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Ms. Mom
09-08-2002, 09:42 PM
Today would have been my fathers 65th birthday. However he took his life on January 4, 2000.

The last 2 weeks I keep seeing men who look like him with knobby knees, shorts that are too tight, t-shirt, baseball cap and mustach. I look at them and have to shake my head because I keep thinking I see him.

I still have dreams of him in the casket moving his mouth trying to speak - but never hearing the words.

A friend of mine does a Sunday night radio show called Big Sonic Heaven. He's playing a This Mortal Coil song in my dad's honor right now. It's so sad. We played it at the grave site.

I've lit some rosemarry candles. At his funeral we picked rosemarry from his garden and created a beautiful 'alter' next to his casket. I remember so well the smell of Rosemarry. It's become a favorite smell of mine now.

Just reflecting on a man who had so much to give, but was unable to fight his inner demons. His demons are gone now :crying

You have travled so many miles
Across unchartered terrain
You have walked with the living
and danced with the dead.




StarMama
09-08-2002, 09:56 PM
:hug Ms.Mom. I know it must be a hard day for you. I hope you're managing through this ok... and I understand seeing men with similar features and thinking its them or bringing up memories... same experience here...

Take care of yourself and take the time to remember the good memories as well as the grief.

ladylee
09-08-2002, 09:58 PM
Lighting a candle for your father, and for you, Jacque. I hope he is at peace. :hug

Els' 3 Ones
09-08-2002, 10:45 PM
:grouphug

Xenogenesis
09-09-2002, 02:03 AM
((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Ms. Mom
09-09-2002, 05:18 AM
Thank you all for your thoughts and kind words.

When I saw him in the casket I was so overcome with emotion. It was the first time I ever saw him at such peace. He looked so amazing. His wife commented that the moment he died it was like his deamons went with him and this look of peace came over him.

It was very comforting to know his deamons were gone. I was worried that they would be with him forever. I picture his spirit on the hiltop in NC where he's burried - finally free and taking in the beauty and nature that surrounds him.

lisamarie
09-09-2002, 08:54 AM
Oh Jacque~

((((HUGS))))), it can be so tough on these anniverseries/birthdays can't it. Your heart sounds so heavy right now. Circumstances surrounding suicide can be so frustrating. In one hand~you are glad they are at peace and aren't suffering anymore. But, on the other hand~you want them here with you. Its a struggle in our heart and head, isn't it?

I don't know if these brings you any peace in your heart and this is just MHO, but I think where your father is, he is well and can see with clear and open eyes, what an amazing, wise and wonderful daughter and mother that you are. I know things were clouded for him here on earth, but he sees with healthy, open eyes now.

Maybe take some rosemary to the zoo with you next time to honor him??? Sending you big healing hugs and love.:love

Much Love~

Lisa:grouphug

Arduinna
09-09-2002, 09:17 AM
:grouphug I'm so sorry.

hahamommy
09-10-2002, 11:06 AM
:hug great day (week/month) to remember his *life* and that you're here to prove it *did* matter :love

Ms. Mom
09-10-2002, 02:56 PM
Diana THANK YOU! That was so sweet of you to say and really rubbed me right!

Thank you all - just needed to talk and as usual my Mothering sisters were here for me!:love