Calling all C-Birth ONLY mamas! [Archive] - MotheringDotCommune Forums

TreeLove

08-22-2002, 07:25 PM

Cool! I thought I might be flamed right outta here! :eek

I had all 3 of my boys by c-birth. My twins were born by classical c-birth at 29 weeks. My water broke at 25 weeks so I feel really good that I was able to hold on to them for 4 weeks without meds or any major interventions. They spent 72 and 84 days in NICU.
I had my 3rd baby by planned c-birth due to the 1st time being a classical. We are hoping to TTC next year. I had found a very controversial midwife to support me in a HBAC, but I actually have a classical and a transverse cut. Also-when I'm pg-just about anything that can go wrong usually does! So a HBACC (extra c for classical) is just too risky in my eyes. I don't think I could labor without fear.

I was hoping to start this thread so we could discuss our thoughts, expiriences, etc re: our very different way of birth. It's so hard to fit into the AP world when you have had a very medical beginning and in my case ALL THREE of my boys were unable to nurse although I tried for months and in one case a year and a half!

I want to hear what YOU think.

How did you come to terms w/ your c-birth?
Have you made peace with it? If yes, then how?
How was your recovery?
How did it affect your bonding? self esteem?
What is the most important thing you have learned/gained from you expirience?

OR....just talk about anything re:c-births here. :love :hippie :love

ladylee

08-22-2002, 08:59 PM

No flaming here, Treelove.

How did you come to terms w/ your c-birth?

I'm able to process things very well. I came to terms with the majority of it the moment I found out it was necessary. I wanted to be as empowered as possible throughout the procedure, so I put aside any disappointment in order to be fully present, knowing I would come back to the feelings later. After the birth, as things came up I allowed myself to feel angry, sad, grief, and then let go. I'm not one to blame people, especially myself, so I think it was a fairly clean and quick coming to terms.

Have you made peace with it? If yes, then how?

I'm sure I have mostly made peace with it. Things come up, that's part of the process. I made peace by accepting it.

How was your recovery?

I'm lucky that recovery was ok--I had problems with my incision and that was a drag, but it actually made me take care of myself even better. I learned to ask for help from my mother and DH, which is some thing I probably wouldn't have done.

How did it affect your bonding? self esteem?

Bonding was a challenge, and I let it be that way. I needed to take care of myself first & just had to trust that she would be ok and I'd make it up to her. Once I came out of anesthesia I really only could focus on myself. But she slept with me during those three days in the hospital and we both learned to breastfeed fairly well, and our bonding took its own time. In terms of self esteem--well, it was an opportunity to boost my internal sense of self esteem when I encountered people with the belief that I hadn't really gone through childbirth. I never felt "less than" because I had an abdominal delivery.

What is the most important thing you have learned/gained from you expirience?

Forgiveness. I had to forgive the midwive and myself.

Very thoughtful questions, Treelove-thank you.

rwikene

08-22-2002, 09:12 PM

I still haven't been able to come to terms with my section. My dd is 9 1/2 mo old now. I really wanted a natural birth, and feel like I failed:crying Luckily I had the support of my family, they all reassured me that I did the right thing.

I was in labor for 43 hours and hadn't slept at all, I was not able to handle the pain any longer, plus my blood pressure went up, so we transferred to the hospital (1/2 hour drive:eek ) I got an epidural (it was waiting for me:) ) When I went in I was only 5 cm dialated and it had been 37 hours. I was exhausted. I did dialate the whole way, but after trying to push for about 20 min, the doc and the midwife suggested a section....

My midwife was in a hurry to get to her son's sporting event, so she wanted what would be quickest, they diagnosed me with CPD...but my baby was only 7 11...so I know that wasn't right. I felt very rushed.....

Next time I hope for a VBAC homebirth, but we'll see

About being able to breastfeed, the hospital was good about that...DH stayed with DD while they stitched me up, and then he was waiting in the recovery room with her when I got there. I called the nurse and told her I wanted to BF right away, she tried to help DD latch on, we had some problems in the beginning. I think it was due to the fact that I couldn't stay awake b/c I was sooooo drugged up. :bouncy

But everything worked out.

Rachel

Mayalove

08-23-2002, 04:39 AM

Can you believe it took me 22 months to finally find a community around this? I didn't think I needed you guys until I found you (too bad there isn't an icon that can express deep gratitude!).

I was definitely feeling like a failure, esp with so many friends who had these dreamy births, including some home births with a full moon and fairies dancing, and mine went so terribly south. Long story short: 2 weeks overdue, induced, maxed on pitocin, no progress, broke my water, hard labor, wanted the drugs and they didn't work!, got an infection from being overchecked, ran a fever, baby went posterior, we are now on day 3 at the hospital on chicken broth and Jello (which isn't real food and I gave to my husband), emergency c-section, but remember the drugs didn't work, so general anesthesia that resulted in my abs getting cut because they couldn't get them out of the way, then three months of haze and fogginess from painkillers and so on. I didn't have that first moment with my daughter, that eye-to-eye first connection, that recognition. When I first opened my eyes I was too doped up to do more than glance at my husband (who was skin-to-skin with her) and fall back asleep.

My daughter is healthy and happy and just amazing, and I am healthy and alive and able to have more children, and of course that should be enough but we all know it isn't, at least not yet. So I am very grateful to know you're all out there -- I've been avoiding reading birth stories in depth and have put on the brave front etc., but the truth is I'm scared to have another child because I don't want another c-section and I'm scared to hope for a VBAC/HBAC. I'm scared to hope for something again. And I'm scared about ruptures and all the what is scenarios (which is what got me into this place the first time). And I'm also a little irritated with all of my well-meaning friends who try to help pinpoint why things went bad with my birth or how it can be better the next time around (if I get asked about VBAC's one more time ...) or what they did right. I know I'm projecting some of this, but some of it is just plain annoying, too!

Thanks for letting me share, I look forward to hearing more from all of you and growing and healing together.

TreeLove

08-23-2002, 06:29 AM

WELCOME Mayalove!

What a wild ride you've had!

I relate to your post in so many ways. I don't like to hear regular ol' birth stories-'cause I can't relate to 'em. I LOVE hearing preemie stories or c-birth stories cause I feel more in the "norm" there.

I agree that there's more to welcoming a c-birth than just a healthy baby. C-births can make some of us feel robbed. Some are quick to get over it, some are not. My oldest are 4.5 and I still have days that I mourn our troubled beginning.

I also get sick of hearing-a healthy babe is *all* that matters-(altho that is the most important) THAT'S NOT ALL THAT MATTERS!!! I MATTER!!! WHAT I WANTED AND WORKED FOR AND PRAYED FOR AND PREPARED FOR AND HOPED FOR MATTERS!!!

I also feel like I have to justify or explain all the reasons why we had a c-birth, why we had NO other options, why we were unable to breastfeed, how long and hard I tried so "they" don't think of me as "one of those *icky* mainstream moms."

I think my c-births have really messed me up psychologically, but I think the death of my children, had I not consented to the c-births, would have done a LOT more damage....

ladylee

08-23-2002, 11:12 AM

Something I've encountered that I get a little testy about is when people make the assumption that after my birth experience it would be rectified somehow by my having a VBAC the next time around. I know this is the case for many people, but I feel differently--it's just not that big of an issue with me. If I get pg again & have a VBAC, ok. If not, ok too :LOL. I just find it interesting when some people want to project their feelings and impressions on you, when they have no idea how I feel about my experience.

festivus1

08-23-2002, 12:14 PM

also feel like I have to justify or explain all the reasons why we had a c-birth, why we had NO other options, why we were unable to breastfeed, how long and hard I tried so "they" don't think of me as "one of those *icky* mainstream moms."

AMEN, sistah!!!!

Background: I worked in early intervention with 2 families whose babies had brain damage - severe brain damage - as the result of negligent care during thier labor and deliveries. Both women should have had c-sections, but were not given them after many, many, many hours in labor. As a result, their children have been permanently affected. One child had to have half of his brain removed at age 1 due to near constant seziures. The other child will probably never walk. They both have vision impairments and delays in all areas of development.

So, my first pregnancy was high risk. I have a bicornuate uterus (not completely septated, but heart shaped at the top) which put me more at risk for late miscarriage or early labor. I made it all the way to 40 weeks after 3 months on bedrest and my doc decided to induce b/c my son was already 9 lbs. 5 oz. and we didn't know how my uterus might "perform" (?) if he got any bigger.

Long story short - labor did not progress, he was presenting face first, heart rate began to drop during contractions, so we went to c-section. I actually told them, "If there is any chance something could affect the baby - I want a c-section. I know two kids that have severe disabilities that may have been prevented had the moms been given one!!!" This was after we knew the heart rate was dropping, about the presentation, etc. The doc was already going to do it - but I sure didn't resist.

I did not have that much trouble after the c-section. I mean, the recovery was a pain, but emotionally I really felt like I knew what these families I worked with were facing for the rest of their lives and I was grateful to have been able to avoid that possibility. I know part of me felt a little "less than" women who had vaginal births, but that was b/c of the things I had heard them say!!!

Second baby: placenta began to detach at 35 weeks and my water broke. Emergency c-section right away. Again, would rather that than a hurt or injured baby.

I do feel like the c-sections (and the slight prematurity w/ #2) interfered with breastfeeding. I had two very sleepy boys at the breast in the beginning. We made it through the problems with #1 and bf until 10 mos. and then with #2 stuck it out for about 5 or 6 weeks and that was it.

And I didn't get to have that "immediately after birth" holding, bonding and breastfeeding time. I got to see them and touch them, but then I was being sewed up, etc. I did room in with both kids, though, and got to see each about an hour after the surgery.

I know I had some issues with not being able to experience a vaginal birth, but I guess seeing firsthand children whose moms should have had them and didn't - and what devastating results arose... kind of put it in perspective for me.

ladylee

08-23-2002, 12:17 PM

Absolutely. I remember one time I was over at birthlove and someone had to audacity to insinuate that our situation wasn't really an emergency. :jaw

festivus1

08-23-2002, 12:20 PM

Well, things such as this, and remarks I hear about those of us who were unable to keep breastfeeding, have made me learn a lot about not judging someone else until I know their entire situation. These kinds of things really open my eyes. I still get hurt by some of those types of comments, but it does spur me on to be less judgemental - particularly about parenting.

