Ok i am putting this out there looking for help b/c i cant take it somedays. I hope that noone will look badly upon me but i guess that is your opinion.

Lately dd has been such a handful, i hate to say that her behavior is "the age" although i guess its possible.
But what do you do when she hits and hits and hits when she doesnt get what she wants, but doesnt listen when you tell her not to hit and explain why?
Or what do you do when its the 300th time that you have told her not to throw things, or dump out her drink on the table/floor/bed?
Or when she wont eat anything for a meal and askes for sugary snacks?
or when she just wont listen to anything that you say, you might as well just talk to a wall b/c you may get a better response?

Now i have yelled at her more times than i should but i have never hit her and it really aggervates me when she hits me or anyone else. How do you go about gentle discipline when you are trying to be sensitive to her needs and wants b/c she is highly sensitive and spirited? I want her to be able to express herself and be creative. the other problem that we have is that i live under someones elses roof with there rules. Like this morning dd was throwing the oranges and apples around the kitchen, i was ok with this b/c i figure she isnt hurting anyone and she will learn not to do it when there is no fruit left. But my mom yelled at her about it and made her put them away. or tongiht, after a day from hell, dd falls asleep late in the car so she is easily upset. She throws a fit about her drink i tell her to go get it, she then hits her head, my mom yells "just come get it!", she goes to get it falls apart b/c she cant reach it and then accidentally spills it, and falls apart about that. My mom unemotionally carries her to me and hands her off w/out trying to comfort her.

I dont like time out, she thinks its funny anyway, i just dont know how to handle her without also feeling completly out of control of everything. Sometimes i think she needs to learn to consiquences of her actions on her own, but my mom freaks and says that she is spoiled. btu then sometimes i feel like we should have some kind of rules but lately they have all gone out the window. I feel like there is some kind of hormone inbalance going on with me lately, i freak about the smallest, dumbest thing. i feel like things will get better after we move out in January and i can do things without all this interferance. I just need to get through the next few weeks.

Sorry to be so rambly any advice would be great. thanks

my son is alot like that too, and i just posted a long thing on the thread about not listening...anyway i dont have real advice but since you dont like time out what if you did the kind of time out where you both go to time out together...and dont even call it that, just call it taking a break? i dont like time outs that much either but i have been using them out of desparation. but i just say, "you have to go in your room till you can calm down and listen to me. come out when you are ready to be gentle" ( or whatever) this works sometimes, sometimes not, but i dont feel 100% good about it. i USED to go in there with him and we would just sit there together, removed from the situation and i would talk to him. but lately he just hits me and stuff and i get really mad about that ( i have never hit him either) and so i have to cool off too. so i now put him in his room, but he is free to come out at any point and usually only stays in there less than 30 seconds at a time. if he is stil being mean or out of control i bring him back to his room. i dont know if this is right, but its the most consistant thing i have done and sometimes he goes in there himself "to feel better" he says.

just my 2 cents and hugs to you , it sounds like its your situation that is stressful on both of you, and she might be just as sensitive about it as you and is acting out.

Hugs Mama. I have a girl who was exactly like that! I thought you were talking about my daughter. Good news..they do outgrow it. She is so different now. I only have to raise one finger. She knows if she doesn't follow the rules (at six she is old enough to follow my simple rules) that she gets to go sit on her bed. You need to find an age appropraite (I don't want to say punishment) thing to make her think about what she has done. Something that you can do anywhere. When dd used to act out in public, I would put her in the car and we would leave. After a few times of doing that..she got it.

The key was picking a punishment (I really can't think of a better word..my brain is dead) 6yo looses her desert for a night now...and sticking to it. Make sure that you can use that same thing every time. We have left a full grocery cart and walked out of the store and went home if older dd threw a fit. I will still do this. After a couple times of something like that..taking them away from a favorite activity..they will get the picture. I didn't even have to spank her! Everyone told me to..I couldn't. She is such a gentle girl now. She doesn't hit! Ever! Not even her sister who is 2.5 and starting to hit that stage..we're working on her..

She does growl at me when she loses her temper, but I'm fine with that. That is a great way to express her emotions without hurting anyone. It lets me know what her feelings are so we can talk about them.

I think I told someone another way too. We talked about telling her when it was okay to hit. I tell my girls that it is okay to hit if someone she doesn't know is trying to take her. She may hit then. For anything else..she needs to find another way to express her anger. Teaching her appropriate ways to express her anger (I growl..that is where the 6yo got it..I'm afraid). Scream in a pillow. Go to her room and scream etc.

That is my advice about hitting..as far as the fruit..make some apple pie and use the oranges for fruit salad. Next time around..put them where she can't get them. If it's not there...well you know. If I don't want my kids to touch something..I don't have it anywhere near them. Good Luck.

