Family Bed, or Mama and Baby Bed?

[sozobe]

I have been co-sleeping with dd from day one (though it wasn't planned -- she was distraught in the crib the first night, brought her into the bed, and that was that.) Until she was about 9 months old (?), all three of us shared the bed (me, dd, dh.) But then dh had a series of work issues that forced him to stay very late (like 11/12), and he has this thing where he MUST read in bed before he goes to sleep, and his schedule was becoming really disruptive. So, we decided he should sleep in the guest room until the rough spot had passed. It was actually a big sigh of relief -- he takes a long time to get to sleep, I would be mad because he'd wiggle too much and wake up dd, etc. And he gained the freedom to read, wiggle, cough, and do whatever he wanted.

So... dd is now 20 months old. Dh is still in the guest room. :rolleyes: We're not sure what to do about that. He wakes me up every morning, and we usually have some (ahem) quality time together while dd is still asleep in the bed. He still likes the freedom -- I still like not having to worry about wiggling and coughing and all. And dd has gotten much more mobile since dh left; we now switch sides a couple of times as she nurses down for the night, and then sleep quite comfortably a couple of feet apart (she by the wall), and I can't imagine fitting dh back in. But we do miss sleeping together, and he misses snuggling with dd. (He does get a fair amount of reading-books-together snuggling et al).

Does anyone else here co-sleep with just the baby/ kids, no dh? Since things are actually going quite well (dd sleeps fantastically) (knock on wood), should we not mess with a good thing and just wait 'til she's on her own?

Opinions/ experiences/ tips appreciated.

Thanks.

[sozobe]

Er...

The quality time is spent in a room OTHER than the room dd is sleeping in. Just so ya know. :D

[sozobe]

And one other thing... (Jeez, can ya tell I'm new?)... In terms of the poll, I say "husband", but really I mean "other adult" -- SO, LP, whatever.

[i'm amy]

For 3 years, my dh, dd and myself all slept together, until she got her own "big girl" room. Well, two years later, "big girl" still needs a warm parent beside her, so she and dh sleep in her room. In spite of this sleeping arrangement a pregnancy soon followed and now I sleep with 10 month old baby in "our" room (hee hee). Which, as you can see, suits us all just fine right now. In some ways, I feel a little sad about not sleeping with dh, but after almost 2 years of not dealing with his snoring, alarms and morning breath (!!!), it just seems like we have the perfect arrangement. From your post, it sounds like you and your mate are happy with things like this, is that the case?

[ladylee]

I need two choices--I start out with DH, but when DD calls at around 3 or 4, I go sleep with her. She's 2.5, we've been doing this since she was 1. Before that, we all slept together :)...

[troisenfants]

I have a similar situation. My husband sleeps upstairs in our sons room and I sleep in our bed with our 2 y.o.DD and 3 y.o DS. Our 6 y.o DD usually sleeps in her own bed but occasionally comes down at night and gets in with me and her brother and sister.

It started when #3DD was born and my husband was coming home super late and I had to get all three kids to bed on my own. At that time they were 3 y.o, 12 mos. and an infant. It was the only reasonable solution to getting them all to bed .... having them lay down with me.

It evolved to this because it allows my husband to get a good nights sleep which he really needs as he is in restaurant management and works ridiculously long days.

And the kids and I get to sleep all night too. For now it is working, but I can see a point in the future that my husband and I will begin encouraging them into their own beds. Probably in about another year. The youngest will be three then and all of the kids should be old enough to begin sleeping through the night and not wake up missing me. I HOPE!!!!

And my DH and I always find ways to (ahem) you know. That has not been a problem.

melanie

[emmaline]

I voted baby and kids because my babies are now kids

we have done every combination there is and currently:

dh and ds1(11) have their own rooms

ds2(4.5) and I share a bed

dh is the really disruptive bedmate and ideally would have a room at the opposite end of the house so he can be as noisy as he likes at 3 am (play violin, listen to BBC world service on radio, watch formula one racing:eek )

ds1 moved to his own bed and room at age 8 as he snored and likes to read late

dh and I started out living together at opposite ends of a long skinny house, at the moment we are a bit too crowded for my liking but one day...

[Irishmommy]

I'm the lone just my husband vote! And much as I love him, sometimes I wish it was just me in that bed. Dd1 comes in occasionally, but not enough to consider it a family bed.

