Updated: Need Help Mammas, in a STRESSFUL situation

[TappinMamma]

I found out yesterday that my husband is having an affair which started last summer. This woman is now pregnant, and doesn't know if the child is her fiance's or MY husbands. Ovbiously this is a serious situation, and I have not been doing well the last couple of days. I have the shakes that won't go away, I'm sick to my stomach and can't eat anything. I am stressed out beyond belief and I don't know what the effects are on my baby. I'm not sleeping, and I am so close to going out and buying a bottle of wine just to stop the unimaginable pain that my heart is feeling.

I know pregnant women have stress, but is this kind of stress going to hurt my lil' one? I'm having some difficulty breathing, its more like fast shallow breaths than normal breathing. I just can't get a grip.
I am so afraid I am going to lose this baby. I feel like it is inevitable.

Another question - My husband had unprotected sex with a woman I don't know, and has been for months. Should I be tested for some kind of STD? Or would it have shown up by now? I do have a couple of sores on my vagina which I don't know what they are right now. I am so so worried. I am desperate for advice. I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown and I can't calm down. I need help Mammas.

[ryleeee]

I really have nothing to say that wouldn't sound so empty...but I am praying and thinking about you. I would say you should get tested for STD's, and possibly stay with someone else for now...being around your husband must be very stressful and hard. I really have no advice, I can't imagine even being in your situation (as I'm sure you couldn't have a week ago either)... but yeah...I didn't want to read and not respond. Lots of love.

[mimim]

:hug
I don't even know what to say, because I know I can't help you.
What an awful situation.

I'm sure your baby will be fine, although I'd imagine that she is aware on some level that you are very sad and stressed. Just keeping telling her you love her and try to take care of yourself.

If I was in your shoes I'd get tested for STDs ASAP.

[Patchfire]

I can't even imagine the emotional pain you must be in :(, and I don't know what to say, but I will address the physical...

It sounds like you could be having mild panic or anxiety attacks, from what I know. I think it's certainly worth a call to your care provider, especially if you have a good relationship, to get some help or advice of some kind.

I agree with Molly to keep talking to your baby!

And definitely, do get tested for STDs ASAP. Most of them can be treated while you are pregnant, and thus avoid other potential problems.

:hug

[SweetTeach]

OMG Sarah,
I am so sorry to hear this. What an incredibly painful thing for anyone to have to go through, but especially you during your first pg after Elijah. I am really angry for you. I have no advice but I do think you should get tested. Can you seek some professional help-therapist, minister, someone? You have to be careful with your bp so maybe you should consider being monitored more often.

:( :(

I am so sorry mama.

ST

[JoAida]

I am so sorry, mama. :hug

I would definately mention the sores to your care provider (and ask for thorough testing), and also talk to someone you are comfortable with.

[RachelGS]

Oh my goodness. I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through this. You must be in unbelievable anguish right now. Please do talk to your care provider so you can safeguard your physical health, and think about talking with a therapist as well. You need some good support right now. Remember that babies are resilient-- talk to her and tell her you're going to work on healing, but remember that anger and grief are normal human emotions. Your baby will be born with the capacity for both. They're not dangerous-- just hard.

Thinking of you, mama.

[mwherbs]

I know pregnant women have stress, but is this kind of stress going to hurt my lil' one? I'm having some difficulty breathing, its more like fast shallow breaths than normal breathing. I just can't get a grip.
I am so afraid I am going to lose this baby. I feel like it is inevitable.

Another question - My husband had unprotected sex with a woman I don't know, and has been for months. Should I be tested for some kind of STD? Or would it have shown up by now? I do have a couple of sores on my vagina which I don't know what they are right now. I am so so worried. I am desperate for advice. I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown and I can't calm down. I need help Mammas.


slow down mama, you and yours will be ok. forget that bottle not good for you or the baby. eat and rest, go for comfort and pamper yourself. call your warmest and sweetest friend and have her come and help.
:hug

It is the weekend next week you will need to be tested for STDs you may have already been tested earlier in this pregnancy. so it may not be as bad as you think that way anyhow.
the more complex your life is the slower you have to go, sort of like driving on the freeway- you don't hit the breaks fast and you don't lane change radically it takes some deliberation and a bit of time to figure out what to do.
Did you just find out or did he tell you? if he told you I would like to give him a piece of my mind-- he should have lived with the burden and guilt por vida .....
do you have family around? who will be supportive of you during this time?

