sick of the sahm "scene"

[wildmonkeys]

I am feeling sick of the sahm, scene. I AM not sick of sah or of spending so much time with the kids or not working or any of that...I am sick of the adult sahm social scene, anybody else? I am sick of playdates and chatting with people at the park about the same old things over and over again.

I had scheduled just about nothing for my older ds for the summer - figuring we could just hangout at the parks, museums, pools and have lots of playdates (he is VERY social and if he doesn't have school he generally asks to see a friend) I am actually considering signing him up for a week of half-day day camp or some sports/activities so that he can get the social interaction he wants and I can sort of hole up for a few months - is that obnoxious? I think it might be :bag:

Anybody else feel this way? I also have to say that my oldest is 5.5 and I have loved meeting friends at parks and stuff for play dates for YEARS but I am just sort of feeling burnt out on it...tired of endless conversations about fullday kindergarten, which preschools are the best, who the shovel belongs to, whose turn for the swing is next, whether the local soccer league is too competitive, etc. etc. etc. :nut

(I realize that this negativity maybe sparked by a monunentally sucky playdate incident this week)

BJ
Barney & Ben

[chalupamom]

(I realize that this negativity maybe sparked by a monunentally sucky playdate incident this week)



It's possible. But it's also possible that it's been building and building and you've finally just snapped! :LOL

You're not alone. I tend not to hang with large groups of friends but instead have a few that I'm pretty close to. Before kids I found it hard to make small talk with people I didn't know and it's even worse now with kids - what on earth do I talk about with these people? Sleep patterns? Feeding schedules? Blah! Of course, this is just the playdate version of small talk. Before kids in a bar we'd all talk about our jobs and that's what we still do, only the "jobs" have changed and our bosses are much younger.

I'd say for every mom I've met at playgroup, the park, the library, etc. I've become friendly with about 1 out of 20 and friends with probably 1 out of 50.

[Amys1st]

I can see both points- I think thats true what the pp said- in bc we went to bars lunches etc and talked about our jobs, small talk etc

Now I do the exact same thing.

BUT

I think summer is approaching and you are getting a SAH version of cabin fever. What I mean is- you need a break from talking about sippy cups, nipple soreness, what size your child is in, where the best kids place to stay is, what another moms says about her dh, mil, sil, friend,; preschools, sales at the grocery store, getting to this class on time and going to this place to meet up- you get my point!

I think putting your child in a camp of some sort would be great for both of you. It will give you a much needed sebacle from the whole mom scene and ds can still get the social butterflyness he craves. Just remember not to get there too early to pick him up or you will be trapped in the SAHmomness in the hallway! :LOL

Today at our preschool end of year picnic more than once I would hear a Mom say- I cannot wait to just not go anywhere this summer. We signed up for nothing!
I signed dd up for a mini camp as well- she goes tues/thurs 9-11am for 4 weeks this summer. I thought it would keep her on track for next fall. Since I am ttc, I thought if we get a positive- it would be a much needed resting break for me as well.

As for socialization- I am in a few groups and do playdates with several people. We both enjoy the social aspect but there are times when I need a break from it too. We have had a few moms like stated who may get friendly but not too friendly since they have just a few close friends. They usually come & go- and thats fine.

[Amys1st]

(I realize that this negativity maybe sparked by a monunentally sucky playdate incident this week)

BJ
Barney & Ben

OK I got to know...
what happened??? :wink

[KariM]

I find that keeping a good mix of friends helps me. Most of the moms I know are NOT SAHMs and we talk about all sorts of things.

I also try to stay active in a few organizations (LLL & church) and that gives me some interaction that isn't just about my kids.

I really enjoy getting together with the friends that DH and I share and talking about all sorts of things. We bring the kids along (or at least the baby) but the discussions aren't focused on our kids, IYKWIM.

