Very STRANGE Baby Shower Etiquette Question

[Past_VNE]

My mom is throwing a baby shower for me. Since I am a 'tom boy' and have moved around a lot, I don't have any girlfriends. So, the event will consist of my cousins, female family friends, older relatives, my dad's girlfriend and her two grown daughters (that I used to babysit!!) etc.

So, the question?

There is one person from my high school days that I would like to see there. She lives about an hour away and we have kept in contact over the years, about 1x/yr by phone and about 3-4x/yr by mail. She's got issues, but she's a nice person. I have not seen her in person since before "The Tragedy." So, why not just invite her? I think it might be really awkward.

What happened?
She is overweight, at best. She's always been a little depressed. About four years ago, she went to the hospital in pain, thinking she had appendicitis. She did not know that she was pregnant. (That is what she claims and since I can't crawl into her head and know for sure, I will suppress my doubt and believe that to be true.)

She gave birth to a boy, whom they estimated to be about 24 weeks along, if I remember correctly. They, the hospital, kept the child alive for 3.5 months, with no hope of long-term survival. She wanted to him to be let go. They kept him all hooked up. He had cerebral palsy and severe brain damage and malfunctioning organs and, and, and....the list was enormous.

The poor child finally died despite the hospital and she was able to get on with her grieving, her exhorbitant expenses and eventually, her life.

I'm unsure if the first time I see her since before this tragedy should be at a baby shower, but I don't want to exclude her, either. I feel like that would be discriminatory. I also don't want her to feel sad and obligated to come. I do not have a reasonable way to visit her before the shower.

All thoughts, advice and opinions are welcome. I really want to do the right thing, but just don't know what it is.

Thanks, Guys....errrr, Ladies!

[Ary99]

I would be honest with her and share with her your concern over how she might feel being at a baby shower. kNowing that you are thinking of her during this special time for yourself will in and of itself bring her comfort. You are a kind soul to consider this :)

[Lula's Mom]

Wow, Jaclyn. What a sad story. I agree with the pp- write her a nice letter. Tell her how much you would like to see her there, but the last thing you want is to be insensitive to her. Say something about what a hard time she went through with (her baby's name, if you know it). So you'll understand if she would rather not, and perhaps the two of you can get together another time.

[MaryLang]

I don't think it would be wrong to invite her, at least that way she can make the desicion whether to come or not.

[Kundalini-Mama]

I would write her a letter too and tell her that you would love to see her, but realize that a baby shower might not be the best place. See what she wants to do.

A little :OT but, why aren't you inviting males to your shower? At my son's shower, it was a M/F thing. Why? B/C I have male friends that I didn't want to exclude on the sole basis of them having a penis. It was great!

Amy

[Past_VNE]

Amy,
The guest list is pretty much up to my mom, I've just added two people to it.

I had made it perfectly clear that I was not interested in a baby shower, but both my mom and my MIL think it's required and exciting. So, it's really more for them than me, so they can have it however they like and I'll play along. ;)

She seems to think it would be nice to be a 'girl event' even though she knows it is common for it to be male/female these days. Also, in regards to my moving, all of my friends (mostly guys) are long distance. We live in southeast PA right now. My friends are in Florida, South Carolina, New York, Indiana, Ohio, Arizona and Michigan. EEEK!

[whimsy]

Not sure if this applies or not.....

3 years ago my sister and I were both preg (I was 2 months ahead of her) She lost her baby at about 8 weeks. I sorta pulled away from her for fear of my swelling belly hurting her feelings. She told me that pulling away hurt her MORE. She wanted to hear about every dr. appt. and such.

BTW - she was preg. again by the time Brody was born. She is also pregnant with me again this time (and everything's going great)

[Treasuremapper]

Since the shower is hosted by your mother, you can fall back on etiquette for an answer to this question, if you want to do so. Basically, only family members are invited to showers thrown by mothers and sisters. So you don't have to feel uncomfortable at all for not inviting her -- technically, I think that is the right thing to do. But it would be nice to meet with this friend outside the baby shower, if you are comfortable with doing that.

But aside from etiquette, my answer would be to follow your heart.

[littlebeagle]

I agree with Ary99 .... But what Inezyv said sounded good too.
I think your two options are:
1. write her a heartfelt letter, explaining your dilemma about the shower,
2. don't invite but visit her while you're there.
...Although, now that I've just typed what I've typed, I'm thinking that even if you visit her while you're there, just the fact that you are pregnant could make her feel sad if she's still having a hard time with this. Soooo... I think either way calls for talking to her/writing her beforehand so she knows you're pg, etc. Just talk to her and let her know that she's an important friend to you, you'd love to see her, and however she feels is completely okay with you and you will understand, etc, etc. Because you've put so much thought into this already, I'm sure you'll make the best decision. :thumb

[CathToria]

I would probably not invite her... not because of her loss, but because you really don't talk to or see her that much. i also wouldn't worry about her "finding out" about your shower, you can always phrase it as a "family/relative" shower.

her story is really sad......

[mehndi mama]

Well, I've been on the friend-side of something similar, so I'll just offer my experience.

When I was pregnant with my second baby, there was another lady at my church who was due just a few weeks before I was. However, I had my baby before she did, and he was born very sick and didn't live. She had her baby about 2 weeks after Trenton was born & died.
when she came to church for the first time after her baby was born, she acted kind of hesitant around me, and wasn't really talking to me much or anything. I finally asked if I could hold her baby, and she seemed very surprised - she later told me that she figured I'd have a hard time even being around her and her healthy new baby! And all I wanted was to fill my empty arms with that precious new little one, yk? It was wonderful, holding that little baby - I'd only gotten to hold my own little guy for about an hour before we unhooked him, and my arms ached to hold a baby for so long.....
(I better shut up. My husband just walked in & saw me with tears running down my face, and I had a hard time even getting the words out to explain to him why I was crying. But he said that I needed to tell you all not to be too cautious in the wrong direction, so I am.)

So, it could be that she would like nothing more than to come to a baby shower for you. If it were me, and I found out that I wasn't invited because you thought it might hurt me, I'd probably cry. But that's just me, I suppose.