need some advice about mom and home birth

[SharonAnne]

Okay, so i love my mom, but she drives me nuts.

Mom's very much NOT laid back or mellow in any sense of the word. This is the woman who freaked out when we were going to FL for two weeks, because she wanted to turn the ringer off all the phones and one of the phones didn't have a ringer on/off switch. Um, mom, just unplug the phone.

She's.....high strung.

DH and I are planning a home birth in June. At first, mom had lots of reservations about this, but we all sat down one night and had a very open and positive discussion about it. I've loaned her books and sent her to webpages, and she is fairly supportive of it now. As supportive as one who expects the end of the world at any moment can be, I suppose.

Here's where your advice comes in. Mom told me the other day, "I'll be there if you want me to." meaning, she'll come to the birth of the baby. Now, the problem is, I don't want her there if she's going to be a nervous wreck, because that is not going to help me push the baby out. So, I told her at that time, "Mom, I don't want you there if you're going to be a nervous wreck." She told me, "I THINK I'll be fine. But, don't get mad at me if I cry....it's HARD to see your baby in PAIN" I didn't commit one way or the other at this initial conversation, telling her htat I have to discuss it with Paul.

Well, Paul and I discussed it and we're both pretty much against having my mom there. I appreciate her wanting to be there, and I understand why she wants to be, I think. But, I really don't think she'll handle it well, and I really cant' be worried about her at a time like that.

The rest of the complication, is taht we've kind of employed my sister-in-law (Paul's sister) as a secondary support person/photographer. She volunteered, and SHE is very mellow and laid back. I am not worried about her freaking out and I am very excited that she is so excited. And she is REALLY excited. I know it's just a matter of time before mom brings up this subject again, and I'm goign to have to tell her no. Then it'll only be a matter of time before she finds out Erin will be or was there, and then there will be hell to pay.

So help. How do I nicely tell my mother that she can't come, but my sister in law is going to be there? Does that sound as awful as I think it does?

[hollyhobbie]

well, i had to tell my mother when i was about 8.5 months pg that she wasnt welcome at my birth b/c i was worried like you about how it would affect my labour progressing. my mother reacted badly and threatened to commit suicide! but the upswing or whatever you say is i have absolutely no regrets about making that decision. it was difficult at the time but i had exactly the birth i wanted in the end. my sis had mom present at her midwife attended birth and her labour stalled big time. the midwives were trying to get rid of my mother at the time and my sister said she felt it made her tense up!! i mean it was a bad scene and my sis says it is the one regret she has about her birth. i love my mom but i just never felt her personality was one i could have present for such a thing. it's your baby, it's your birth, you need to do what you need to have a positive experience. i am sure your midwife can offer some support. mine did and it really helped. good luck to you. i know its not easy!

[mommyto2]

I am having the same situation with my mother in law. I told her that she is not invited to the birth of my child (with the first)... She told me she would be in the kitchen cooking, & I wouldn't mind her being there... She is very ... um.... well... have you seen the show "everybody loves raymond"? She is Marie. If you haven't seen it, she likes to be in charge & the center of attention & is very critical.

Well, this time, dh & I have (possibly) decided to have a friend/photographer come take pictures & I am afraid of the same fallout when she finds out. The only reason I have not commited to the friend is so my husband won't tell his mother who will decide she has more of a right than a stranger to witness the birth of HER grandchild!

So if I were you, this is what I would do. I would tell your mom that you aren't sure how you will handle the birth & would hate to upset her seeing you in pain. Tell her that you would love to have her there, but maybe for the next one depending on how you handle this birth. (This worked the first time with my mother in law) She has not yet brought up this birth. I think she is hoping I will invite her, which is not an option. If this sounds mean, please understand, she had to be restrained at the hospital when my sister in law was in labor. She "is the grandmother & has a right to be there"!
I wanted quiet homebirth & I had it. Without her. It was great. Please don't give up your hope of a calm quiet homebirth because you don't want to hurt your mom.

