Do you ever feel guilty that you don't earn money? [Archive]

LisainCalifornia

04-18-2005, 11:47 PM

I wondered if anyone else ever feels guilty for not contributing financially to their family?

I have been a stay at home mom for 11 years now--ever since my son Matthew was born. I did not set out to be a stay at home mom...I actually had just graduated from the teaching credential program (I have a k-6 credential) and had been long term subbing at a school in San Francisco and planned to go back 5-6 months after Matthew was born. But mothering hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks, and it suddenly became crystal clear to me that I could not go back to work and hire someone else to care for him. These feelings were surprising to me--but also to my husband who also assumed I would go back to work.

We had a strange period of time after my son turned one that I made the pretense of looking for daycare for him (I actually did go look at 4 of them--and left feeling literally ill at the prospect of leaving him at each place) and finally I just told my husband I was staying home because it was the right thing for me to do for Matthew. My husband seemed perplexed (and worried about our finances, I am sure) by my strong attitude about the issue, especially because he worked in the high tech field with lots of women who had their babies and were back to work 6 weeks later. We went on to have another child and then adopt one, and I really grew into my job of SAHM.

As the years have gone by my husband has become my biggest fan--he now appreciates the fact that I am always here for the kids and for him, and it has allowed him to really thrive in his career because I am always on hand to take full responsibility for our 3 kids. He has a very high powered career now and often travels and works late most nights--he typically arrives home around 8:30, so if I were working too it would be very hard to cope with that.

Because my husband works so hard, that in turn makes me work very hard at home on my own with the kids, you know? But sometimes I still feel badly that I don't earn any money. Do you ever feel this way?

mmace

04-19-2005, 06:17 AM

I never used to. I think the difference for me was that I had "jobs" before I became a SAHM, not a "career". Know what I mean? By the time we factored in daycare, car expenses, clothing, eating lunch out, etc. it wasn't worth it for me to keep working. I've baby-sat from my home for the past six years, and that "extra" money really filled in some gaps. I've been a single SAHM for the past almost two years though, and I *hate* how financially dependent I still am on my kids' dad. I'm going to start working part-time from home for a preschool this summer, doing bookkeeping/A-R & A-P/etc. so that will be a big help.

hlkm2e

04-19-2005, 08:37 AM

I don't really feel guilty for not earning, but sometimes when I want something that costs a lot, a get this weird feeling like I shouldn't because I wasn't the one who made the money. My dh thinks I should buy whatever I want (he knows I'm not a huge shopper and was raised pretty frugal) within reason, but I still get some weird feelings. I know that I am contributing to our family, but it is hard to transition from making money to being at home.

Cranberry

04-19-2005, 08:55 AM

I used to feel guilty that I don't earn a paycheck. But I've learned that what I do has immemse social, family and :love value. Unfortunately, our society puts a pricetag/paycheck on everything and since SAHMing doesn't have one, it is often deemed worthless and dismissed. This doesn't bother me anymore. I'm really happy with my choice.

cjr

04-19-2005, 10:35 AM

All the time. Dh makes more money than most couples working full time do and I still feel guilty. Some months we get slammed with "extra" bills and things get tight. That's when I feel guilty the most.

I have decided not to worry about it anymore. With 3 kids daycare would crush any income I could bring in and I'm not willing to sacrafice our family dinamic by working and putting the kids in any kind of care. I think my biggest issues isn't so much about money, but about developing as a person. I feel stagnant being at home somedays. Lonely and out of touch. I am solving that by going to university in the fall. Just one day a week, Saturdays.

Mammo2Sammo

04-19-2005, 12:03 PM

I really struggle with this sometimes. We are barely scraping by, and we would lvoe to pay off our debt sooner than we have been able to.

I have to repeatedly tell myself that we are still a two career couple. His job is to make the money, and my job is to spend it as carefully and frugally as possible. It takes a lot of energy, time and will power to do so and I don't think I would be able to do all fo this if I was working 45 hours a week (the expected amount of time as a teacher).

That said, I have been mulling around the idea of creating a job for myself teaching baby signs (I taught deaf children before sahm-ing). I expect that it would only be a couple fo hours a week.

