Terminating Parental Rights?

[Maggie Mae]

Has anyone had experience with terminating parental rights?

DD's bio-dad has not seen her in over a year and the only contact he's made is one phone call to me over 5 months ago. He's up on his 4th or 5th DUI charge and facing more serious prision time so its not likely he'll be able to make contact anytime soon. Nor does he seem to want to...

Our state statutes say that if a 'no-contact' order has been in place for a year or more parental rights can be terminated. At the end of the month it'll have been a year since the judge signed revised orders stating that "placement will be suspended temproarily".... I wonder if that counts? I plan to ask my attorney, but what I'm really wondering about is what's best for DD

Her bio dad is an active alcoholic and has never really been able to be present in her life. He did get sober for a while about 4 years ago, but it didn't last and she doesn't remember it. We never lived together as a family and I married DH in 03. DS is nearly a year old and it looks and feels like a 'normal' family. DH is DDs dad for all intents and purposes. He wants to adopt her, and DD wants to change her last name to DH's.

But I wonder about the long-term impact. DD doesn't talk about her bio-dad anymore and never missed him. (Really. We talked and talked about it and he was never around enough for her to get attached to) I'm sure one day she'll want something more than what's she's got from her bio-dad, but who knows?

Anyone been through this? I'd love to hear what other families have done in a case where a bio-parent has just really not been present. How did you move on? What (if anything) did you do to make it official?

TIA

[Flor]

I haven't been through it but from what I understand phone calls count as contact and even having a court case going counts as contact. Pretty dumb, eh?

[mumof4]

I have 4 children 2 from first husband and second from my current dh. Anyhow my x and i split at the beginning of my pregnancy with #2. He was abusive in manyways and an alcoholic. We had no contact for months after i finally left. He even just gave me sole custody no access to our ds#1. However i guess he must have regretted that cause afterr #2 was born he decided that he wanted to be an active dad again. I did as best i could to keep him away from my children I didnt want them to be thru what I had. The courts orderred him joint custody of #2 but he has never had a chance to take #1 and this is 6 years later! My ds is 8 now and he dont care, he loves his stepdad as his own, he even calls him dad. My X takes #2 for visits sometimes buys her stuff but it is like #1 had never existed which is just fine with him. He dont call him dad or refer to him ever it is so long ago nw that he just plain dont care or know anything any diff. My dh is super with my son. As i am figurein your dh is as well. I feel this is a more stable home and situation for him moreso than dd who is a very confused little girl :( She dont know if she is coming or going as he is not predictable at all. Something the courts fail to acknowledge.

I think you are doing the best thing for you child, looking out for their best interests is what we moms do best!

Jodie

[PrincessMommie]

The courts orderred him joint custody of #2 but he has never had a chance to take #1 and this is 6 years later!

OMG, that is so screwed up! IMO if they don't want 1, they should get none...how disgusting our 'system' is. :irked:

[prmom]

just fyi...I was a caseworker in Indiana and at least in this state if parental termination is taking place it must be done on both parents not one or the other. The reason being is mostly due to child support. I also think in order for an adoption to occur the bio dad needs to sign off his rights (only exception to one parent being terminated) my understanding is though that he must sign off voluntarily. Beyond that I don't know what more you can do, but cutting off all contact sounds like it would be in the best interest of the child.

[MsMoMpls]

My oldest's father was in and out the first eight years of his life... mostly out but a few years he was really a good dad. When Nate was 8, and starting to have mental health issues, his father decided it was more than he could take and told Nate he didn't want to be a dad. (In a letter :( ) Now, when he is 20, he still has no contact with him. He has some contact with his paternal grandmother who is clear that her son's decision isn't fair. I suspect that the story isn't over. As Nate is getting more successful and proud of himself, I think he will initiate contact again soon.

So- in answer to your question... I am glad that my hands are clean. Nate knows that I never did anything to keep his father from him. That was fully his father's decision. Nate knows that I loved his father but that his father isn't good at relationships. It wasn't about me, and it isn't about him. Nate knows his father. He is human and real. Not a fantasy, not a myth. Just a guy who kind of sucks.

I think that even a lousy role model, is a role model and Nate is the same age now that we were when we accidentally got pregnant and boy does he have a lot more understanding of how difficult our decisions were. I know that he takes birth control very serious. He will never be able to be a distant father. He is really starting to appreciate his stepfather, especially as he watches how much his little brothers are loved and how well his mother is supported.

Long answer, and really not much of an answer, just sharing my story.