--Kari

[mamameg]

I can really relate to this, but I'm a bit :bigeyes because I've only been doing it for a year and I already feel that way! :LOL :eyesroll :o

A couple of weeks ago, I was at the park, pusing DD in the swing, having a gernally ho-hum sort of day. Suddenly, I found myself looking around the park and feeling boredom like I have never felt before. Boredom in my bones and in my blood. Boredom was seeping from every pore in my body. In that moment, time sort of stood still and I just stood there wondering how on earth I was going to do this for so many more years. We live in a smallish town, but I think I would have felt that way even if we were in a big city. Like the OP said, it's all the small talk and chit chat that seems to run in an endless cycle. :zzz

Even my DH noticed "the scene" after only one day of taking DD to the park. He was like, "Ok, so I got it. Everyone chats and asks the names and ages of the kids, but none of the adults introduce themselves. And the conversation *always* moves to sleep at some point, right?" :LOL He hit the nail on the head!

Sorry I have no suggestions, just commisseration. I'll be :lurk: in hopes of some suggestions as to how to combat this.

Oh, BTW, I don't think it's at all obnoxious to enroll your son in a day camp for the summer. I'm sure you would both love it. :)

[Treasuremapper]

It's painful, isn't it? I want to hear about the bad playdate, too.

[Marielena]

I completely agree and was just talking with dh about this last night! What we decided is that I need to cut down on the big group activities and just concentrate on becoming closer friends with those few people that I seem to connect with.

[wildmonkeys]

Thanks for the support and ideas ladies :D It really helps just to know that I am not alone :happyt:

I do think that it helps to have wm friends and still try to stay connected to my friends without kids - I started a quarterly bookclub and have taken a tap dancing class with a friend a few times, volunteered on the Kerry campaign, and stuff like that, but I still feel like I am bored with the scene during the day...I think that pp was right - it is like a version of cabin fever!

Part of the reason it has probably taken so long to bug me is that I had several pre-baby friends in the area who had little ones and were sah or working pt and we used to get together and talk babies/kids AND politics, books, movies, baseball, etc. but a few of them moved out of state or went back to work recently. I also am pretty good about finding creative things to do with the kids but still - they are kids - they like the park and I feel like I am going to be the one throwing sand the next time somebody starts up a conversation about the local schools - seriously!!!!

As for the monumentally bad playdate - I went on and on about it on the parenting issues page - it is listed under "feel terrible - I think I hurt friends feelings over incident between our kids" since that thread wrapped up, my friend called me and we chatted and chatted and it is totally water under the bridge now but still it has really gotten me thinking about how I want to spend the summer (not to mention the next 3 -8 years!!!)


Thanks again - more conversation and ideas would be great! Going to go research some camps now!!!

BJ
Barney & Ben

[cjr]

I could never get into the whole chatty mom scene. I like socializing, but once a week is fine. I take ds to an ap parents group once a week, we have been very buisy lately though. I will take the 3 of them for a bike ride to a big park, but we don't stay more than 1/2hour because I find is boring. I'm not a chatty person and I get bored easily. I prefer to take ds to the nursury at the gym. He gets kids to play with and i get to workout with other mama's without actually having to make small talk with them. :LOL I like my social time, but I like it better with just dh and myself. Once every 2 weeks I will go chat it up at a play date, but that's all I can take. I find you just talk about the same stuff over and over again.

[HelloKitty]

Even my DH noticed "the scene" after only one day of taking DD to the park. He was like, "Ok, so I got it. Everyone chats and asks the names and ages of the kids, but none of the adults introduce themselves. And the conversation *always* moves to sleep at some point, right?" :LOL He hit the nail on the head!

I noticed this and decided a couple of weeks ago that I would never again have a conversation with a woman at the park without introducing MYSELF as well as my kids. I think it's something we should all do!!

The playground scene bores me to tears. If I'm with someone I'm close to then it's great, we talk and the kids play and it's cool. But to just have kid oriented chit-chat is really lame. I think it's important that if you get along with some other SAHMs in your area and want to get close to them and have interesting conversations - then at some point your activities need to move beyond kid-focused or you will all quickly get bored.

For example, if you like tea, see if some other Moms want to get together for a tea party / playdate. The Moms drink tea, the kids play. Or a book club / playdate. Whatever! So the kids are playing and having a good time, but the Moms are talking about the different teas, or the latest bestseller, not all about the kids, KWIM? Eventually you will have more interesting things to talk about with these women then just the kids. :)

[Amys1st]

I got thinking about just that- intro myself to other people chit chatting.
Most of the time there is a very good chance I will already know someone at the various parks in my area. Which usually helps even more but I am going to make a point of intro-ing myself within the first second of how old is your child?. That way by the time we get to the sleep habits, we can be on a first name basis!