Mayalove

08-23-2002, 03:10 PM

Well, after posting my message and writing some notes, it was definitely the early a.m. (3:00'ish). I went to bed and when I saw my husband, woke him up and started talking. My daughter was asleep next to me. I told him about coming online and finally being able to particpate in this great forum for ME, and women like me, and the tears just started coming. He has been awesome, and for him, he was so relieved and grateful that we were alive (when we went into surgery it was the scariest thing for him -- remember we had camped out already for 3 days and his energy pretty much matched mine -- and then it up leveled to the general anesthesia, which meant he got kicked out of the room) that it erased everything else for him (expectations of the perfect birth, etc.). But for me, on the other side of it, living/dying was never the issue for either my dd or me, so all I could stew on was how I felt as if I had LOST something (but what?). So I cried deeply about it, and he held me, and then I felt Maya's sleepy hands on my back, carressing me. She was still asleep but was carressing me. It was beautiful. This is really important for me to share because, for a lot of different reasons that don't directly include any of this, our marriage has been stressful this past year.

BUT, as you said treelove, it's not really about the baby, though I don't ever want to take for granted how lucky I am to still have her. I know that. But that's not complete. I used to say (Ms Brave Front), "Oh, I had to go unconscious to get conscious," and that was totally true, but I was also hiding and justifiying the rest of the experience. I am sick of being apologetic for how my birth went, for admitting that maybe we could have made different choices (like not have a hospital birth -- how many times have I heard that one -- but we had just moved to HI two months before and I just wasn't that savvy or confident), and yeah, hey you can have a VBAC next time round! I realized last night I was too scaredd to wish or admit that (esp since I'd really like an HBAC - home birth) in case it doesn't happen. Truth is, I do NOT want to go through a c-section again, even if the drugs work this time and I stay conscious. I don't want any of that, it was totally traumatic for me and I am still dealing with it. There, I said it.

So I've been all self-righteous lately about not wanting more kids and I can see on everyone's face it's because they think my birth experience was so bad so then try to reassure me which pisses me off even more and then makes me find even more reasons not to want to have kids when really, it is in great part to the fact that my birth experience WAS bad. So, I am going to practice saying, "You know, you're right. My birth experience was deeply traumatic and I'm still dealing with it. I am really grateful to have Maya but I lost four months of my life [in recovery] where I have almost no memory, including first seeing Maya. I don't think I could go through that again. And I would really appreicate it if you would not assume that it could have been different, because I'm already spending all of my energy in that place, and you don't really know. VBAC or not, if you can't guarantee the outcome one way or another, then you don't have a say, so thanks for sharing." OK, something like that.

I have been reading the forums here and in other places, and I am going to say my truth: I want to have another birth experience, and I want to have a HBAC, and if I end up with a c-section again, while I'll make it through and still have a great time with my child as I am with Maya right now, it will still be a huge disappointment for me. I can lie and say it's ok, but it's really not, even though I know I'll get through and I'll have more tools and resources to deal with it than the last time. I do *get* that I had a paticular experience for a reason. I also acknowledge that I may have to have a c-section again if I decide to have another child. I also acknowledge a c-section may have saved my life, though in my case, I think put it more at risk (I've seen my hospital records) and so was Maya. But, gosh, it would mean a lot to me to have a beautiful birth at home with my husband and daughter (and midwife) attending. Girls, here's what I do know -- speaking our truth is so important, it's like breathing. It's not about getting what we want, it's about saying what we want, and not holding back. If I don't get the HBAC or the VBAC, it will definitely be less than ideal, but I'll know I honored and acknowledged my deepest wish. At that point, I'll turn it over. But not until I own it. Make sense?

Blessings to all of you for being there and helping me shift A LOT in less than 24 hours. I think my soul was ready for this. Love you all,

D

zombiemommie

08-24-2002, 05:34 AM

Well, I don't have time to reply-reply but I want to join the discussion after we get back on Monday from visiting family (i really have to pack - don't know what I am doing on here it is SUCKING me in at 7 am EST LOL)

Anyway, I had csection for failed induction (and I mean FAILED - no contraction ever after 20 hours of cervidil, max pit, cervidil, 2 epidurals for painful exams due to cervidil slipping and swellign my vagina - lovely feeling) - induction for pre-eclampsia at 38 weeks, ds was up high and definately not ready to go and never dropped AT ALL so they wound up vacuuming him out of my uterus anyway - except via the csection. I worked as an ICU trauma nurse until 36 weeks, full time night shift, including stretcher transport and CPR and was very "cavaleir" about my whole preg, wishing for "natural birth" but doing nothing to exercise, eat well or anything of the like. I feel in some ways like I failed myself for not caring (I mean I cared but I was really busy and I guess kind of know it all, but now looking back it was really know-NOTHING LOL) and trusting too much the medical profession.

I do not feel that I missed bonding or anythgin of that ilk, that I am less than somebody who birthed vaginally, but I felt like crap for days after with fevers to 104 (no infection, just hormones) my milk didn't come in until day SIX (he is still nursing at 25 months and I am also 16 weeks preggo) and I feel like I just was a sheep being led to a csection. The whole induction SUCKED and I wish they would have just done the csection instead of torturing the crap out of me for a whole day, puking and whatnot, it was really terrible.

Anyway, I DO want to have a VBAC with this birth, primarily because I do not want to be separated from my little love (ds 25 months now) and I do not want to be cut open again because it hurt like hell and I hated being sick. I know I have a chance of c-section for various reasons like postmaturity (I am going to CNM and will have a hospital birth but they will not induce and I will not allow induction either) or if I have pre-eclampsia there is NO WAY I am getting any Magnesium ever again they can do a csection for that and I also have a history of genital herpes which is totally not active and hasn't been for over 10 years but you never know and I know that is a possibility as well. But I accept that. But I am still afraid. I don't want to have to fight for my VBAC, and I want a healthy baby. I also don't want people telling me what to do because it is what the policies or procedures are, and I am going fully armed and educated to the best I can be this time, taking my vitamins, not working, trying to have a positive experience (i was such a bitch last time) eating well and exercising so if I have to have a c, I know I HAD to have a c, not because I just did what they told me. KWIM ?

Anyway - I do lie, because this is pretty long, and I must go but I think we all share a "bond" from this experience no matter how your experience went.

Thanks for starting this thread.

emmaline

08-24-2002, 06:40 PM

hi everyone! I'd like to join in too

I have two boys, 11 and 4, both c-births

How did you come to terms w/ your c-birth?

both times I got to have a beautiful baby, that was the important thing to me, though I was disappointed at first - I know I did my best for my kids and myself in our own circumstances - I don't mean that my hopes etc did not matter, they mattered less than having my kids in my life, and for me there are way worse things than a c-birth

Have you made peace with it? If yes, then how?

see above!

How was your recovery?

first time it was very swift recovery, I felt fantastic after a hard pregnancy and was just so delighted after 2 miscarriages to finally have a child

second time I was older, had a hideous failed epidural (took 45 mins to get it in situ then it only numbed my skin so the birth part - where my dear ob had a lot of trouble unwedgeing my son from my pelvis where he was well stuck - was very painful) and developed a shocking UTI and mastitis postop, was in hospital for 10 days, it was totally cr@p

How did it affect your bonding? self esteem?

no blows to bonding or selfesteem whatsoever

What is the most important thing you have learned/gained from you expirience?

I'm a mother regardless of how I got to be one. I wish it had been the "normal" way but I did my best - probably akin to how I feel about my first son weaning at 12 months - it would have been much better for both of us to go on but it wasn't going to happen so we picked up and moved on

when I was pregnant earlier this year I was once again reading up on VBAC but I wouldn't have been horrified to have another c-birth (though NO ONE will ever go near my back with epidural needles again)

I feel for those of you who are still obviously in distress from your birthing experiences, they are such emotionally loaded times and strong feelings are so appropriate

Treelove thanks for opening a space for sharing our c-birth stories

:grouphug

Pynki

08-24-2002, 09:32 PM

i had a c section with our 1st.. .I went in with a migraine and came out with a baby... I think that i was probably a bit preenclampic because of the amount of watter i war retaining and the headaches and just about everything else but the high blood pressure... So i wen tin with a migraine at 37 weeks and came out with a baby.... For me the c-section was terrible... They wouldn't let my hubby call anyone and tell that what was happening and i did have an epidural and I was concious the whole time... The obgyn that did the c section said after words that the reason for it was because my uterus was heart shaped so it wasn't big enough near the bottom... (They didn't tell me that other stuff though!!!!:jaw :jaw :jaw

So i guess ds couldn't turn the right way.. (he was breach that was the reason for the c setion and they couldn't turn him... THey tried for an hour... VERY PAINFULL!!!

That said when we did get pg again i was all for a repeat even thoug the recovery for me was terrible and it took forever, but the c section was all i knew...

With ds 2 we did have a vbac, but he was too big to come out and after pushing for over 3 hours close to 4 i didn't have it in me to push any more... So they used forceps and he had a broken collar bone... If i had know that would happen i would have just gone with the repeat c section.. .I have to say the recovery was better for me though...

DS was soo crabby for the 1st year of his life and i do wonder if it had to do with how much pain he must have been in from that broken collar bone being pulled out a place he was just to big for....

Warm Squishy feelings for everyone....

Hope i wasn't interrupting..

mmace

08-27-2002, 12:52 PM

My kids are 8 and 4 and I am pregnant again. My daughter was an emergency c-section because her umbilical cord prolapsed - in case anyone does not know, that means the umbilical cord entered teh birth canal before her head, so every contraction pressed her head against the cord, cutting off her oxygen supply.

How did you come to terms w/ your c-birth? For me it was very easy - the choice was a c-section or a dead baby, not a hard choice.

Have you made peace with it? If yes, then how? Again, it was easy for me, I had a healthy baby, and to me that was all that really mattered.

How was your recovery? Both of my recoveries went well, my second was actually easier than my first.

How did it affect your bonding? self esteem? No problems with either.

What is the most important thing you have learned/gained from you expirience? That I am just as much a mother as any woman who has had a vaginal delivery - and that I can be proud that I made the right decision for the health of my baby.

dipmama

08-27-2002, 07:01 PM

How did you come to terms w/ your c-birth? Have you made peace with it? If yes, then how?

I have had both of my kids via C-section. The first time around it was unplanned, basically I had a very long, putzy labour. Got to 7 cm in the 1st 12 hours and then STAYED there for the next 25. I had back labour (horrific, and the whirlpool was BROKEN!!!). I was disappointed, yes, but it did not devastate me. I am a pragmatist by nature, I was prepared to do whatever needed to be done. Also, I had a great midwife who was very supportive, I felt that I was doing it for the right reasons for me and that I was not giving up. I think that what helped me reconcile things was being able to breastfeed. The incision certainly made it difficult to get a comfy position, and I was zonked out for the first 12 hours or so after the birth...the nurses on the ward gave her a bottle, I am convinced she got nipple confusion, we couldn't get a good latch for a couple of weeks. In the meanwhile, she was losing weight, crystals in her urine. I was really stressed. We were getting ready at the same time to move back to India, and I absolutely HAD to make breastfeeding work, there was no way I was going to mix formula with New Delhi tap water, boiled or not! With the help, encouragement, and persistence of my midwife and an excellent lactation consultant I was able to finally breastfeed her, and did so until she self-weaned at 14 months. I climbed mountains to breastfeed her, and this really helped me feel better about not having birthed the "natural" way.

