So tell us about your blended family!

[Destinye]

Well since we are here finally lets post!

I have a wonderful DH (most of the time) and 4 step-kids who are really great. 20, 18, 15 and 12 next week. We have DD 15 months.

The 20 year old we dont see much but he is now working with DH and getting along with him really well, and is fine with me, he has a DD a month older than us and is engaged.

The 18 year old has been very friendly to me and also has a DD 2 next week, and is also engaged to the father of their child, who is finishing college and working and supporting them all.

The 15 year old is really nice and lives with his maternal grandparents and he comes over a lot, and has really bonded with DD 15 months.

The 11 year old lives with his mother though he is not supposed to, and is meant to be with the grand-parents. However they are moving in with them this week. He has had a lot of issues though and is very jealous of me and DD, though still acts like he likes me, but feels very guilty doing so. He has been getting into trouble at school and she has him medicated for ADHD again though we had him off it last year. Its very hard as he is totally out of control, and she undermines everything DH and I do. We would like custody but would rather he came voluntarily. We will see how it works out with his grand-parents, as his mother has apparently realized she cannot handle him. The grandparents have really been great for DSD 15 though he is not too happy about his mother and brother moving in so who knows now.

So thats my blended family.

[gracklegirl]

My family is a little complicated, who's isn't? When dh married the ex, she had two ds's from different dads, and then they concieved her third. So dh was a sahd for this three kids for almost four years.

By then she had found the next guy. So now, we see my dh's bio ds(5) during the weekends, and we want to see him more. And we see the other two(10 & 13) whenever it's convenient for her. Dh loves them as his own and wishes to see them more. In a nutshell, saving the drama for other threads, this is my family.

And we are ttc and getting married in two weeks.

[OtherMother'n'Madre]

Ok here's mine:

Dh has a son from a previous marriage. He just turned four in October (DSS not DH.... :LOL ). He lives in Oregon with his mom and stepdad and his new baby brother. He is getting a new sister curtosy of us any time now! :LOL So I guess techinically speaking DSS has two half siblings. He reminds me of my situation more and more (I have two half siblings and come from a divorced family as well). That's it. Not a lot on that front. We talk every Friday and are going to get to go see him soon!!!!

[May May]

SUPER HAPPY
to see the 'blended families discussions' going on!
I've been waiting for this, as I believe we're slightly (or vastly ;) ) different families when we're blended.

My dh has a son (12.5) who lived with us for the first few years we were together, but never adjusted to living with siblings, so he lives with his mother, 3000 miles away. I have a dd (10) who was a toddler when my dh and I were married. Together, we have a ds (4.5).

Let's just say that, in the beginning, we thought we'd be the Brady Bunch. :eyesroll Oh, boy. . . .

and let's also just say that we've come a very long way since that naive day. :)

We're happy now, but it's taken a lot of education and self-reflection, not to mention effort.


I'm unable to elaborate much right this minute, (gotta get going. . .), but look forward to joining these conversations in the future.


I am so thankful this is here! :D

[outdoormom]

My family situation seems like it is tame compared to some of the posts!

I have a DS who is 7. I just remarried in October. My DH had never been married and does not bring any children to the mix. We are expecting a baby in Sept (did not find out sex).

My ex and I are still amicable and still consider each other friends...and I still kinda consider him family, but more like a brother or something. Anyway, from my DS's point of view the family is more complicated. My Ex has a long term live in GF. I pretty much have placed her in the role of step mother whether or not she "legally" is. She has 2 teenage daughters. They all love, support, and treat my DS as if he their biological relation.

My son often asks us who is in our family...the list is pretty long these days....we include my DH's parents (who are divorced and each remarried), my DH's sister and family, my parents, my brother's family, my Ex, his parents and siblings families, his GF, her daughters and her parents....i think that is everyone

Fortunately for all involved there isnt much tension.

Look forward to getting to know everyone better!

A

[lisamarie]

Hello everyone. I'm one of the new co-mods. here and also have a blended family. I have my ds who is 8 yo and his dad (my first dh) past away when he was 3 yo. A few years ago, I married my dh, Todd and together we have our dd, who just turned 2 yo last sunday. When our dd was a newborn, Todd adopted my ds, but our ds still calls him by his first name.

Looking forward to hearing everyone's story.

Warmly~

Lisa :slinggirl

[Shenjall]

Okay, heres mine!

I have a ds (11) from previous relationship; dh had 3 (ds 14; dd 12; and ds 9) and together we have 2 (ds 4 and dd 2).

We have had full custody for almost 5 years now. Happily, it only took a short time to adjust to one another. We are all very close.

Now, the ex's - theres a whole other story! :LOL But it looks like they are coming around too.

Well, thats us in a nutshell.

[myjulybabes]

Oh, I'm so happy to see this forum!

Ok, so I was one of those young adults that took a while to learn my lesson. All 3 of my kiddos have different bio-fathers. :bag: I don't have to deal with my birth son's father much, since Nick lives with my mom, and bio-dad gets alternating weekends, so I just plan my visits around that.