[JesiLynne]

I have the same problem but with my MIL
My mom is great, in fact she's gonna be my doula.
MIL is CLUELESS when it comes to birth, she had the whole twilight sleep, w/ the shaving and the enema etc.... when she gave birth to DH who is her only child.
She also thinks doctors are right on par with God!
So my having a homebirth is not exactly easy for her to take, and she WONT do any research on the subject, she'd rather ask the same stupid questions over and over again.
My fear is that when this baby finally decides to show, she'll get wind and show up UNINVITED just b/c my mom is there.
I can't handle that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You don't sound awful, but calmly explain to her the value of a calm and collective birth experience, w/o interuptions, and w/o undue stress and tell her your fears, she might understand.
Depending on when you are due, it might be a good idea if you read together some good books on doulas and why they are there.

[littlebeagle]

I have a little bit of a different take on things. You sounded like you really wouldn't mind having here there "IF" she can manage her emotions. I don't think it'd be a bad thing to allow your mom to be there. You can always tell her that you need her to be strong/supportive, and if she thinks she's going to do anything that might upset/distract you (you can list some examples), she can just go into the next room at that moment. Just don't give her any crucial jobs. :LOL You'll be pretty busy on the labor & birthing process, so I doubt you'd even notice if she happened to step out. I think she'll understand how important it is that you stay in the right mindset and, if she is prepared beforehand, I have confidence things would be okay. I think it could be managed so everyone is happy both in the moment and later.

[mommyto2]

Not to be argumentative, but if your mother were there, would you be able to relax? Or would you just worry that she would cause some commotion? If my MIL were to be here, I would never relax & would probably end up in the hospital with a highly drugged birth!!! (this is the woman who thinks I drink a lot (one drink per year or less) because when she is around I need a sip of wine... When she mentioned that she thinks I drink a lot, I told her "I only drink when you're around"... I should write a book on what not to say!!)

It is a very tough decision, but remember this is your birth experience & you need it to be for you & your husband... No distractions. No negativity. Especially at home. You chose homebirth for a reason... I chose it so I would be more in control of what happens... My mother was here for our first homebirth & it was wonderful... She was helpful, not disruptive. You are starting your own family & it is not about your mother... It is about you, your husband, & your new perfect baby!!!
Best of luck to you

[pamamidwife]

I have a little bit of a different take on things. You sounded like you really wouldn't mind having here there "IF" she can manage her emotions. I don't think it'd be a bad thing to allow your mom to be there. You can always tell her that you need her to be strong/supportive, and if she thinks she's going to do anything that might upset/distract you (you can list some examples), she can just go into the next room at that moment. Just don't give her any crucial jobs. :LOL You'll be pretty busy on the labor & birthing process, so I doubt you'd even notice if she happened to step out. I think she'll understand how important it is that you stay in the right mindset and, if she is prepared beforehand, I have confidence things would be okay. I think it could be managed so everyone is happy both in the moment and later.


See, I disagree here. I've been at births with high-strung mothers. One mother called 911 immediately when there was a problem and was FREAKING OUT. Nobody told her to call an ambulance!

Your mother is too close to the situation to risk your birth for. You already know in your heart what you need to do. I would say go with your heart. If her feelings are hurt, it's not about YOU, but about how she's feeling about herself.

Set the boundaries. You will not be sorry. However, if you invite her you could seriously end up regretting it - so could everyone else at the birth.

Your birth is something sacred and intimate. Have her over right away after the birth! Have her on food after the birth duty! Call her as soon as the baby is born and have her bring food. :)

[hazelmama]

If you’re comfortable with your SIL and want her support, then I would definitely have her there. But if your intuition (and previous experience) is telling you that your mom’s emotional state will upset you, then I think you really need to heed that and tell your mom “no” even if her feelings are hurt.

One option is to tell mom “no” but not tell her SIL will be there. You could say that the pictures were taken by the “midwife’s assistant.” She doesn’t necessarily need to know that the “assistant” is SIL.