It is just that I know if I worked full time all fo my career money would go to expenses that we don't have now. I need to remind myself of that once in a while.

musingmama

04-19-2005, 01:33 PM

yep, I know that if I worked all the money would go to daycare (I just coudn't leave my ds there anyway! no way!), nice clothing, gas, convenience foods for quick dinners, etc.... but I HATE the fact that we are behind paying off our debt and bills, and I am not bringing in any money, then it just gets me sooo angry that mothers ar enot valued in this society! :angry
but then I just look at my happy loveing cooperative sweet boy and thats worth way more than anything else! kinda wipes away any guilt about money, kwim?
I just can't even imagine getting him up at the crack of dawn and dropping him off with strangers.... I think it would be a little easier if my mom lived here with us, and she could babysit, but unfortunately she is 3000 miles away.
I just try to not worry about money, but it is hard. I also try and save money by cooking a lot of good fresh meals from scratch .. yummmm! I just try and save money when I can, so figure that makes up for a lot too.

totalyy OT- but I am SOOOO HAPPY we have this forum now! :)

MamaMonica

04-19-2005, 01:39 PM

I used to. I did a little bit of part time work with my first. Now the kids are so much work some days I think I should be paid! Society considers childrearing to be "invisible" work, but it is defintely work.

dharmamama

04-19-2005, 02:01 PM

I wondered if anyone else ever feels guilty for not contributing financially to their family?

Absolutely not. Earning money is just one of many, many, many ways to contribute to a family, and imo it's not even the most important one. It doesn't bother my husband or I at all that I am not earning money. That doesn't mean that I don't worry about the impact of my $0 annual income on our retirement or our ability to help our children through college. I do worry about those things. But I do not feel guilty that I don't earn money.

Besides, I do contribute financially to our family. I save our family thousands of dollars a year on groceries, clothing, utilities, etc., because I have the time to spend on money-saving activities in these areas. I shop at 5 different stores each week to keep the grocery bill as low as possible; I hang the laundry to dry; I Freecycle, trade, and search the thrift shops for bargains on clothing; I cook from scratch rather than eating out or making convenience meals; imo my kids are healthier because I am monitoring their environment at all times, which means fewer doctor bills; etc., etc., etc. In addition, we pay nothing for daycare. These are all financial contributions, even if I am not actually earning money.

Namaste!

thoesly

04-19-2005, 02:10 PM

I used to when we were first making the shift to one income and we were both a bit scared. As the kids have grown and my responsibilities have grown, I don't feel guilty about it (as pps have said, what I would have earned as a teacher would have all gone to daycare anyway).

What I do feel is tremendous gratitude to my husband because he works a job he doesn't like so that I can live the life that I love. Since being a SAHM I've been able to learn new crafts, continue my education, read all of the books I always said I'd read, etc. There was an article in a magazine last month (not sure which one -- dental office visit) where a mom went on strike without giving her family any notice that there was a problem (kind of silly, if you ask me). When her husband was frustrated with her one night he said that sometimes he felt that he "lives poor" so that she can "live rich." She was stunned, but I kind of thought, "yeah, that's us." My husband wouldn't see it that way -- he only sees the sacrifices I make the same way I see the ones he makes. He claims he wouldn't have things any other way, and I feel the same. I love my life.

captain crunchy

04-19-2005, 02:11 PM

I feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever for not earning the money! Honestly!

In a partnership, as the previous poster mentioned, there are many, many ways to contribute and if you added up what someone would charge for all the *services* I provide (including sex... TOTALLY kidding!!!!) it would certainly add up to much more than I buy for myself.

Besides, I do contribute financially to our family. I save our family thousands of dollars a year on groceries, clothing, utilities, etc., because I have the time to spend on money-saving activities in these areas. I Freecycle, trade, and search the thrift shops for bargains on clothing; I cook from scratch rather than eating out or making convenience meals
Absolutely agree at the above comment too! ( I cut a bit out of the quote that didn't apply to us)

Our money is equally ours, no matter who is earning it, just as I don't give my husband crap for all the things he utilizes that only I *do* ...I don't expect him to feel guilty every time he puts on clean clothing or eats a meal I cook know what I mean?

I think you need to let go of the guilt! If you are contributing (I don't think anyone here is eating bon bons all day watching soaps on the couch)...then you shouldn't feel badly at all...it is one thing to appreciate the fact that your partner's income enables you to stay home and not have to have an outside job, but it is quite another to feel guilty about it!!

Take care!

