having mixed feelings (downer post)

[Feathere]

Hi,
This is not a very nice topic, but I don't have anyone to discuss my feeling with, and thought someone might sympathize.

I am having mixed feelings about being pregnant.

I feel like an ogre saying this. We were ttc; I had 21 months of nursing infertility, had one af, and then conceived. I am just 6 weeks pg, so maybe the feelings will pass. Of course I want the baby. I already love the baby. My initial response was delight and joy. It lasted a couple days, and then it hit me: my DD won't be my baby anymore. We won't have all our private mama/daughter time anymore. I won't be able to give the new baby all the attention I gave DD. We still nurse, and I can tell she is cutting down already. I guess my main feeling is one of loss, not joy, and I did not expect to have these feelings. I feel guilty about taking myself away from DD with this pregnancy, even though I had been wanting another baby since I brought her home.

Does this make sense to anyone? I pray that these feelings will pass as I adapt to the changes.

thanks for listening.

Heather

[Slackermom]

I, too, am pg with my second, so I can't tell you anything from personal experience. I do have many friends, however, who have felt exactly what you're describing when they became pg with their second (or subsequent) babies. They've told me how once the initial joy about the positive pg test waned, they felt fear, and doubt, and cried over how it would affect their relationship with the first born. I think this is a natural reaction. We've had our first babes all to ourselves (and vice versa) for all this time, and it's hard to imagine having a new little person there. Almost feels like cheating, doesn't it?

I think if we're honest, most people will admit there are usually mixed feelings with a new pregnancy. With my first, I was elated, but also worried about whether I was ready, how my life would change, etc. This time, I have the same misgivings you describe. Our lives our about to change, again, and our hearts will get bigger as well as our bellies. I'm sure your doubts will pass, and that all will be well.

[Goldiemom]

Heather you are not alone! I felt that way when I found out I was pg with dd, and when I found out I was pg this time. First I was TOTALLY excited, and then terrified that there wouldn't be enough of me to go around. There will be. It will be different, but you will be able to give the new baby all the attention it needs and still have time to spend with your precious dd. :Hug

[farmlife]

I wanted to chime in that I understand what you are saying. It has been a difficult adjustment mentally, and we ttc this child and of course I love and adore. At 19 weeks, I'm starting to get a glimpse of what people mean when they talk about having enough for both. Now that the baby is moving at a pretty regular rate, she/he has become more of a separate entity in my mind and my feelings are evolving to appreciate my 2 children. It is not H. and me and then this outsider it is H. and me and a little brother/sister. Muddled my post is. It is a difficult thing to ponder.

[CarolynnMarilynn]

I felt many of these feelings with my kids. Both that the first was being bumped by the baby, and that the second wouldn't get one on one attention. Then, it hit me, they aren't losing out, they are getting a SIBLING! What joy in having a sibling. So while things may be different parenting two than one, the benefits of a sibling outweight the benefits of a single child (IMHO).. My kids are sitting behind me as I type this, playing together so nicely. They are blessed to have each other. Should something happen to us....

[RyvreWillow]

Right on!

I was an only child, and it was sooo lonely. Whenever i think about all the things and time my kids "have" to share, i try to also remember they "get" to share those things :)

You don't divide your love, it simply grows. So maybe time isn't so forgiving, but they get to spend their time together too :) We adapt, and find so many more blessings than losses.

[matts_mamamama]

Just wanted to say you're not alone on the mixed feelings. Just today I was cuddling with my son and I had a panic attack that these moments are fleeting faster than I want them to and that it's MY fault. I honestly believe that once the baby is here (or heck, even when I feel more pregnant) it will get better. Everyone says your heart simply grows bigger for the next baby...I'm counting on it!

[KayleeZoo]

I agree w/all of the pp's. I felt those things especially when I got pg w/my 2nd, and now that I'm pg w/my 3rd, a lot of them are re-surfacing again. I know that part of it is hormones, and I think it's all normal. Be gentle with yourself and let whatever feelings come, come. :hug

[Adamsmama]

Wow...I had these same feelings not too long ago. I got pg with #2 a year ago and he is now a little over 3 months old. I was scared and frustrated/confused/didn't know if I would be able to be a good mama to two babies. My two kids are 22 months apart. It really has been great. The hardest time was right after he was born I was a little stressed. I love seeing my older son interact with the "bebe" as he calls him. :) It will be alright...in no time the 2nd little one will become part of your family.