With #2 I tried for a VBAC, knowing full well that my chances for having another C-section were significant. Again, I laboured for 30 hours, back labour, and got stuck again, this time at 5 cm. Sigh. I didn't want to have my labour augmented with Pitocin, my midwife agreed that this was a good call due to my previous section. The pragmatist in me kicked in again, faster this time, and after 32 hours labouring I had Sam via C-section. I felt great, that we'd made a good call.

How did it affect your bonding? self esteem? 

Bonding was not an issue at all. I was able to hold and nurse both of my babies within minutes of the birth. I did feel a bit lousy about myself the first time around, I really hadn't prepared myself for the possibility of a section. I felt guilty that maybe if I'd been in better shape my body would have been better prepared for the endurance test of a long labour.

What is the most important thing you have learned/gained from you expirience? 

What has really sunk in for me is that no matter what kind of labour I had, I know I personally did my best, I did great. Plus of course I had my two beautiful babies. Also, I know how strong my body indeed is, having recovered from 2 C-sections, the second one with an active 18 month toddler in tow. Also, I really believe it is critical to trust and have confidence in your midwife/doctor.

oceanmommy

08-30-2002, 12:06 PM

I haven't visited this thread for awhile. I have tears in my eyes. I am glad we can all share here together :grouphug

How did you come to terms w/ your c-birth?

Through time, much discussion, much thought, many tears.

Have you made peace with it? If yes, then how?
Yes, by allowing myself to accept that we made the best decisions we could, and knowing I would do the same again, I wouldn't change a thing.

How was your recovery?
Mostly not too bad, a few weeks, but I still have the CS "shelf" tummy :(

How did it affect your bonding? self esteem?

We bonded well, although in the early days I swear she liked Dh more (He was there while they stitched me up; they had that magic time alone together). I did get to BF about 1/2 hr after birth, but we had MASSIVe BF problems, and sleepy baby problems I think may well have to do with the CSB.

Self esteem ? blown to pieces over having to transport from my peaceful homebirth scene to the hospital for emergency CS. Blown further to pieces by the difficulties BFing.

Thank goodness we were able to BF successfully; that has been very healing.

What is the most important thing you have learned/gained from you expirience?

This is a biggie !; Don't judge other people, especially not based upon what you see/think you know about them. I am sure there are people in my homebirth/friend/playgroup circle who think I whimped out on our birth. Thy don't know what really happened that day/night/day. I don't know why mommy xyz is feeding with a bottle, so I just assume she is a mommy loving her babe as best she can. Period.

Good thread....sometimes I don't know where I "fit in" here as far as my birth experience goes... somewhat homebirth, somewhat hospital, CSB, but not VBAC...maybe we need our own space ? A Cesarean Section Birth Forum ? Anyone ? Is there enough interest ?

Robyn

08-30-2002, 09:02 PM

I had a very positive c/s experiance. My son was breech I so I was scheduled to have a c/s on my due date. I'm such a chicken when I comes to pain and I couldn't imagine being operated on awake so I choice general anesthisa. The only thing I was feeling sad about was missing the first seconds of my babies life. The operating room didn't allow cam corders so my dad who is a private investigator and is used to hiding small cameras to bust people, rigged my hubby up and he hid a camera on him so I can have a video of my sons birth. Before I was even put out, I told my husband to stay with the baby the whole time and not to let him out of his site untill I wake up.....and he did. I woke up and my husband was in the recovery room with the baby next to me. I also felt fortunant enough that I lifted weights and walked 2 miles a day through out my pregnancy because I helped me have a speedy recovery.
Robyn

rwikene

08-31-2002, 10:28 AM

I think I am just now coming to grips with my section....my dd was born almost 10 mo ago.

I had a good conversation with my mom about the whole thing, she was there from the beginning of labor until after the delivery. My CS wasn't a complete emergency, but at the time it felt unavoidable....I was diagnosed with CPD, althought my baby was only 7 11 at birth, but when she was delivered they had to have another doctor to come in just to push her head through the birth canal, and when she finally came through they heard a "pop" from the suction. I guess she was in there pretty tight....

Anyway, my mom said "you know God is always looking out for us, and even though you didn't have to be *rushed* into the operating room, maybe you went in before some really big problems happened. Why would you have wanted to wait until it became such an emergency by putting your daughter through so much more stress, your body was tired and so was your baby."

Now reading that sounds like such a cop out, but it helps me come to terms with the whole thing.

So here is my question to you ladies.....Am I or would I be less of a mom because I had an epidural? I feel like here on MDC that people view me as such (not me in peticular but all moms who ended up not *natural*) I went through Bradley classes, and I understand and agree with the natural process of birth. But with my next child I am not sure if I want to birth at home or in the hospital with medication close by. I had a long labor (43 hours) and for the most part the pain was fine (until the last 5 hours or so) but I am so scared to go through it again.

Part of me feels like a huge wimp for even thinking of an epidural, and the other part of me feels that it is so wonderful that they have medication available if you are in such pain, why suffer?

Any of you feel that way?

Rachel

Robyn

08-31-2002, 11:15 AM

Am I or would I be less of a mom because I had an epidural?
------------------------------------------------

The way you give birth doesn't mean your going to be less of a mom. There or many moms who give natural birth and who turn out to be horrible moms and then there are moms who have kids with epidurals that are great. Now, it's a fact that babies born with no meds are usually more allert when they are born, but if you absolutly cannot handle it, then I feel it might be a little tramatic on a baby. I say that because when my sister had her first baby in '86, the doctor didn't believe in pain meds and she screamed the whole time and started hitting people.....she completly lost it. My sister is really small (4'11") and the baby weight 10 pounds! she tore so bad......she should've had something.

rwikene

08-31-2002, 11:18 AM

See, I understand that babies born without pain meds are more alert....but my dd was wide awake all night after she was born at 1:30 pm....even with a CS....so I can't imagine what she would have been like without the meds to make her *fully awake*;) :eek

Rachel

Robyn

08-31-2002, 11:24 AM

My baby was awake all night too and very alert. Did you have general anethisa (sp)? I did. If you have general, then they have to have the baby out within 7 mins so the baby doesn't get any of the meds.

rwikene

09-02-2002, 12:39 AM

Nope, I had an epidural...and some other meds (don't really know what they were)....

But DD was out in 10 min, I had no idea about the time limits for CS babies....hmmmm

Robyn

09-02-2002, 09:38 AM

Oh, it's only a time limit on general anesthesia. I guess it's just too powerful and it takes 7 mins. to reach the baby so they need to have the baby out fast.

elismom

09-04-2002, 02:01 PM

Treelove--thanks for this thread! I had a true emergency c-birth (outer incision--classic, inner incision--transverse) with my now 15-month old ds. Long story short, I was about 12 hours into labor (12 days post due date), had been fine the day before, but went in to see midwives (supposed to deliver at free-standing birth center), and he was having decels and I was all of a sudden pre-eclamptic, so had to go to hospital. They broke my H2O when I got there since his decels were so bad, and I had fresh meconium, next thing you know they are rushing me into operating room, DH was not allowed (why aren't they allowed w/general anest?), they gave me general, and saved me and my baby. He had apgar of 1, then 6 or something, and was in NICU for a week after breathing in and swallowing meconium. (what a strong strong boy, after all that, he was only on oxygen for about 12 hours, the rest of the time in the NICU was their paranoia to make sure everything was ok, waiting two days for tests to come back etc, etc).

Anyway, one thing I wanted to say for now about all this: My doula (who didn't make it there in time, no fault of her own), heard all the details, and sent me this email after he was born saying that she wanted me to know that I had made all the right decisions and not to feel bad about any of them, blah blah blah. What decisions? She seemed to be implying to me that there were other decisions to be made (other than a c/s). She was this real militant natural birth woman, I think bc she had had 3 c/s herself??!! Anyway, I was really offended at her implication that I had choices and could have still gone for a vaginal birth? Um, we might both be dead if they hadn't done what they did when they did it, I really believe that. Anyway, that's just my rant for now.

Also, my c/s really messed w/nursing. It's another long story, but end result was after 2 months of hell trying, I never got enough milk to keep him from falling asleep, tried ALL the tricks, etc, and finally had to give up to keep my sanity. Tried to pump after that, but 2 ounces a day for 4 times pumping, half hour each, did not seem worth it.

If we decide to have another, I honestly believe that I might be happier with a *scheduled* c/s than trying for vaginal and then having another emergency. Because the emergency was what really did me in, both emotionally and physically. The vertical cut on my abs made it too painful for me to even lift my baby for a month!!! I had to have other people bring him to me. It was horrible and the recovery was slooooow!!!

mamasarah

09-05-2002, 03:56 PM

i just want to say thank you to all of you---

reading your posts has just helped me deal with some of the greif i have had since my very unwanted c-sec.

5 weeks ago, i had my first baby...i was very healthy, doing yoga every day thru pregnancy, preparing in every way i could for a natural birth at the hospital with a midwife. i made it through 10 hrs labor before having the section. my body and dd's position (face-up) were not working together and she had passed a lot of meconium in the water. i was pushing b/ c i felt the urge but i made my cervix swell and close back to about 5 cm. this is when my midwife said c-sec. i really trusted my midwife and knew she would not suggest it if she wasn't worried.

i have many friends who have had the dream birth i wanted, and sometimes i get the feeling from people that they think i could have avoided the whole thing by having a homebirth or making different decisions. i am having a lot of trouble coming to terms with the fact that i didn't see her being born and i didn't get to hold her immediately, she was sleepy, etc., so i have a lot of guilt and others' opinions are affecting me right now. but this i do know--i would rather have my healthy baby than have said, i went through twenty some hours of labor, had her naturally(or by then an epidurall???) and she had all sorts of problems b/c of the meconium or whatever.

i am really considering never having any more children b/c of this whole experience, mostly b/c i'm afraid theh same thing would happen or worse.

it is amazing to me to hear how strong you all sound and how you've dealt with it. i am so inspired now to really accept the birth and just be thankful for my 8 lb, 6 oz, 22 in long, amazingly beautiful and healthy daughter. maybe now i will live by what i was saying in the recovery room when i was uninhibited by the morphine-spinal block i had.. " i did so good!!! i did it! she is so healthy ! i have never been so healthy in my life!":)

thank you and many blessings. i love it here :love

cdahlgrd

09-07-2002, 06:55 PM

I would like to join too!!

I had an emergency c-birth and am hoping to conceive again soon. I would like to vbac, but you just never know.

Thank you everyone for your wonderful stories and thoughts. I can feel the healing begin already.

Starling

09-07-2002, 08:37 PM

Thanks for starting this thread, TreeLove.