Irishmommy

04-19-2005, 02:19 PM

Ocassionally when we are really tight, but dh is quite happy with me staying home. I would have to work fulltime to make it remotely worthwhile, and that's not going to happen.

charmarty

04-19-2005, 02:37 PM

I feel bad when I see dh struggling so hard to pay some bills. But I also know I am very lucky to be at home.

indie

04-19-2005, 03:13 PM

I've never felt guilty but I had to come to terms with the fact that I was quite proud (in the negative sense of the word) of being the breadwinner in the family (we lost 2/3 of our income when I decided to stay home). A lot of the freedom DH had to do as he pleased in regards to his career stemmed from the fact that I had a good job with good benefits and he didn't have to worry about the money he was making when making decisions. That made me feel good about myself and now its kind of the opposite. I'm the dependent one and it makes me feel uncomfortable. But it has been a growing experience to let that pride go.

janerose

04-19-2005, 03:41 PM

I never used to. I think the difference for me was that I had "jobs" before I became a SAHM, not a "career". Know what I mean?

Yes, this is my situation exactly right now! Money wise it's not even worth me going back to work.

That said, I am going back to school this fall to work on my degree in accounting. My long term goal is to finish the 3 years of school I need, at which point Emi will be in preschool, so I can do the required 2 years of FT work without dealing with the whole daycare mess. After I put in my 2 years of time I'll be able to take the CPA exam and start working for myself.

I'm NOT doing all this because I feel bad about not bringing in any money though. I'm doing it because I feel I'd really enjoy accounting & really, really, really want to have a stable, well paying job where I can work for myself in case anything were to happen to DH. I *don't* want to be dependent on him and only him for our future financial stability. What if we divorce? What if he dies? What if he looses his job or wants to change careers himself? This just seemed like the right choice for us.

Holly

scrapadoozer

04-19-2005, 03:43 PM

Yes, often. I wish I didn't and it really bothers DH when I bring it up. He wants me to feel no guilt about staying home but I feel bad everytime I buy something I don't consider absolutely necessary. I was a SAHW before we had dd. I've never worked outside the home since we've been together. I wonder if some of the guilt stems from that. Not that there was much I could do about it since I'm disabled. *sigh*

Mallory

04-19-2005, 03:43 PM

I've been a single SAHM for the past almost two years though, and I *hate* how financially dependent I still am on my kids' dad.

This is how I feel sometimes, but I tell myself he doesn't even give me enough to pay for two kids in day care, and that we had these kids with the understanding that we would both take care of them and then I think that is all he can give? (He never sees them or calls) Of course I still hate that it is because of his goodwill that I can stay home and that he could mess that up pretty easy if he wanted to- the judge didn't really want to give me that much child support even with ex telling him that is okay. :eyesroll

slightly crunchy

04-19-2005, 03:59 PM

No, not a bit. I feel like what I do is essential to us being a family and having a nice family life. If I worked, with our dual careers DH and I may as well not have children, as I don't think we would be doing the best we could by them. I know that it is not the same for everyone, but knowing many other couples with our respective careers who continue to try to do it all, I believe it is very true for us.

I also feel like I have sacrificed greatly in my career to SAH. That is a gift I am giving to myself and my family, and that is worth so much more than any money I could earn.

In addition, I supported DH and I during his last few years of school, up to the time that ds was born. That is the main reason we did not have a child until we did. So, in a way I feel like I did my part.

Dechen

04-19-2005, 04:02 PM

I don't feel guilty. I see us as partners. (As does he). The money he makes is OUR money. And the chores I do are OUR chores. I take care of OUR daughter and OUR home. Etc.

Sometimes I feel guilty if I spend too much money on things we don't need, but that is a different thread. :blush

mags

04-19-2005, 04:14 PM

I used to feel guilty about this. I actually became a SAHW during the last half of my pregnancy with baby #1... it kind of just happened. They eliminated my job position with a cheaper person, and since I was having a somewhat shaky pregnancy, DH and I decided I'd just take it easy before the baby came to try to prevent any other complications and I was going to be a SAHM after the baby arrived anyway. I am an RN, and had I had a job that I really loved, I probably would have made an effort to at least go back to work per diem or part time. However, the nursing jobs around here really suck, we moved her two yrs ago and I took a $10/hr paycut!!!! I was not happy about this and it's made it more difficult for me to be happy doing a more difficult job (There were no openings in the unit I wanted), for a lot less $ and worse working conditions.

Luckily, my DH makes a decent income, admittedly we do watch our spending more closely now, but it is not like we cannot make it month to month. We just cut down a LOT on eating out, which is ok, since it's not easy taking a little one out to eat all the time anyway. Also, we don't go to movies anymore, we got a subscription to netflix instead. We don't have a babysitter, I cloth diaper, make my own baby food, got rid of my cell phone plan (I got a pre-paid one instead and it works out great for my needs and saves me a lot of $), shop the sales/clearance, buy generic, etc.. We are not so frugal that I feel like we are missing out, but then I don't feel like we are wastefully spending our $ either and just throwing it down the toilet unnecessarily. Anyway, I am pg with baby #2 now, so the idea of me going back to work is totally nixed for now. We were lucky that we put this under consideration when we bought out house, we budgeted for a house with only DH's salary, assuming someday I would be a SAHM.