Margaret's bio-dad is now married for the second time, expecting his third child. (no, I was not one of the wives, thank goodness). Mags is the first, then C is 4 mos younger and has severe behavioral issues, and K is being born on Monday via c-section. They drive me up the wall, but they love Mags, so that's all that matters, right? RIGHT???? :irked: :LOL (I suspect I will have way more vents when the baby is here, but let's save that for another post)

Then in 2000, I married dh, and we had Aidan. For quite some time, dh was the only "daddy" Margart knew, as bio-dad was absent. So now she calls him Daddy and bio-dad Dad-Ryan. There was a time when dh was going to adopt her, but at the last minute, Ryan pulled his act together. She really has no concept of "step-dad". She's perfectly happy telling everyone she has 2 Daddies. Which can be fun if she doesn't mention that I'm her Mama, seeing as we live ina really conservative town. :LOL

[angelpie545]

K here's mine:

I have two daughters from a previous engagement to a man that started out nice but ended up an emotionally abusive, selfish, manipluative drug abuser. I have now been with a wonderful man for two years, and became engaged to him about a year ago; we plan to marry as soon as we can afford the wedding but there's no rush. My older daughter was two when I got together with him, and he has been more of a father to her than her bio dad so she calls him dad, and my younger one is now two but was four months when I met my fiance so she has no idea that he is not her bio dad, and just calls him dad. I plan on being open and honest with her once she is old enough to understand. My fiance is a really wonderful guy; he totally took in my kids as his own and even calls them his children; and his parents call them their grandkids and my kids call them grandma and grandpa. So thats the first part.........

Now my fiance also has a son from an ex who is six months older then my younger daugher. He doesn't see him at all b/c his ex is mentally unstable and he has no way to inforce his visitation rights due to some legal problems he has experienced. Once that is all taken care of we will try to establish a relationship with his son, but he's already 2 1/2 so we don't know how well that will go.......but oh well that's my blended family.

[ccohenou]

Hi all, interested to see this new area.
I am Cassidy, married to Eric since December 2002. Eric has a daughter Mia, now 6.5, from a previous (unmarried) relationship. We have joint custody of Mia; she is with us from Sunday morning through Wednesday evening. She also comes over after school on Thursday and Friday so she's around a lot :). I have known her since she was 3, almost half her life now. We also have a son, 1.5, and a new baby on the way in July.

Because Eric is working and in school, he's not around much, so it's just Mia and Simon and I a lot of the time. She is really a joy and a good kid, very easy to get along with so I count myself lucky. We are also fortunate to have fairly good relations with Mia's mom. So far we have not dealt with a lot of specific stepfamily issues, but it has still been challenging at times to work out our "slightly complicated" relationships over the years.

[Flor]

I became a full time step mama 5 years ago when dss was 5. His mom lived about 300 miles away at the time so I filled in that role. For the past two years his mom has lived closer and sees him regularly now. Dh and I also have a ds who is 20 months old. We gave him the same middle name as dss so they would feel connected.
The ex just had a baby boy, too, so now dss has another sibling plus she is supposed to get married so dss's family is growing a lot especially since when I met them, they were just a daddy/son pair.
I come from a blended family, too, though I was a product of the second marriage and never really thought about it much unlike my (half) siblings who lived with us full time from my dad's first marriage.
I think it is kinda strange that my dad had full custody of his kids in the 70's, and when I met dh, he had the same. My mom was a stepmom and now I am too. We feel like a very experienced blended family.

[Fluffhead]

My story is a little complicated but I will try to get through it and spare you guys too many yawns. I have to first say that I have been really hoping for a group of mamas on this board to come together because, well some of the issues you deal with in blended families just arent the same as they are in others...and Im so glad you guys are here. I posted a few weeks ago asking if there was a blended families forum and the next day I stumbled upon it in its early days. I went on bedrest for preterm labor a few days later so this is the first chance I have had to post.

I have two children from my first marriage, DD who just turned 7 years and DS who is 4.5 years. That marriage ended when I left ex-dh because he had/has a very bad substance abuse problem and is bipolar and would not get help for either of these things. There was alot of abuse (physical and sexual) in the weeks leading up to my leaving and the day I left, he assaulted me so badly I was hospitalized for three days. DS watched that assault in it's entirity and by the grace of god, DD was spending the weekend with my parents so she was not present. My leaving sparked a divorce and a very nasty custody battle that is still going on to this day. When I left I was granted a DVO by the court (which has expired) and I was awarded sole custody of both kiddos. My ex sued me for custody months later and we have been through mediation,psychological evaluations and will probably be going to trial in the near future to resolve this (I am fighting to keep sole custody but that is a whole another post). Because of the problems ex has, the kids started out with supervised visitations and he now sees them every other weekend but DS begs me to not "make him go" and has alot of fears about going there (another post another time). So with that history out in the open.....

I am now married to the most wonderful man in the world (most of the time) who has been a model of patience and reassuring love from the beginning. We have been married a year now and we are expecting our first child together, a baby girl, in just a few weeks. He has been a father in every single sense of the word for DD and DS and has been the one to wipe the tears, attend sports and school events, support them financially and emotionally, taught them to ride their bikes, you get the picture. He has stood beside from the beginning in all the court appearances for custody and has even paid for the majority of it all because he, in his heart, feels these are just as much his kids as they are mine. I couldnt ask for anymore and he came into my life at a time where I swore up and down I would have nothing to do with another man again :blah We love each other unconditionally and sincerely and he has brought so much to our family just in the way of patience and compassion. He has been so reassuring in my moments of doubt and healing. He is perfect yes :eyesroll but we still have our normal problems any family has and it has taken me a long time to realize that isnt always a bad thing.