[candiland]

My DD and DH sleep in the same room together - DD on the futon, DH on a single roll-away - and my DS and I sleep together, because he's a night nursling. My DH and I couldn't sleep well together BEFORE the kids were born...
he snores, I wake up and kick him, he wakes up, we fall back asleep, he snores, I wake him up and kick him, he wakes up, we fall back to sleep... lather, rinse, repeat...:p
so we have come to the conclusion that beds are for sleeping. All the naughty naughty fun fun can be found in some other great places.... creativity's half the fun!:D

[charmarty]

My girls and I share our queen size bed,and dh sleeps on the floor on a queensize airmatress.He likes being close,but likes the room too.It is a nice treat when he does sleep with us though.On nights like to night when I am up late,when I am ready for bed and either of the girls have woken up and need me,I will climb in with Dh,till the girls wake up for nursing.

[stormborn]

Right now it's me & 11 mo dd in a twin bed and dh on the couch beside us. The only bed we have big enough to fit all of us is a waterbed, and although it's waveless I'm still afraid to put dd in it.

But we sleep different hours anyway, so even if he was in my bed it would only be for an hour or so.

And I agree with candiland...I was bored with sex in the bed even before baby came along! :p

[lucina3]

Right now DH and I share a bed and the girls all sleep in one room - they each HAVE their own bed, but choose to cram into a single bed so they are together. When we have a baby I can see it happening that we have a "baby and Mom" bed and a "daddy" bed. He doesn't like the idea of co-sleeping - but admitted that might change when he has a child of his own. (Our 3 girls are from my first marriage) I'm really hoping he'll jump on the "co-sleeping bandwagon" :)

[sozobe]

Thanks so much for your responses, everyone! It's one of those things where it's really nice to know we're not the only ones. I'm sheepish enough (though also proud) when I tell people that dd is still nursing, which gets ratcheted up a notch when co-sleeping comes up, then another notch yet when hubby-in-guest room comes up. It's on my mind because my mom is visiting; "John's STILL in the guest room??"

But yes, Amy, overall we're quite happy with the arrangement. And thanks to y'all, we're both feeling a bit more secure about it.:123

[Kate]

I voted that we're all in the big bed . . . but isn't it funny what a broad range of "normal" there is? The point is, despite what the magazines/pop culture/etc. tell us, what works for any one family's individual circumstances is what's best. This is a good poll!

[Kalliesmama]

It used to be all three of us but now that DD is getting bigger and takes up more space, it is just she and I in the bed. Wish we could all fit in one bed but happily DH agrees that mamas and babies need to be together so he sleeps on the floor beside the bed!

~Jen

[Jazmommie]

half the time dd (3 1/2)& me sleep with dh in our king size bed & other time in her room on the twin mattress on the floor

dh goes to bed early & gets up at 3-4 am so it depends on how late we are up & how dd goes to sleep(in arms or rocking ) & how bad my back hurts!

[JenniferJeffrey]

It's just me and ds. It takes an hour to get him to sleep and he wakes me 3 to 8 times a night for nursing or other and dh was coming to bed late and waking us, snoring during the night and waking me more, and getting up early, and pulling the covers over ds, and thrashing around hitting us with his arms in his sleep.........Now he is downstairs on the sofabed and ds and I have our own room and I love it! We sleep so so so much better just the two of us. And isn't that what bed is for at night? Sleeping? OH, yes! I still think it is a Family bed. Any bed that is not the conjugal bed, any bed with parent and child combination is a family bed, I think. It would be nicer if dh had a real room of his own, but he likes staying up late watching movies from bed, so it suits him. Plus we have a full bath downstairs which he was using anyway for showering every morning, so it works out ok.

[Sagesgirl]

I wake up and kick him, he wakes up, we fall back asleep, he snores, I wake him up and kick him, he wakes up, we fall back to sleep... lather, rinse, repeat...

Oooh, sounds like us. :LOL

We start out all three in bed together. Well, scratch that. We start out with DD alone in our bed, then DH climbs in, then I eventually climb in...Then I eventually kick him out for snoring.

But sometimes the planets align, and the three of us are in bed together all night long.

I say, whatever works.

[BelovedBird]

We have two twin size beds in our room one for DH and one for me. The baby usually slept either with me or in the bassinet near me. Number one was put in a crib in his own room early,which I regret. The next one was in the bassinet or pack n play near me until almost a year, then he was with his brother. This baby (number three) sleeps in a crib sidecar-ed to my bed, or in my bed. I realized this time I wanted my baby next to me but my bed is just not big enough for the two of us withourt the risk of him falling out.
The bigger ones (5 and 3) ususally sleep through the night in their room, but when they wake up they come to our room and sleep on a little matress on the floor. We went through a period a short while ago where the 3 yr old (then almost 3) was sleeping on our floor everynight.

-BelovedBird

[Mama2G&E]

Our family bedtime is a circus, but it works for us.