When the kids start school, I will probably try to go back to work or school (want to become an NP, but there are no programs nearby, I am not willing to commute 1.5 hrs each way). DH and I did agree that sooner or later I WILL have to go back to work, but my earnings will be going towards retirement savings and the kids' college $.

AmandaBL

04-19-2005, 04:25 PM

Before this baby, I made a lot of money as a stylist. Now, when I add what it would cost me to drive to & from work, buy lunch, pay a sitter, after school care, pay a cleaning person I'd seriously earn $65 per week. That's insane. You might be surprised if you look at what it would "cost" you (and I'm just talking money here - not even counting the things you loose & miss out on) to get a "real" job ;)

desertpenguin

04-19-2005, 04:38 PM

I have never felt guilty about stayin home. DH makes enough money for bills, food, etc, and enough to save a little, too. Things have been tight a couple of times, but we always get by, and my father buys a lot of clothes, etc, for "his grandboy!" (Can we say spoiled? :LOL ) Besides, I can't imagine all the things I would miss out on. I'm glad I was the first one to see ds sit up on his own for 20 seconds! hehe

mumof4

04-19-2005, 04:50 PM

I guess i have a little diff situation. I have 4 children, 2 are from my first marriage the second from this one. Until I had my 3rd baby i had always worked full time job. I intended to go back 1 year after our baby was born but I just couldnt do it for many reasons, partly cause i wanted to take the time to raise her and partly cause of the expense of child care. Anyhow I get guilt from the fact that my dh is paying for the expenses of kids that aint tecnically his. I am fortuneate in that I get good child support which i contribute to our bills , groceries and some clothing for the children. But when i get these feelings I stop and recall that I had these kids bfore we were together and we were all a package deal he had his chance to run a long time ago so i guess he had an idea what he was in for! And time seeems to helptoo I mean as time progressed it seemed more and more natural to me, as did the second child together, who just reassured me I am doing the right thing looking after my children myself.

Jodie

Parker'smommy

04-19-2005, 05:06 PM

I don't feel guilty at all. Me staying home is something that dh and I BOTH wanted for our family. This is something we discussed BEFORE we got married too. In fact, when ds was 6 months old and it was becoming clear that we couldnt live on dh's pay, he quit his job to stay home with our ds and I went back to work. Thankfully, dh got a new job really soon afterwards and I only ended up working 2 months. But let me tell ya... he really valued what I do at home after that!!!

We work really hard together to have me home - him at work, and me at home. We both have made a ton of sacrafices also. This is important to both of us. Its hard sometimes when things get tight and I have to forgo doing things that my friends that work get to do. But its all worth it to us. I always say - When I look back at my life will I wish I had worked more? probably not. But if I was working I am sure I would wish I had spent more time with my kids.

butterflyma

04-19-2005, 05:08 PM

Nope, never! I really value what I bring to our family (as PPs have said) and so does dh. I toyed with the idea of returning to work this fall (for several reasons) and decided that since we did not need my income it would make me feel guilty to work.

I do however miss having spending money :bag:

LoveBeads

04-19-2005, 06:34 PM

No, staying home was a decision that DH and I made together. I do save us tons of money by bargain hunting, cooking from scratch and not having to buy an expensive wardrobe.

But hey, if you're feeling guilty there is a little side business that you can always do..... ;)

(it's not what you perverted people are thinking - it's Birkenstock painting!)

FancyPants

04-19-2005, 06:57 PM

Guilty. No. DH wanted kids initially, not me. But discouraged - often, sometimes strongly. Shortly after I met DH, I was making 3x what he was. Certainly, he was in the army, so his take home pay was minimal, but still.
Now... 7 years later he makes 3x what I would make working full time. I don't think my career could have gone as his has as I was in the wrong field for megabucks but....
I find it discouraging as I am not living to my full potential financially speaking and am getting further and further behind in the earnings ability (comparative to my DH). And yes, I realize this is not a competition and I am very happy that he is earning so much but I feel sometimes that it highlights how much less I could earn when working.
Right now I am just starting to look at an enterprise DH and I can do together.

Birth Junky

04-19-2005, 07:02 PM

Not a mama yet (although DH finally decided that he definitely wants to start trying next year--woo-hoo!), but I have been experiencing a lot of guilt recently because of our extremely uneven incomes. DH is a computer engineer and makes good $$, whereas I am a massage therapist and am lucky to do 15 hours of work in a week.