DD and DS are so much happier today and aside from normal childhood stuff, they have really overcome alot of things. DD is very spirited and demanding....she is closest to my ex's family and sadly, that family uses material items to try and buy her off....but they dont provide the warm unconditional love that you and I call AP. She struggles between the two but is beginning to learn you cant buy love. She has alot of attitude which I am still trying to decide is normal age appropriate girl stuff or a result of everything that has happened. DS is about the sweetest little boy you could ever meet and his heart is as gold as they come. He is caring and selfless and I literally learn from him everyday. He has some developmental delays which he has made huge strides with (speech, etc) but overall he will eventually catch up. He struggles the most because ex and his family exclude him from everything (they favor DD) and because of everything he witnessed, he just has alot of fear of ex. Both DD and DS are so excited about having a new sister. I totally believe everything happens for a reason and even though we are a "blended" family, this is the family we were meant to grow and live with. I learn from all of them everyday and I really believe I am better person and mother because of them.

So thats me/us and I am really looking forward to reading and getting to know more about you guys. Again, I am so glad you all are here :)

[magnoliablue]

I have three of my own children, as you can see by my sig line. I am a soon to be step mom to two great boys, 14 and 18. We try to spend as much time as possible with them, and try to have the kids together as much as possible so that they can have a relationship. This summer the 14 year old will be spending part of the vacation with us, which will be a lot of fun for everyone.
My fiance has come into my family and become a loving role model and my kids love him. Because my children had been through so much during the marriage and the divorce, they need a lot of patience and understanding, and Jeff has given so much of this and more to all of them. I am very blessed to have such a gift,and so are my children.

[gethane]

Wow, how'd I miss this place?

I have three biracial (black/white) kids from my first marriage, ages 14, 12, and 11, and my dh and I have a little guy together. It will be my first experience stressing on baby sunscreen :)

My ex and I are civil and he takes his kids every other weekend, fri eve to sun noonish.

Its been remarkably uneventful for the most part, mostly due to civil relationship with ex and really laid back dh.

[singermom]

Just dipping my toe into this forum, so I guess I'd better introduce myself...

I have one sd who is 19 and a freshman in college. DH and I got together when she was 7, and married when she was 10. We have gone through the usual ups and downs of life, but had a decent enough relationship until--you guessed it--my kids started coming along, when sd was 14. We have had some pretty tense times over the last 5 years, although it is getting slightly better now. I don't feel that sd is in any way bonded with her sisters, though, and that is very sad to me. And it tears DH to bits. DD#1 asks for her older sister occasionally, and would like to be closer to her, but DD#2 can hardly recognize her if she sees her in a picture.

Obviously, there is more to say on this issue, but as this is a bit of a downer, I will just stop here for now.

Mia

[Katt2005]

I am new here too, so i figure this is the best thread to let you all know who I am.. :LOL
I have a 2 yr old daughter by an ex BF. And am pg with current SO's baby. We are still pretty new to the blended family thing, seeing as we have been together for almost a year now, and his ex is FINALLY realizing its over... :eyesroll He has 3 wonderful young boys. His ex hates me and wants me to have nothing to do with HER kids and HER ex. So ya see its pretty hard still. Cause he wants them to be friends, and not hate each other like his parents did. But part of that, causes problems with us here and there. Like She doesn't want me there when he picks up the kids or when she drops them off. So to keep her from starting anything at all, he does it. She uses the kids to talk to him about whatever, whenever. She makes him feel bad for leaving HER and the kids ALL the time. He actually almost left me cause she made him feel so bad about not seeing the boys very much, and since she hates me and uses ME as the reason. It felt to him like its the kids or me. Like she was gonna take them away if I was in the picture. Crap like that is always going on. He is getting better about not listening to her anymore, but then she throws how WE are having a baby and how he will see this baby ALL the time and hardly ever the boys, and then he gets panic stricken about how his boys are gonna hate him and blah blah, cause she is gonna say that stuff to them all the time. And like I try to tell him, its how YOU show your love mostly. But now it puts a fear in me that he isn't going to show much for this baby, due to feeling like he's doing more for this one than them. UGH...CRAZY I tell ya!!
Um, My family loves him and his kids. His family does not even acknowledge me. They think of me as a fling or something, like are ya done with her yet? I ahven't even been invited to any family get togethers, but his ex does EVERY time, and goes. Just like its nothing, like nothing has changed. SO says maybe this Thankgiving or Christmas I will be invited and she won't. I think he is hoping that or he wont attend. I hope not, cause, I don't know. I kinda feel like when he goes along with it and doesn't say anything about why she is there or why I'm not, it's like he is telling them *this * is okay with him. Like keep inviting her, keep ignoring the fact we aren't together and I have someone else.
We have talked about marriage here and ther, but to be honest, I don't know I could right now. I would be so hurt not to have ANY of his family except US as husband and wife, or except me as part of the family now. Hell they don't even care I'm pg.
Sorry so long, but that is my story so far...