I go to bed 1st along with our 5 year old DS, while our 17 month DD falls asleep in her crib, ever sence she stoped nursing she loves to fall asleep in her crib. Then when DH comes to bed a little later, and he moves DS into his twin bed, in his own room. Then like clock work DD wakes up, DH goes and gets her and brings her into bed with us. DH then gets up in the morning and goes to work. And DS will usually make his way back to bed with his Sister and Me.....if DS makes it into our room befor DH has gotten up to go to work, I have a crib materess that I pull out from under our bed and he likes to sleep on that.

And we all sleep happily ever after:)

[Mary]

I sleep with just my baby (19 months old). My husband sleeps on the sofa for a variety of reasons and it is not a problem at all for us.

Our reasons for doing this are:
He likes to fall asleep watching tv.
He wakes up at 5:30 in the morning for work and the alarm would wake us all up.
He prefers sleeping alone.
I sleep better when I'm not worried about how he is sleeping (which is what I do when he sleeps with us).

The funny thing is, in the three years we lived together before we got married, he always slept on the sofa. He just likes it. We even have a guest bedroom with a queen sized bed in it- he won't sleep in it because it is too hard for him to get out of in the mornings! We have our quality time after our son goes to bed. We don't feel like we are missing out on anything. Quite the contrary, we feel like this is what we have been doing the whole time we have lived together.

I do believe if a situation like this bothered any parties involved, you should seek a new sleeping arrangement.

Mary

[New Moon]

This is great, I love reading about everyone's creative solutions! At night I put ds and dd in their own beds to fall asleep (although sometimes they want to sleep together). Then I go to bed in my bedroom which has a queen futon. Dh doesnt get home til late and usually gets in bed @ 2-3am. Often dd (4yrs) gets in bed with me before he does, but sometimes after. On a queen futon that is all we can fit- 3 people. I would love for us to all sleep together, but its like sardines with all of us and no one sleeps. Sometimes ds comes in and wants to sleep with us and then he gets set up on the tiny spot of floor space there is in our room. But he usually sleeps through the night (he's 6). There are rare ocassions where I get into bed with ds for half the night like if he has a nightmare... and then dd and dh are sleeping together. If dh is gone then the kids and I sleep in my bed. If a kid is sick then I might sleep on the fold out couch in the living room with them so dh can sleep better. I like this arrangement pretty well, but dh gets annoyed sometimes with kids in the bed (he was done at 6 months,lol) But not enough to make an issue out of it. And like everyone else, sex is more interesting when you have to be creative :blush
~New Moon

[mommaceleste]

It is SO reassuring to hear from all of you and know I am not alone. Have any of you had to deal with criticism from your own parents? Mine think I have absolutely lost it. How have you dealt with it?

[ladylee]

Celeste, I don't tell them. They, to this day, have no idea that we coslept. None of their business! But it's easy to do that when they never come here.

[mommaceleste]

Mine live in the same area. However, they are so against the way we are raising our daughter (Cosleeping, babywearing, responding to cues, long-term breast feeding, etc.) that we recently had a huge argument about it where they told me I was crazy for doing these things. We're currently not talking...

[Super_Mom]

I'm Glad somebody created this poll becouse i have always been curious as to how other people coslept. We Have a Kingsize bed that we all sleep in, Mommy, Kids and daddy. Now That My 7yr old has Decided She wants to go to her own room, Our family bed is much bigger. I was Sad to see her go, but also glad becouse now there will be room for the new baby, Even still She's usually cuddled up in a blanket at the foot of the bed by morning. In the order that we sleep, Which is Baby, Mommy, Brother daddy, I have to have bedrails on my side of the bed to prevent baby from falling out, Does anyone else do this? Or do they just have their mattress on the floor.

[mommaceleste]

We have our mattress on the floor because we found that when our baby started getting more mobile, she moved around a lot during the night, sometime practicing her crawling or standing while still half asleep! I felt better knowing that I didin't have to worry about her falling...

[sozobe]

Have been really enjoying reading all of your replies!

Celeste, yeah, there are some raised eyebrows in our extended family when it comes to co-sleeping. Oh well.

We have our bed up against the wall, with small square pillows in a row, filling any gap and providing a bumper/buffer. dd sleeps pretty soundly, usually, and when she does roam she usually goes for the lamp on the bedside table on my side (we have a touchpad switch), which means climbing over me. Has worked well so far. (She also knows how to get off the bed herself, feet first.)

[mamakarata]

oops, I voted wrong. Our 9mo old sleeps w/ both me and DH. My 11yo sleeps alone, but jumps in some mornings. I love it.