However, I think most of my guilt comes from the fact that we HAVE no children as of yet, and I feel like I should be making as much money as possible right now to save up for the near future, when I will be a SAHM (I can't wait!). I have even brought up the idea (several times) of quitting my massage job and finding myself a 40hr/week office job. Fortunately, I have one of the most supportive DHs in the world, and every time I get worried he reassures me that we are doing okay financially, and that he would rather have me working part-time in a job that I LOVE than full-time in a job that I HATE.

Before this baby, I made a lot of money as a stylist. Now, when I add what it would cost me to drive to & from work, buy lunch, pay a sitter, after school care, pay a cleaning person I'd seriously earn $65 per week. That's insane. You might be surprised if you look at what it would "cost" you (and I'm just talking money here - not even counting the things you loose & miss out on) to get a "real" job ;)

I agree with you 100%. One of my coworkers has an almost-3-year-old and works 2-3 days/week. But her constant complaint is that she basically has to sign all of her paychecks directly over to the child-care provider that she has chosen! Some days (when she has an unexpected cancellation or it is a particularly slow day at the space), she actually ends up paying more for child-care than she makes in a day!

GranoLLLy-girl

04-19-2005, 07:33 PM

NO! And you shouldn't feel guilty either! I didn't read what pp's have said but let me throw this in: we SHOULD NOT feel guilty at all. What we do (staying home) IS work--whether paid or not. And it's hard work, too! Probably harder than a lot of jobs that DO pay $$!!!
If you had to pay someone to do all that I do--you'd have to pay someone to cook, clean, raise the children, educate them, handle the finances, etc.--and not in that order. Can you imagine what you'd have to pay to have all of that accomplished to your own standards?? There is a gal who lives down the street who I dislike because she constantly complains that she doesn't see her kids.
Well, she lives in a $550K home with a boat, three (not one, but three) NEW cars and has a nanny on the weekends. I'm sorry but that was a CHOICE and she made it! Downscale, woman! We saved for years before I left my job, so that we could live comfortably, but not ever again to those standards.
I am not a big fan of Dr. Phil but I have to say that I do like his recent book about family--it talks about how families should come first and all the material junk should be a distant second.
I gave up a high paying career of many many years as an investment banker on Wall Street (yep, THE Wall Street) and I have a JDMBA. Yes, that was a serious blow to our financial situation when I left my job to be home. And as much as I miss watching the opening bell, I have lots of toy bells here at home to keep me entertained.
Plus, I got to do things that I've always wanted to do--like become a LLL leader. That's been really fun.
I now live in a much smaller house, and most of my neighbors probably wonder why I live like I do...but darn it, when I am on my death bed, I want my kids and not my wallet holding my hand.

sincitymama

04-19-2005, 08:38 PM

Sometimes I feel a little weird about not earning hte money-usually when I'm buying something for myself(not often, but we all need socks and undies, y/k?) Then I remind myself that before ds, I, like some pps only ever had 'jobs'. And I was miserable at every retail job I worked. We decided very quickly that me staying home is what we wanted for ds, but honestly with the earning power I have (or more accurately, DON'T have) I can't afford to go back to work. It just doesn't make sense to us for me to go back to running a register or stocking shelves somewhere for some corporation, so we can actually lose money to give a lot of the control over taking care of our baby and add stress to all of our lives.

When I go back to college(hopefully soon) we'll also be paying money out rather than getting more in, but that's a totally different thing.

SmilingChick

04-19-2005, 09:53 PM

Absolutely not. If one of us couldn't have been a stay at home parent, we would not have had children. I'd feel way more guilty if I earned money, but used it to pay someone else to raise my dd.

krisnic

04-19-2005, 10:32 PM

My fiance and I have talked of this issue. Right now we are both in school, and I have worked in daycares. After seeing what I have in those daycares, my fiance said he does NOT want his children in them! I couldn't agree more. However, even though now I work 20 hours a week and he works 40, he still is completely fine with it. At times money gets tight and it gets frustrating, but he says he would rather have me home when he gets home than me work more than he does. I still feel guilty sometimes, partly because we don't have children yet, but it passes. :LOL

I also will have my degree in graphic design when I do eventually have children, so I plan to work from home a couple hours a day. I just really couldn't imagine someone else watching my children.

onlyzombiecat

04-19-2005, 10:39 PM

Sometimes when things have been financially tough I feel guilty for not adding to our income.

