Advice and encouraging words, please.

[skj474]

Hi all, I hope I can get some good advice or encourging words here. He is the low down, ds is 15 months old and his dad has only seen him maybe a half dozen times. He calls and says he is going to come over to see ds on a certain day but calls the day before or day of to cancel, I do not bug him to see ds but I would like him to . Now here is what gets me ds dad is divorced and he takes his other 2 kids just about every weekend and every tuesday so WHY can't he take Justin too?? So the logical person that I am I ask why............this is the reply I got from him....."Justin doesn't even know who I am" and " If my ex wife finds out I am seeing Justin she will not let me see my other 2 kids" Now the idi:D t let her have FULL and SOLE custody of their kids, which, was very stupid in his part(imo). Now would it be easier to have all 3 kids at the same time? Or is he just being an immature (insert not so nice word here)? On the RARE occasion that he does see ds, he doesn't call himself daddy to him, he really doesn't play with him at all, and he will NOT be alone with Justin, why, I have no clue, and he won't give me an answer to it. TIA:)

Suzi

[familyman]

some men just can't do todlers. how old are his other kids? were you the other woman and got preg? or was it real soon after th divorce? what is the pain/ compitition his ex feels to restrict her ex's relationship with his son? is he so detatched from his first two she feels it will take away from her kids needs? or is this excuse a line of potty filler? does ds get scared and cry when he is with his dad? some men don't handle that very well, it makes us feel inadiquate (and we all know the fragile male ego feels,(( its better to reject than get rejected)),((( more bs))).
to your Q., if it would be easier to have all three at once. not if he has little or no exper. with kids. i have my three on a daily basis (p.t. sahd), and its tuff. and sometimes it takes every ounce of will i have not to change my possition on corporral punishment. i am of the opinion that herding dogs should have the same rights as seeing eye dogs when they are assisting parents who are out numbered by thier kids(haha).
as to his being an idiot for giving his ex sole custody of his 1st two kids, here is a man who doesn't keep his commitments. he bailed on his wife and kids, he bailed on his relationship with you and your son, what makes you think he is capable of living up to his resonsibilities as a joint custody parent? i think he should take this line of thinking one step further and get a vasectomy.
what contact do you have with the mother of his first two? could you start dialog with her to increase your ds exposure to his 1/2 sibs? are they curious about thier little bro? is it possible to cast ego and pain aside for the sake of the kids?
this is a big issue but you are on the right track in seeking help and i have faith your son will get through these things with a caring mom like you.

ds will deal with his relationship with his father his whole life, and if you help him find strong good men who can help guide him in his life, when he gets to the point in every mans life where he grieves the pain of his father, he will have men around him to help him work through his stuff.

[Jish]

I'm not a dad, but I agree that you can only do so much. You know what they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. I think the important thing is that your son has a good male rolemodel. Do you have any brothers, or would your dad fill this role? Do you have a good male friend who would be willing to do this? I think that the example set by a good male role model will be much more important than what involvement you can force the child's dad into.

If it were me, I would find him a good substitute, send pictures and updates to the dad every few months, and if he ever chooses to get involved with his son, so be it. I don't think you can healthily (is that a word) "force" anyone into loving, caring for, or spending time with his/her children if that is not what they want. Children need good role models, and if his father is not a good example for him, find someone who can set the example you want him to learn about what makes a good man, person, husband, father, etc.

Good luck.

[skj474]

Thank you for all of the advice and great words, I have realized thay ds dad will never be in his life, it's sad but at least I realize this. Ds does have my dad for a male role model and so far my 'friend'.
Family man.........here is the 'low down' I met ds dad while he was seperated from his wife, I found out that she was 7 mo pg and called things off with him, then after the baby was born they were still seperated and he said they were going for the divorce and then my pg came and all of a sudden he decides he wants to try things with his ex again, I REFUSED to get an abortion, to make this long story short he never told the ex until ds was 2 months old and eventually they did end up getting divorced but not until they both put me thru hell. His other 2 kids are 6 and 2 1/2 , as far as I know they DO NOT know about their half brother.

He really gets to me when he self-proclaims himself a "good father"UGH! It is his loss and ds can do without a half-a$$ dad in his life, I have a great family and great support, it just sometimes gets to me and I NEED encouraging words. It's nice to know I can get them here:) Thanks so much!

[familyman]

well this looks pretty sticky, the guy sounds like a total jerk, left two women while preg. i hope your getting a hefty child support from him. i might keep tabs on ds' 1/2 sibs, he may get curious and down the road ds and his 1/2 sibs can get together, you and their mom can have a "that sob" coffee. good luck