[farmer mama]

Yep, these feelings are totally normal. They even talk about this in my midwifery textbooks. Good for you and the rest of the mommas for coming out and talking about this. I am on my 3rd child, and have experienced some ambivalence and worry about our expanding family, but it is comforting to know that this is something many moms experience. It will pass, and I completely agree with CM that having a sibling will enrich your child's life. My kids are so connected and have such a great time together. RW is right on about how your love isn't divided between two, it actually grows. I was really worried about this when we were pregnant with #2 because my connection with #1 was so strong and she needed so much, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to give her everything she needed after the baby came. But it all worked out, and I think things like the family bed and tandem nursing were really helpful to allow #1 to hold on to some aspects of her babyhood until she was ready to let go. And your second child wilm get everything it needs as well. I just put #2 in the sling and chased #1 around, nursed when he needed, we all slept together, everyone's needs were met. It is not always the case, but most second children seem to need a little less focus on them and are happy to just tag along and observe.

[Feathere]

Thank you ladies so much!! It warms my heart to hear all the wonderful things that you shared. I know some of my feelings are hormonal, and of course we will adapt and just get used to the changes. i do feel better knowing I am not the only person to have these feelings. The idea of slinging the babe and going about the day has been in the back of my mind--it sounds like a great way to adapt.

thank you again.

[Emilie]

Thank you so much for posting this. WE just found out that we are pg- but I have these fleeting and sometimes wake me up at night feelings like you are describing. I wanted MORE TIME with ds! He is only 21 months old! I wanted it to be just me and him a little while longer.....
Besides that feeling I am happy about this baby- and know all those things people say about the love growing- etc.... but wah- this is hard. I am making sure to enjoy each minute with ds! I do look forward to doing things differently with this baby.
Homebirth and cloth diapering- so I am focusing on that right now!
Hugs to you mama- I am right there with you!
Emilie

[Lynski]

I feel the same way. DS will be one this weekend. I am SO thrilled to be pregnant, and excited for the new baby. But DS is our whole world right now and it makes me sad sometimes to think how drastically things are about to change for him and there is no way for me to explain these things to him. But I try to remember too that he will not remember anything different. He will adjust, and then after that it will be like he always had a little sibling. I plan to work my butt off to make sure that he gets enough attention still and to find a good balance.

[babykaoss]

Thank you so much for posting this. WE just found out that we are pg- but I have these fleeting and sometimes wake me up at night feelings like you are describing. I wanted MORE TIME with ds! He is only 21 months old! I wanted it to be just me and him a little while longer.....
Besides that feeling I am happy about this baby- and know all those things people say about the love growing- etc.... but wah- this is hard. I am making sure to enjoy each minute with ds! Emilie


I want to chime in and thank all of you for being so honest, too. I have known that i was pregnant for three days now, and have been a whirlwind of all of these emotions. My dd is 18 months old, and while i have a primary feeling of joy and excitement over the new one, i have been battling a vague sadness that i couldnt understand. honestly i felt guilty for it, too. when i told my husband he sort of panicked, so i'm really glad to hear its normal........

i'm so glad i'm not the only one. :o

[Spark]

I was an only child, and it was sooo lonely. Whenever i think about all the things and time my kids "have" to share, i try to also remember they "get" to share those things :)

You don't divide your love, it simply grows. So maybe time isn't so forgiving, but they get to spend their time together too :) We adapt, and find so many more blessings than losses.

I agree on all counts! I'm an only child too and knew that I did NOT want that for my child. I was lonely as a child and when my parents age, I'll be lonely then, too. I am blessed to be married to a wonderful man... but you can't count on your only child finding a great partner to spend her life with. Family is so very important. You are giving her an amazing gift!

I wasn't sure I could love another child as much as I love my son. But, it's true, your heart just grows much bigger! We have such imense ability to love.