I just wanna add: In the pst 20 or so years, when C-section rates have increased dramatically, the rates of infant mortality have dramatically decreased. This reminds me that there are genuine medical indications for c-section. C-sections can and do save lives.

ladylee

09-07-2002, 09:42 PM

One of the things I felt robbed of were the high fives and slaps on the back from other women about my birth experience. Can we do that for each other here? Yeah, I think so!

I did a fantastic job! I was in labor for 8 hours drug-free, and used visualizations and meditation to cycle through the pain. I had an amazing attitude throughout the whole experience, joking and laughing to help myself through. When I found out she was breech and in distress & a c-section was necessary I totally reached deep inside and adjusted. It took a lot emotionally to do that! To reshape the disappointment into strength and positivity--well, it just took a lot of fortitude. I'm proud of how I accepted it and let go.

That felt great. Thank you!

MamaOui

09-08-2002, 05:52 AM

=============================================

LEmama

09-08-2002, 02:39 PM

Okay...I'll take a leap...I have had a vaginal delivery (my first ds), but can now only give birth by c-section. Can I join in?

My second son was born ill at 33 weeks via emergency c-section. The doctor had to use a T-shaped uterine incision to deliver him quickly. There was no coming to terms, disappointment or fear for myself - I just wanted him to get better. Sadly, he didn't, and my recovery was very hard - painful and exhausting. Ds1 was 2 3/4 yrs. old at the time and a great comfort to me. Because of the T incision/scar, my uterus is more prone to rupture during labor. My midwives and doctor reccomended that any future births be c-section.

Our third ds was born by a planned c-section, with a midwife supporting us during the delivery. I had alot of apprehension during the pregnancy and was scared that something would go wrong during the delivery. But his birth was wonderful! I had a birth plan, and we all worked together to make it positive experience. Our joy and relief was so overwhelming! My recovery was much easier, although I needed so much rest (much more than to recover from a vaginal birth.)

It was affirming for me to read about other moms who have had mutiple c-sections, as we might like to have another child. Thanks mamas, for letting me share. Sometimes it just feels good to 'talk' about it, doesn't it? :lady

MamaOui

09-08-2002, 04:16 PM

========================================

emmaline

09-08-2002, 05:16 PM

Dear Kerry

I read yr post with great interest because it is easy to presume that a VBAC must be better than a repeat c-birth but your experience shows that the sense of positive or otherwise relates more to who was there and how you were supported

so I'm glad you shared yr story

editted to add:

Dear Lee

you are absolutely right - high fives and backslapping here too!! we all did a damn fine job and birthed wonderful babies

:love

e:down

ladylee

09-08-2002, 06:26 PM

Thank you, kerry and emmaline (love that name)--high fives back atcha!

ragdoll

09-09-2002, 08:12 AM

GREETINGS!
First of all I'd like to say thank you for starting this thread.

I've got tears flowing down my cheeks......I feel so much heartache and am filled with so much pride. For all of us.

My son was born via emergency c-section after laboring a wonderful 24 hours at home (had planned a home birth from the start) my midwife noticed babies heartbeat droppin during a major contraction...........threw me and dh in her van and transported me (1 1/2 hour ride- i was in hell) to the hospital. To find out that my cervix was actually swelling SHUT. when they opened me up they found a huge fibroid tumor behind my cervix!
( I had 3 ultrasounds:confused: )Also my placenta was in the way AND the cord was around ds neck.......GEEZE!
He is waking from his nap, more later,
Tamara

oceanmommy

09-10-2002, 01:19 PM

Lee and others indeed high 5's all around. We did awesome. Yeah, I too felt robbed, never got to tell our birth story to the group at the MW's like everyone else. I guess it isn't the kind of story you want expectant parents to hear?

And my friends, mostly homebirthers (which we were supposed to be too) , well, I just think they don't know what to say, so they don't say anything.

Yeah we gotta support each other ! High 5's to you all :grouphug

mirlee

09-10-2002, 02:14 PM

Well, hey count me in.

I knew after many hours of labor that he was not coming out naturally. I didn't want meds and wanted to be natural. Well, I had the meds and the surgery. As it turns out, there was no way his head was getting through there. When I saw it, I couldn't believe it wouldn't fit, but the doctor, who is one who only does a C if absolutely neccessary, said there was no chance. I also had been in labor for quite some time and only dialated to 6.

I don't think it really matters how anyone delivers. Having a child is the imporant thing.

cdahlgrd

09-10-2002, 02:19 PM

oceanmommy, you said it; I really wanted to wear the home birth t-shirt and tell my story!! Instead I had an c-birth that was such a nightmare I try not to go into details with first-time preggo's.

Perhaps I should say with pride,"There were problems and we made the best choice in a tough situation, as all good parents do." I think I will. Thanks.

elismom

09-11-2002, 05:50 PM

I'll third (or 4th or whatever) the high fives all the way around! And that goes to all of us, whether we labored for 24 hours before the c/s or not at all!!! I know from experience that it takes a lot of strength and courage to go thru what we did, and certainly no LESS so than a vaginal birth (and as someone said, the recovery takes a lot more!).

oceanmommy

09-16-2002, 08:20 PM

cdahlgrdI think I know exactly what you mean (about the t-shirt); we had been given a beautiful newborn hat which said "born at home" on it.... that damn thing broke my heart every time I saw it till I gave it away. My biggest fear had been winding up at the hospital, in surgey (well, my second biggest fear, biggest fear was that dd was ok of course)... and my fear came true. And that hat, rubbed it in, over & over. :crying

Cathi

09-17-2002, 09:01 PM

I'm not that coordinated so I won't high-five everyone, but I will tell you all congratulations for giving birth. ;)

I had a csection with my ds who is now 15 months. It has been a long journey from that blessed day, most of which I am still dealing with even now. I started out trying to have a homebirth, but couldn't find a midwife that I clicked with. At 5 months pregnant I switched to a birth center who, although I didn't know it at the time, were really mEdwives. Long leisurely appointments came and went and soon I wasn't even comfortable talking to them so I began rushing in and out of there. But that didn't bother them. Long story short I had prodromal labor for three days, my waters broke spontaneously at home, I labored at the birth center for 14 hours (3 of which were pushing) and my occiput posterior son never descended. During the pushing phase the midwife called me by the wrong name. We decided to transfer to the hospital after that happened. The assistant midwife dropped me off at the front door of the hospital where I walked in myself at 10cm dliated carrying my own IV bag. After pitocin and an epidural the OB decided ds was not going to rotate nor descend. At 8am I had a beautiful baby boy and we were nursing by 8:30.

I didn't get my 3 day home visit. I didn't get invited to the May 2001 Babies party. I didn't get a phone call from either of my midwives. They didn't even bother to come to the hospital. At my 10 day visit one of them yelled at me for putting my newborn in cloth diapers because it wasn't dry enough for his umbilicus to heal. (I think everyone knows that you don't yell at a postpartum mother about the care of her newborn, right?)

:( :( :(

To this day I hate those midwives. I can't get over the way they MIStreated me and my labor/birth experience. People tell me to "get over it" and move on. I personally feel I have every right to be upset at my circumstances.

I wish I'd researched posterior presentation more. I wished I'd not sat in a car with bucket seats on my 2 hour commute every day. I wish I'd stopped working earlier so I could avoid elevated BP. I wish I'd spent countless hours on my hands and knees to turn my son before he was too big to turn. I wish he would have spontaneously turned in labor like the midwives said he would. (They never mentioned any ways to turn him, nor did they seem concerned that he was posterior) I wish I'd never had a csection.

But, ya know what? I did. And I'm proud of laboring for 3 days with back labor and 14 hours of active labor with NOTHING but my mind to overcome the pain. I'm proud of my dh for standing with me ever second of this journey. I'm proud of us for sticking to our guns when hospital policy turned awry. And I'm not ashamed to tell people I had a csection....anymore. :thumb

The most important thing to me is that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. I'll know more next time and I'll be able to choose what's best for us in that position. Until then, I will be honest with those around me in saying that I had a csection that I am still struggling with. Because I think there are a lot of moms like us who truly feel out of place. And that's sad.

Electra375

10-02-2002, 07:20 PM

I wish I had know about web support 4 years ago. I have two little boys both by c-section. I am thankful that my first son was not harmed, he could have died, he could have CP, he could be brain damaged, etc. My first son was a c-section after 36 hours of labor on pitocin, my water broke no contractions, 2.5 hours of pushing. After all that pushing he was still floating, he never engaged. The poor boy had a bruise (hematoma) on his head where he was being pushed into my pelvic bones, it was only the size of a half dollar. I had a double whammy with Zac. First the birth thing, then failing to be able to breastfeed (another story but linked to c-section, my milk never came in). I cried more about the bf than the c/s. The c/s I quickly realized was vital to the well-being of my baby. Granted the doctors that delivered my first will never lay a hand on me again, they were ok until labor and after the birth. The verbal abuse I received from them was uncalled for, such as "your not trying hard enough" in regards to bf when I asked for help and "we'll all be better off when parents stop doing this just because of the cosmetics" in regards to circumcision.

My healing process began while I was trying to get pregnant with our 2nd. I chose to have a scheduled c-section and I am very happy with that decision. I couldn't see myself going through days of labor and pushing for hours on end again to end up exhausted and in surgery at mid-night. I read about the risks w/ VBAC and decided I would weigh the c/s risk over those.

Not being exhausted and high on too many drugs gave me the ability to focus on what mattered most to me -- breastfeeding my Douglas. This is a continuous healing for me, I so longed to bf Zac and was unable to as many c/s moms know when you are put through the ringer, your body goes into shock and doesn't always do what it is suppose to do, ie produce milk. So, Douglas is almost 6mo old 100 % bf after leaving the hospital.

I am so happy I had a repeat c/s and so many ppl ask me why? didn't you want to have a vaginal birth? My answer in private is NO WAY do I want a baby coming out of there!!! To their faces, I just say it wasn't advisable or something to that affect.

I liked my second c/s so much after the doc sewed me up I asked him how long I had to wait to get pregnant again. Surprised, he answered at least 3 to 6 months. I am so ready to have more children and there was a period of two years where I cried b/c I want more children, but didn't want to go through the first birth experience each time. I was very pro-active in my care and treatment this time around and I felt much better for it too.

I am alive, my babies are alive, I am able to have children (by c/s), he is alert (schedule c/s less drugs), I wasn't exhausted(ie no labor with sch c/s), I was able to bf w/ help, sex is still great, i can sit down without pain, i didn't have an episodomy, the nurses don't push on your stomache, and you get to stay in the hospital longer. These are just a few of my opinions on c/s benefits.

