanks so much again, and I always love to hear from fathers and sons, one perspective I am lacking -
Love and light,
:thumb :)