HELP! baby shower/mom-in-law problems

[counterGOPI]

I just don't know what to do. I have tried explaining a million times to my mom-in-law about our natural methods of child raising but she WON'T listen.She still tries to give me advice that i wont use b/c it goes against what i believe,but thats a whole other matter....

She's planning a baby shower and i was happy about that, i asked her when she would want a list of what we need and what to NOT buy. she told me not to give her a list b/c the ppl shes inviting will only want to give presents they see fit to give. and she told me shes getting us a stroller after i told her a million times i am not using a stroller,only a sling. ahhhhhhhhhh!!! i am about to tell her to cancel the whole things all together but the thing is that we dont have that much money and could really use the gifts we need you know? how can i talk to someone whose like talkign to a wall? how can i get her to understand and take us seriously. i know i need to fix this matter now before the baby is born and she tries to give it meat or a pacifer or something else i absolutely dont want the baby having.
has anyone else had this problem? what can i do? please i beg you for help before i go insane!!! i am sorry for venting, it felt kind good actually!ha,ha.
<3
nicole

[Galatea]

Actually, it will be easier (I think) when the baby is born and she can see you parenting it. Right now she cannot imagine it. (Yes, I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.) When we were pg with ds, we knew we were going to be very different parents than my in-laws, but we just didn't talk about it b/c we knew they wouldn't take us seriously. My husband helped a lot after ds was born by just not taking the bait when his mom would say something about our parenting choices. People love to tell you that you don't know what you are talking about when you are just pregnant.

That having been said, you should really reconsider not getting a stroller. A stroller is great for holding your bag, drink, coat, etc. while you sling the baby. Otherwise you couldn't do anything meaningful while carrying the baby, purse, etc. and wearing a coat. All of us said we would not get strollers and we all ended up using them. See this thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=251414&highlight=strollers

As for the shower presents issue, this is what I would do: I would register wherever you like, or on-line. Your MIL may not realize that people really do like direction when buying presents. You may get asked, or she may get asked, if you are registered. Then at least you will have an answer. If that doesn't help, and you still get stuff you don't want, you could return it all to a baby superstore for store credit, and buy an awesome carseat or piece of furniture or lots of clothes or whatever you want. As long as a store carries an item, they will generally give you at least store credit.

[Quindin]

What Lilli said :thumb

[Red Sonja]

And keep in mind that unwanted strollers and other gifts you don't need can be exchanged for things that you do need. ;) :thumb

Like the big ol' bag of sposies I was given that was exchanged for a wipes warmer for my cloth wipes. :)

[ctdoula]

Strollers make great shopping carts at the mall while you sling your babe ;)

At this point, I'd probably just accept the gifts and exchange/return what you can of the things you don't want. You'll probably end up a ton of clothes, which can always be exchanged for bigger sizes (people tend to go crazy w/the tiny stuff, but hey, clothes are ALWAYS needed).


Oh, as for the MIL stuff, when she starts spouting off advice, hand her a notebook & pen & tell her your memory is terrible these days & you'd love to have her write things down for you to have to refer to later ;)

[sarajane]

Yes, what they said. Exchange or return and get a registry.

I have found that I have to register, my mom said that people are even asking which things to get off the registry! Most people will want to know what you want or need. Even if they still give you something extra you don't want just take it back.

[momileigh]

The thing is, you don't know what you're going to use until you have your baby and the need arises. I wasted hundreds of dollars on different kinds of slings, only to have none of them work out and my dd prefer the stroller. I insisted all day long to everyone who offered me a swing that I didn't want it, and then ended up using it because it was the only place I had to put my dd down, and surprise surprise: I didn't want to hold and carry her every single second of the day. Trying to do that made me very achy and miserable.