[Maggie Mae]

Thanks for sharing your experience Maureen - very helpful!

Your comment about 'clean hands' really resonated with me. More than anything I want to "do the right thing" - whatever that is. But judging from the gut-reaction I had reading your story, I realize that I won't feel right about keeping DD away from her bio dad for any reason other than fear for her safety and well being.

Right now I think those fears are justified by bio dad's behavior, but who knows what the future will hold...

I'm still planning to talk to my atty, just to explore the options, but for now my confusion is a sign that I ought to wait.

Thanks to everyone for sharing ideas and stories!

[wendy1221]

just fyi...I was a caseworker in Indiana and at least in this state if parental termination is taking place it must be done on both parents not one or the other. The reason being is mostly due to child support. I also think in order for an adoption to occur the bio dad needs to sign off his rights (only exception to one parent being terminated) my understanding is though that he must sign off voluntarily. Beyond that I don't know what more you can do, but cutting off all contact sounds like it would be in the best interest of the child.

Actually, we live in Indiana right now and it was pretty easy. It's not final yet, but since my x refused the certified letter from my lawyer (that would have told him to either sign off or be prepared for a court date), we just had to publish a notice in a local paper (local to ex in VA) that my son was being adopted by my husband and that x's parental rights were also being terminated at the same time. It's been about 5 years since we had any contact. I get about $200 in child support every month (how that is figured is bogus IMO) but only because it is taken directly from his paychecks and sent to us.

[mommykof5]

Coming from a child ...

My mother married my father when I was about4 or so. I have a biological father. It was never really an issue to me. I love my dad. He held me when I was scared, he held me when I cried, he cried when I had my babies. He is my Dad. My biological father is in another state. At 15 my dad adopted me legally. Although all through life I have always used his last name. I have been in contact with my bio logical father recently. After 30 years I thought it might be nice to talk to him. My mother had never made any disparaging remarks about him. We talked via the internet once a few weeks back. He seemed all happy to hear from me. I gave him my e-mail addy and he has not e-mailed me yet. Oh well. Am I a heartbroken person because of it? No. I feel it's his problem if he does not want to get to know me.

My advice... do what you feel is best for your family. If dd is old enough have a frank and honest conversation. Do not bad talk her bio father just state facts in an open and honest loving way. Let her know that there may come a time when she may want contact with him as she grows into woman hood. Let her know that it is ok to feel that way. If she asks questions answere them honestly. I wouldn't say "He's a drunk." Just that he has a problem with alcohoal and that right now he really needs to work on that issue. I never felt "cheated" just loved and yet I still knew I had a father out there that did not try to contact me. Children take thier cues from their parents. Remain calm and strong. I wish you the best of luck.

[AdoptChina]

My ex's parental rights were terminated and DH adopted him.......we had to hire an attorney (who hired some service) to serve ex with court papers.....he never responded to them and the judge terminated his rights....I think it really depends on what state you are in....

[djs_girl517]

Another post from the kid's POV:

My biological father walked out when I was 3 weeks old because he wasn't ready to be a daddy. Apparently he visited once or twice before their divorce was finalized when I was about 18 months old. After that, he never tried to see me or talk to me, and never sent any child support. My mom eventually terminated his parental rights. The biggest reason was that if anything happened to her she didn't want me to have to be raised by this stranger just because his name was on my birth certificate.

She married my Dad just before I turned 4, and he adopted me just before I turned 6. He built me a playhouse in the backyard when my little sister was born, taught me to ride without training wheels, picked me up from school when I had chicken pox, taught me to drive a stick, and walked me down the aisle when I got married. He is my daddy in every sense of the word except biological.

My mom never talked bad about my sperm donor to me. She always tried to let me know where her fault may have been in their separation and his not coming around (granted, the woman is difficult to deal with at times, but I was his first-born for crying out loud!) Even after his rights were terminated, she never kept him from seeing me -he just never tried. When I was 12, and going through a really rough phase, she tracked down his parents and made arrangements for me to meet them. Though them I met my biological father. I stopped at the airport on the way home to call my Daddy and tell him I loved him.

I'm glad my mom did things the way she did. I have seen my bio father two or three times, the last being when I was 17 yo getting ready to join the Navy. He promised to send me a picture or my half-brother and half-sister in a birthday card for me 18th birthday. I'll be 27 next month and I've never seen a card or picture. Oh well. It was tough to come to terms with, but I have, and I don't waste any emotion on him any more.

ETA: Mom was in Texas when she had his rights terminated - she was able to do it because he hadn't paid a dime of child support in over 12 months.

