OK... I'm not sure how to explain this, it might be one of those things you have to actually witness to comment on, but I'll do my best so please bear with me.

Maybe it would be best to give a few examples of what I'm talking about. I'll get on with it, lol.

In Target today, DS was puttering around, squeezing some little rolls of ribbon. I said it was time to go, we had to hurry or we wouldn't have time to go play at McDonald's. (I know, I know... :bag: It's winter, our options are limited, yk?) He still kept puttering, ignoring me. I repeated my request. He still ignored me. I got down to his eye level and touched his shoulder and told him I felt like he wasn't listening to what I was saying, and that was frustrating me. I said we didn't have to go play at McD's, but if he wanted to, we needed to leave. I said I wanted him to let me know he had heard what I had said. At this point, he stopped what he was doing, and said "I hug you and kiss you," which he did, then he said, "You are happy?" I said I was fine, I just wanted to know he was listening. We left the store.

He does stuff like this ALL THE TIME. We had a big thing about his carseat a while ago (he wouldn't get in) and now he almost always gets in right away, and says something like "I got right in my car seat, you are happy." Or, "I cooperated, you maybe going to be happy," when he does something we've had conflict about in the past. I swear, I don't freak out on him, I almost never even yell, unless I'm really losing my cool which does happen but not often. But he always talks about how I was "very mad" about something he did - this kind of upsets me, because I try to be calm and I think I usually succeed, lol. It's true I do sometimes get irritated and may sound annoyed if I have asked him to do something 3 times without any response, but he seems to interpret that as me getting "very mad" and then he thinks it's his job to kiss me and hug me and make me happy again. I would think he's doing it to manipulate me, but he always does what I am asking him to do at this point.

I'm worried that I have made him feel like my emotions are his responsibility or something. I really don't know how I have done this, I don't lay guilt trips on him or anything! I do sometimes tell him if I am frustrated or getting impatient or whatever, like in the Target example, and we had a problem with hitting for a while and I let him know that it hurt me and made me sad, but he was doing this before that. Could it be wrong to tell him how his actions make me feel? I can see how this might get heavy handed but I have asked several people if I am over the top in this way and nobody seems to think I am. I have also asked if I seem angry with DS a lot and nobody thinks I do. So I am at a loss.

Is this a problem? Maybe I have an ultra empathetic kid? Or am I emotionally manipulating him and setting him up for feeling like everybody else's problems are his fault?

Actually, I think this is normal and common. Looking at your DS's age, this is about the same time my DS did a very similar thing and also several other parents I know have mentioned this as well. I had a friend who was being driven nutz by her DD always asking her, "are you happy?"

At any rate, I was just very honest about my feelings with DS. When he'd ask me if I was happy at any given moment, I would just be honest, "Um, well right now I'm feeling frustrated because we are late for our appointment and traffic is heavy." I kept my tone matter of fact. There were times he'd ask after we'd have a "moment." Um, like say I got angry because he was crushing cheddar bunnies into the carpet... we'd get through it and then the "are you happy" questions would start coming out. Sometimes I've was over it and sometimes not. I'd usually tell him something like, "Well, I was feeling frustrated that you smashed crackers into the carpet, but we cleaned it up and now we're reading a book together and I feel pretty good." I think is helped him to know that we all have lots of different feelings and even if they are strong feelings, they don't stay, we get over it, etc.

I think some might argue that telling kids how you feel about their actions can be "putting them in charge" of your feelings, but I've always tended to think that it is important for them to learn that their actions do in fact, effect you, and others. I keep things as matter of fact as possible for sure, but I've always made it a habit to discuss feelings and I believe this is why DS does the same. I think this age is really about getting the 'feelings' sorted out, which is which and how one person's actions can effect another, and so on. I remember during this stage as well, DS would stop in the middle of playing and sit down next to me and say, "Mama, I just like to sit down and talk about my feelings." Ah, to think of it makes my heart melt!

If you're concerned about him taking too much responsibility for your feelings, you might try adding to your answers something he can relate it to, "Yes, I felt frustrated when you didn't listen. Remember yesterday when you were trying to talk to me when I was on the phone. I wasn't listenting and it made you feel frustrated. But you didn't stay frustrated because once I was off the phone, I could listen to what you wanted to say..." Basically, letting him know that his feelings count as do everyone elses...

At any rate, my .02 for what it's worth.

The best,
Em

Thanks for your response, Embee.

I do the same thing - sometimes DS will hug me and kiss me after he smacks me in the face, and ask me if I'm happy. :eyesroll If I'm not over it, I tell him so. I usually say something like "Sometimes when someone is sad or angry it takes them a while to feel better. But you apologized, and that helps."