On the flip side of the coin, even though I was cloth-diapering, I still thought I would need disposable wipes. (Why cloth wipes seemed like such a hassle, I can't figure out for the life of me.) So I had a ton I never used. Also, never used a onesie. Some people swear by them; I found them to be annoying. I used the baby bathtub exactly one time. I used the diaper pail for one day, then switched to a regular hamper and sold the pail for 1/3 the new price.

SO, I guess I'm saying that I would just accept the gifts I am given. If it is something you know for an absolute fact you will not use (example: my mother gave me a very expensive crib set... she was shocked to learn we would use no crib) you can return it and get something you know you want, or store credit to save until a need arises. Otherwise, keep it in the box until your baby is old enough and you know you either want to try it or never will. But, and prove me wrong if you want, I will bet you will be glad to have a stroller. And maybe even a swing or bouncy seat. Perhaps you will even succumb to the EVIL PACIFIER. (I did... she used it for a couple of weeks, was/still is a champion nurser, and it saved my sanity.) Don't worry, you'll be a wonderful mother anyway!!!!

[Kerrie]

I think that everyone answered the shower part really well. As for the MIL part? As much as I don't like my MIL and I refuse to believe that she likes me she never has interfered in our parenting choiced - raised her eyebrows yes, but not said anything. I don't know about you but I didn't leave my kids with ANYONE for months - or at least my first and my second was out of necessity. So, it would not have been an issue for me with the pacifier or meat thing. I have learned over time that I need to try to let things go with my MIL because they ususally work out the wayt that I wanted given enough time. Good luck and I hope that you are able to work things out.

[Bethla]

I agree with the idea of registering somewhere. You can pick out things you think you'll need and then if you have to you can exchange them. You can even request gift cards. I'm so sorry you have an MIL that won't listen to your feelings. Your shower is for you not her!

[Kirsten]

I understand that you want the things you'll need - especially if money is tight. But also it may be likely that your MIL grew up in the era before registries and thinks that requesting certain gifts is tacky. I agree with you that it is merely practical - but she doesn't see it that way. I would register at some mainstream places like Target or Babies/Toys R Us or JCPenney just so you can refer people who ask. If your MIL balks, tell a few friends, cousins, etc. so the word can get out.

And I totally agree with the above posters who said you may rethink your no stroller stance later. I had very strong feelings that dd1 would have no binky, no bottle, etc. I was rolling my eyes even at cards and wrapping paper that had binkies and bottles on them - not in front of shower guests of course - mainly in my mind... :) And she did not (have binkies or bottles). We used cloth diapers (diaper service - loved that!) Dd2 had colic and the binky was the only thing that got us some shred of sanity for four months. She still screamed but it took the edge off every now and then. Dd3 had a terrible latch and we used formula about half the time as I was in such terrible pain that I thought it would be merciful to kill me and put me out of my misery. Dd3 also has not had any cloth diapers as we are on the go so much with three kids and different schedules (elementary, preschool, dance, piano, etc.) that it just wasn't practical.

Just saying that I would try to gratefully accept whatever people bought. Use what you want and return/exchange the rest. But I wouldn't return until after baby is born and you know what you actually will be using. Sometimes the baby doesn't get the memo and needs some of the stuff that we think we are against.

Congrats on your upcoming baby! And take heart that once that baby is born, your MIL will likely be nicer as you have custody of her precious grandchild.... :)

[eminer]

Oh, as for the MIL stuff, when she starts spouting off advice, hand her a notebook & pen & tell her your memory is terrible these days & you'd love to have her write things down for you to have to refer to later ;)

:LOL I LOVE this idea!!!

Just want to back you (OP) up a bit on the items you do not want. I can't imagine keeping large items (e.g. stroller, swing) around my apartment "just in case" I have the unusual baby who is not ok with the alternatives. And in reality, when you don't have these things around, you tend to think of ways of putting baby down or carrying your stuff that do not require them. When I was pg the first time, I got *so* sick of people telling me what was *really* going to happen. If it doesn't feel right to you, it is better to keep it away. Right now nurturing your calm, warm, confident feelings is more important than being prepared for every technological eventuality.