[Seasons]

we just had to publish a notice in a local paper (local to ex in VA) that my son was being adopted by my husband and that x's parental rights were also being terminated at the same time. It's been about 5 years since we had any contact. I get about $200 in child support every month (how that is figured is bogus IMO) but only because it is taken directly from his paychecks and sent to us. Wendy , I'm a little confused. If your ex's parental rights were terminated, why does he still have to pay child support? (I mean, it sounds like a GREAT deal, just different that anything i've ever read -- I understood that termination ended the parent's support responsibility, usually even for back support.)

[Satori]

Wendy , I'm a little confused. If your ex's parental rights were terminated, why does he still have to pay child support? (I mean, it sounds like a GREAT deal, just different that anything i've ever read -- I understood that termination ended the parent's support responsibility, usually even for back support.)

I'm guessing its back support. dd's father will owe us $22K after the termination is what I have been told but I plan on asking the judge about it.

[JesiLynne]

If Dh and I could terminate bio mom we would.
She has never really been a part of dd's life and even told us last year she was gonna terminate her right but has now changed her mind b/c she can't have anymore kids by her own choice (tubes tied) and is basically being guilt triped by her own mom. :eyesroll :angry

She walked out on dh and dd when dd was a almost 2
But now that she wants back in a very reputable lawyer with 37 years experience told us it probobaly iswnt gonna happen even if we try.

So now instead of "being a parent" she is just picking up dd and taking her out to places and buying her toys and having fun.

She wants the benefits of being a mom with out taking on any of the responsiblty.

And she owes dd $10 k plus

[qsmama]

I think that most states have a "if they havent seen them for ----than you send a letter and publish in the paper" after you have fulfilled the inform the other parent as long as your spouse is adopting and the other parent does not contest than you should be fine.
As far as your child, I think it is real important that you take a stand to protect them, b/c some unstable or plan out bad parents will keep you on a roller coaster ride and change their minds and cause more harm than good.
If the rights are terminated and your husband adopts there is nothing to stop you from letting her continue to see him if it is good and enriching for her. This way, the only kind of contact will be safe and healthy.
I tried to let an unstable parent be part of my childs life and it turned out to be hell for him and very emotionally damaging. I wish I had done an open adoption when I had the chance.

Best of luck to both of you.

Jill

[rebeccalizzie]

Here is my situation, FWIW. My DD has never met her biological father, he decided he didn't want any contact while I was still pregnant. I spoke to an atty when she was about 2 or 3 about terminating, and was told not to bother, because if he changed his mind later the termination may not hold water (looks like he was totally wrong about that--the atty is kind of odd, I wouldn't recommend him to anyone). I wouldn't have done it anyway, honestly, because I figured if he showed back up I'd let him have supervised contact with her anyway for her sake, so what was the point of terminating? My dad was (and is) alcoholic, *very* uninvolved, didn't pay his child support, etc. I still love him, because he's my dad, and we have a minimal relationship, I just don't like him a heck of a lot.

However, if your DH is going to adopt your child, that's different (easier, IMO). My DH adopted my DD when she was 6. At that point, we had to publish a notice in the paper of whatever city we thought he lived in, if he didn't respond parental rights were terminated and we could proceed with the adoption. Quick and pretty painless.

Edited to add: in my state, because her biological is not on the birth certificate, I make all the rules. Until the court rules otherwise, the mom has sole custody, and since in my case the biological father was an okay person--just flaky and irresponsible--I didn't have a huge problem with him getting visitation if he decided he wanted it a few years later. I couldn't imagine the mom-friendly courts in my state giving him much more than every other weekend, if that. Joint custody is still pretty rare here unless both parents want it, in divorce cases if Dad tries for joint custody he has to prove Mom at least partially unfit. Sucks, but there it is.

[cunninghamt12204]

I am probably the only one that will say this, but really consider the options before you do this. I am not familiar with laws, but my father was on my birth certificate, never gave up parental rights, and I was still adopted. I don't know if laws have changed (i'm almost 30), but children really need to know. My parent were very honest with me about what had happened, and I was too young to ever know. I don't know your intentions, but if they are to negate the father completely - it will never work. You don't want too look like the bad guy in 15-20 years when you were only trying to do whats best. I suggest you contact an attourney. Perhaps if you live close to another state you can manage everything, parenting laws to carry over. At least I know that.