[Jennifer3141]

It is a relief to read other moms putting into words what I have felt the past few months. I'm also dealing with some guilt over the new baby because DD will only be 13 months old when her brother arrives. I've interrupted her nursing pattern by getting pregnant too. I try to console myself with the theory that siblings close in age might be emotionally closer too but yes, the doubts keep me up at night sometimes.

My baby is still a baby. How am I supposed to see her as a "big sister?" :innocent

Jen

[mom2abby]

I don't post here often, but I lurk all the time. But I felt this way when I found out I was pregnant and someone gave me this poem. I think it is truly beautiful so I wanted to share.

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared; a relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him -- as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times -- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is a different as you are, but equally strong.

And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply. I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

[SharonAnne]

I'm pregnant with my first, so I can't really relate to the feelings about having two children (unless my dog counts :LOL and, to be honest, sometimes, I think he does. I was laying in bed watching TV with him this weekend and thought to myself as he snuggled in next to me, "This is all going to change in a few months")

I've come to terms with the fact that any major life change is going to bring about mixed feelings, no matter how happy the event is. When DH and I got married, I was ecstatic, for the most part. But, I can clearly remember a late night gossip session with my girlfriends, involving lots of wine and junk food that ended with me crying about how different my life was going to be. We weren't just getting married, we were also moving a good hour away and starting a new business. I didn't anticipate much time for late night wine fests with the girls; and I was right.

What's great is that our late night gatherings evolved into other things. I've not lost them.

By the same token, I'm now facing the complete upheaval of my life by bringing a baby into it. I have prayed for this child. I took my temperature every morning for a year. I spit on a little microscope and dutifully studied my dried saliva under the lense. I had sex in every imaginable position suggested by other people. I obsessed over cervical mucuous and subtle abdominal twinges. And for a year, every month, I peed on a stick and cried when one line materialized instead of two.

And then, suddenly, blammo, there were two lines. And I was, again, ecstatic. And DH was ecstatic. But the changes that are coming are weighing heavily on my mind. And I am mourning the loss of our extended "newlywed" status, even as I'm totally rejoicing over our pending "parental" status.

I'm also trying to prepare myself for the inevitable attention shift. Right now, everyone is so concerned about me, and I am the center of attention. In a few months, I know that I'll be sharing the limelight with a wee one, who is so much more deserving of it than I.

I'm trying to prepare my husband for the day that he says "I want to go camping this weekend" and I say, "We can't, we have a play date" or a doctor appointment, or a cold, or whathaveyou.

I am mourning our carefree days that didn't feel so carefree as we were living them. I wish we'd enjoyed the couple days more. I hope we'll enjoy our family days as much as we possibly can, so that, years from now, as our children are contemplating their own families, we won't look back and say, "I wish we'd.......more" or less, depending on what the ...... represent.

I'm scared that I won't be a good mother. I'm afraid that I'm a little too "out there". I'm afraid that I won't be able to care for a child. I can barely care for myself most of the time. I remind myself that I am not alone when I have these thoughts. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends and my DH, after all. But, then, I think...."I'm the MOM".

Who knew three letters could impart so much fear? So much joy? So much responsibility?

The good news is, we're all in this together. And everything you're feeling, and everything I'm feeling, and everything every other pregnant woman in the entire world is feeling, is completely normal and natural. It's what makes us human; it's what makes us mothers. :hug

[PancakeGoddess]

I'm new here but reading this made me think of a poem i keep on my fridge for those days when i'm feeling bogged down and not at all carefree, heavy with parenting obligation.

There Will Be Time
peggy o'mara

There is time still
for sitting in cafés
in Paris
sipping wine.
Time still
for going to meet
The guru.
There is time still.
Now I am caring for eternity.
Carrying bodies soft with sleep
to beds of flowered
quilts and pillows.
Answering cries deep out of
nighttime fears.
Buckling shoes.
Opening doors.
Pretending.
My soul now is dwelling in
the house of tomorrow.
Tomorrow there will be time
for long leisurely conversations,
For poems to write,
And dances to perform.
Time still.
So I surrender now
to them and this,
Knowing it is they
who will teach me
how to do it all.