Forever a c-section and NO I don't want a VBAC. (to those who do, great, but for me I'll keep my vagina and surrounding membranes in tack)

realramona

10-03-2002, 09:01 AM

I am so happy this thread is here...the last time I participated in a c-section thread here it was not very safe or comfortable so I quit even coming around for a while....
I want to thank you all for sharing your stories...I have had 2 c-sections one emergency and one because of breech postion...I am still working through the latter birth but I don't regret the emergency section at all, my dd would not be here if I did not have it....I have to get to school but I just wanted to thank you all for creating this space....I will back later with more :)

comet

10-12-2002, 08:49 PM

I'm a c/s only mom. I still haven't come to grips with it. It's been over a year now.

I tried so hard to avoid a c/s - got a doula, didn't induce, no meds of any kind. I learned the alternate positions for labor - and used them. And I still don't know if I really needed the c/s. I went into labor 11 days past the due date and was so proud of finally making it all the way to fully dilated, fully effaced and pushing with no drugs. After 3 hrs of pushing, she quit moving down the canal. 2 more hours of hard pushing and she still wasn't moving. I was worn out and then the nurse scared me into thinking the baby's heartrate was faltering. So off we went to get a c/s.

I feel that c/s moms miss out on telling the birth stories and the labor stories. People all want to hear a "normal" birth story, but not one from c/s. I don't get to brag, either. I know that sounds petty, but I do feel very excluded from the community of "normal" birthmoms.

MamaOui

10-13-2002, 04:47 AM

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lovingmomto3

10-16-2002, 11:38 PM

Replying to this thread is one of the main reasons that I registered today. I was so happy to see others who are c/s only moms. It is so hard to find anyone who has had a c/s that will even discuss cloth diapering without a smirk on her face.
While I was pregnant with my first son I was 19. I had read What to Expect at least 5 times through and I was a major control freak. So, I was in very very early labor and went to the hospital. I was dialated what they called a "fingertip." He had two decels in his heartrate and they rushed in to break my water. Five hours later, after a pitocin, flat on my back staring at my mother in law labor I had not even dialated to two. The OB came in and offered me a c/s. I jumped and Luke was born at 4:53 P.M.(isn't it convenient how the OB got to eat dinner at home that night)
Well, 13 months later I was pregnant with son #2. I had obtained a computer. I learned about this wonderful group called ICAN, the vbac bible(the silent knife), and the mother of all vbacers(Nancy Wainer Cohen). Too bad I couldn't find a midwife in East Tennessee that would even look at me much less take my birth. So, I spent the entire nine months of pregnancy #2 hating my OB's, second guessing everything they said, and pretty much I was in a rotten mood the whole time. I never even enjoyed the pregnancy because, I kept looking for the big conspiracy in it all. Two days before ds was born OB did an ultrasound and ds was breech. OB refused to try to turn him and refused to deliver him vaginally. I was so distraught. I bawled for two days. I honestly thought he was trying to foil my plans of a vaginal birth. But, miraculously enough seeing ds this time made it all better.
This pregnancy we are going for a planned c/s. Not because I wouldn't love to have a vaginal birth but, because I want to love my baby, and my body and not dwell on how it is going to betray me.
I am still enthralled with pictures and stories of vaginal births. I think it is probably the most amazing thing short of conception that exists. But, I refuse to spend this pregnancy wondering what if. What if I hadn't been so stupid at 19, what if I had lived in a more accepting area, what if I weren't so controlling.
I feel this baby move and wiggle and kick and I know if she doesn't come sooner the exact minute that she will enter this world. And, I can't wait to meet her.
I apologize for the length.
Janie

ladylee

10-17-2002, 06:25 PM

Good luck Janie :hug! My daughter's middle name is also Claire-I love it!

TreeLove

10-24-2002, 08:25 AM

I've been gone since August and this thread has just been GREAT! We *WERE* going to TTC, but those plans have changed dramatically. I think we are getting chickens and rabbits instead! LOL! Seriously, there is a really good reason (involving our twins and their recent diagnosis as PDD/Asperger's...)

Keep supporting eachother and I'll try to check in again soon!
LOVE,
tree

mamajoy

10-29-2002, 10:42 PM

I had a c-birth with my one and only baby. I was disappointed because I had read so many of those dreamy, perfect birth stories and had started to believe that real women do it naturally. But my labor just didn't progress and I have no doubt that my dd and I would both be dead if I couldn't have had a c-section.

The part that I haven't come to peace with is that after dd was born, we completely lost control of her life for four days. The first time I laid eyes on her (I think she was two days old) a nurse was feeding her from a bottle (aargh!) I said I wanted to hold her and the nurse refused to give her to me because she had been gagging on the formula. (who wouldn't!!!) We got into a little spat and she told me I could talk to the pediatrician on duty if I wanted to. I said I didn't want to talk to anyone, I wanted to hold *my* baby and feed her myself. The nurse finally gave in, and lo and behold, I didn't hurt my baby (I'm still kinda pissed two years later, although the nurse turned out to be a really nice person who just really believed in the medical model, I think)

They kept her in NICU for four days without ever telling us why - her lab tests kept coming back with tiny little things that were off, like one time her sodium levels were down, but they went back up the next day. The doctor decided they had gone down because she was eating so much, but that was worth one more day in NICU.

The day we left the hospital (fifth day) we were supposed to leave in the morning but the doctors wanted to run one more blood test and I refused. We had to wait until about 4:00 in the afternoon for the pediatrician to come tell me that she was willing to skip the test. When we left I counted 13 scabs on dd's heels - I was so upset!

My recovery was difficult, but I think it was more because of my uterine infection than the incision. I don't know for sure - everything was a blur. I just know that I have never been so incredibly exhausted in my life.

Dd and I took awhile to bond because I was so exhausted that dh fed her and walked with her. It took six weeks of incredibly frustrating effort to get bf'g going. I noticed that dd started to feel more comfortable with dh than me and I just couldn't stand it. It got me out of bed for those midnight feedings even though I felt like a complete zombie.

What did I learn from the experience? I learned not to get on my high horse about being natural! There's just no way to know what a birth experience is like unless it's yours. I also learned that pain is pain, and just because someone's story is more outrageous than mine, it doesn't mean that I don't still feel scared and empty and angry when I think of those early days.

Thanks Treelove for starting this thread. It's hard to talk about this with many people because of the judgments or the lack of understanding.

Mama Joy
:crying

dlb

11-24-2002, 12:34 PM

I am so glad to have found this thread, this oppurtunity for us to support each other.

I have had FOUR c-sections, four lovely boys, but the first forced me to re-live so many traumas in my life, and was the capstone to a time of pain.

I was always the little girl who felt left out--didn't get to be pretty, felt un-loved. Later, had specific abuse that caused me to feel vulnerable physically and sexually. Then, in my relationship with DH, was told by ladies at my church that as a "second wife" I would never come first in Gods eyes--the "covenent" between him and his (adulterous, I might add) ex wife was primary. That on top of already low self esteem, and I was all of 19 years old.

Somewhere in my soul I was counting on the empowerment of birth, a natural birth, to heal me. Didn't happen--three weeks late, big baby, my spine grows at a right angle inwards by about 2 and a half inches. His huge head got stuck, three hours of pushing, my worst fear of being physically immobilized and hurt came to me again in the form of a hasty c-section. Triggered all my hurts--left out, abused and scarred, just a second wife, not even a real mother.

One thing that seemed to help , when he was about a week old, was a re-birthing ceremony with my babe-- naked and in the safety of my bed, I cradled his head in my hands, held his body over my belly, and "pushed" him out. I lifted him to my chest, nursed him, and re-joiced that I had birthed a beautiful son. That was very healing for me; I invoked the praise and the faeries and the moonbeams for myself. We continued with close contact for months, ironically, my c-section perhaps was a catalist for AP parenting before I had ever heard the term (this was 1988).

I tried for a natural birth five years later, but in the meantime had a major conical incision of the cervix, due to what's called carcinoma in situ (sp?). I had not only my weird pelvis to contend with, but very strong scar tissue (I over-heal). After the midwife transferred me to the hospital, I had a slightly more pleasant c-section, and another big headed son. I guess that it hurt even more, because I was counting on this birth to heal the first.

Whenever people question my c-sections, and make judgements, it feels like they are ripping a scab off my heart. I look like the proverbial "easy birther" with wide hips, and have heard of women smaller than me delivering larger babes, but nobody can tell by looking at me how I am shaped inside. And nobody can see inside my heart to know how badly I desired a natural delivery. I am strong and stubborn, it wasn't for lack of trying.

With my third and fourth, I did not want to face the trauma of "trying" only to so-called "fail." I just wanted the best c-section I could have, and didn't want to risk losing control in an emergency. Those were beautiful births.

Am I healed?--- I couldn't presume to tell you. It seems that everytime I claim to be so, another layer of the onion that is my soul falls off and I have more to deal with. Keeps you humble. But I am on my journey, with perhaps a message from my Master that I WILL be healed, but it just won't be through the births of my children.

Sometimes I think that is why I recieved all boys, as well... somehow in my heart I expected that I could be healed through my own little girl, give her the childhood I should have had. "Not by a little one, my child", He said, "but by my love. Meanwhile, enjoy these beautiful sons I am lending you."

If you are in the pain I was in fifteen years ago, I wish you love, light, and healing, and offer the hope that you will get through it.

Thanks for letting me share--this has been waiting in my heart for years.

dlb

rwikene

11-24-2002, 03:17 PM

dlb~

your post made me cry!

I have had the wonderful pleasure of meeting dlb and her boys in real life....the other day we talked about c-sections, I am still very much dealing with the trauma of mine, and trying to heal.

I found that through talking with her that I have come to grips with my own c-section....and am learning to just love the birth of my child, not the experience.

So, I guess I want to say thank you....you have reached me deep down, in a part of me nobody has been able to touch thus far! Even the other women in my family/life that have had sections have not been able to speak such peace into me like you did....THANK YOU:love

emmaline

11-24-2002, 03:50 PM

dlb I'm also sitting here having a quiet cry over your post

I love your private rebirthing ceremony, what a wonderful idea :love :love

judgements about c-births I have learned to ignore completely - after my first a few people said "oh you did it the easy way" and I was so furious I nearly burst, but I am not responsible for anyone's ignorance, sometimes I might be moved to educate someone but really...

:hug :hug

mama2simon

11-24-2002, 09:43 PM

I just happened to stumble onto this board tonight and my heart is so full of that crazy mixture of SADDNESS and JOY for all of you ladies and for myself :love .

I have had one planned c/s that ended up being an emergency when I went into labor on my own. Footling breech, failed version and come to find out ~ a heart shaped uterus. Most likely future babies will also be born by c/s.

It is ok with me. I felt some saddness at not experiencing what I had built up in my mind as a *real* birth, but I have a wonderful, beautiful baby boy that came out of my body and we are as connected as ever.