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I'm kind of like you--I love being with my kids, but can do without the rest of the world! LOL!
I think the biggest problem is that the ONLY common factor in SAH is SAH.
Well, I don't have anything at all in common with most of the people I meet who sah--different ages, experiences, etc., etc. and frankly, that's hard.

I also don't enjoy having to police other people's kids if they come to my house and their parents don't watch them, or struggling through the same small talk.

There is a great book by Faulkner Foxx--I think it's xx or maybe x....
anyway, check out her writing, it will leave you saying: AMEN to almost everything she writes about being a sahm.

Just know you are not alone! :love

[Goldenlover]

I think we all get bored with our everyday life :)
that is normal :)

[marisa]

Even with my AP non-mainstream friends at playgroup I grow tired of this. I try to delve deeper in non-child topics, but some people just don't feel comfortable talking about much else. I'm sick of talking about homeschooling, natural toys, breastfeeding, etc etc. Let's for once just leave our kids OUT of the conversation!

[huggerwocky]

Move to Minneapolis and go out with me! :LOL

I know what you mean.I am not a mommy-mommy.I feel awkward in those mommy-metting play date settings, while they lasted, now my daughter is 8 and too old anyway.I don't look like a mommy and don'ty even drive a mommy car ( no offence :wink ).

Like somebody said, most likely the SAHP is the only common factor....nobody would expect people to get along just because they are born in the same city, right?It's just not enough...

[mamameg]

Let's for once just leave our kids OUT of the conversation!

Here Here!!!! :) I don't think we are doing our children any favors by only exposing them to conversations about them.... I want my children to hear me discuss a variety of topics -- politics, current events, literature, etc. But I often find if I try to move the conversation that way (or any direction away from parenting and children) I don't get much response, except blank looks like everyone has forgotten how to talk like that. I'm going to keep trying, and hopefully will be able to cause a shift.

But I am really starting to think the shift I need to make is with ME. I might need to cut back or rethink some of the groups I am participating in. When I first started staying at home, I was so starved for interaction, I joined any and all groups I could find. Might be time to drop out of a couple. Quality, not quantity.

[Embee]

I haven't had time to read all the posts, but I hear ya. I get burned out too sometimes. Lately because DS is struggling a bit with social relations and some days I just don't have the energy or the wherewithall to deal with those "monumentally bad playdates." :o

OTOH...

One thing that helps here is that a group of us who met in a playgroup when our kids were babes, also started a bookclub. . . designed specifically for getting together without the kids to talk about something besides the kids (nursing young babes excepted of course :)). Once a month, the DH's stay home with the kids and we all meet up at a restaurant and kick back. Its helped us come to know each other on a totally different level and makes even those "monumentally bad" playdates easier; because we're friends, and we've shared so much in our bookclub gatherings that we have an understanding of each other and are coming together in a supportive atmosphere. In addition, because we've come to know more about each other than just our momselves, we don't always revert to talk about the kids when we're together (kids or not). In fact, our first question when we see anyone from the group out and about is usually, "did you read the book?" :D We do definitely have our moments when bookclub turns into MOM WHINING, but we've found its a great way to share those tough things you can't talk about in front of the kids, air frustrations about any and all and get feedback, advice and mostly, support.

So there's my story and I'm stickin' to it. It helps to meet without the kids once and awhile and really get to know each other. Within our groups there are smaller groups and pairs of close friends, but as a whole unit, we find many MANY things to talk about that are both incredibly satisfying and even more, much laughter is shared by all!

The best,
Em

[Embee]

Oh, I forgot to mention that our group includes all mom women: sahms, wahms, p/t, and f/t working mommies. This has helped all of us to see and understand the different lives we all lead, and be appreciative of our different paths.

[CountryMom2e]

I know what you mean! I get so tired of the innane conversation. We're staying in a new town for the summer (living with my dad while we renovate) and I'm missing my friends from our town. At least we could have somewhat decent conversations. Several times I've gone to the lib here and tried to strike up conversations with other moms, only to have them look at me like I'm speaking Chinese.

I NEED SUMMER TO GET HERE! I need to sit on the beach, have my son fully entertained building sand castles, and have a REAL conversation with someone that somewhat taxes my brain.....