[dynamohumm6]

I'm so happy to see this forum!
We're only "slightly blended", I suppose, but that's ok, right?
I have a 6 year old daughter from my ex-boyfriend. We were never married, but we were together for 5 years and had planned on getting married. Samantha was a suprise, but a very welcome one.
He is a wonderful guy, and an amazing father. There just wasn't a "click" anymore with us. Mostly me, I suppose. We continued to live together for 2 years after we "broke up", and while there was some bitterness and ugliness for a brief period of time, we both realized that we each considered each other our best friends, and that's the way we ended up. I started seeing Alex, who lived in Ohio (we live in Boston, MA). We met online :bag: , at a very close knit band fan-site. Everyone on the board would meet up periodically, and since it was music-based, people would travel for shows and meet up with people in the city they were traveling to. I flew out to Ohio to visit my best friend from college, who had just had a baby, and I met Alex while I was out there. We maintained a long distance relationship for 2 years, and finally last July, after finishing grad school and selling his house, he moved out here to Boston. I moved out of my ex's apartment, and Alex & I got a place down the street. We got pregnant in September (I am 36 weeks pregnant right now), and are getting married October 1.

Alex is very good with Samantha, and my ex & him are buddies. I wouldn't say "friends", but I'm ok with buddies. Alex knew my situation from the very beginning, and I told him up front that Mike (my ex) was one of my best friends, and that we were committed to raising Samantha together. Alex can see how much it means to Samantha that her parents are so close, and he's glad that we are both adults about it.

Mike & I *are* committed to parenting together, and as we live only 1 mile apart, we do everything we can to parent 50/50. He works from home, so he gets Sammy after school, and she usually spends 4 nights a week at my house, and 3 at his. We are very flexible, and Samantha seems to have adjusted to it very well. She has already announced that her dad will be "Uncle Mike" to the new baby. Mike spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas with us, and we make it a point to go to dinner--just the three of us---once a month.

Things will soon get more complicated, with Cullen on his way shortly, but I'm hoping that there won't be too much upheavel.

Nice to meet you all!

[SillyTreeFairy]

I have a 5 1/2 year old dss. My dh's girlfriend broke up with him shortly after getting pregnant. I've been with him since my dss was 3 months old. We have been married 4 1/2 years. So our blended family has some of the same issues but some different since they were never married. We are ttc, but I have PCO so it will probably take medical intervention. :(

I love my dss. When he was a baby, he started calling me Mommy, but dh's ex was so hostile to everything concerning me at first (even though she broke up with him) that I didn't think it would be a good idea. She is so insecure that I just didn't think it would be worth making it an issue. So I talked it over with dss when he was a baby and he picked his own name for me that only he gets to call me, which is Kiki. Of course, I get called Kiki when dh is talking to him about me or other family members are, but that would be like "Tell Daddy, etc." I just thought it inappropriate for a kid whose diapers I changed to call me by my fn, especially when I would be a parent figure for the rest of their life. I do whatever I can to foster the best interactions between parents that I can, which can be very difficult. :p

[yoyo65]

I've got 5 stepkids, so this could get long!

Oldest DSD and DSS are 24. He's in Iraq and she is enjoying being young, single and no children. We get along fine and their bio-mom is cool. we all get along. They never lived with us, but would visit quite often.

Next are two SD's with different bio-mom, 17.5 and 16 yrs. DH won costudy when they were 5 and 6. Bio-mom has a host of problems: psycotic, alcohalic, has had a total of 9 kids with 7 different men, drug addiction, boderline personality disoder, prostitute, neglects and abuses both physicaly and emotionaly her kids. Has lost custody or given up for adoption ALL of her kids. (her file with CPS in our county alone is 9 inches thick and has had CPS in all the surrounding counties involved also) 3 DUI's. Been in jail. Caught doing welfare fraud. Blames all of her problems on everybody else and refuses to take responsibility for her actions.
You name it, she's done it.
Which leads me to all the problems these two SD's have had in the past and are still having.
17.5 yr old has an attitude just like her mother. She has a bad attitude, short temper, and a huge "sense of entitlement". "you must do EVERYTHING for her, GIVE everything to her, she NEVER has to ,or SHOULD have to work for anything" She makes no effort to get along with anybody unless she wants something from you, and if you don't do what she wants to , she turns on you in a dime. VERY HOSTILE YOUNG WOMAN. She has been removed from her mothers' by the police and removed from our house by the police. As far as I know now, she is homeless, probably bouncing from couch to couch. She calls every once and while DEMANDING her dad GIVE her stuff, rent a apt for her and her friends and cussing him out and calling him all sorts of terrible names when he refuses to cave in. It's too bad she is letting her attitude get in the way, she is very acidemic smart and could really do something with her life.
Gotta go , my 4 yr old just got up. will tell more later.

[yoyo65]

16yr old SD has Fetal Alcohal Effect (bio-mom has drank and done drugs through out EVERY single one of her pregnancys). This has caused many problems at home and at school. She was skipping alot of school last year, which landed her on probation, the last Thanksgiving she got into a domestic with the lady she was living with and spent the weekend in jail (on her Sweet 16 birthday) and then was under house arrest for about a month until her hearing. That seem to be a wake-up call for her, she is back living with us now, and doing much better. She still has her moments, but maybe she is more like a normal teenager now. She's been going to school and has a job a a fast food joint and just got another job at a nearby mall.
In the first 8 years the girls lived with us, we had alot of problems with them, espcially the stealing and lying. they always had a really bad attitude. sassed back all the time. Then when they hit their early teens, they started playing the game "I don't like the rules here, so I'm going to live with my mom!" They would be with mom for sometimes up to a year and then she would get evicted or something or they would fight and the police would get involved and they would end up back here until they didn't like the rules again.
This is when they REALLY got bad. They wouldn break into the house when they were supposed to be at school and steal stuff. We had locks on stuff all over the place. I caught the older one smoking cigs in their room, knowing all the while her younger half brother has resiptory problems. caught her smoking pot on the front stoop in the middle of the day when she was supposed to be in school.
The bio-mom is still a huge problem. We won't hear from her for a couple months or so, then she'll start calling over and over (we had as many as 20 calls right in a row) leaving nasty messages about how we've cause all of her and her girls problems. How we are the worst parents in the world (that's rich coming from her). Everything she accuses us of doing , she's actually done herself. Been quiet lately though. Probably because I've heard she's done a runner to Canada.
That is just the tip of the iceberg with those three.