This is an inspiring thread ~ thank you all so much for sharing.

dlb

11-27-2002, 12:28 AM

Rwikene-- thank you for the kind words. You guys are the cutest family. Emmaline, sorry to have made you cry.

I have been thinking about us, this tribe of c-birth mamas. Many of us, in bringing forth our babies, had to face our fears of sugical birth--no small thing, especially for us "natural" ladies. Our scars are the scars of a warrior, marks of courage.

Please, please, those of you who have started to heal, reach out to women who are starting the journey. Show your love, your compassion, your understanding. Nobody was there for me almost fifteen years ago. Nobody *got* it. Nobody understood why I grieved for a natural birth, some people who even downright hostile.

I never told anyone this, but do you guys remember the hair color commercial with the "natural woman" song? Made me bawl--I was not a "natural" woman anymore. Can any of you relate to things like this?

It is so good that we can come together--sometimes I read all the birth stories, and it really stabs at my heart. Its good to see that I am not alone, and that so many of us have expressed the same heart cry. It really does hurt doesn't it?

Thank you, all of you. And may this thread someday help encourate a new mama who really needs it.

dlb

zombiemommie

11-27-2002, 05:53 AM

You know, dlb, when you say that about the "natural woman" thing, I think I felt that way in the beginning, but I am also a trauma nurse and tend to look at things, no matter how granola I aspire to be, from a medical perspective sometimes (which is sometimes a bad thing, sometimes a good thing LOL). When you look at all of our circumstances (or the circumstances that were presented to us, or no matter how things played out) at the time of our labors/births there was a very real risk to not only us but our babies (again, whether it was true emergency, manufactured emergency, or "medically caused" emergency by cascade of intervention or whatever) and some "holier than thou" will debate ad nauseam what is and isn't emergency and/or that if a mom was allowed to labor a certain way this or that might not have occured, whatever - but the point being, all of us were either at a direct risk or we *thought* we were at the time.. so to tell / think / feel that you are less of a "natural" woman is not fair to yourself in that situation - because in some cases, it is likely that yes, maybe you would have been a natural woman had you been allowed to continue, or had you not had the section, but maybe you would have been a very sick/dead (sorry if that sounds harsh) woman and or with a very sick/dead baby, if you didn't have the intervention at that time. I am sure that time and distance have helped in that regard for you, but I think for all of us, especially those that worked so hard to attempt a natural birth, lead a natural lifestyle, etc etc. we have to see that WE DID THE BEST THAT WE COULD AT THE TIME. Does that make sense ?

It is the deep feeling of dissapointment that tears at the heart,and the feeling of "failure" that people talk about, but I think we tend to downplay or even ignore, in hindsight, where we "were" mentally and physically at the time that the c/s occurred (and I think it sometimes is harder for the moms who didn't have the true "emergent" c/s for acute fetal distress or whatever, because clearly there was an issue, but for the moms in the "grey areas" when you get home and start thinking "what happened ?" )

I think sometimes we need to allow ourselves to be thankful that we are living in a time that if indeed we do need the c/s for whatever reason, that it is an option.

I am attempting a VBAC this February, and I have read all the Suzanne Arms/Henci Gauer, etc etc etc books and I agree with everything and have been exploring alot what could have been different for me, and it is empowering to educate yourself, but it still DOES NOT CHANGE what happened and you have to find a place where you are okay with what happened. You don't have to like it, but that birth experience is what it is, you cannot change it, you can either loathe it and yoruself or you can celebrate it for what it is, the birth of a beautiful baby. After all my recent reading, I do strongly feel there are unecessary c/s etc etc and that is all well and good, but for whatever reason, we DID get into that situation, we cannot change that fact, we can learn from it but cannot change it, we have to look at what we DID know at the time, and the answer for most if not all of us is that we were vulnerable and we *needed* to have a c/s.
(((hugs)))) to all. This really is such a great thread to have here.

Mollie

11-27-2002, 06:10 AM

I also am a c-section only mama!:fairy

not that that would have been my CHOICE per say, I do feel like I have missed out on an integral part of the birth experience, but I am OK with it now. No matter how you get your children, they are still just that, your children.

My first was a footling breech with a knotted cord, so it was kind of an emergency situation since the cord was prolapsing. The second was a repeat since I ended up with a partial rupture the first time. Yes, I am not the classic birthing mama, but that is OK! :wag because everything turned out OK!

Thanks for starting this thread!

Tigerchild

11-27-2002, 04:19 PM

And no matter how many times I've heard denigrating comments from people I know who share my 'natural' leanings, I'm still unashamed of it.

I think part of it is the hospital I went to...it's extremely family centered. I could have anyone I wanted to in the operating room, they asked me if I had any special music I wanted to play, everyone was happy and upbeat, we had nurses and the anesthesiologist taking wonderful pictures and I was offered a mirror whenever I wanted one.

The only thing that I didn't like about it is that I kicked myself afterwards for forgetting to mention I wanted to see and touch the placenta! My doctor felt bad she didn't offer, it kind of slipped her mind too.

I was induced, but the pitocin didn't take, interestingly enough. As soon as they turned off the drip, my contractions flatlined. I labored without drugs, and felt so powerful! My doula was great, and so was my husband. We ended up having the cesarean section because the wrong part of her head was presenting and bending her neck, she got stuck in rotation (she wasn't facing back or front, but towards my hipbone), and then discovered the reason why she wasn't dropping was because the cord was wrapped a bunch of times around her neck. Her heartbeat was steady and strong...I don't think they would have noticed until things went really bad, but because I was not medicated the pain changed and I knew something was wrong.

I was extremely fortunate to have labor support (from my nurse, doula, husband, and doctor) that honored my instincts and checked when I asked them too.

Fiona nursed right away, and was a strong nurser from the start. I had no complications from my recovery at all (and I think a lot of that has to do with the type of support I received at the hospital and at home afterwards).

I am proud of my birth story! I get so angry when I hear of hospital staff treating women horribly during their ceseareans...and some of the draconian practices and rules that some hospitals and doctors have! I wish that more folks who advocate gentle births would also help advocate for family-centered cesearean and hospital care....because in the right setting and with the proper respect, I think that more people in this situation could have a positive and empowering experience.

I will go all out for VBAC in July, but you know...if I end up having a cesarean birth again, then I will be just as happy to hold my child in my arms.

Thanks for letting my share my positive story! I am glad to hear that there are other mamas who don't buy into (and sometimes grow angry with) the assumption that cesareans can't be positive, and don't happen in a 'natural' setting, and that the moms who have them are somehow less. I wish there was more I could do to improve the care and treatment that mamas of all types receive in hospitals...especially if they're in the high-stress situations that lead to cesearean birth.

If you'd like to see pics and stuff, feel free to check out http://www.geocities.com/tigerchild1974/baby.htm

Just as a warning though, since it's geocities and graphics intensive, it shuts down if too many folks look at it at once, so you might have to try later if you really want to see. :)

emmaline

11-27-2002, 05:06 PM

dear dlb - no need to apologise for my tears! I am renowned for shedding them over birth stories, I see it as an entirely normal response to such miraculous events - also an entirely normal response to someone sharing deeply personal experiences and feelings long struggled with :love

ladylee

11-27-2002, 05:19 PM

Such beautiful stories--pass the tissues, emmaline! Tigerchild, I also forgot about the placenta--won't do that if there's a next time :).

dlb--that was also a biggie for me and I had to dig deep with it. Can't quite articulate how it resolved itself, but the unconditional self-acceptance I gained was truly a gift :thumb.

Momtwice

12-23-2002, 02:34 PM

What a gift this thread is to me and finding it on Dec. 23 is the icing on the cake, so to speak.

Life is weird
:wink
I never ever saw this part of the board before. Or maybe I COULDN'T see it.

I had two CS's, one okay but not great, one heart rippingly traumatic.

as the song goes, "but I'm here."

and so are my sweeties.

I always did feel robbed of the naturalness of birth. Felt like being back in gym class and no one wanting me on their team cuz I was non athletic. Felt like as the Smashmouth song goes "looking kind of dumb with the shape of an L on her forehead."

I do have the peace of knowing I had good accurate information and the VBAC I longed for was not possible even according to experienced knowledgable people. But it still is a huge gaping loss that I have made peace with, somewhat, sometimes, not sure I'll ever really "get over it."

Again ladies, thank you for the GIFT of this thread.:love

simpatico_limbo

12-26-2002, 09:14 PM

While my baby sleeps I sneak some time to share.
When I was pregnant I couldn't wait to experience birthing at home, sexually, moaning, contacting my inner womyn, connecting with the millions of mama past. I wanted to be reborn! This was my chance. I found a great midwife and had a wounderful pregnancy.
I went full time to school throughout and wore myself out! So I backed off, let some things go and chilled out at home for the last trimester. Turns out, I gained "too much weight", the baby got "too big", and I was running past my due date. I tried caster oil, foot massages, walking, sex.....still labor wouldn't get going for more than 2 hours....stop and go. I was apprehensive and whiny. My midwife sent me to get a bio of the baby. This was just an extensive ultrasound session. I was treated rudely by the tech "You're having a homebirth, arph!!! You're WAY PAST DUE! I started getting nervous. The midwife didn't understand the profile. She suggested seeing an OB. Oh shit! is what I thought. My midwife basically handed me off to intervention. Next day, I was treated horribly by the doctor. "I never let my woman go this long. Boy you've got three strikes against you, you are overweight, 4'11, and girl, you're carrying an oversized baby that means C for C-section!" She had to hand me kleenex because this was my worst fear. I went to another doctor the next day, he wanted to induce to "give me a chance" to birth naturally. Next morning at six AM, I laid in the squishy hospital bed laboring slowly for nine hours hooked up to every gauging machine possible. At four PM, the doctor announced "TIME IS UP! LETS C HER!" I could'nt belive it. I told my partner to take me away from this place, I couldn't stop crying! He was so supportive the whole time.:love I was afraid but once the spinal was done and the oxygen was given, I chilled out. Kaya was born. She was beautiful and healthy!!! It happened so FAST! (i'm trying to breastfeed and type!)
It has been 20 days since the birth. Mothering Kaya is great, trying to heal myself has been the hardest thing I have ever faced. It gets easier as Kaya fills the emptiness with joy! The surgery has left me feeling like someone scraped my inner core out with a spoon. Writing this has helped. I have been feeling quite alienated by my experience. :crying I will heal. :wave

Jude's Mama

12-27-2002, 08:24 PM

This thread is WONDERFUL! I had a c-section after 26 hours of labor. I dialated to 9 1/2 centimeters!!!! My DS had the cord drapped over his neck! I definately feel I missed out as well as my DS, but it was for the best.

:love
Michelle

mamasarah

12-30-2002, 08:33 AM

i've already posted my story, but i feel as though i am going through another wave of grieving over the birth experience.

i thought this would be the place to ask, are there any books that have helped all of you to get through this process? it can be so lonely sometimes. i very rarely have an understanding person to talk to about my c-section.