I like seeing this thread too because people don't seem so fixed on how things are "supposed to be", but do what feels right for them. I think creative thinking is so important for parenting.

Right oooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

[MamaOui]

""""""""""""""

[wwhippetcrazy]

We started out with Dh, dd and me for about 2 1/2 months, then dh moved to the pull out couch...he is a very light sleeper, so dd getting up every 3 hours or so kept him up, and he would watch TV...this lasted until dd was around 6 months, then I added a second bed to our bed on the floor, so we had a queen and double together, so dh moved back in....he sleeps on one bed and dd and I on the other, oh and we both have one dog with us...lol....
It works really good now...although dh is up and gone for work hours before we get up, but dd is so excited on his days off when she wakes up and daddy is there....

[MuttiLiLi]

My DH sleeps in our room on the Queen bed with the 2 dogs(not on the bed) and I sleep in DD's room with her on a full. DH loves the arrangement as do I. He snores, has to have a really hot room,goes to bed very late and rises early.
A great thing to have for all nursing/cosleepers is the touch pad bedside lamps.

Celeste- mY mother thinks I am ruining my marriage by not sleeping with my husband. My mother-in-law thinks the cosleeping is the greatest thing- our dd is a true testiment to our well rested content home life.
;)

[naturalmama]

It was all four of us (me,husband, 4 year old and two year old)until about 3 months ago. Now my husband sleeps with us about one night a week or so. He has to have his space and cannot stand it when my son snuggles up to him. So it is usually the three of us in the king size bed(on the floor, pushed up to the wall on one side and bed rail on the other) and husband in the twin size bed in the spare room. UNLESS it is too hot, then he is down stairs on the couch:D

[Henry's Mom]

My dp and I sleep with ds's 2yo and 2 months old (plus our dog!) . When our new baby was born someone in our playgroup asked " Is your oldest in a big bed yet?" It took me a minute to realise she meant out of a crib and into his own bed, at first I thought she meant there is a bed bigger than a king sized -I got momentarily excited at the thought of more room!
We put the bed on the floor when our oldest started crawling but he has never gotten out on his own- who'd want to leave all that coziness!

[Shanghaimum]

I have to say I feel so much better reading everyone's posts. Thank you Sozobe for starting this thread.

My 19 month old ds and I cosleep on a futon in his room. My dh sleeps in our old room. For the first six months we all slept together and then none of us started to get any sleep. Dh has to get up for work at 5:30 and he likes to go to bed late. Until a month ago ds nursed a lot and woke very frequently through the night. Now, since weaning, most nights he sleeps all night. Almost everyone we know is constantly pressuring us about our sleeping arrangement. Ugh ... it drives me crazy. The only thing I am worried about is that I am 21 weeks pregnant and I just don't know how things will work once new baby arrives...


Emma

[becoming]

None of those apply to us. My husband works offshore, so he is gone two weeks out of the month. During those times, of course, it's just me & Chase. When he's home, though, we all three share a bed.

[papachee]

I voted just baby ... but I sleep with ds and dw sleeps alone.
She's working and needs her sleep

Until July when ... who knows what will happen we joke that I will keep sleeping with ds and she will sleep with dd. We both love sleeping with ds but sleep shcedules etc don't always mesh.

[kimmysue2]

Yep great thread.
I wish I knew there where others out there.
DH has a different work schedule then I (son comes to work with me) and he comes to bed late sometimes waking me up.
Up to two days ago it was all three of us in the same bed. But dh had a 3 hour discussion with me about how our son will be 14 and still in our bed bull.
I should have just went out and got another bed for him. But what I did come up with is I moved the crib next to my side of the bed, same level with the railing down. Its working well. My son still nursing in our bed and when he is done I just slip him over to his.

When my dh stays up late I do sleep better with him out of the bed.

If I have a another child I will co-sleep at lest as long as with my son. More if I kick dh out. :D

[GoodWillHunter]

When DS1 is home, DD, DS2, and DS3, all go to sleep with me. When DD is asleep, she is moved into DS1's room with him. DS2 and DS3 sleep with DH and I. When DS1 is "out", DH takes either DS2, or DD to sleep with him. He says "I know they're safe." Awww... How sweet. DS3 is a nursling, so he always sleeps with the mama. :love

[sparkeze]

This is really nice! I've been feeling kind of guilty thinking that a family bed means both parents.