DSD # 5 is 14 and lives with biomom's mom. Don't see much of her because she is so very busy with school and extracurricual activities. She is basically a really good kid. Bio -mom is easy to get along with also.

That's my story.

[Jbugz]

Oh wow...I'm SOOOO glad to find this forum. I originally came to this site to find advice on extending breastfeeding and perhaps to talk to other homeschoolers...but what a bonus to find this section as well :LOL

Our story is WAYYY long and pretty frustrating and we have MAJOR issues since becoming a blended family almost 2 years ago. I won't bore anyone with all the problems in this post (hopefull get to them one by one later one :wink )

In a nutshell....I have 2 daughters from my previous marriage..ages 5 and 7..and my husband and I just had a baby together in March.

and in another nut.. :D ...DH doesn't handle being a step dad well AT ALL and I apparently don't like it when my kids are tense in their own home...therefore...we have "issues". :(

Hope to get to know yo uall and your situations better in time.

Julie :)

[ketilave]

I met Dh the week his ex got married to the man she had been having an affair. DH and his ex have 1 daughter. Definitely DH's daughter but apparently the ex had gone off the Pill and started fertility drugs without telling DH - getting pg in hope of saving the marriage. At the time I came into the picture the ex lived in the area (not with her husband who lived 2 hours away).
When DH and I got more involved, I was quite close to dsd who was 4.5 when I came into the picture (DH had been out of the house for over 2 years) the ex lost her mind and starting calling us all the time, dropping by DH's apartment etc and then finally moved in with her husband. She managed to get pg immediately which I had hoped we give her something new to do but no

In short we have been in court for the last 4 years, she threatened me on numerous occassions, we had to turn off all the phone lines and just use the cell so she can only harrass DH, DSD has gone from being a joy to a complaining miserable tearful need my mother to function (to the point even her therapists think there is a disturbing relationship) and in general the whole situation is just TRYING.
I barely care anymore...my focus is my kids and protecting them from this ugliness. The love DSD and I do believe she loves them.

The 2 families could not be more different - we homebirth, cd, bf, co-sleep, careful diet, avoid meds, little to no tv etc and they eat whatever is premade, ex co-sleeps with 10yo DSD but lets the 3 yo CIO in the crib, race to the dr with nothing (sick of paying co-pays when a kid is fine) and the kids live in front of the tv with one in every room of the house. Dh and the ex did nothing together as a family even when they were together; ie the would each take dsd and do their own thing because they couldn't agree on what to do. Got married because they had been dating for a while were getting "old" and so what the heck. Drives me nuts that people/he think like that!

We have 3 kids in quick succession, BFing is not an effective means of BC even with the best attempts at NFP, and that has really compounded the challenges.

Things are much calmer than they used to be but it's not a "good" situation.

[AdoptChina]

Our family is about as blended as they come lol. When we got married DH had 3 daughters and I had 1 son. DH adopted my son, then we had another son together, adopted a daughter from China, and had another son together (I think I only give birth to boys lol)

The older girls are 20, 18 & 14....we hardly ever see the 20 yr old (who is the family trouble maker...only see her when she needs something), the 18 yr old comes over 3 weekends a month but will be leaving for college in August...and the 14 yr old comes over a bit less (likes staying at her moms)

Then our girl together is 5 (going on 25 lol)....our boys are 10, 8 and 23 months.

We've been through some interesting times with DH's doozy of an ex....my ex isnt in the picture at all (but his mom comes to visit twice a year..nice lady). His ex is very materialistic....me, Id rather have more kids and less stuff lol (we have a lot, but Im not burning to be driving a Mercedes. kwim?). DH's girls went/go to a private Catholic ($$$) school....their mom insisted....ours go to a chuch run preschool (very small, humble program) and then onto public schools. Im much more into discipline & natural consequences than she is....she wants to be their buddy (which is why the 20 yr old is so screwed up).....my kids have a few basic rules they have to follow whether they like it or not...I want them to learn to be independant, empathetic, kind people with good hearts....she wants them to like her :eyesroll

Otherwise we dont have too many conflicts .....especially now that the girls are older.

[New Mama]

Hi, I'm stepmom to three kids -- two boys, 14 & 16, and one girl, 12. The twelve-year-old has Down Syndrome, so that adds a whole 'nother layer of intrigue. :)

The kids are with us 1/3 of the time -- every Wednesday overnight and every other weekend Friday before dinner to Sunday after dinner.

DH has been split from his ex for about nine-and-a-half years; we've been together about nine years and got married almost four years ago.

His ex-wife was really nasty for most of that time, but she appears to have mellowed for the most part. The kids are surprisingly well-adjusted and wonderful human beings, considering what their mom put them them through.