Momtwice

12-31-2002, 10:44 AM

Rebounding from Childbirth

Silent Knife
Open Season
(two books by Nancy Wainer Cohen. Some info is/may be out of date but the parts about the emotional impact are right on)

Ended Beginnings

A good Birth a Safe Birth (has parts)

NOTE: these books are the need-a-hanky type.

mamasarah

01-01-2003, 01:45 PM

thanks for the tip. i don't know if i'm emotionally prepared to read yet, but i figure i should start soon rather than digging up old feelings later.

simpatico_limbo

01-01-2003, 10:21 PM

I was wondering if anyone has else has felt as if their C-section has effected the bonding process? I am having difficulting feeling positive about "life in general" and it will be almost 4 weeks since the birth. It seems like the healing process should be well on its way.
I absolutly love my dd but something is missing. Sometimes I cry when she does.
Their was one amazing moment in the hospital that blew me away. I was sleeping lightly in the middle of the night and dd was in the nursery for shift change. I awoke suddenly and knew that dd wanted me and was crying. Two seconds later a nurse wheeled her into the room and dd was wailing. I felt so bad that we were in the hospital instead of at home where my newborn would not have to get so upset to communicate. I felt like I betrayed her somehow. The bond between mother and child is so deep and rewarding I just feel I want to experience the full extent of what it should be. And perhaps the way dd was born inhibits our comminication and bonding. Somebody else vacuumed her out of me. It was not what I wanted.
I was born via section. My mother had the same experience as I with birth. I always thought it was because of her ignorance that it happened that way, until it happened to me. Now I know that in those intense moments that surround birth are thick with trust. You must trust your caregiver. But what if your caregiver happens to be the OB on call that wants to be sure to make it home for the five O clock news?

traci5489

01-02-2003, 12:03 AM

I have had two children by c-section, my son Dylan (4 yrs) and my daughter Jordan (25 months) and hopefully will be having another in the next year and that baby too will be born by c-section. I almost didn't post here because I don't now and never did have any bad or sad or failed feelings in response to my c-sections.

My first was definately more traumatic, because it was after 26 hours of labor (with pitocin and NO progress and NO pain meds). Finally, c-section and after contractions for so long, I had some pretty serious bleeding problems (I am a bleeder anyway) that caused some scares all around and left me sick and anemic for a long time (6-8 months). My second was planned (due to bleeding issues and the fact my daughter was breech) and was a piece of cake and very enjoyable for me, I had no bleeding problems and could hold and nurse my daughter within 10 minutes of her birth and she never left the room where I was (with ds, he and my husband were rushed out of the OR when bleeding problems became serious) so I watched her being cleaned up, diapered, footprinted, etc. Both my babies roomed-in with me at the hospital (my mom and sister stayed to help with diaper changes etc. before I could get out of bed) and only left my side for check-ups in the nursery so I did not have any "bonding issues".

I am sure my next child will be a c-section too since my ob-gyn said she would not do it any other way and that is just fine with me - as long as my babies get here healthy and happy and my doctor gets me through too it is a blessing that I will joyfully celebrate! :love

lovingmomto3

01-02-2003, 12:56 AM

As far as the bonding process, yes, I feel like I had a hard time bonding with ds #1 because of the shock of having an emergency c/s. With ds #2, no, I didn't have any issues with bonding. I guess because, it was planned.
Can I say something about some of the books that are being reccomended. If I knew that I were only going to have had c/s I would have never read anything by Nancy Wainer Cohen. They were very informative but, I spent my entire 2nd pregnancy hating and mistrusting my OB because, of the things that she wrote in those books. I know that she writes to empower women but, in doing so it can make the ones with little or no choices seem very helpless.
Janie

TreeLove

01-21-2003, 07:01 AM

gonna have my 4th baby, 3rd c-birth in Sept. 03!

Yup-ol treelove's bearin' more fruit!

Electra375

01-21-2003, 05:15 PM

I don't think you ever truly recover, you just learn to accept with great dignity that a c/s is the best option for you to give birth to your children. I can give life (c/s) and I can sustain life (BF) and most importantly I can love and nurture my baby.
I, too am drawn to other women's accounts of beautiful homebirth stories and a part of me wishes for that experience, but only a small part. I use to watch them on TLC and Discovery all the time, now I've moved on and no longer need or want to watch those birth shows.
When I look at my children, I don't even think about how they came into this world, I only know that they are my children to love and care for.
Think about all the positives surrounding a c/s and know that you did the best you could with the information and circumstances you were in at the time. I wish I did this or I wish I did that, only cause you do doubt that you did the best you could.
To all those c/s mammas out there, take care...
Rejoyce
Mama to Douglas 9 mo.
Mommy to Zachary 4 yrs.

simpatico_limbo

01-21-2003, 10:04 PM

Well, everyday I let go of the doubt and sadness. It is a process. We can give/create life! This is our joy!
My "emergency OB" advises me to have a repeat section if I decide to be preggo again. He belives that my pelvis is too small for birthing babies. I feel so curvy and able. I am short (4'11) but I am round as well, my dp is 6'2 (my OB thinks it makes a difference)....has anyone else heard of this small pelvic thing?

Electra375

01-22-2003, 06:49 AM

A friend of mine was told by her OB that she couldn't have children over 7.5lbs without a c/s. She is about to have her third (induced today, due on Feb 3), the other two were hard labors equating to over 7.5lb boys naturally. He measured her somehow. I have never had a doctor measure me for birthing and tell me a max baby size and when I asked about it OB said it isn't a true determiner and isn't done anymore. What I really think is that they want all women to attempt natural birth regardless of the situation. I wish I could find a doctor willing to listen to me, I think my pelvis is fused, neither of my children ever engaged, they were both floaters. The first boy was floating still after 2 1/2 hours of pushing, poor little guy had a bruise on his head from hitting my pelvic bone. I hated the fact that my planned c/s op report listed the c/s as "patient refusal to VBAC", how insulting to me. I enlisted the help of a gyn who is no longer in the ob bus. and he agreed that a c/s was best for me, I guess that opinion wasn't carried over to the different ob office for the pregnancy. oh, well...
hope that helped on the pelvic thing...
Rejoyce

Robyn

01-22-2003, 10:22 AM

simpatico_limbo,

From what I have heard from others (I'm a c-section mom too), people who give birth in a hospital usually are laying flat on there backs. In that position, your body is not opened up all the way. You can open up your pelvic a little more in a sqatting position....plus the gravity works with you instead of against you. Again, I have never even tried a natural birth, but maybe you can find something on line about the benifits of a squatting position.

Robyn

AahRee

01-23-2003, 06:48 PM

Just introducing myself :D

I have a beautiful, healthy 8 month old girl who probably wouldn't be here were it not for my c-section.

I was induced due to pre-eclampsia ~ first with Cytotec and then with Pitocin. After almost 48 hours of induction, I was only at 3 cm. I was 1 cm when they started the induction. And at one point during the Pitocin induction, I was contracting every minute with less than 10 seconds between contractions.

After the 48 hours, when I was only at 3 cm, my OB said he could either break my bag of waters and hope that that sped things along somewhat, or get me ready for a c-section. They also measured my fundal height and guessed my DD was going to be 9# or more, which was going to make vaginal birth even more complicated. I asked him what he would do if I was his wife, and he said he'd do the section. So, that's what we did. Was it ideal? Nope. Did I ever even think I would go that route? Nope. Do I regret it? Not for a second. I have a wonderful child and I really don't care how she made her way into the world. She's here now and that is really all that matters to me. It DID affect our first few weeks together, and contributed to my inability to BF her (despite all the efforts of many different LCs, as well as my DH who was fully committed to helping me with it). But I still don't regret it.

If we have another child, I am fairly sure I'll opt for a repeat section rather than attempt VBAC. I think that the harder thing for me was the fact that the section took me by suprise and I wasn't prepared for it. If I have another one, I'll be ready for it. (And I won't do dumb things like have the entire family over when the baby is 3 days old, or go to church while I still have my staples in! :LOL )

Anyway, it is so great to know that there are other mothers out there who are okay with the fact that they had a section and aren't ashamed of it!

HeatherB

02-01-2003, 05:04 AM

Wow. I've been sitting here, reading through this whole 5 page long thread, often fighting back tears. I am very grateful to find this forum, and other women who have been through similar ordeals.

I had a 36 hour (active) labor, with no meds until we tried pit as a last-ditch effort to give me my dream of a vaginal birth. The whole labor was really wonderful to that point, and I am so glad I went through it.

On the one hand, I am heartbroken at not having done what I set out to do, at not having had those first moments with my precious baby (I had general anesthesia). On the other, I remember the wonderful, empowering (I never knew before what that word really meant!) experience of labor, and don't regret it one bit.

I think one of the hardest things for me was that I was longing for, looking forward to, pushing my baby out. And that's the ONE thing I didn't get to do. (Well, not the only one... all that important stuff like holding him right away didn't happen, either.)

So, like some one else posted, I never know where I really belong. Obviously, I had a c-section, but I also consider myself to have had a natural birth (ie. drug-free, even though it wasn't *completely*). I hate the feeling that people assume I had a "drugged" birth when they hear I had a c/s, when, in fact, I worked very, very hard at my labor and went through some immense pain in what I believed to be the best interests of my baby. Of course, my friends who had homebirths know that my hospital labor and c-section birth was nothing like theirs, so I don't quite fit in there, either...

As it was, DS was very healthy, alert, and had no problems other than the cord around his arm. They say he screamed when they took him out, but I don't know... DH did hear him, though. Poor DH, sitting in the hall waiting, crying for us. Anyway, making myself cry now... :crying

But it is so important to talk about these things, isn't it? At 10.5 months later, I think I still keep a lot of it bottled up inside me. A few weeks after he was born I regularly had long crying spells because it was so hard to deal with (again, poor DH!). I never really even acknowledged it while we were in the hospital. I dealt with it, did what I had to do, took care of my precious baby, got through it. I kind of "toughed it out," as my way of dealing with it. Then the real dealing came when we were home and there was no more putting it off.

I really hope for a VBAC/HBAC (assuming that's H=home) with future pgs. I have Lyme disease, and we wonder if that had something to do with the problems in delivery. That's part of why I hope to not be pg again until I'm finished with the Lyme treatment. If I do have to have a c-birth again, we'll be more prepared. I have spina bifida occulta (a lesser form), but we didn't have any recent films to show where the "bad" vertebrae is. That, and the Lyme, made me a bad candidate for an epidural. I don't know that I really wanted one, anyway, but I do wish I'd been awake for his birth. As it is, his birth doesn't exist for me, if that makes sense. I fell asleep in great pain, awoke in great pain, and they said, "It's a boy!" What happened in between I don't know. My hope is that if we're better prepared in the future that we can circumvent that by having a different anesthesia. Of course, then I think about the side effects of those, and I think "igh!" Don't know if I want to mess with 'em!