DS goes to bed first, and sometimes DH and I go to bed at the same time, sometimes not, but DH sleeps on a futon mattress next to the bed (mattress/box spring). We originally did this because we tried everything else to keep DS from falling off the bed, but after sleeping on the futon mattress for more room a few nights DH preferred having his own space. We did all sleep together for the first 6 months or so, but then DS started to become a rowdy sleeper. So every morning when DS wakes up he goes down to the futon to wake up his dad who changes his diaper. Then DH falls back asleep and DS plays on the futon next to him for about 15-20 minutes and wakes him up again usually because he pooped. Then they wake me up and we open up the door and go out. It's a must for us to have the bedroom door shut at night because in the morning DS just walks out otherwise.

DS still nurses frequently at night so I switch him back and forth but we have one side against the wall and a body pillow on the other side so DS doesn't fall out when he's asleep. I prefer it this way - DH is such a loud snorer and kicks a lot too. The snoring is much quieter even though he's only a few feet away!

[Charles Baudelaire]

Thanks, Sozobe!

I really am sooooooooooooooo glad I'm not alone in our "weird" sleeping arrangements.

Dd and I sleep together in her room on a futon, which suited us just fine -- she's a real snuggler and loves to have someone there with her, and she and I cosleep well. She doesn't mind that I have to listen to books on tape to fall asleep, she doesn't snore, and she doesn't take up too much space at 2.5 yo.

I love DH very much, but his bed is too small! It's a full size, for one thing, and he's not a teeny stick-boy, so he occupies most of it, leaving me feeling very cramped. Also, he snores occasionally (hey, during my pregnancy, I did too and didn't want to inflict it on anyone!). Moreover, he's a pretty solitary fellow and I think he likes to have that private time.

Yeah, we've gotten comments. Things like, "When is DD going to get her own room?" or "What will you do when she's older and wants her own room?"

My only lame response has been, "We'll deal with that when the time comes."

[SunflowerMama]

Well right now it is hubby, baby, me most of the time. Occasionally our daughetr will sleep with us. Actually since hubby is working from 3pm to 11pm she falls asleep with me and Tyme, then when he gets home he puts her in her bed. If she wakes up he will go and sleep with her or just bring her in the bed with us. Then our 2nd oldest son wants to sleep with us, but there is just no way. We only have a queen size bed for now, and no room for him even on the floor(we are living in our 5th wheel) So, sometimes the baby and I will go sleep with Tristen on the sofa sleeper. LOL

[mommasuz]

Well, since DH is working night right now it's just me and the baby. He switches nights and days every 2 months and when he's home we all sleep together. We have a king size and it's fine for 3 since my DS starts in the crib and comes in around 12 or 1. If I'm not alseep before he wakes up it's hard for me to fall asleep when we are all squished but if I am asleep first then I'm so tired I don't mind it at all.

[AvalonDaughter]

Thanks for the post!!!!!!!!
I feel better now:D
I thought we were the only ones with that arrangement Sozobe it was really causing me distress :crying
Especially with a new babe on the way

[kingwrenn]

I first brought our daughter to bed with me when I returned to work full time, but was still waking up for night time feedings. It worked great for a little while, until our daughter began to grow. Now she and I, or she and her father enjoy sleeping together, but we rarely sleep with all three of us in the bed. There just isnt room. We have thought of purchasing a king size bed, but we just havent had the spare cash. Besides, she isnists on sleeping in the middle and I doubt that will change just because we get a bigger bed. Despite the fact that we are happy that we have provided our daughter with a safe, cozy, love filled sleeping environment, my husband and I miss our cuddle time. We dont really see any way out of this predicament other than encouraging our daughter to move to her own bed. We have started to talk about it with her and have showed her some plans of a loft bed that we would like to build her. We are hoping that she will be so excited and enamoured with her new bed that she will wnt to sleep in it. Wish us luck.

[bemommy]

Voted for baby + kid + hubby. . although my "kid" is our 5 year old Black Lab. . she gets the foot of the bed :)

Be

[istamama]

Since dd was born (now 13 mo) she's been with me and dh in another room on a single futon. Now he's thinking of coming in with us, putting his futon next to our queen. I've invited him many times but the question of us both getting enough sleep - with hsi frequent trips to the bathroom, snoring, tossing and turning etc and dd's waking to nurse and crying in her sleep etc - has dissuaded him, and me. We'll have to see how it goes. another option we're thinking of is getting another double or queen for his room and me shuttling between the two! We'd probably all sleep better that way. We had some renovations done recently and I know all the workmen were really pitying dh for being banished to his single futon!
Istamama

[UmmIlyas]

Ilyas and I co-sleep on the futon in the living room. Hubby sleeps on the floor either next to us, or in the baby room. We all used to cosleep together in the baby room, but a flood caused us to lose our big bed, and the futon is too small for all three of us. So hubby takes the camping bedding and sleeps on the floor. The arrangement isn't as awfull as it sounds, but we are saving up for a new bed:D