We recently moved two miles from their mom's house and a block from the high school so they could be closer to their dad while they're teenagers, but both DH and I DESPISE this part of town. When my second stepson graduates from high school we're moving back to our old end of town...I can't wait. We're in redneckville right now...wayyyyyy too many Bush bumper stickers and swearing, smoking, white trash parents. :eyesroll

I'm pregnant with our first baby, due in August. We spent two years and way too much money on infertility treatment to get to this point, and I'm really excited to be a mother. (Lots of well-meaning people tried to tell me that I was already a parent, but as most of you know, that just wasn't true, especially with the bio-mom telling the kids I was "nothing" to them and trying to undermine my relationship with them at every turn.)

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Well, we're not officially a step-family yet (as in, not married yet), but we live together, as a family, so we ARE a family really :)

I have one DD who just turned 4 in April. Her biofather has NOTHING to do with her. Isn't interested in talking with her, or even with me about her. Doesn't want pictures, no visits etc (we moved 3000 miles away with his consent, if you ask him, he only wants no contact because I moved her away from him *sighs* It's a long complicated story, but he was very abusive, beat me regularly, and would beat me in front of her... Why would he be angry at me for removing her from that??, but I digress...)

My SO and I have been in a relationship for over 2 years, but have been living together for just over 6 months now. He has 1 DS from a previous marriage, who just turned 9 in April. My SO has custody of his DS, so he lives with us too :) My step-son sees his biomom fairly regualrly, however, she's taken on the 'fun mom' role, and basically just lets him run amuck and takes him out to dinner. No actual parenting involved for her, IMO. She also has found a way to slowly give less and less child support, but again, I digress...

Anyway, that's my little family. Still failry new, and still working out the kinks, but, it seems worth it....so far :LOL




my kids have a few basic rules they have to follow whether they like it or not...I want them to learn to be independant, empathetic, kind people with good hearts....she wants them to like her

This sounds alot like us and our situation too... Makes me worry for when my step-son gets older....

[kitty waltz]

Well our blended family isnt really official yet either, I suppose. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, my DD 3 1/2 is autistic, and my DS 16 months seems to have sensory issues, maybe mild autism. My fiancee has no kids, he's 5 yrs younger than me which is shocking to some in our families!! We just moved out here from Vt{where the kids were born, my familys from NYC and PA} so my SO could go to school here in AZ. After he gets his degree we move to NJ where his family lives. His family is very different from mine - read they have $$ and my family is poor. Its kind of the hardest adjustment for me - the different expectations. I also worry about having kids together - that our child together would get preferential treatment in the form of expensive gifts, or paying for college that my kids wont get. His family is polite but they dont treat my kids as if they are blood.

My ex is a good-for-nothing, really. He smokes too much pot and always looks like a mess. He has only supervised visits because of past abuse, and when he comes he usually falls asleep! He just broke his leg due to neglect of his car and there goes my child support, yet he expects us to bring him to visit the kids! He's really a pain. Every time he comes over he wants to go over whose fault the breakup was etc. I just leave the room now, with his broken leg its harder for him to follow me and bother me. I sometimes wish he decided to not be involved w/ the children so I could get some peace!

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

His family is very different from mine - read they have $$ and my family is poor. Its kind of the hardest adjustment for me - the different expectations. I also worry about having kids together - that our child together would get preferential treatment in the form of expensive gifts, or paying for college that my kids wont get. His family is polite but they dont treat my kids as if they are blood.

I could've written this myself!! My step-son is (to be hoenst) materialistcly spoiled by my SO's family. My daughter's the 'after-thought', even though my SO refers to her as 'his daughter', his family just doesn't see it that way. I also worry about us having a child together, and truly worry about my daughter being treated as the outcast...

[Curious Me]

Well since we are here finally lets post!

I have a wonderful DH (most of the time) and 4 step-kids who are really great. 20, 18, 15 and 12 next week. We have DD 15 months.

I am not gay but I am friends with the wonderful illustrator of Heather Has Two Mommies!



Hi there......I'm rather curious about your signature "I am not gay but I am friends with the wonderful illustrator of Heather Has Two Mommies!"

I read that and my eyebrows scrunched together and I literally read it three more times to try to figure out what you are saying. I don't think I was successful in my quest.

The kinds of things that instantly came to my mind are "I'm not black, but I am friends with Oprah Winfrey's cousin" "I'm not a diabetic, but I work with a really nice lady who is." Do you see what I mean?

I'm hoping that my interpretation of your signature is distorted.

[Destinye]

I'm hoping that my interpretation of your signature is distorted.\

Apparently it was but I am deleting it anyway, certainly don't want to offend anyone.

[cvsprague]

Our blended family has a long-distance spin on it! My DH has a 14 year old son from his first marriage. DSS lives in Germany with his mom and her husband. DH and I have 2 sons together, one age 5 and one 3 weeks old today. :love They (DH and ex) divorced when DSS was almost 3 and she moved back to Germany a few months later. Their breakup wasn't amicable and because of that she really kept DSS from having a relationship with DH for a long time. He was just trying to reestablish contact when I met him in '96. Things gradually got better and they came here for a visit 3 summers ago. It was nice and believe it or not, we all lived peacefully for 2 weeks under my MIL's roof!!! :LOL Things really improved over the course of that visit. The ex and I got along well and our oldest son really got attached to his big brother. They are visiting again this summer, though the ex is going to spend the time with her sister out of state and DSS will stay with us the bulk of the time. Email has really helped with the long-distance relationship and we're hoping as he gets older that he may consider doing a year of high school here or perhaps going to college in the states. Overall, it's a pretty decent situation. :)

[MamitadeTian]

Our family: DH has two sons from a previous marriage, they are 15 and 17. They came to live with us from Panama about 2 1/2 years ago. We also had DS 2 1/2 years ago, and DD two months ago.