Anyway, I'm sort of rambling on (more than sort of!). I'm very grateful to have this sort of a forum to discuss these issues... and feel like maybe someone else out there understands.

Thanks so much for listening. :)

lovingmomto3

02-23-2003, 01:08 AM

I posted here a couple of months ago but, I didn't feel "at liberty" to post the story of my 3rd c/s anywhere else.
Rachel Claire was born via planned c/s on 1/23/03 in the middle of a snowstorm. I was scheduled to have an amnio that morning to see if her lungs were mature, and then have the c/s at noon. I had the amnio(it wasn't bad at all), and it came back great. After that every thing went really fast. I was very suprised by this because, when I had my boys it seemed like it took forever to get the epidural and then alot longer for the section. This time they got the results from the amnio at 11:15, the epidural at 11:30, and the section started at 12:00 on the dot.
It all seemed very surreal actually because I had had a very very very good relationship with my OB this time and I was expecting to be secure in my decision to do this for the 3rd time but, I kept thinking maybe I should just go home. If I go home and don't think about it then the baby will come soon. But, before I knew it I was being cut open. He took the baby out and showed her to me and I just looked at her and didn't feel ANYTHING. Which was very strange because, even though my boys were c/s I loved them at first site. When they were born I was bawling my head off and this time I was kind of like Wow a baby. I didn't feel anything towards her. The good part is that they didn't take her out of the room the whole time they were working on me. They weighed her, and bathed her and everything right there while I was being sewn up. Dh sat there next to me. Before I had the baby I had made a big deal out of noone holding her until I got to so, when we got back to the room dh was really pushing me to hold her and nurse her and, I did but I didn't really want to. It brings tears to my eyes to think of it now but, as soon as I put her to the breast she didn't hesitate. She latched right on and I swear she looked me in the eye. It was almost like she wouldn't allow me not to love her. She nursed and nursed and nursed. She has been a wonderful baby. She is also my smallest baby and she has a little tiny head. I could have killed my OB. When he took her out he said "Wow, I think we could have done this one the natural way."
I have been having alot of weird emotional things going on. Like when I went to have my staples out I started crying in the OB's office thinking about how it was all over and I wouldn't be back there again unless I get pregnant again. And, don't get me wrong I love my little girl. But, my whole life I have wanted a daughter and now that I have one it isn't nearly as great as I thought it would be.
Oh yeah, one more thing. Dh got to video Rachel's birth. It all seems so violent to me. The OB is cutting then he is pulling and then this other guy is literally lying on top of my chest trying to push her out and I am just lying there with this stupid looking grin on my face. VERY VERY STRANGE.
Janie

carmen veranda

02-23-2003, 09:48 AM

I had a c-sec with dd#4.
My first dd was born with no drugs no interventions and not much support from my then husband. He fell asleep. I felt so strong and natural and like super woman. She was 10# 2oz. I *just * knew my body could do this and truely felt a c-sec was for people who didn't try hard enough. Same with bfing. The she died of SIDS at almost 6 months. How could this be. I did everything right!!! I had people ask me with *that look* in their eyes if I had had drugs with birthing, breast feed, sleep with baby. When I would tell people about her being at a sitters for a few hours when she died, I could sometimes sense the 'oh that explains it' feeling.
Birthed dd #2, 10# 1oz, no drugs no interventions, still strong in my belief in my body, but a bit wiser about judging
With dd #3 I had a home birth planned. Labored off and on for 2 days. Not regular enough to do much good, but strong enough to wake me up everytime. I walked, I cleaned house, I sat still, I lay in the dark, I went outside, I ate, I bathed, I had sex, I took castor oil, I pooped. I got tired and went to the hospital and basically just threw myself on their mercy. The Ob broke my water. Nothing. A few more hours, a pit drip was started. Then one HUGE contraction that they could not stop even after stopping the drip. I birthed her vaginally, with me trying to crawl up and out of the bed away from my vagina, crying. A friend that was a mom 3 times finally lay on top on me and made me look her in the eyes and "taught" me how to birth my baby. Horrible experience, bad tear, baby girl exploded out of me. Lucky the nurse was ready cause the stupid OB was very uninvolved and even though the nurse was pretty insistant that he get over there like now, he was still gowning and gloving and getting ready. She would have landed on the floor!!
DD #4 was 2 weeks late. I was scheduled to go in that moring at 0400. I went into labor during the night. My friend with me and I both could tell the baby's heart beat would really drop with contractions as the night wore on. I started to get scared and went in at 0500 anyway. On a monitor (again) afriad of repeating induction nghtmare. My feelings of fear were changing to great anxiety about the baby. I kept saying that some thing was not ok, that I could not go through with this. When my friend said, "look at the monitor", and I saw her heartrate drop to 40, I said, "get this baby out of here!!" The baby's father whom I had told to "Say NO!!" to any intervention got in the Dr.'s face, tryin to stop surgery and help me. (I had felt somewhat betrayed by him at the older daughters induction). The Dr. and I concurred, as did my friend, and off the emergent c-sec we went. I knew I wanted a spinal, and they wanted general, but as luck would have it, the anasthesia dude who was "very best" at spinals was there, and he agreed. They gave me a shot in the thigh to stop the contractions right when I was getting all panty and transition y. Poof, they were gone! Very weird. Then they rolled me over, no easy feat, poked the spinal in, rolled me back over, tested the numbness and cut me open. I was completely sectioned before dp got his scrubs on!. Then, she didn't breathe. I could hear them talking about all the meconium. The cord was wrapped very tightly around her neck 3 times. They intubated her. I felt very disconnected. I was sorta chanting under my breath for her to breathe, but I was not crying, or dying inside with fear. Very weird. I have never told anybody else this. It was as if I had no real stake in what happened. I hope I am not judged for this. I am ashamed of it.
We bonded later, after she was out of NICU and in my arms and at my breast. When they wheeled me into see her in the NICU, I cried for the poor little thing to be so wired up and tied down, but still not because she was my baby who was just inside me and now was sick. Luckily she extubated right away and spent the night with me, and then the tears came!!!
Now, she is almost 3 and is a complete joy!! A very easy baby. Still nursing, free with hugs and kisses, loves to snuggle.
My dd #3, age 8, the pitocin birth one, was a very high need baby, pushed away at the breast so much that I pumped and dp fed her bottles, which worked better, but still she was not very happy. My milk supply dwindeled and she was completely ff by 6 months. She has been the hardest one for me to read, the one who still freaks out over changes big and small and is the most intense of all my kids. I have wondered in my heart if it is because I "forced" her out before she was ready. Maybe if had just labored for a little while longer... Did the way she was birthed affect her personality.
So I have WAY more issues with the violent vaginal birth, then with the emergent c-sec. I really feel there was no choice with the c-sec, and am proud that I *felt* something was wrong with my baby. Even though I felt so disconected at her birth, we bonded so easily later. Am I just trying to *blame" dd #3's personality on something? I have a lot of guilt about this.

If anyone has read this far, bless you. I am sorry it is so long. I guess I really felt the need.... My little one's name is Claire, too!!

carmen veranda

02-23-2003, 09:53 AM

Gosh, Janie, I am so sorry I did not reply to your post. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling so discontected about the way you birthed your baby and your baby. I don't know why. But I did too, and feel the mixed emotions in your post. When they wheeled me in to the NICU to see my baby, they took a picture and I am looking at the camera with a stupid silly smile while my baby is laying there all wired up. Whose stupid idea was that?
How cool that your baby made you *see* her and love her. That is so cool. You are amazing to have the courage to look in those eyes and know that. You sound like a super mom.

OnTheFence

02-24-2003, 12:51 PM

Hi everyone,
CSection only mom here. Even my son who we adopted at birth was born via csection. (he will not be left out...lol)
My first csection was a nightmare but the second was wonderful and practically pain free!!!
I have a mullerian anomally so its unlikely I will ever have a vaginal birth.
I'm okay with that now!

My kids are 6, 2, and Jack will be 1 on March 1st.

kpiperj

02-26-2003, 09:29 PM

I haven't read all the other responses yet (only got through page 2!), but wanted to add my story....

I didn't labor at all. Well, not until I got the hospital and started contracting every 5 minutes (maybe Adia knew it was her birthday???). My OB (he's truly fabulous) discovered Adia was breech when I was around 30 weeks pg. They were doing an ultrasound to rule out IUGR and discovered that my fluids were low and that Adia had her lovely feet in her face. She stayed that way no matter what we tried.

I was offered a ECV but decided against it. Due to low fluid levels, the fact that this was my first pg and this overwhelming gut feeling (both DH and I felt this way) that our little girl was stuck I opted to schedule a c-section.

So, on to the questions:

How did you come to terms w/ your c-birth?
I truly truly believe in my heart that Adia was wedged in my pelvis and that a c/s was the only birth safe for her. She'd been in the frank breech position for at least 9 weeks, probably longer and wouldn't budge. I also had a week to make peace with the idea that I wasn't going to have the drug free birth I was planning on. I cried alot. I paced alot. I had dreams and nightmares. I spent lots of time rubbing Adia's head and talked to her and one day realized that having a c/s was ok.

Have you made peace with it? If yes, then how?
You know, the second I heard my dr say our baby was a girl (we didn't know) and I heard her cry all my anger and sadness over the loss of a drug free birth vanished. All that mattered was that Adia was here and she was healthy. Beyond that day I've made peace by knowing that I'm going to be a childbirth educator and a doula. Even if I have all surgical births I know that I'll be there for other pg couples and laboring women and I'll get to be a part of those births and of other women's labor experiences. That's done alot to make me feel at peace with myself and Adia's birth.

How was your recovery?
Remarkably good. Even my dr commented on how quickly I was up and around. I felt pretty good once I got home. It wasn't nearly as bad as I anticipated.

How did it affect your bonding? self esteem?
I got to hold Adia and nurse her an hour after birth. She must have known it would take awhile because she was extremely alert when the nurse brought her in to me. She nursed like a pro from the start. I truly wonder if she *knew* to wait for me.?. Once we spent some time gazing at each other and she had her first nip at the breast she took a long nap.

What is the most important thing you have learned/gained from you expirience?
I've learned that it's your attitude that makes you stronger after the birth of a child; not how you gave birth. I feel incredibly empowered by Adia's birth. I didn't labor with her, but I healed from surgery instead. I bear the physcial scar that marked her arrival into this world. Her birth touched me in a way I can't even express.

I think too, I realize now more than every how much I want to be a childbirth educator and doula. I've got that much more fire in my soul to do this work now that I know I might never have the kind of birth I dreamed of. It's given weight to my passion.

:grouphug I'm so glad this forum is here!