[angel04345]

Well I feel the same way! I LOVE the new baby and LOVE my daughter! I know though that the first few weeks of adjustment will pass and my daughter is lucky enough to have her Nani who will be on school vaca while we adjust. Lots of moms don't have that! I plan to include her as much as possiable this is and forever will be her baby too! So we talk about how the new baby is coming and how we will bring some of his things to her room. (she gets a little worried he'll touch her stuff) But I take comfort in the fact that I don't remember that adjustment at all and all I remember is my sister and me! This is why I would love to birth at home! She could experience it in a differant way! In a more included way. Best of luck mommas!

[Feb2003]

I'm SO GLAD that this post is here!

We just found out that we're pregnant...not only that, but we're about 23 weeks (found out last week, but a sono yesterday estimated the timing). Anyway, DS#1 is only 25 months and I thought he and I would have a lot more time to get used to this idea!!! Now, I know that time is warped for a 2 yr old, so 9 months or 4 months probably won't matter as far as time passing, but I thought he'd have 9 months to get older! As it is, he is VERY attached to me and although I LOVE this, I'm really worried about him sharing me.

And, on the slefish front, I'm just not enough used to the idea of being pregnant (despite all of the movement ds#2 is making :) ) and it's already time to do a Bradley class, pick a midwife, etc.!

Thank you to the original poster and thank you to all of the mammas who have reassured us!

[Jennifer3141]

Sharon-Anne, I think you are going to be a terrific mother.

Jen

[rainbowmoon]

I REALLY wanted to get pg with this baby. we had planned to have our first 2 pretty close togethr. but I did & do have a lot of the same feelings you are having. :hug my ds is just 12 months (will be 17months when this baby arrives) some days I even ask myself "what have I done!?!" ds and I are very attached so I am kind of scared what's ahead sometimes.

[SharonAnne]

Sharon-Anne, I think you are going to be a terrific mother.

Jen

Aww, thanks, Jen. I'm sure going to do my best. :D

[Feathere]

Mom2abby, your post put me in tears. Just when I think I'm not too emotional.... thank you.

I am feeling more at peace as the days go by. I guess I am the kind of person who says she is flexible, but in reality has a difficult time with change--big change, at least. Thankfully we do have months to adapt to these changes.

Today I hosted a play group. One mom had a 7 month old, and he crawled all over and drooled and pulled on everthing and I thought, What have I got myself into? And then I saw my daughter watching this child, fascinated, and watched her try to interact with him, and I saw her with new eyes. So it will be when she gets a sibling. She will be allowed new experiences and opportunities to learn, as I will. I am focusing on loving her every day--I feel like I have *enough* love for her now, but when the baby comes, I will have an over abundance--like when she was born and I had too much milk. I do hope that we can keep our nursing relationship and we can tandem nurse.

SharonAnne, I can relate to the concerns you voice... it is amazing, though, how quickly the newlywed state slips back in your mind, not as 'glory days' but just as the peaceful time when you anticipated the child. It's almost as though they were with you in spirit, but you didn't know.

Thanks again for sharing all your thoughts.

[etoilech]

What a wonderful thread. It is exactly what I needed to hear whist I approach TTC with trepidation in my heart. I fear losing my baby. I fear the time lost.

It hit me tonight, while I was rocking my baby, that someday... I will not have a little body to hold and litte chubby baby hands to stroke my hair and I was so emotional. I feel like I have been wishing the time away. Enjoy the moment. :throb :crying

Olivia

[monkeymommy3]

This is such an important post. My first 2 boys are 19 mo. apart and I never told anyone that I felt that way when I was pregnant with #2. But I felt like that all the way up until the day he was born. I can remember after everyone had gone and is was just him and I that there was this kind of wierd uncomfortable feeling, like I was alone in an elevator with this little stranger. But then as we laid there in bed, even after the nurse came in and told me not to lay him in bed with me, and her subsequent visits and scornful looks, it was almost like we were getting in our first bit of trouble together. I loved my little peanut from the time I felt him move, but at that moment, I knew that we had just started a whole new adventure. I was talking to DS#1 a few years back and I said you know, before Torin was born and he looked at me like I had gone mad. He said what do you mean before Torin? So to him, they have been brothers for all time. It is so nice to see that this is common and that I wasn't a horrible mama, because I sure felt like one then. Thanks mamas.