Autumnschild

04-19-2005, 11:03 PM

As much as I'd like to say I don't feel guilty, I sometimes do. When dd1 was born, I did daycare from home for the first year. Watching other people's children wasn't for me, and I hated how the kids would miss their mommies so bad all day. After doing that, I realized I couldn't leave mine at a daycare. Dh didn't really understand. We did the "looking for daycare" charade for a bit before I finally told him I would brainstorm another WAH idea rather than go back to work. Then I got pregnant with dd2 and am now a fulltime SAHM. It's more work than I can keep up with, to be quite honest. I need to learn to balance things here before I attempt another business venture. The reason I feel guilty is because dh implies that he makes all of the $, therefore has the right to do with it what he pleases while I need to settle for the occasional bone he throws me. I do the childcare, shopping, housekeeping, transporting and cooking. I know I'm not getting a "free ride" but when he throws the guilt trip at me, I bite. As much as I know better.

It took a lot of work on my part to give up the control when I decided to stay home. I miss having a career, a wardrobe, a life that includes other adults. But my choice is to stay here with my angels and it is SO worth it. Despite the occasional guilt. I think if dh could get over it, so would I. Or vice versa.

MamaAllNatural

04-20-2005, 12:44 AM

Absolutely not. Earning money is just one of many, many, many ways to contribute to a family, and imo it's not even the most important one. It doesn't bother my husband or I at all that I am not earning money. That doesn't mean that I don't worry about the impact of my $0 annual income on our retirement or our ability to help our children through college. I do worry about those things. But I do not feel guilty that I don't earn money.

Besides, I do contribute financially to our family. I save our family thousands of dollars a year on groceries, clothing, utilities, etc., because I have the time to spend on money-saving activities in these areas. I shop at 5 different stores each week to keep the grocery bill as low as possible; I hang the laundry to dry; I Freecycle, trade, and search the thrift shops for bargains on clothing; I cook from scratch rather than eating out or making convenience meals; imo my kids are healthier because I am monitoring their environment at all times, which means fewer doctor bills; etc., etc., etc. In addition, we pay nothing for daycare. These are all financial contributions, even if I am not actually earning money.

Namaste!

:yeah: Exactly! :thumb

I actually didn't plan on SAH at all. I just kind of fell into it by following my heart. It was never really an issue for me ($/guilt). Especially now that we have three children dh and I both feel that I'm doing more than my fair share. :)

But hey, if you're feeling guilty there is a little side business that you can always do.....

(it's not what you perverted people are thinking - it's Birkenstock painting!)

Lovebeads! :rotflmao I guess I am a pervert. :o

Junebug

04-20-2005, 01:09 AM

PumpkinSeeds

04-20-2005, 02:38 AM

dharmamama

04-20-2005, 06:53 AM

I'd feel way more guilty if I earned money, but used it to pay someone else to raise my dd.

:nod

mamapajama

04-20-2005, 09:22 PM

No, I don't feel guilty that I don't earn money. Occasionally I feel bad that if I had to I probably could no longer support myself very easily because I've been out of the workforce for so long. I stress about money so much more than dh. He works for money but I take care of all the finances and pay all the bills and do budgeting etc. I'm super cheap, and never buy myself anything. That's just me. I've always been that way. DH is a big spender on himself and the kids. I am constantly trying to reel in his spending. We work really well together as a team.

JavaFinch

04-20-2005, 11:48 PM

NEVER. I do a very important job and dh knows that. We are a team. SOMEONE has to be here for ds, and that is me.

At different times I have offered to work PT and dh doesn't want me to - I think he feels it's just to much trouble to try to juggle childcare and it's easiest if I don't work. So due to that, too, I feel no guilt, because I would work PT if he wanted.

Mama2RMM

04-21-2005, 05:15 PM

I may be the odd person out, but when we made the decision for me to stay at home with Rachel we evaluated where my salary was being spent. It was a great disappointment to calculate the my salary was merely paying for us to eat out, buy "fun" things, and have a new car.

I debated whether or not to stay at home before we actually did the calculations. When it was all added up, I certainly realized I could accomplish more for our family at home than I ever could than bringing home my paycheck.

DH and I are also very good about "our" money though - neither of us have ever viewed paychecks as yours and mine. It all goes into a community account, we both keep track of finances together, and we are both free to spend how we wish.

Fieryfly

04-21-2005, 06:54 PM

The only time I really did feel guilty was early in our marriage and parenting career when DH was not as supportive of my staying at home as he is now. There was a lot of financial and extended family pressure on him, and having me at home full time caring for our DS was not helping any. However, over the years we have both realized just how much of a difference having me at home has made on our family, much more than we knew at the beginning. I have a feeling that the extra money I would have contributed would have been nice, but our lifestyle would have been much more stressful.