[Satori]

I am probably the only one that will say this, but really consider the options before you do this. I am not familiar with laws, but my father was on my birth certificate, never gave up parental rights, and I was still adopted. I don't know if laws have changed (i'm almost 30), but children really need to know. My parent were very honest with me about what had happened, and I was too young to ever know. I don't know your intentions, but if they are to negate the father completely - it will never work. You don't want too look like the bad guy in 15-20 years when you were only trying to do whats best. I suggest you contact an attourney. Perhaps if you live close to another state you can manage everything, parenting laws to carry over. At least I know that.

Your bio fathers rights were terminated when you were adopted by your step father. Having his name on the birth certificate means nothing. A new one was issued when your adoption was complete that had your step fathers name on it. Perhaps your parents just never shared that fact with you? I'm sorry if you were not aware of this.

[cunninghamt12204]

I am almost 30, and am still recieving back child support. He finally got his life together after all these years, and have seen the adoption papers. Like I said I don't know current or statuatory laws, but I don't think that's what happened here.

[Satori]

Here is my situation, FWIW. My DD has never met her biological father, he decided he didn't want any contact while I was still pregnant. I spoke to an atty when she was about 2 or 3 about terminating, and was told not to bother, because if he changed his mind later the termination may not hold water (I don't know if that is true or not, though--that atty is kind of odd). I wouldn't have done it anyway, honestly, because I figured if he showed back up I'd let him have contact with her anyway for her sake, so what was the point of terminating?


Your atty is incorrect and 1) its harder then hell to get the decision overturned and 2) it has to be done within X amount of time of the decision. (usually a year) The point of terminating is he could show up at any time and take your daughter or challenge you for custody. Do you want to have to allow him to show up drunk and demand to see your child or make her like miserable? or do you want the ability to control the visits and have it be on your terms? It sucks, you cant file for sole custody without serving him but if you cant find him you cant serve him and he can walk up and take your child at any time and you never see your child again and its legal. Your only recourse to protect your child is to terminate.

[Satori]

I am almost 30, and am still recieving back child support. He finally got his life together after all these years, and have seen the adoption papers. Like I said I don't know current or statuatory laws, but I don't think that's what happened here.

He's paying the back support from before the adoption is all. The back c/s is always owed unless the judge orders it put aside.

[qsmama]

The other thing to consider is if you die the other natural parent will automatically get your child. Who do you want to raise your child in that unfortunate situation. This thought haunts me everyday. Like I said before, you do not have to cut off all contact if that is what is best for your child you can have an open adoption. You could research info about open adoptions. Than your child can have the best of both worlds per se and you can have peace of mind.

Peace and love

qsmama

[Satori]

:yeah: too

[rebeccalizzie]

Your atty is incorrect and 1) its harder then hell to get the decision overturned and 2) it has to be done within X amount of time of the decision. (usually a year) The point of terminating is he could show up at any time and take your daughter or challenge you for custody. Do you want to have to allow him to show up drunk and demand to see your child or make her like miserable? or do you want the ability to control the visits and have it be on your terms? It sucks, you cant file for sole custody without serving him but if you cant find him you cant serve him and he can walk up and take your child at any time and you never see your child again and its legal. Your only recourse to protect your child is to terminate.

Ugh. In that case, I apologize for giving bad advice! DD's biological father is not on the birth cert, so in my state I do have automatic sole custody unless he files for some kind of visitation. I don't have to let him see her at all until the court orders me to do so (and now that the adoption is final, he doesn't have any rights period.) So I was going by my experience, and should have realized that my state is not every state!

Again, I'm sorry...I'm not going to delete my post, but I think I'll do a quick edit.

Rebecca

[Raynbow]

Phone calls, birthday cards, letters - even COURT mandated child support all count as "contact".

The easiest way to do this is for him to agree (point out the benefits - no child support) and voluntarily sign the papers.

[boobybunny]

As for other parent getting custody if you die, that is wrong. IF something happens to me, hubby takes ex to court, armed with "continuation of life," the school that is available to them here (spanish immersion), their baby brother, family, and my wishes.

There is an off chance that my former spouse might get the older two kids, but I have been told that my hubby would have to be a complete F up. (which he is not)

[qsmama]

As for other parent getting custody if you die, that is wrong. IF something happens to me, hubby takes ex to court, armed with "continuation of life," the school that is available to them here (spanish immersion), their baby brother, family, and my wishes.

There is an off chance that my former spouse might get the older two kids, but I have been told that my hubby would have to be a complete F up. (which he is not)
I really hope that is true for you and myself but lawyers say lots of things. My three lawyers over the years have all told me that the bio parent will always get the child in case of death unless you can prove them unfit and maybe the step-parent can fight for visitation at best. I have spent time researching case law on this and have never found a case where a step-parent won parental/custodial rights unless the other parent was deemed unfit.