And/or, since your mom’s response sounds like she’s unsure if she can deal with you in pain, I would build on that saying you don’t want to take any chances with the birth and consequently your's & baby’s health/wellbeing if she should react badly. Emphasize that while you appreciate mom’s willingness to be supportive and her emotional ties/love for you (as evidenced by inability to stand seeing you in pain), what you need for the birth is support from someone with a little more emotional objectivity. You are not being selfish by trying to create the most optimal environment to give birth.

Good luck! :hug

[SharonAnne]

Thank you all very much for some great suggestions on dealing with this. :) I just want to reiterate that the decision is MADE. Mom is NOT coming. I just need some way to tell her. :LOL

I would keep it a secret that my SIL is going to be there, but I don't want my SIL to feel that she can't talk about it. KWIM?

I should mention, which I neglected to do in my original post, that my mom had a HORRIBLE experience with me. After a long drawn out painful hospital labor, they ended up knocking her out and using forceps to pull me out. The cord was around my neck, the doctor had to ressucitate me, or some such crap. I can't know for sure what really happened. I mean, I was there, but I'm sure my mind was elsewhere :LOL I do know, though, that she developed a fever and infection from the forceps delivery and couldn't see me for the first three days of my life. Then she wonders why we never really had that "mother/daughter bond".

I know that she honestly believes that having a doctor and being in a hospital saved her life, and mine. And her experience is one of the reasons that I KNOW she's not going to be stable at my delivery. She'll be like the mother a PP was talking about, calling 911. Seriously. :LOL

So, again, the decision is made. She won't be there. Thanks for helping me come up with gentle ways to break it to her. :)

[Boof]

I don't want my mother at my HB either. My advice would be to not make the phone call to say it's time lol However, that won't work for me-- my mother and I live in the same brownstone- I have the upstairs duplex, she has the downstairs duplex, so she's going to know. Heh.

My mom is just a nervous person. I'm trying to think of a job for her to do like taking care of food, but hubby and I are vegan and she's not, so that's pretty much out. I don't really want to invite people over so she can play hostess (which is what she's best at).

Any suggestions about a job she could do that would keep her away from me?

Thanks!

Beth

[mommyto2]

Boof,
Have her get you water or ice or something she has in her place that you don't... send her on towel runs or maybe she could use her dryer to heat up towels or something only she can do in her place that might take some time... or tell her that you want to let her rest as much as possible for most of it, so you will call her when you think the baby is close... then call her when the baby is here so she can see him/her right away & feel like part of it without the disruption... maybe you could tell her it just went so fast you were going to call but dh couldn't miss any part of it...
That's a really tough one!!
best of luck... We are lucky in some ways that we have our own state. Both of our families are one to 12 states away!!

[Mama Lori]

Sharon, you are making the right decision. You have to protect your birth space at all costs. If you mom gets offended, oh well. This is about you and birthing your baby, not about her. The most you can do is politely thank her for her offer and then politely decline. I know too well about having the wrong people there. I knew not to have my mother at my birth, but I did make the mistake of having my in-laws come 1 week after the birth to help. What a nightmare that was. This time around we know better and will not have either of our parents' over until we're ready. And it's not going to be right after birth either! You have to take care of yourself and your family and not be concerned with how other people might take it personally if you don't need their help.

[SharonAnne]

You guys, this is not getting any better. My husband fell off a ladder and broke his foot on Saturday. On Sunday, we went to have dinner at my parents' house. We stayed at my parents' for about five hours. During that time, my sister in law, Erin, called my husband's cell phone twice. Once, to see if we were going to drop by his parents' house before we left town (Paul and I live an hour away, and very rarely visit one set of parents without stopping in to see the other, because they live in the same town) The second time Erin called, was to find out if we were still coming, because it was past the time Paul had told her we'd be there, and she and her husband were going out, but wanted to wait to see him. He had just broken his foot. His family wanted to see him.