No advice, but I've read many of your posts here in this forum and wanted to send you a big ol' :Hug
I had to live with my inlaws when my Savannah was 10 months old and that was really draining and I felt like I was living under a microscope.
Hope things get better for you soon!

savannahmomi,

It is SO hard to discipline under someone else's roof, especially when you're not being supported in what you do. I totally understand that and feel out of control myself sometimes when staying with my partner's parents. They have lots of things they've worked hard for and a beautiful home which they like just so and it's never been baby and now child proof. How is your mom's house? It may be that you find it easier when you're out f her house because you can set it up as a "yes environment." I found at you dd's age (she's about 1 isn't she?) that was the best and easiest way to make it through the day - have anything she shouldn't be into put away and have everything at her level stuff that can't break, hurt her etc. My son was so much happier this way and I could back off and not feel I was constantly herding him (annoying for both him and myself) and even sometimes sit and squeeze in a amgazine and a tea while he busied himself in the room.

You will most likely feel more confident in how you handle tough moments with savannah when you're able to settle into it without comments from the peanut gallery. It's a lot easier to experiment and see what works for you in your own space.

Hitting is a tough stage and because that stage happens so young. It's tiring but it's all about the re-direction. It's a great time to start showing her what hands are good for instead of just a no hitting message. That way she learns both the negative (no hitting) but also the positive (hands can do so many other cool things.) Play doh is great cause you can help her roll it with her hands, and make finger marks in it, pick it up, etc etc. And hands are for loving - everytime I saw my son was raising his hand to hit I would gently take it and use it to stroke my cheek and say how loving, and soft and gentle that is. Positive re-inforcement goes a long way at this age.

I also found surrounding myself with information about what was developmentally appropriate and not at each age helped me keep my sanity. Knowing that a one year old does not think logically made it a lot easier to deal with why I had to keep re-stating the same things over and over again and why he didn't get that hitting = losing a toy (bad example, because that's not logical.) Arming myself with what each stage was going to look like made a huge difference in whether I let myself get angry and frustrated or in a head space to teach and see it as a learning adventure. Does that make sense?

A good article for keeping perspective is William Sears' 9 Developmental Reasons why Toddlers are hard to Discipline:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060400.asp

He mentions equilibrium and disequilibrium and I've mentioned it before in posts so bear with me but I can't stress enough how liberating this theory is. It made the biggest difference in how I approach my son and his behaviour. And just to make it clear I was NOT handling his negative phases well. About a year and a bit ago my partner and I could not take it anymore, we were out of ideas and we thought AP and GD had failed us, or we failed it. We booked an appointment with our GP to beg him to find some sort or behavioural challenege in our son so we could be let of the hook. Our GP talked to us quite a bit about what our son was doing and what we found most troublesome and much to our frustration we heard what we knew already: though he's quite active he's a three year old and in line with them all. But our appointment made us re-examine what being three looked like, what he is capable of cognitively, which of our expectations are too high etc and how we want to raise our son. We talked about equilibrium and disequilibrium and how we'd all read up on it but in times of frustration were forgetting to take that into account, and when we looked back we found that almost every six months we hit a breaking point with our son, where he seemed so quick to upset and was regressing in skills he had already mastered etc etc. It was always in his periods of disequilibrium that we lost our minds.

So now we know to expect those periods and plan for them and the whole world has changed for us. It's still very hard - four is a pretty volatile time, but we keep reminding ourselves that it's a normal stage and he will get through it and onto something else. But while he's hooked on one stage (right now it's expressing anger) we will use that stage to our fullest to teach. And we will make a pact to wake up with a store of good humour cause we know we'll need it.

Right now for you the stage is hitting. Just remember she's not doing it over and over to defy you, she's too young. She's just learning about her hands and what they can do.

Reminding yourself that babes aren't manipulative or defiant or malicious. They're just figuring out the world and man are they doing it at lightening speed. Amazing when you think about it: last year she couldn't do anything by herself and now she's motoring around, trying to talk, etc etc. How fast it all happens. The best part is you get to be there for so many of her discoveries and that's all being one or two or three is about: learning what we can and can't do and what we want and don't want to do and what makes up our world and how we fit into it all. That's so much for so little a being and there's bound to be lows for both you and dd and frustrations...nobody expects you to be perfect.

All stages really do work themselves out so be gentle with yourself as well as dd. She will move out fof hitting and onto something else.

HTH. I know it can be upsetting to not be given a if she does X do Y response, but for me what really made the difference in discipline in my house was how it was approached.

Take care,
Nicole.