My mom warned me that this would be hard, and I thought the difficulties would come from the older boys, but it turns out they come from DH!!!! I wish I could grin about this, but it is cause for lots of drama. I don’t know how to explain without going into gory details, but basically, DH felt rejected by the boys b/c, as good adolescents, they did not arrive at our doorstep admiring and agreeing with him. DH became very authoritarian with them, which I did not agree with, and their relationship has only degenerated over the years. My disagreements with DH have often been a threat to our relationship.

Things have become bad enough that the boys are returning to Panama this summer and will not return to school here in the fall. I don’t know when or if they will return. DH feels too hurt to want them back, he says he wants to cut them out of his life. I understand his feelings, but disagree with what he is doing: I feel I cannot morally choose to let go of a child of mine, especially if what they have done is kids’ stuff and nothing criminal or anything like that.

It seems like we go from one drama to the next. I feel very bad about the kids leaving here. On the one hand I feel guilty about not doing more to try to smooth things out between them and DH, on the other, I feel that everyone loses when I do b/c DH feels abandoned by me and his attitude to the boys is worse. I am always walking a tightrope. I have to say there will be some benefits to not having the boys around. But they feel abandoned by their mother, and I fear the emotional wounds of feeling newly abandoned by their father. Realistically, they already feel abandoned, even while living with him.

I also worry that DH will someday withhold his love from our children if he feels he loses control over them. Right now, he is the most passionate father, completely dedicated to our two kids. There is no use worrying, but sometimes I can’t help hearing the little voice of worry.

Sorry to spill my guts, but today just sucked! My parents are here from out of town and very judgmental because DH wouldn’t celebrate DSS2’s birthday yesterday. DH is pissed off at me because I did, while he was out. My dad and DH had an small altercation that resulted in DH asking me to tell my parents to leave the house and not come back until he goes to work. I can’t live like this!

I know this post is too long and everyone else has been much more civil about keeping the details to themselves, but, as you all know, people in “normal” families don’t have these issues and I find they are not able to be much help.

[MamitadeTian]

cvsprague, the long distance spin is quite a spin!

Our story was somewhat like yours in the beginning. DH’s ex kept the kids from him for about 5 years, and never told them about him (the kids were 2 and 6 months when their parents split up). Then he was allowed to “meet” them during a trip back to Panama. He visited them numerous times and I went with him, we all got along well and had a good time. The kids also came here a few times, even taking part in our wedding. Vacation was great with them and I never expected any difficulties. The hard part was living together, having to negotiate what it means to be the father of two people with their own opinion of the world, and sons of a father with specific ideas of what sons and fathers ought to be and do. Once the trust was broken, that was the end of the possibility of a good relationship, at least this time around.

I am not saying this to scare you, I hope you understand. I just want you to know that it is great that things work well when you are on vacation, and that points to the possibility of a great relationship if you share more time together (a year in high school, for example), but it will take a lot more to make it work and keep things good! I think if we had been better prepared, we might have handled things differently!

[hoppytoad]

I should introduce myself and our situation.

I have two bio-children.. DS (6) from a previous marriage, and DD(3) from a previous relationship. DH and I met online when DD was 5 months old, and she's never seen or heard from her bio father. DS knows his bio-dad, but he never comes around anymore and doesn't ever call, etc. It's easier this way on everybody, I think.

DH has two bio-children also, DSD (10) and DSS (7). We have full custody, but they visit their mother every other weekend. She took us to court soon after DH and I got married. Before that, her involvement was fairly regular, but not very consistent. She would bring them back to DH early saying she couldn't handle them, etc. and that she didn't know what she was going to do to them. :( Their marriage went south because she had an affair. She married the man she cheated with a few weeks after she found out DH and I got married. :eyesroll DH's ex has a real problem with trying to keep up with everyone else around her. It's like it consumes her or something.

As you can probably guess, she doesn't like me and my influence on the kids because she feels threatened. Even though she bailed on them in the first place.....

Because she feels like this, she does her best to be the "cool" mom, while I'm the one with them day in and day out enforcing the rules, feeding them nutritious food, disciplining them, etc. Everything I would do if they were my own flesh and blood. That means being the bad guy a lot, unfortunately.

DH reassures me that when they get older they'll see the whole picture and not view me as the big meany, but for now their mom does her best to paint a bad picture of me. Sometimes I feel bad because DH never has to deal with the presence of another parent in the picture with my children. It's like he gets off the hook or something. Most of the time, though, I'm happy for him that he doesn't have the added stress and pain.

It's takes a lot of sacrificing to be a SAH stepmother, man. Maybe when the bond is even stronger (although it's pretty good, so far, I think) I won't resent some of the things I do for them without any acknowledgment.

It doesn't help that DSD (10) has some behavioral issues and also the typical pre-teen attitude rearing it's ugly head now. :eyesroll

Tell me it will get better! Seriously, though, I'm optimistic that if we just keep chugging along everything will even out and we'll all settle in.

DH and I are expecting our first child together in Sept., though, so God only knows how that will affect the family dynamics.