Okay, so we left my parents around nine-ish and went to Paul's parents for about an hour, and then went home. Today on the phone, I got a weird vibe from my mom, so I talked to my brother about it via IM, this is what he told me:

"mom says shes hurt cause you seem to be "drifting away" as in picking your in laws over us.....thats not fair to you, you shouldnt have to pick sides....you married into one side just like paul did, so how dare mom try to turn this into a fight.

she said that if she knows someone is visiting someone else, she would never call person 1 unless its an emergancy....and that the only reason you guys left was becuase erin had to go out and you wanted to see her before she left.

I told her that shes being paranoid, silly and over reacting....but considering that moms skull is several layers of kevlar, titanium grade steel, fat and woodchips, I doubt it went through to her brain"

And I'm supposed to somehow deal with telling mom she's not allowed at my HB, but Erin is? I'm going to end up having to tell Erin that we've changed our minds. And that's going to hurt her AND me. But I just don't think I can deal with the fall out from my mother.

Ideas? Suggestions? A shotgun??? :D

[calebsmama03]

Ugh Sharon-anne!!
I feel for you! DH and I live 1000 miles away from both sets of parents (who are in the same area) and it got to the point where we had to ration the minutes every time we visited the area so no one felt "cheated". Then I finally said enough is enough There was fallout, but in the end - with a new grandchild around - it was forgotten. I don't have any advice, just some random mumblings that may or may not help ;)

I did NOT have my mom at my birth for reasons similar to yours. She just doesn't handle it well and since I was planning (and had) an unmedicated birth I knew I needed to feel as relaxed as possible, which was not possible with her there. Although she is an RN with mother/baby experience, she can't handle when her own children are the patient and tends to say and do stupid things that are really quite hurtful. Anyway, she had been saying for YEARS that when I had a baby she WAS going to be there for the birth whether I liked it or not, it was her right as my mother. When the time came, we had a talk about how she tends to not handle those things well and also about how DH and I wanted a chance to bond as a family before ANYONE came to stay with us. It ended up being a fairly easy conversation, and that is what happened (she came when DS was a week old and stayed for a month). I do think she was a little hurt that we had a doula rather than family there, but when we explained WHY we'd chosen that she was fine with it. We did not even let her watch the full birth video ( just the part immediately after DS was born) because she can be so rude and hurtful about those things and I didn't want to deal with that. If your mom is not that way, you could always make her a special tape just for her of the birth so she can still "experience it" after the fact.

Another talk we've had on occasion is that we need each of our family members/friends for certain things. I point out her strengths vs say MIL's strengths and explain why I would always chose to have her present for X situation but that MIL might be better suited for Y. Any chance something like this could work ("we really feel SIL will be an asset to us at the birth because...")? I'd agree with giving her another important "duty" that would be needed soon after so she will feel part of it.

I suppose my last resort would be to keep SIL involved but not tell mom in advance and after the fact it could be that she was over for a visit when you went into labor and you asked her to stay for support.

Good luck. It's a tough situation but I agree with all others who've said it is YOUR birth and you need to have the kind of support you want and need there, it's not a popularity contest! I really do think that once the precious little babe is here, any hard feelings will melt away.

[sunbaby]

sounds to me like you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by your mom. she may mean no harm, but you are trying so hard to protect her feelings that you are considering putting yourself in a very awkward position. you can have who you want at your birth, and if you want erin, have erin. if your mom feels that you are choosing the in laws over her, explain to her its not true, and you love her very much. once you have done that, you cannot be responsible for her paranoid emotional response (not trying to beat up your mom here, i know she is probably wonderful in many ways).

honestly, if it was me, i just wouldnt discuss the issue of who's going to be at the birth with my mom. it is causing you undue stress that you and your baby dont need. you have a right to look forward to the wonderful day your baby enters the world free from worries about how so-and-so is going to feel about it. if you get into a discussion with her about your reasons, she will likely take it personally. if she brings it up, just tell her plain and simple what your plan is, let her know you love her a bunch, and repeat yourself if needed, but dont get any deeper into the topic than that.

i can tell my mom is stung that she is not invited to my homebirth, so i know its no picnic. :hug and yet, if ever there was a day that is MINE, its the day i give birth. when i was pregnant with dd, we had promised SIL she'd be there, and i honestly thought i wanted her there. when i went into labor, it was a different story. sil was shocked and cross when we called her to say 'the baby's born!', but she got over it mighty fast once caught up in the joy of welcoming this wonderful new family member. and we are glad we made the chioces we made. so now i dont make promises to anyone about how i will feel or what/who i'll want when i go into labor.

good luck with however you decide to handle the situation with your mom. sorry its so tough on you right now. keep us posted.