Today things are much better now. Our kids are older and I have been able to earn a little extra money doing home daycare while still being able to be a full time SAHM. Together we decided that starting a home daycare would be the best way to help relieve some of the financial stress(although it does create a whole new set of stressors!).

I do not feel one bit guilty that I don't earn more money, or even money at all when my home daycare isn't doing well, because I believe that I play a vital role in helping my DH be successful at his job and in turn earn money for our family.

artgoddess

04-21-2005, 08:33 PM

I don't feel guilty at all-but boy do I hate asking for spending money!!!! DP hates that I have issues asking so he offers $ all the time. Occasionally I'll need to make a spendy purchase and have to ask for extra cash...UGH! It makes me feel like a child! Sooo annoying! We've discussed opening a household account for situations like this but we haven't actually done it.
This is where I fit in. I don't feel guilty about not earning, but we aren't married, and prior to baby we never kept any joint accounts. Things haven't changed that way, but DP pays my bills now. I wish I had my own $$, as I always did for the first 4 years of our relationship, as I always did since I got my first job at 16 years old, I'm now 34 and it isn't easy to feel dependent.

Red

04-21-2005, 09:02 PM

YES! My dh works very hard, long hours. When I buy something for me, I feel like, geez, how many hours did he work for that?

I know what I do is valuable. I work hard to make his day better, clean clothes, homemade lunch, favorite sodas and pickles, etc.

But he;s working at a nasty job and I'm home.

And on MDC. :kewl

lillake

04-21-2005, 10:11 PM

Sometimes I feel guilty, more so when I ask for money to spend on myself instead of on bills or food or the such.

We talked about me going back to work, and we both agree that there are no jobs available in this area that I'm qualified for that would bring in enough money to be worth it. So I'm staying home, doing babysitting on the side to earn extra money when I can.

I do miss being able to go to the store without asking first. I feel like a child asking for an allowance.

Summer

mamaroni

04-22-2005, 11:13 PM

Nope. But it has been a difficult adjustment for me -- I had a very nice-paying career pre-sahming. I miss the extra spending money a little I have to admit, but mostly it's been getting used to being so dependent.

I do feel guilty that I still have huge student loans, though.

angel04345

04-23-2005, 08:00 PM

I use to feel guilty and at times I do I suppose :( But its more because I don't make enough money! I use to have a daycare with six children and now I have one :blush Thats only enough for grocerys :innocent I have to ask for money for things for the new baby and for things for myself! I hate that! but I like what the other poster said about not making her husband feel guilty when he puts on clean clothes or eats a nice hot meal! :wink That puts it into perspective :thumb I don't care how many hours my husband works hes not working as many as me ;)

applejuice

04-23-2005, 08:08 PM

Yes, when I spent my ten years at home as a SAHM, I felt very guilty...

I shouldn't have however since I always kept a nice home, paid the bills, managed repairs, managed improvements, prepared healthy meals, did the shopping, cared for three active young ones and was a landlord for the last five of the ten and I still am...it has been twenty years now...!

CharlieBrown

04-23-2005, 09:25 PM

when my first was a newborn, i did. we were on an extremely tight budget, but then my husband explained to me that it was *our* money. now i realize what i do at home. i am busy all the time. :irked:

Reeyore

04-26-2005, 07:31 PM

I'm not sure I feel so much "guilty" as I hate not having "my own" money. Before DD was born I gave X amount to the joint account (DH does the bills) and the rest was fun money. I do sometimes feel bad that DH works so hard (FT plus 1-2 PT jobs as they arise).

yummy-mummy

05-11-2005, 08:55 AM

Wow, thanks everyone, for contributing to this thread...I know it's an older thread, but I found it so helpful, I wanted to respond.

I've been coming to this forum because dh and I have talked about me being a SAHM once buggle arrives (Aug.!). A lot of what I've read so far has really helped me better understand my own feelings and thoughts.

I think it's been helpful b/c I am feeling apprehensive about the future - others have voiced my fears: feeling financially dependent rather than independent; feeling guilty for spending $, especially if seen as "unnecessary" spending, b/c it doesn't feel like "my" $; questioning the value/worth of the work you do; and becoming stagnant in personal/professional growth and development...

But you've all inspired me to try to have the following attitude: That what I do at home has value - both financial and spiritual - even though society doesn't always seem to regard it that way; That dh may provide the means for us to "buy" things, but that it is something we share equally - just as equally as we share the home, children, etc.; That personal development goals (education, p/t work, etc.) can help bolster feelings of self-worth, if lacking.

