Today, it's offically the 19th, would be my 7th wedding anniversary :bawl. Ya know, 50 other weeks of the year, my comment is, "well, I told him he'd only get rid of me by dying... I didn't think he'd actually do it" Days like today, I offend myself! :bang I am so thankful to be surrounded by reminders to have faith in love (like you Lisa :throb) and knowledge that the universe will not leave me without exactly what I need when I actually need it ~ right now, I would love to have someone and yet I don't know if I could make it thru another leap of faith, I mean it's 50-50 I could be right here again, this time with MORE kids than just the two, and less heart than I have right now!!! :bawl Someone once told me, it's not their birthday, you're not their mother, it's not father's day, they're not your dad, but your wedding day when the two became one and the promises were forged that is *your* sad day :cry So today I cry for the promises kept and the promises broken, the dreams I saw come true and the dreams that are shattered by his absence...
We've just moved to the place DH & I spent part of our honeymoon... MIL is coming to this corner of the world for the first time, this may be cathartic, but it's not gonna be pleasant nor fun! It's still soooooo painful for us to be around each other, even just twice a year ... When will this get easier? Will it get easier? How will it get easier? Do I really want it to get easier? does easier mean not important anymore? The details of our life get fuzzy for me, I know they're gone for the kids ... I don't want to "idealize" their daddy, but I want/need them to remember!!! Baby Hayden's 4th birthday is on Wednesday. This means he's had half of his birthday's without his Daddy :bawl (Hannah's birthday is Thursday, but I've got two more years til her "half life" crying jag :crying) :help

{{{HUGS}}} It looks like you are doing what you can to take care of yourself. If it helps at all to talk about your dh, you know you can tell us all about him here. Good memories, whatever. If that is too painful, ignore the suggestion. But if it seems healing, I know there are many here who would love to listen.

Thinking of you today!

Oh Diana~

I wish I could be there with you right now. I can relate to what you are talking about~the whole thing. The "loving again" and the "what if's". That is what held me back from getting married again and its what scared me. It wasn't Todd, it was me. But, then we were watching a movie and someone said "Its better to have loved and lived, than not to have never loved." (or something like that) That's what turned me around.:love Now we are expecting a baby~it feels like this child is completing our family and it represents Hope, Love & Faith.

The memories are getting fuzzy for me too, as well for Dane. I have tried to keep a journal of ALL my memories of Rob. I also have tried to write down Dane's memories of him too. When he grows older, I want to write them all down for him in a special journal book, so that he can remember his dad. Its so hard to keep their memory alive, but not push it on them~its a difficult balance, one I'm still struggling with. We also hit the Rob's been gone 1/2 of Dane's life too. Its so hard to believe.

But, I have always admired you. Your sense of wit, the healing journey you have been on, your signature lines (I always get such a big kick out of them:LOL) and your support you give to others. I know these words will not heal the deep ache you have right now, but just know that I recognize these things in you and am holding you right now. I'm not going to lie, but days like these will always be difficult, but maybe as time goes by, they won't be as deeply painful.

Much Love & Healing~

Lisa:hug

I'm so sorry hahamommy--you and your little ones are in my thoughts :hug :hug :hug.

I'm so sorry. Lots of cyber-hugs to you.

hahamommy-

Sending lots of love and cyber-support your way....:hug

-Deirdre

I lost my first dh at 21 and was left with a 2year old to raise. IT was devasting, but your heart will heal someday.

I didnt get married again until I was 38, to the most incredible man. I didnt think I would ever have another child, for the same reasons you stated, that this could happen again. Its been 23 years since my first dh died, and you know, there still is a little fear about that. But after we were married 5 years, we decided to have a child, my dhs first. I knew he'd be a great dad and he is amazing. To think I wouldve deprived him of that. And to have a family, the three of us, its more than I can wrap my arms around! I wouldnt have missed it for the world.

Keep talking about your dh. I recently put a photo album together and it was really healing. And time does make it hurt less and less. I still have a scar on my heart, but its not bleeding.........

Wow! Thanks mommies!! :heartbeat :heartbeat :heartbeat
Just thought I should let you know how I've been progressing with this issue this week.... On our anniversary, I received the most amazing gift from DH ~ I get to move from our tiny two bedroom apartment to a three bedroom HOUSE, for less money! Thanks Mitch :angel
MIL has arrived, and brought her boooooyfriend ;) Theirs is the most enduring, wonderful story... When they met, he asked her out, but she said no, often! He then met, fell in love with, and married her best friend. All were friends for over 35 years. When Yolanda (the bestfriend/wife) was dying 4 years ago, she looked at her husband and said, "Leave Armida (my MIL) alone!" and died soon after :) He then proceeded to sit in his chair for most of the next few *years*, mouring or as he says "waiting for Armida." So he shows up at her church, joins the choir, takes her *and her mother* out for lunch, comes by to do odd jobs 'round gramma's house, etc, etc. *FINALLY* after 40 years, she agrees to a date! (She has now learned "nothing says 'I'm alive' like a good orgasm" :LOL) They are so in love it just inspires me! (though I don't want to wait til I'm 60, it *does* seem worth the wait!!) Imagine teenagers in grownup bodies... they do the *cow-eye* thing at each other, they're always touching and it's all about the "yes, dear!" His presence has truly made it easier for the two of us to be together. On Thursday, we toasted "The day your son welcomed his son into this world" and yeah, we cried, but it was good healthy tears. And I knew she would have someone to comfort her, should she need it. :love

Luckily, I'm back on track to being "diana" again... Til the first week of December ~ mark you calendars!! I'm hosting my own pity party :rotflmao

Diana~

Its good to hear from you. Thanks for sharing such a sweet love story. It does give you hope doesn't it??? And BTW~We will ALL be here for you in December (and in the months in between!!!)

We Luv Ya~

Lisa:hug

hahamommy, biggest warmest hugs for you.

its good to hear your healing slowly but surely, and i will certainly be at your pity party, thats my favorite kind. :)