[hawkfeather]

i htink i have been through it all with my mom.. i had the cliche hospital birth with an epidural where she proceded to shush me during every pain.. *cause people would hear*.. at my next birth a planned homebirth I hitn a lot of the reason we transfered was me hearing my mom in the hall way with the midwife loudly and sorta agro saying *this is NOT normal.. no one should be in this amoutn of pain* i even remember the midwife laughing with the backup midwife about it somehting like" awww mommy doesn't like seeing her wittle baby in pain" i think they half encouraged me to transfer to shut her up.. next homebirth she was fine we did transfer again due to a severe pph.. by my fourth i recall very clearly her saying that if we couldn't do a homebirth supported by midwives she would just deliver the baby UC...this time when I informed her i might not want her there (new husband different relationship i think i might want to be alone with him) i got to hear how i am breaking her heart and i am so selfish i would deprive *her* of the birth.. if i ever have another baby I think she migth not find out till after the birth.. hey surprise mom a new grandbaby.. she is great.. helpful in her own way.. but if it is not helpful in *your* way it simply is not helpful...

[darsmama]

I understand your dillemma. I had a whole slew of people invited to my birth. I went into labor and I didnt want ANY of them there.
Looking back, its a great thing I didn't let them come up. I was asking for an epi and to be taking to the hosp. and I dont think anyone else could have dealt with that.

I agree with Sunbaby. This is *your* day. Own it! :thumb

[mommyto2]

Here is a seemingly unrelated story... When I was in high school I had a boyfriend I was trying to break up with. He told me he would kill himself if I did... My mom helped me by telling me that if he chose to kill himself it was because he chose to, not because of me. He ended up calling me 15 years later to apologize for doing that to me & that he was wrong. Point is, your mom is wrong. She has no "right" to be there, This is your family, she is now extended family. You & dh need this to be about you & your new family. If you want SIL there & not mom, just do it. Tell your mom if she asks, but don't tell her you are choosing to have SIL there & not her. Maybe just tell her that you will have a photographer there who will stay in the background. Maybe tell her you are not comfortable having anyone else there & you & dh want a calm relaxing birth. Maybe next time you will invite her depending on how you handle the pain this time... (Just tell her that, I mean)

I wish you so much luck & I know you will make the right decision for yourself & your new family... My mom was great at my birth, but she overstayed her welcome... She has been invited for a set amount of time this time & I told her she needs to let dh feel more in control... (She checked on me to make sure I was breathing in the middle of the night... Got a little crazy)
I will be thinking of you... Just don't let anyone manipulate you into changing your birth plan... It is the greatest experience you will ever have!!

[Ahimsa]

I also had to tell my mother that we were not inviting her to be at the birth of Kai. She was hurt, but she got over it. If you have the least bit of doubt about your mom then she shouldn't be there. I've heard too many accounts of hospital transfers and stalled births because of moms letting someone be there that they weren't feeling 100% about. We didn't even tell anyone, except my SIL who lives in another state, that I was in labor.

Ahimsa

[SharonAnne]

Thank you all so much. This stuff is exactly what I needed to hear.

My best friend just came down with PUPPP and she thinks that it might be related to the stress that she's having about whether or not to have her mom at her HB. I so don't want that to be me.

Right now, I think things are a bit better, because I asked her if she could come a couple days a week to watch the baby once I go back to work (the other days, I can take the baby with me, or work from home :)) She's so excited about that, I think I could go murder a bunch of people and still be the perfect daughter :LOL

Of course, this still resolves nothing about the HB, but I'll figure something out, I'm sure. Thanks again for all your suggestions. :D