I would love to find out any other info b/c we would also like to fight for continuation of life....but I have not seen anything to give me much hope.

Best regards,

qsmama

[Khadijah]

I thought about this as well. Im now married. Had my first child at 15 The father of the baby said he didnot want anything to do with the child from the get go.Anyway he was ordered to pay child support. He paided it off and on, for a while and then he stopped. He hasent payed anything in over ayear. He not even on my childs birth cetificate. I thought about revoking his right but then thought I didnot want to have to deal with him again. And I havent seem him in years and dont care too. I look at it this way anyone can have a child but it takes a real man to raise him. Even know my first son is my husbands kid he said he dosent care. Hes raising him like he is his child. And since my child has never seen his real dad in the first place. He dosent know him as dad, and calls my husband dad.Thought about changing his name but i figure that last name is the name he started out with and the only one he will ever know Because a name dosent mean anything and your kid will know who raised him and treated him good. And to all the deadbeat Dads and you know who you are :angry you will get whats comming to you.

[trinity6232000]

If Dh and I could terminate bio mom we would.
She has never really been a part of dd's life and even told us last year she was gonna terminate her right but has now changed her mind b/c she can't have anymore kids by her own choice (tubes tied) and is basically being guilt triped by her own mom. :eyesroll :angry

She walked out on dh and dd when dd was a almost 2
But now that she wants back in a very reputable lawyer with 37 years experience told us it probobaly iswnt gonna happen even if we try.

So now instead of "being a parent" she is just picking up dd and taking her out to places and buying her toys and having fun.

She wants the benefits of being a mom with out taking on any of the responsiblty.

And she owes dd $10 k plus

I know this is a old post, but I just saw it today.

My dd's Dad is what I called (in my mind, never to dd) a "Holiday
Dad". He would bounce in lavish her with presents (the ones I
would never buy myself). Take her to Burger King or Mc D's
(food I am not comfortable with her eating). He never paid me
child support (I never fought for it either). Every once and awhile
he would hand me $20. A year ago he exited for good, his new
gf "isn't interested in kids".
So my dd has been Bio-Dad free for one year now. We still talk
about him. She pulls her pictures out of him, and we talk about
good times.

What I am trying to say is while it's natural to want to shield our
children (and this girl is your child in every sense of the word) from
pain. We don't want them to feel unwanted, or less than. But those
little moments, no matter how fleeting, they can mean a lot to a
young child.
There will come a time where your dd realizes that her Bio-Mom
wasn't as active in her life as Mother's should be. It's hard, but put
aside all the feelings of "She wants the benefits of being a mom with
out taking on any of the responsibility." aside and just forget about it.
OH how I know how hard that is. I know it seems it would be the best
thing if you could have the Bio-Mom's rights terminated. Then there
are times with my dd I would give anything for her Dad to pop in and
be a holiday dad again.

My dd has a Father Daughter relationship with my own Father. She
has the love of a Daddy, just like your dd has the love of Mommy from
you. So having that extra person who does the present thing, although
confusing, sad, and small it can be a benefit.

As I write this it seems really weird that I am the person typing these
words. Maybe I am wrong, but I had to post my feelings on this subject. :o

[PinkyPan]

I'm in PA, ending parental rights in this state means the dad is abusive, doesn't want child, neglectful due to drug/alcohol, etc. It means he gets No Contact because he could injure/damage the child. His resposibility for bringingthe child into the world does not end - he pays. I have had no contact custody and PFA for 3 1/2 yr and his rights have not been terminated yet.

[Satori]

I was at both the court house and the child support office today and in the state of CA once the parent is terminated they no longer have to pay future support, they do how ever have to pay arrears. They all got a kick out of the fact that the state found and attached dd's bio dads pay check the day they terminated his rights last week :LOL

[my5headedmonster]

Has anyone had experience with terminating parental rights?



we are actually going through this right now. luckily my daughter's bio-dad has agreed to sign whatever papers he needed to.
he hasn't seen my daughter since 2001. she is almost 8 and doesn't remember him, but we do talk about the adoption. let me know if you have any questions about the step parent adoptions.

[wendy1221]

I'm in PA, ending parental rights in this state means the dad is abusive, doesn't want child, neglectful due to drug/alcohol, etc. It means he gets No Contact because he could injure/damage the child. His resposibility for bringingthe child into the world does not end - he pays. I have had no contact custody and PFA for 3 1/2 yr and his rights have not been terminated yet.