And I realized something else from this discussion - I think many of us are blessed to have the full support of our partners in staying at home - I know I do. But I now think it's my own insecurity and self-doubt that leads to negative feelings of being a SAHM. If dh is supportive and appreciative of what I do, then so should I! After all, he's one smart cookie - he married me, didn't he?:LOL

So thank you again for sharing and giving me such inspiration! :love

saphire

05-11-2005, 10:32 AM

Dh really helps to remove any ideas of guilt by acknowledging to anybody that without my being at home to take care of him and the kids he couldn't be where he is today. He knows that by me doing the majority of work at home it frees him up to do his job well, and is then able to come home and do what he wants to do. He also knows our kids are well taken care of, no worries about outside child care. He shows me how he values my work at home. And he'll still often pitch in when I need more help. I love my dh more than words can express, and I am very fortunate to spend my life wilth him.

RileysMomma

05-11-2005, 01:02 PM

Sometimes I feel the slightest pang of guilt, but it quickly goes away. DH and I had long talked about me SAH when we had children, and since I actually worked at a daycare, it didn't make sense for me to PAY to care for my own child.

RileysMomma

05-11-2005, 01:03 PM

allilyn11

05-11-2005, 02:05 PM

I only feel bad for myself sometimes when there is something I want to buy and I can't! LOL I plan to have a career when my kids are in school, so when I get down about not making any money, I think about how quickly this time at home will pass and it makes me forget about whatever material thing I think is so important to have.
Really, though, I'm saving us money. We aren't paying for daycare. We aren't paying for gas in my car to get to work, clothes, lunches, etc. When I do have a career, I will have a housekeeper. Sahms are worth a lot of money! LOL

MoMommy

05-11-2005, 02:10 PM

Sometimes. I mostly feel guilty that he is sitting behind some boring desk somewhere looking at a bunch of numbers, while I get to be here, playing around at MDC while my precious baby sleeps on my lap. Moneywise, I feel bad that he is working to pay off my student loans and my car. I accrued both of those debts before we were married so I kind of feel like I should be paying them off myself, ykwim?

RubyWild

05-11-2005, 02:55 PM

Honestly, I never feel guilty for that. I haven't even thought of it. I've thought about the $35,000 we still owe for student loans, but I work hard doing what I'm supposed to be doing. My husband works hard doing what he's supposed to be doing. Neither one of us would want to be a two income household becuase that would mean that someone else was raising our child X number of hours per day. That would make us all sad.

Amys1st

05-11-2005, 03:01 PM

Besides, I do contribute financially to our family. I save our family thousands of dollars a year on groceries, clothing, utilities, etc., because I have the time to spend on money-saving activities in these areas. I shop at 5 different stores each week to keep the grocery bill as low as possible; I hang the laundry to dry; I Freecycle, trade, and search the thrift shops for bargains on clothing; I cook from scratch rather than eating out or making convenience meals; imo my kids are healthier because I am monitoring their environment at all times, which means fewer doctor bills; etc., etc., etc. In addition, we pay nothing for daycare. These are all financial contributions, even if I am not actually earning money.

I think that about says it. I now know how I contribute financially as well.
Thanks!

Goldenlover

05-21-2005, 07:29 PM

I have been a working mom and a SAHM and love both :)

I do feel bad somedays but i know we are better off :)

GOPLawyer

05-26-2005, 10:38 PM

Oh gosh no! I may not be bringing in any money but I am CERTAINLY contributing to the family. :)

tyedyedeyes

05-27-2005, 08:30 PM

Sometimes I feel a little guilty. We are struggling big time over here, but we did make this decision together. I wish I could go and spend a little money on myself sometimes. But, it's worth it to be able to SAH. I love being a SAHM, and wouldn't even consider putting DS in a daycare. What's the point!?!? So he can get sick every other week and he has to share the attention of one caregiver to how many other kids? And I get to pay for it? :irked: No way. Besides being as frugal as I can be so we save money, I also try to sell plasma at least once a week. It gives me an hour to read my book each time, a little alone time, and I am doing something good for a person who is in need of plasma, such as hemophiliacs or burn victims. :thumb DH stays with DS, and it gives them one-on-one time as well. Bonus, if I go twice a week, it's forty-seven bucks. (20 first donation, 27 second donation) That's just under 200 bucks a month, for about eight or nine hours. More money than I've ever made for 8 hours worth of doing nothing.... :)