[liawbh]

DH has a daughter, 11. I have a son almost 9. We just had a son together in April.
In August we'll have been married 2 years, together for 3, but we've been friends since 8th grade.
I have custody of DS. He sees bio-dad every other weekend and half of summer, for the past 3 years (since he got remarried and decided he was ready to be a parent :eyesroll.) We get along OK, they have a son, almost 2. Very non-NFL, not very AP, but pretty good at GD.

DSD lives with her mom. We have every other weekend and alternate holidays. Summers we're supposed to have her all the time EXCEPT alternate weekends, but last summer was all messed up, so we'll see.
DH's ex is really weird, she'll call all furious about something, or she'll try to refuse to drive, or she'll send dsd to grandma's so we can't pick her up for our time, etc. Other times she tries to be all friendly. They've been split up since 96, so I thought things would be smoother, but DH had nothing in writing until 2 months before our wedding. (Amazingly, if neither party pays the court fees, and the W doesn't pay her attorney, you're not really divorce, :eyesroll)

Last summer was weird. My ex and I had everything scheduled and written down, and visits went very smoothly (2 weeks here, 2 there, repeat). DSD's mom was not grasping the concept of us having the whole summer. DH was trying to be nice, and be flexible about it to give everyone a chance to adjust. DSD missed my mom's wedding and the state fair b/c her mom sent her to Seattle with grandma for a week two days before we were supposed to pick her up.

DSD has some problems and gets upset with me a lot b/c I have rules and consistency. Her mom and stepdad are of the "say it a hundred times, mean it once, spank that time" school of parenting. Basically, they do nothing child-oriented, just carry on adult lives with her present, so she's seen every "R" movie you can imagine, gets to put herself to bed in the summer, they smoke in the house, etc.
She has food issues, and is overweight. Just now is willing to eat fruit (had mostly only ever had canned and hated it). Also finally realizing that crying and pouting will not get daddy to change his mind (anymore :LOL). Hates it that I insist on physical activity of some sort every day.
But, it does seem to be improving and I have hope that this summer will be smoother (esp. since DH reminded the X that she can go to jail for violating the agreement). Both kids are totally in love with Evan, and want to spend time with him.

Whew, that's a novel! Anyway, so glad this forum is finally up and running!

[Momof9kids]

When I met my Dh, I had 2 girls and he had 4. Dh and I have 3 children together - 1 girl, 2 boys. (My 5 bio children were homebirthed)

When we married, his ex-wife (aka LOSER) :irked: had custody of her 4 precious babies (as she calls them to this day); but upon returning from our honeymoon, "loser" told Dh she didn't want them anymore...so, I became an instant "nanny" and custodial SM.

It's became a horrific nightmare; mainly caused by "loser" and my Dh's lack of parenting & backing me up. The skids are now 18, 16, 14 & 12. "Loser" acts like mommy of the year - telling them how the only 'value' of a good mom is how much she loves her children and how much they love her... :cuss thus, making herself the "Great Mom" even tho it was ME who did her dirty work of raising them...oh, and she refuses to pay child support on them...even tho my Dh had to pay her over $900 a month when they lived with her! She works until the State catches up to her then she quits or gets fired :irked:

"Loser" has been with countless men the last 7+ years, married and divorced TWICE since she & my Dh divorced 7 ys ago :tiphat:

To be honest, if I had known it was gonna be THAT BAD, I would have NEVER married my Dh - no matter how much I loved him - this woman and her spawn have caused so much trouble in my marriage, my home.... :eyesroll but, now I'm trying to concentrate on my marriage and MY (our) kids and I've disengaged from the skids as much as possible and thus, in the process, have made Dh & BM step up to their parenting plate :thumb

[KaraBoo]

I have a daughter (16) from first marriage. She lives with her Dad in the States.

My husband has three children from first marriage: d (22), s (20), and s (18). My sd lives near us and just graduated from university here. Oldest ss goes to university in States. Youngest ss just graduated high school and will start uni in fall, also in States. Both ss visit us three or four times a year. In summer, they sometimes stay for as long as two months at a time, overlapping so each gets "alone" time with us. I'm not sure how long we will continue to pay for plane tickets but for now, it's working out OK. We are having tons of issues with "how to relate to older children/money/adulthood." We've also had some issues with jealousy (sd jealous of d).

My husband and I also have a daughter (6 1/2) together. She has the best of both worlds. She gets to be an only child but also have the benefit of a big family. :)

[Mallory]

I just read this whole thread and I just see all those DSS's and DSD's and all kinds of abbreviations floating in front of my eyes. I am not sure by the end I could understand anyone's stories, but I am going to post mine anyway, just incase anyone makes it here still lucid :nut

I have two boys 4 and 5, a couple of years ago my ex decided he didn't want to be a dad or a husband any longer. It was like he just turned off. Eventually I left with the boys and moved back to Kansas, he still lives in Maryland. While things aren't BAD between us he really just seems to have no interest. He sends child support every week and shows up about once a year for a day or two and spends a lot of money on the boys. Other then that there is really no contact, he doesn't call, write, anything. His family has been very supportive of me and is regularly involved with the boys. Ex is pretty much done with them too, when he stopped having a family he meant all of it.

I have a new boyfriend, a man that I have known my whole life, our parents are good friends, they already seem like my parents. In fact when I was married to my ex we visited them several times. We are getting married in a couple of weeks and also just realized I am pregnant. He has been great with the boys (any problems there are mostly my fault, I posted about it already) and is so excited to be having another.

All in all things are good here. :thumb