That's not true. I'm from PA and I was told that after having no contact for 2 years (but court ordered child support is considered contact) it was easy to have parental rights terminated. Unless the laws have changed in the last 4 years... I was told it wasn't really worth it unless I got married and my dh wanted to adopt--which is what happened, but by then we'd moved to IN where the laws are different.

And I totally missed the question I was asked all those months ago. I am still receiving support--but that's because until we go to court and ds is adopted, ds's bio dad's rights are not considered terminated. We don't have the money right now to finish the process, so we're waiting--and saving up the support to pay the lawyer! LOL! Our lawyer is a good friend of mine (but she's not doing it for free!) so she's happy to hold off and take better paying jobs until we have the money.

[Satori]

Wendy,

Why don't you do the adoption yourself? You don't need a lawyer to do it.

[lisamarie]

naking.....but a few years ago when my dh adopted my ds, i handled it all. the county social workers really walked me through the process and the paperwork. it cost us half of what an attorney wanted to charge us.

good luck-

lisa:nak

[wendy1221]

Because ds's dad refused to sign and terminate his parental rights, we have to go to court to have the judge decree it done. So we're having that and the adoption done in one fell swoop. Oh, and same w/ the name change. Ds has his bio dad's last name and you can't change names here in IN w/out going to court (maybe it's just this county). It should be a no-brainer, but apparently sometimes it's more a big deal around here. I don't kow if it's b/c of IN's laws or what, but I've talked to people who did and they told me I really needed a lawyer.

[Satori]

Because ds's dad refused to sign and terminate his parental rights, we have to go to court to have the judge decree it done. So we're having that and the adoption done in one fell swoop. Oh, and same w/ the name change. Ds has his bio dad's last name and you can't change names here in IN w/out going to court (maybe it's just this county). It should be a no-brainer, but apparently sometimes it's more a big deal around here. I don't kow if it's b/c of IN's laws or what, but I've talked to people who did and they told me I really needed a lawyer.


You can do it yourself quite easy, you do not need a lawyer. Just have faith in yourself! I posted over in the step parenting forum like a month ago with a website for those in your state, go check it out. You CAN do this yourself, it may sound scary but you can do it!

[sabrinat]

Phone calls, birthday cards, letters - even COURT mandated child support all count as "contact".

The easiest way to do this is for him to agree (point out the benefits - no child support) and voluntarily sign the papers.

Yes, but what are you options if the only time you ever hear from him is if his income tax get's intercepted or his child support gets raised. My situation is that my ds's bio dad hasn't seen him since he was 3 (7yrs) never calls for bd's or xmas. but if it has to do with $$ he is on the phone so fast, not asking about ds, but the $$. I have asked him each time we've had the $$ discussion to relinquish his rights and let my dh adopt ds, but he refuses because it's "his seed". He has not tried to build a relationship with ds. I feel like we're in limbo. I don't understand why he insist on hanging on when he doesn't really want to do what it takes to be in ds's life. What can I do? I get c/s, but only becuz it's garnished.

[Satori]

Yes, but what are you options if the only time you ever hear from him is if his income tax get's intercepted or his child support gets raised. My situation is that my ds's bio dad hasn't seen him since he was 3 (7yrs) never calls for bd's or xmas. but if it has to do with $$ he is on the phone so fast, not asking about ds, but the $$. I have asked him each time we've had the $$ discussion to relinquish his rights and let my dh adopt ds, but he refuses because it's "his seed". He has not tried to build a relationship with ds. I feel like we're in limbo. I don't understand why he insist on hanging on when he doesn't really want to do what it takes to be in ds's life. What can I do? I get c/s, but only becuz it's garnished.

You still have several options, how about using "extreme parental disinterest" many states allow that one.

[sabrinat]

I'm intrigued. I've never heard of that one...I even consulted an attorney once about termination and she never mentioned this. We live in NC. How do I find out if that's an option for us.

[Satori]

I'm intrigued. I've never heard of that one...I even consulted an attorney once about termination and she never mentioned this. We live in NC. How do I find out if that's an option for us.

You can file under disinterest or best interest of the child http://library.adoption.com/Termination-of-Parental-Rights/Grounds-for-Termination-of-Parental-Rights-North-Carolina/article/8623/1.html

[sabrinat]

thanks for the info, I'm going to check it out!