[homemademomma]

im sorry tappinmama- i cant imagine what you must be going through. you and your baby are strong! you will get through this. :hug

[matts_mamamama]

Affairs are one of the worst pains imaginable, and worse yet for those of us who don't have to imagine. :( I can't offer you enough hugs - when what you really need are answers and time. But, big HUGE hugs anyway. :)

Yes, get tested, but don't dwell on it. You need someone to talk to - ask your caregiver for resources if you don't know anyone, or find someone at your church, or someplace where you can speak freely (while I believe in family support, this is a time when you need someone unbiased to spill your thoughts to).

Just breathe, honey, breathe. You are an amazing and strong woman and even without knowing the rest of the details, I have faith that you will make it through this and your baby will be fine. Try to at least have some broth or something to keep your energy up until your appetite comes back; perhaps a smoothie or other protein drink. Hang in there - I'll be thinking of you.

[KayleeZoo]

I'm so sorry you're hurting this way. :( No words of wisdom, but I think getting some counseling would probably be really helpful. And I would get tested for STD's, hepatitis and HIV immediately, too. Prayers and positive thoughts coming your way- for you and your baby :hug

[Nikki Christina]

Im really sorry Sarah

I am due in May & in december my son died after being really sick & in the hospital 6 1/2 weeks.. It was really hard & everyone was very concerned about me & this pregnancy
the weeks after were hell & to try to get thru I worked myself till I feel asleep exausted at night..

Ive been ok the past few months.. & now Im 33 1/2 weeks & everything is going fine with Baby..

as far as STD's ..I would definetly call my doc monday morning & go in & get tested

:hug

[zjande]

I am so sorry to hear about your pain!! I agree with the others, keep talking to your baby, remind her/him that you're right there loving her & that you both will get through this. And definitely talk, talk, talk this all out with any friend/family member/counselor that will support you. You need love, mama, surround yourself with it the best you can.

I wish you luck & peace & goodness. You will get through this terrible time.

[flapjack]

Just hoping to reassure you- my mother experienced some extreme stress when she was carrying me and her identical twin sister died a month before I was due- from what I can gather, my mum had some kind of breakdown. I was delivered by c-section (older first-time mother) and was absolutely fine.
I'd agree with what everyone says about STD testing as well- but as a sufferer of vulval varicosities, they hurt a LOT as well.
Big hugs

[ramlita]

Wow. :(
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through.

My experience didn't touch yours, but I wanted to write that I went through some significant emotional stress (completely justified fury) when I was pregnant with DD, and then had two different very painful health issues, and couldn't help but worry about her wellbeing. From the moment she was born, she has been incredibly resilient and confident.
Sometimes I wonder if she got toughened up by the trials of my stress hormones!

Hugs to you, mama.

[fuzzypeach]

*hugs* I'm so sorry Tappinmama. My heart goes out to you. I know things are horrible right now but a bottle of wine isn't going to do a lot of good in the long run:\ Just try to take it easy.

I definately agree that you should be tested. Things like herpes, if present at the time of birth, can make it not a good idea to deliver vaginally so you'll want to be informed.

[ktmama]

Yes, get tested and get some support. If you're feeling angry and sad, go for it. That is normal and holding in your feelings is what really does a number on you. By expressing your feelings, you are already being a fantastic role model to your daughter (and your other kids). Tell your little girl to hang in there, she will if you will! Big, big hugs. Just take it one step at a time.

[shannon0218]

:hug mama
This really sucks. If you feel you are actually having panic attacks there are meds you can take in the third trimester--I took them at the end of Molly's pregnancy because I was just convinced something bad was going to happen to her and I'd work myself into an absolute wreck.

If nothing else, I can arrange to lend you a dog who's trained in a very efficent crotch bite :hug

[ninafel]

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I experienced panic attacks years and years ago when I finally left a bad relationship....panic attacks are no fun.

I'm sure your little one will weather the storm with you gracefully and will be fine. I've also had various stressors during this pregnancy (an active alcoholic mother) and have worried the same that the stress hormones aren't healthy.

Amidst all that is going on, try to take care of yourself. Maybe get yourself a professional massage or ask a close friend to give you a foot massage. This won't help with the larger scheme of things, but it will help remind you of your own value and the very special things that are happening within your body.