He also will do stuff like grab something out of my hand, then ask me if I'm going to cry. If I tell him I don't like when he grabs things from me but I'm not going to cry, he *tells* me to cry, lol. So I can see how it's all interrelated as a kind of "figuring out emotional responses" thing.

Embee had great suggestions. My DD is a lot like this, too.

Nathan does that exact same thing! And I've been concerned about it, too. Not the "OMG, I have to change" kind of concern, but the under the surface nagging kind.

Embee - thank you for your clarity! When ds asks "Are you happy now?" I usually tell him why I was frustrated before, and that I'm happy when he cooperates.

He says something now that really cracks me up. If we run across a tense moment, when things settle down he says "Now let's laugh!" He laughs and expects me to laugh with him. Then he says "Now we're happy!"

The emotional growth of 2 and 3 year olds is just amazing to me.

I have been kind of wondering the same thing. DD says things like "Mommy, you not ANGRY at me? Mommy, you happy to me?" sometimes several times a day. Like she'll be falling asleep and say Mommy's not angry at me, mommy is happy to me..

?? Now, sure I lose my temper now and then and get frustrated, but I am not a screamer, and when I do feel angry, I say something like "Nanni, you poured your milk all over the floor and now I have to clean it up, and Mommy is not feeling very happy about that." I don't think I have ever said "I am angry at you!" once, or very rarely, because I remember *I* was always worried about my mom getting mad at me. And really, I am very patient and usually laugh things off, so I, too, wonder where it comes from.

Maybe it is just our kids getting used to emotions. We talk about how it is ok to feel angry, and how everyone feels angry sometimes, and then they feel better. I try and be honest with her if I am frustrated, I figure better tell her the truth rather than hide it as my mom did and act all cold and resentful.

DC does this as well. Seems like a 'normal' step to me.

My oldest did that, too. I didn't lie to him, I told him that I was upset or mad if I was, but let him know that it is okay to feel that way. I didn't want him to think that being mad if someone did something that hurt you physically or hurt your feelings was bad in some way. I mean, I do want my children to take responsibility when they cause someone else physical or emotional pain. My mom was a big guilt-tripper and it had the opposite effect on me. I think I'm less empathetic because of it because I worry that I'm being manipulated the way that mom manipulated me. So I'm not a guilt-tripper and I don't yell, but I do let my kids know when I'm upset with them and I let them know why. I also let them know that I won't be angry or upset forever and I let them know when the feeling has passed if they seem really worried about it.

Goo does this too. When I was pregnant with Moo, she would get upset at prenatal visits because she didn't want to dr to hurt me.

When I get angry, she offers to allow me to listen to some of my music which will cheer me up.

Oh wow! Can I just say that reading this has happened with others at least makes me feel minimally better. dd is always saying "mommy's angry" or "mommy's frustrated," sometimes accurately, sometimes not (but usually accurately). It really made me feel like a horses a@@. I think I said one time that I was frustrated because she wasn't listening to me and man did she latch on to that.

I will keep reading 'cause I want ideas too!

I feel so much better after reading everyone's responses. It's good to know my parenting isn't emotionally damaging him! (At least not in this way. ;)) Thanks for the feedback.

I do the same thing - sometimes DS will hug me and kiss me after he smacks me in the face, and ask me if I'm happy. :eyesroll If I'm not over it, I tell him so. I usually say something like "Sometimes when someone is sad or angry it takes them a while to feel better. But you apologized, and that helps."

Oh, I like the wording you use here, a lot.

He also will do stuff like grab something out of my hand, then ask me if I'm going to cry. If I tell him I don't like when he grabs things from me but I'm not going to cry, he *tells* me to cry, lol. So I can see how it's all interrelated as a kind of "figuring out emotional responses" thing.

Something else that I thought of when we were going through this... I do think most kids go through the whole "working out the emotions" period most likely for plain informative reasons. The fact is, in most cases, OUR reactions to any given situation are quite a bit different from theirs even though the emotions might be the very same. Kids intensely emotional, at times irrational, and usually quite clear (if not LOUD :D) about their feelings (tears, screaming, etc). As adults, we tend to be more calm (on my good days that is :rolleyes). It takes a lot more for us to react to things in an intense way. With them, it's usually pretty clear how they are feeling at any given moment. With us? Well, I think we're for the most part, much more difficult to read. With that, I always make sure to tell DS that his tears when he's (mad/sad/frustrated) are normal and good. Never underestimate the value of a good cry. Indeed!

The best,
Em