[kunder77]

Im confused My husbands ex his wanting him to award her sole custody and terminate his visitation. He has decided for the children not to see them anymore, the mother has constantley put them in the middle and has turned them against dad, they dont want to come over any more. He doesnt want to give her full custody and not have a chance to see them and have to still pay.
my point is she has made our lifes a living hell and has put he kids in the middle. she is just trying to get more support, cuz she refuses to work.I fthey argree to relinquish his rights does he still pay support ? we are in arizona.

[trinity6232000]

Im confused My husbands ex his wanting him to award her sole custody and terminate his visitation. He has decided for the children not to see them anymore, the mother has constantley put them in the middle and has turned them against dad, they dont want to come over any more. He doesnt want to give her full custody and not have a chance to see them and have to still pay.
my point is she has made our lifes a living hell and has put he kids in the middle. she is just trying to get more support, cuz she refuses to work.I fthey argree to relinquish his rights does he still pay support ? we are in arizona.

Your husbands ex can't just demand this is what I want and legally
get it. It's one thing if she wants sole custody but she can't just
tell him to terminate his visitation.
Is your husband behind on his child support? If he is he will still be
responsible to pay that amount if rights are terminated.
Why doesn't your husband be a hero and go to court to work some
thing out with child support and visitation with his children. If they
have a visitation schedule his ex will have to make it work.
If he doesn't want to pay child support then maybe he shouldn't have
had children. Despite the Mothers actions. Getting rights terminated
isn't always easy, especially if another party isn't adopting the children.

[Satori]

If he doesn't want to pay child support then maybe he shouldn't have
had children. Despite the Mothers actions. Getting rights terminated
isn't always easy, especially if another party isn't adopting the children.


Wow, bit harsh aren't we? Maybe they had a happy marriage when they were born, we don't know and its not for us to judge. I don't agree with the posters line of thinking about terminating but wow, that was just harsh.


ps: depending on the state the child support obligation may not end at termination, I know of at least 1 state that requires continuing support.

[trinity6232000]

Wow, bit harsh aren't we? Maybe they had a happy marriage when they were born, we don't know and its not for us to judge. I don't agree with the posters line of thinking about terminating but wow, that was just harsh.


I'm sorry if it sounds judgmental or harsh. It's a serious statement.
Child support is for the welfare of children. If the Mother of the children
is harming the relationship between the children and their Father then
he should try to work out every option he has to make it better.
But giving up rights to children who have a relationship to you doesn't
seem like a option.

But lets imagine that it is too much for Father to handle. The mess
that the Mother is creating. Wouldn't you still want to support your
kids knowing that it's in their best interest to keep paying child support?
The children are already suffering in the loss of a relationship with a
Dad who is ready to quit. Why should they suffer financially too?

I don’t see how the reality of the situation is harsh. Somebody has
kids they should want the best for those kids. If they don’t want to
support them they should have thought about that before the kids
were born. Not now that it’s become inconvenient.

[monkeymommy3]

Definatley harsh. I get what they are saying. Correct me if I am wrong, but bio mom has made life hell for kids, kids life consist of hate campaign toward father, father thinking of terminating rights for the kids sake, to ease the tension for them. I can understand that, as my DH and I have been going through same thing for over 5yrs and it is exhuasting in eery way.

[woobysma]

For those of you that successfully TPR'd - was there a form that you filed with the court and where did you find it? I don't know where to begin. I'm pretty savvy online, but I just feel like I'm lost here.

TIA!

[Satori]

For those of you that successfully TPR'd - was there a form that you filed with the court and where did you find it? I don't know where to begin. I'm pretty savvy online, but I just feel like I'm lost here.

TIA!

I got mine from the court house, only 2 forums I needed were actually online in my state. The rest came from the court or I had to write them myself.

[papayapetunia]

In a lot of states, parents' rights cannot be terminated unless someone else is adopting that child. (Aside from CPS cases.) The reason for this is that abusive ex-husbands would bully the battered ex-wives into agreeing to terminate his rights so he could get out of child support. Just a little FYI for ya. You might want to check what the laws are in your state.

[woobysma]

Thanks ladies - I guess I'll take a field trip to my court house next week.

I know it's easier to TPR when you have someone willing to step in immediately, but I figured I'd try it before the wedding and postpone it until after if it looks like it's too difficult now. DP and I will very likely get married soon, but I didn't want to feel like I was rushing down the isle because of this, kwim? He's been super supportive on this, so I don't think he'd see it as an ulterior motive, but I'd rather not have a pending adoption be an issue :wink

[papayapetunia]

We're about to file the paperwork for my husband to adopt my daughter. I don't think bio-dad will sign a consent. Just to be a dick. Hasn't paid child support in 7 years, hasn't seen her in a year, rarely saw her before that, didn't show up for the custody hearing. So I'll have to file a "Contested Adoption" which will take longer, and which means that I'll have to pay a process server to serve him with the papers, all for him to not even show up at the hearing.