Maybe ask your doctor or midwife about Rescue Remedy. I believe it is safe to take during pregnancy and can really take the edge off when the mind and heart are reeling.

My thoughts are with you.

[TappinMamma]

I just wanted to say thanks so much for all the pm's and messages here. They really do help.

I have called my OB, and am going in first thing tomorrow. I'll have the STD testing done, and also I'm really more concerned about my BP right now. I'm trying to stay as calm as possible.

I have also managed to get an appointment because of a cancellation for counseling. I have never been before, but she sounds really nice, and it will have no out of pocket expense for me. It will be really nice to be able to spill the beans to someone who won't say stuff to me like "once a cheater, always a cheater."

I don't know if I could ever take my husband back. He doesn't want a divorce. If I didn't have any children, there would be no question about it. But I have to think about them too. And I know I am insane, but I do love the man. Why, I really don't know. So I'll go go therapy for a bit and see how I feel once I can sort things out. He has already agreed to go to marriage counseling, so that may be an option for us as well.

Now I guess we have to play the waiting game and see if this woman is carrying his child. Does anyone know when genetic testing can be done to discover this?

[shannon0218]

Oh Sarah, please don't think yourself insane because you are not willing to call your marriage over at this point. You and your dh have already been through so very much, especially when you lost little Elijah. No doubt he f***ed up royally and he's going to have to do a heck of a lot before you'll ever be able to trust him again but you loved him, you married him and you had children with him. He owes it to you to go to coucelling, even if it's just so you guys can hash out the best way to parent your children if your marriage can't survive. Basically I just want you to know that whatever happens, whatever you feel, you are completely valid in feeling that way. Maybe write some letters to yourself, to little Lillian, to your dh, to his "other woman", whatever you think will help you get the negative feelings out of you and onto paper-you don't ever have to show the letters to the people you wrote to.
Big :hug Sarah, I wish I could do something for you, I remember like it was yesterday when you lost Elijah and no mama should ever have to go through that.

[SweetTeach]

How are you doing?

[farmlife]

Hi Sarah,
I was thinking about you and wondering how you are. You are a strong momma and you will do this well!
It sounds like you have been hearing once a cheater, always a cheater alot. I'm glad you will have the chance to have the ear of a counselor to lend support. I believe we all make our own choices in life. I know I've made a few in the last couple of years that dear friends and family have not been able to understand. But as mothers and wives, we are the only one to be in that bedroom at night. We are the ones who wake up in the house with our husband and our children's father. I believe our own answers lie deep within our hearts and I know you and that babe will pull through this strongly.
I know for me it has helped at times when the thoughts of days, weeks or months to come became overwhelming, just focusing on well, what will I do for the next ten minutes can be helpful. When those ten minutes are up, I focus on the next ten.
I'm glad to hear you will be going for the tests. What a courageous, loving and strong momma you are.

[Debstmomy]

I am glad to see you are getting the support you need.
I just wanted to share a story about one of my close friends. She was pregnant with her first & found out DH was having an affair. Went through all the motions & emotions of moving back in with her parents. DH wanted to stay together & ended the affair. She did not do this until DS was born. Long story short they are married 15 years this yeat with 3 beautiful children.
So, once a cheater always a cheater is NOT always true. Follow your heart, it will lead you! Good luck to you!

[operamommy]

I'm sorry for your situation. Please don't beat yourself up over the fact that you may want to keep your marriage intact. Many marriages survive adultery and go on to become stronger.

As far as genetic testing, if your husband can be present at or close to the birth of this other baby, testing can be done then. I'm not sure how long it takes to get the result back, but I believe they use blood from the cord. The blood part could be wrong, but I know testing can be done then. My sister's baby's dad refused to acknowledge him, and asked that he come to the hospital the night the babe was born so that testing could take place. He was a jerk and didn't, so they had to wait several months later to do it by court order. If you're wanting an answer sooner than later, I'd have him speak to this woman about testing taking place soon after the birth. Big hugs to you.

[cresorchid]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I hope that the counselor is of some help to you. I would recommend waiting to start couples counseling and focus on the support you need until you feel steadier.

Maybe stay with a friend or family member for a couple of days–not to "leave" your marriage but because getting out of the familiar surroundings may make it easier to sleep and having someone who is there for you to talk to could allow some of that pressure to be relieved.

Things will get better, but right now you need to love yourself and your baby and know that everything will work out. It will just take time. I am keeping you in my thoughts.