If your MIL hasn't invited anyone yet and you can still graciously bow out and it will not create an unpleasant eternal enmity in the family, I'd go for it! Your family will probably still give you gifts -- e.g. lots of baby clothes and blankets -- if you don't have a shower. (Keep in mind that they often do this at the last minute or even *after* baby is born, so it is often good to buy the absolute minimum of these things until you know for sure.) If you can't do that, I think it is fine to thank everyone sincerely, then give away or return anything you don't want. I always feel bad about that, but I realized I was being ridiculous when I had to come up with creative organizing solutions to work around things like a bouncy seat (absolutely never used) and boxes of outfits I couldn't fit in dd's drawer. Try not to feel guilty about enjoying it when your MIL notices that you no longer have the stroller she gave you. :D

[mmgarda]

My MIL is very similar. When I was pg w/ #1, she was constantly telling me what we HAD to have (a swing, a certain cradle, a this, a that, etc.). For the things I felt strongly about, I just politely said no until I thought my lips would fall off.

Now my inlaws don't even ask because they don't want to hear the no. It makes me totally BONKERS, but it's just as easy to return it all and use the money the way I want as it is to argue with them. (For example, we now have almost $200 in credit at Babies/Toys R Us from unwanted Christmas gifts. I know we'll find ways to spend that over the next few years!)

As for the shower, I definitely recommend registering. Somewhere mainstream is helpful to the gift giver (and yes, I feel like they should give you what you WANT, but some people just don't get it), but you can also register at many great alternative places online. Get the word out to any friends and family you feel comfortable telling and go ahead and tell your MIL. If she balks, just tell her that some friends asked you to, or something like that.

Last suggestion: try to keep in mind your hormonal state and know that this is just the beginning of your parenting journey and the way you will interact with your in-laws. It will keep changing.

Good luck to you!! :thumb

[mightymoo]

.All I can think to add to the wonderful advice given is that you don't need to convince your MIL right now that your parenting style is best - it is your baby and you will be in control, so I wouldn't bother trying to explain it to MIL unless I had to. Don't worry about an infinite future of possibilities like whether MIL will give the child a pacifier, etc now - there is nothing that can be done. Wait and see how your MIL is - you may be surprised. On the shower, I lucked out and didn't get a lot of stuff I didn't want because my shower was held across the country from where I live, so no one was going to spontaneously buy me a swing to carry home on the plane.

[counterGOPI]

Thank you so much for all of your responses! i registered at some local stores where she lives (she lives in PA) and after our tour in korea here we'll be in VA. so hopefully thatll help. and and my seeing me stress out over this my husband called her and spoke with her about our baby,after an hour he thinks he got through to her. we compromised on the stoller b/c DH said maybe hell prefer that instead of the sling.and he explained to her about looking in books before she buys them (so we don't get book promoting meat or zoos or anything exploiting animals) and we stuck with a cow theme for pl to buy things. we figured cow items should be pretty safe unless they are on mcdonald's farm... but anyways, maybe its just that my hormones have calmed down now or that my DH cam to my rescue but im ok with returning and selling unwanteds. as for her feeding the baby meat or anything we are against he sadly had to make it clear that if that ever happens she wont see the little bean again.sad we had to do that but that should drive the point home. and i am so using the idea of her writin things down for me,ha,ha. i love that!ok i need to run. thank you again everyone!!!!!
<3,
Nicole
p.s. i just got back from my 1st ultrasound.. it was amazing! i saw lil bean kick and throw fists around!!

[mmgarda]

I'm glad you were able to come up with a solution for the interim. I think it's really great that your DH has taken the time to talk to his mother about the issues. I know that having my DH 'take my side', so to speak, made a really big difference for me and helped me realize that part of my angst was worry about whether I would have to be battling both my DH and my MIL. It makes a big difference!

Congrats on seeing the bean!