Off topic, but had to vent. I know what it's like to have stuff pending when you just want to move forward.

[PA's momma]

I posted over in the step parenting forum like a month ago with a website for those in your state, go check it out. You CAN do this yourself, it may sound scary but you can do it!

hello to everyone, I am new to this site and have been looking for information of adoption process for step-parents.... My soon to be husband (04/22/06) has been raising PA since he was 2yr.. and since the wedding is in 48 hours I have been looking to get info on doing this adoption on the ball being that the "donor" has never even seen my son face to face.. the last time I spoke to him was around 3 yrs ago and he told me that same ol story "I'll try" but I have not seen it.. So if anyone could help me find what that info that Satori posted about those websites, I would appreciate it.. I really do not want to get a lawyer.. P.S. the only thing I have on the bio is a court order for child support that was made due to the fact that he never showed up to deny it.
Please some one:help

[woobysma]

You can file under disinterest or best interest of the child http://library.adoption.com/Termination-of-Parental-Rights/Grounds-for-Termination-of-Parental-Rights-North-Carolina/article/8623/1.html

Here's one of her links again - but I'd suggest just going to your local court-house and having someone help you gather the forms. It's on my "to-do" list :D

[RiverSky]

But I wonder about the long-term impact. DD doesn't talk about her bio-dad anymore and never missed him. (Really. We talked and talked about it and he was never around enough for her to get attached to) I'm sure one day she'll want something more than what's she's got from her bio-dad, but who knows?

I have been the child in this situation, sort of.

My father and mother divorced when I was less than 2, separated before my younger sibling was even born. My mother took care of us and though my father was ordered to pay child support, he did the first month then never again and we didn't even see him again either.

I spent my entire life thinking "good riddance to bad rubbish", not because my mother bad-mouthed him, but because I figured that a father who didn't want to be around his children was a waste of flesh anyway and I wasn't missing anything.

So if your DD seems to not care at all about her bio-father, great, wonderful, then I doubt she ever will. :thumb :D

My younger sibling, on the other hand, always seemed to feel the loss of our bio-father and I guess, daydream about how great it would be to be with him. :shrug I have had people insist to me that I must have missed my bio-dad and wanted to meet him and have him in my life, but I absolutely, 100% honestly never ever felt that way. As an adult, I actually found his address, accidentally and it's been years and I have not written or contacted him, I just don't even want any weird potential hassles in my life.

I hope you can terminate bio-dad's rights but make sure that this is what your DD wants. My mother talked to us a few times in our childhood about our step-father adopting us and I always said "no", I just wanted to stay the way I was, my mother's legal daughter. Of course, it never occurred to me that there could be a problem if my mother ever passed away. But if your DD does want to be adopted by her step-father (ask her and tell her that she can say no if she wants, or she can wait to make the decision), then I'd say "go for it!"

[woobysma]

I agree, I would talk to your dd about it (it sounds like you already did) before I went through with something legally. My DS met his father once when he was 7 - and liked him, but it was more that he was attached to the idea of a "dad" than to his actual bio-father. He's much more attached to DP than to my ex. He refers to his father by his first name or as "the guy who helped mom get the baby" (talking about himself) :lol and calls dp "dad". The idea that every child will have a burning desire to meet and get to know their bio-parents is false, IME - most kids are happier just to be loved on a daily basis and feel secure in the knowledge that the adults in their lives are there to protect and nurture them. Just my 2 cents.

[papayapetunia]

hello to everyone, I am new to this site and have been looking for information of adoption process for step-parents.... My soon to be husband (04/22/06) has been raising PA since he was 2yr.. and since the wedding is in 48 hours I have been looking to get info on doing this adoption on the ball being that the "donor" has never even seen my son face to face.. the last time I spoke to him was around 3 yrs ago and he told me that same ol story "I'll try" but I have not seen it.. So if anyone could help me find what that info that Satori posted about those websites, I would appreciate it.. I really do not want to get a lawyer.. P.S. the only thing I have on the bio is a court order for child support that was made due to the fact that he never showed up to deny it.
Please some one:help

It really depends on what state you are in. The family court where you live may have a section to help pro se parties. You should just pay them a visit and ask. It doesn't seem like you need an attorney, since bio-dad is not contesting anything.