Too cool for rules, What would you do?

[4cuddlebugs]

I am really frustrated with a situation concerning my dd. She is 10- will be 11 in Oct.
We have a neighbor who has an 8 yr old dd w/whom my dd played with regularly since we moved here until about 2 wks ago. I asked my dd why they hadn't been playing together anymore and she gave me some story about the older brothers of her friend telling their mom that dd had called A(neighbor friend) a lesbian. I asked dd if she had siad anything like that and she said no. I told dd that I thought she should talk to A's mom and clear this up but she refused.
Well, dd told dh a different story about all this. We asked her to tell us truthfully what happened and she sort of skated around the topic but said 'all I said was I was glad that A wasn't a lesbian and I am glad I don't know any lesbians' Well I explained to her that I didn't understand why the subject had come up at all and she whined that she didn't remember. I also explained that what she said was not a very nice thing to say and that she knew a few lesbians and that she liked them, that they were people just like anyone else. She was embarrased at hearing this.
Well after this discussion, my dh and dd walked over to talk to A's mom. It turns out that dd had gone into some detail of what a lesbian is and that she had also bribed A's older brother not to tell their mom about the discussion.
DD also discussed getting a period with A a couple weeks earlier and had been asked by A's mom to not discuss things like that with her daughter. So she, dd, had been talked about this before by A's mom and myself.
Well our neighbor, A's mom, is not letting A play w/dd anymore. Period. She won't back down.
I am frustrated because my dd is setting her own rules and not respecting others boundaries. She acts like she has some special priviledge that allows her to disregard rules and boundaries in favor of 'showing off' in front of friends. I know that this is somewhat age related but she has been spoken to MANY times about this behavior even to the point of being grounded and areas of house being out of bounds for extended periods of time (because she was 'showing off' by getting into things that were not hers and leaving them laying about and sneaking them into her room).
My best idea right now is to write out an assignment for her- a 2 page essay defining respect, boundaries, why rules need to be followed, etc. I would expect schoolwork quality and would require it to be finished before she is allowed to play w/friends again. I am also thinking she should give a copy to A's mom along with a note of apology concerning the issue at hand.
Is this too tough? I am really not getting anywhere talking to her and she doesn't take it seriously. I am definitely not willing to put up with this behavior much longer, stage or no stage.

So my question, if you have gotten this far-thanks for listening, is
What would you do?

Thanks again for reading and for any input any wise mommas might have for me.

[marymom]

smiling lots and lots here
I have a daughter just like that! thankfully we have no neighbors like that tho!
I have 3 daughters(and 3 sons) but one in particiular, the youngest daughter, my Saraih, does stuff like that, and I could hear her saying, much to my dismay, the peer pressured BS about the lesbian comment too :( shes made comments like that before, then we discuss them, I havent heard anything lately, its peer pressure wierdness I think-
What I would do, and my emphasis on I, is not neccesarily what works best for you- but I would let her suffer her own consequences(not being able to play with A) and try and provide her with enough support that she feels comfortable discussing the lesbian stuff without being rendering to some kind of wierd peer pressure crap where they talk like...to be accepted or cool- and dont say what they really believe ...? that part would bother me the most- as for others boundaries? sometimes other people have boundaries that might be...unclear or not seem...consistent with ...ours and when those people interact with us, the boundaries change or maybe ours do or something, I dont know, but at your DD age I dont think she was discussing anything that out of line ...I personally would not add consequences to the event more than she is already experiencing,
blessings :)

[4cuddlebugs]

Well neighbors mom is giving dd another chance and I am glad of that as I thought she was being a bit strict. BUT the issue is not resolved w/dd because this is an ongoing problem. This is just the last of many recent incidences. But she has been getting consequences that are outside of her family unit. So I hoping that she is realizing that rules and boundaries aren't just arbitrary crap her parents throw at her but are part of real life. And that is what this all comes down to is her learning how her actions effect her in real life. Right?
She has been working on an essay for us- and protested a bit about it but she is doing a prety good job on it. I think that she needs more emphasis on the importance of boundaries and that she does not have to agree with others boundaries but she does have to abide them. I always find writing things down helps to imprint them in my mind, I am hoping for a similar effect with dd.
We will see in the long run. Oh the joys of pre-adolescence.
I know that it is hard for dd too. That age can be so confusing and indeed that need to fit in and be liked really kicks in.
I appreciate your input Marymom. We have talked to her about the natural consequence she faced in ignoring A's moms request. I think it struck a cord, ;like I said we shall see!

[marymom]

I really like the idea of having a child write about issues, I use that too sometimes :) and Im glad she can play with her friend again too- thanks for sharing all this -

[4cuddlebugs]

I find that I am learning right along w/dd only my lessons are on how to help her learn lessons I have already learned.
Our school district is sponsoring a Parenting w/Love and Logic seminar in Oct. It lasts for 4 wks, one evening/wk and it only costs $10! I am excited to have the opportunity and to learn some new techniques/ideas for the next phase in dd's life. I am finding that this pre-adolescent phase is harder than any so far. I am sure the seminar will also help w/my darling boys ages 2 and 4.

[Sierra]

By the way, does she have an outlet to have healthy discussions about affectionality and periods and that kind of stuff? Sounds like she really could use some kind of outlet besides her parents. It really helped that I took a sexuality course through my church when I was a kid just slightly older than her, one that affirmed the inherent worth and dignity of all people and gave me lots of room for healthy discussions with my peers within certain boundaries.