Oh no, what have I just gotten myself into? I have just inadvertantly agreed to go with a friend while she gets her 4 mo's ears pierced. Aaargh!

She called and asked me if I wanted to meet her at the mall (it's pouring here), to let the kids run around and go to the bookstore. I told her sure, and we agreed on a time. Then she said, "Oh good you can be there to hold my hand while I get ****'s ears pierced." I was stunned -- she and I talked about piercing kids about a month or so ago. I had just read the thread on Mothering and realized for many reasons that I personally wasn't comfortable with it, and she and I discussed it in a totally respectful way and agreed to disagree. I did suggest that maybe a professional piercer was the way to go if she was certain she wanted to do it (based on great info here on Mothering), but she knew where I stood, and I knew where she stood and that was that. So now today I feel like she totally manipulated me into this. I said to her, "Oh way to slide that in there at the end" and she just laughed and brushed it off.

Well anyway, I am feeling really torn because she's asking for me to support her in something she knows I don't agree with. What would you guys do? She already knows I am available to meet her, and I did say I am not comfortable with watching her pierce her dd's ears, but I just feel so manipulated. I know I can tell her straight out, forget it, but I think in some ways I feel like she totally disregarded my feelings -- if she wants to pierce her kid's ears, that's something she has to live with, but I feel so manipulated. Aaargh. What would you do?

That was not a cool thing for her to do, especially since she knows how you feel about it. I would just call and say that you'd love to meet her, but you can't be there for the ear piercing -- it would just be too upsetting for you.

If it were me, I'd probably have to call back and come up with an excuse not to go. It's pretty lame, but there is no way I could handle that. I'd feel so badly for the baby and to witness it would just break my heart. If she knows how you feel about it, how can she expect you to just sit there and watch? At first I was going to say that I would go and come up with something to do while the baby is getting pierced, like maybe say, "oh, i need to go to the bathroom, I'll meet you after you are finished" or something like that, but then you'd have to see the poor baby with the red ears and crying and everything. I couldn't take it so I'd probably be a coward and call her back and say that something came up and now I can't go. I'd blame it on my husband or something like that. I know it's probably not the best advice, but in a pinch that's what I would do. I guess you could be honest but that might end up causing hurt feelings and she already knows how you feel.

Ick,

I too have a friend who keeps wanting me to support her in stuff I don't agree with. It's not fun.

I'm bad with conflict, so I'd probably make an excuse why I could't go.

So sorry you have to deal with that. Yuck.

I would call her and say that you will be glad to meet up to play, but you will not help her with the ear peircing.

You disagree with it and you think you would be too upset to be near it.

You can't change her mind, but you don't need to be witness to it.

I would also explain to her (when kids aren't around) that you felt really taken by her adding that in...

I would call her right now and tell her you don't want to meet today. That is true. She knows why. If she asks, be honest - you have different opinions about piercing infants' ears and you cannot change her mind but you also should not be asked to watch it.

Honestly, I think YOU agreed to disagree. She is being manipulative and selfish. I'd hang with better friends...

Thanks everyone for your honest and heartfelt responses. I was really torn about it and agreed to take her older child and my ds to a play area, but would not be a witness to her dd's pain (fwiw, her ds didn't want to be there either, and even said to her, "she doesn't need it mommy, she just a baby" -- words of wisdom from a three yo :thumb ). Anyway, her poor dd was terrified of being restrained and having two guns held to her head. It took her 45 min. to calm down -- she even refused to nurse. My friend didn't bring her out of the store until after she calmed down, but even she (my friend) looked battle-weary, and herself used words like torture. I found out after all of this that her own dh, although he agreed to get it done, refused to be there when it happened -- boy did I feel even more taken advantage after that. All in all, though, I am glad I could support her *son* through it -- he really felt so bad for his sister, and I'm glad I was there for *him*. Thanks again everyone for helping me to see that I'm not the only one who has a hard time with this sort of thing.

tell her it would make you too squeamish and it would just freak you out too much. tell her you can meet her after the event or on another day. If she flips out or demands you come too, then she's not a friend.

she probably didn't manipulate you, she probably just doesn't think it's a big deal. I pierced all my girls' ears except for the one with eczema (lucky her I bet you're thinking! ;) ) and I didn't think it was a big deal. So if I had asked a non-piercer to accompany me, I probably just wouldn't have understood or wouldn't have thought that it would freak them out, since it seems so non-freaky to me.

still she could have been more thoughtful.

It is a good thing you were there for the brother. I think you have a big heart. It is so hard to understand the seemingly "coldness" with which some moms can carry on. 45 minutes of crying? uhgggggg! That is soo mean i think. I do thnk it would be best to tell her she appeared to manipulate you. I hope your not witnessing it and not supporting her perhaps alerted something in her for the future.
~L

Poor baby :( How selfish of her, did she get her ears pierced at the same time so she would at least know what pain her dd was in? And poor big brother, knowing it was mommy's choice to pierce her dd's ears and thereby hurt her :( I'm sorry your friend put you and her family through this. :angry

:jaw wow! well it's done I guess. And they used the guns? That is not the most sanitary way to pierce. oh well too late now. I gotta say I don't htink I could have gone, but I'm glad her ds had support.

Poor baby. Poor you.

Thanks everyone for your responses and support. Just as an update, so far I think everything is going okay as far as healing is concerned, so at least that is one good thing. And thanks again for your input! It's nice to know I am not alone in my thinking.

FWIW I doubt she realized you feel so strongly about it. In situations like that it's better to keep it lighthearted and say, "no way! I'll be in the food court!" I wouldn't pierce a baby's ears or help either but I also wouldn't get into a whole serious discussion about it. Things like that can be really negative in a friendship. I don't think she was being manipulative. She could just as easily not have mentioned it until you were at the mall- it wasn't a big deal to her, as it isn't to most people. Glad you sailed through ok. :)

I just find it incredible that stabbing holes in her daughters ears was so important to her that she put her daughter (& herself) through that. Especially while the rest of her family was somewhat opposed.

Though it is over now, I would have gone with "I don't agree with what you're doing, and I won't be part of it. We will have to catch up another time."

Glad you chose not to be present. That would have been upsetting to watch.

I don't know if your friend was really being as manipulative as you say - people sometimes don't want to hear opinions other than their own and minimize the other opinion to make themselves feel better. She probably thought it was no big deal.

Her poor baby. Regardless of my own opinions about piercing a baby's ears (I know it is a cultural thing for some people, and do not want to get into an argument about it!), the fact of the matter is she let her child be terrified and upset for nearly an hour for something completely unnecessary. I can't imagine doing that. It seems so selfish to me.