[be11ydancer]

I'm not so burnt out on it but I understand what you're saying. I'm probably guilty of talking about nothing but kids and stuff sometimes but that's because I'm too cautious to go into deeper topics. Like politics, or religion, or something along those lines. I guess because it's been hard to make friends since becoming a mom and why would I want to even risk saying anything that might make people judge me and not want to talk to me? Insecure, I know. :eyesroll But it's the truth. Especially about politics.

[Amys1st]

I'm not so burnt out on it but I understand what you're saying. I'm probably guilty of talking about nothing but kids and stuff sometimes but that's because I'm too cautious to go into deeper topics. Like politics, or religion, or something along those lines. I guess because it's been hard to make friends since becoming a mom and why would I want to even risk saying anything that might make people judge me and not want to talk to me? Insecure, I know. :eyesroll But it's the truth. Especially about politics.

This I can relate to. But on the other side. There has been times where I would be talking to another parent and they would say something that would offend me after going into deeper topics or just doing something parent related that I would never do and then I would realize that person is not someone I would want to be better aqainted with.I think I have come to terms with a realization (and not just parenting but the neighborhood, church etc) that maybe the only thing you have in common maybe be your both parents or both of you frequent the park with some people.

I can remember long before we had our daughter working with another couple at our church who were similar in the fact newly married, went to our church, lived near us. But that was it- we had zero in common with them and even today she is also a SAHM but we have nothing in common. they are a very nice couple and all and we always exchange hellos how are yous etc but thats it. Its funny, she works with my mil on some commitees and my mil tried to push a friendship with her on me. I finally said to mil, I can make my own friends thank you and she laid off or she realized that we have nothing in common with these people.

[mightymoo]

I have a really hard time with the "SAHM scene" because emotionally I tend to go in depressive phases. I'll go through a social phase where I want to get out and I'm itching for conversation, but then I'll hit a low where I don't want to see anyone or leave the house - this will vary month to month. I've found this seems to greatly hinder my forming meaningful friendships - even with the folks that are interested in getting to know each others. :(

[FlipFlops]

I find this whole playdate concept to be so strange, which is why I've never done one. DD has many cousins she sees about once a week, and soon she will have a sibling, so I don't fear that I am depriving her of social interaction.

I've always preferred my own company to that of most people. I have close friends, but I have no desire to cultivate a series of shallow acquaintance-ships, just because we might have "Mommy" in common...so I don't.

If you're sick of the playdates, don't do them. It must be awful to listen to insipid chatter over and over and over. Why torture yourself?

[MotherEarthMom]

I can't stand playdates,I have nothing in common with any of those mothers,besides that fact that I am old enough to be their mother.I feel bad for my daughter though cause she loves to socialize,but I don't.I would rather be alone and do my own thing,luckily she will be starting school in August and meet more kids then and I plan on signing her up for some other activities,that I don't have to be there for.

[LizD]

Yes, this is why I don't know many people with babies my son's age. I have my friends from when dd was a baby and of course IRL (as opposed to parent-life) but I get tired of the assumptions that this is all interesting conversation. At such times I often feel desperate that I'm wasting my time...when dd was small I played with *her* in the playground and ended up being the Pied Piper rather than die of boredom talking to the parents. Fortunately now I have enough friends (though not with babies :( ) with whom I can be relaxed and talk about politics and so forth as *well* as kid-related stuff, which IMO is only interesting when infused with one's beliefs about everything else.

Years ago I thought I would never homeschool here in FL because the women I knew who did it spent all their time (so it seemed) chauffeuring their kids to/from classes and activities that weren't long enough to leave them at so they spent their days chatting...ugh. I can talk the hind leg off a donkey but as the OP said I like acknowledgement of, and the chance to show off, my brain. So even though I'm home with the baby (and homeschooling!) I often still describe myself as a doula :bag: or a former Waldorf teacher :bag: for a few reasons. People *do* treat me with greater respect, and perhaps I treat myself with greater respect by the description; it then follows that conversations have more to them than preschool and toilet training and how to cut a mango so your toddler will eat it.

[Amys1st]

I wear my parent badge loud & clear and I have never been disrespected for it. Maybe once, but that person would disrespect a doula and a former waldorf teacher too. I guess its so shameful to be a SAHM and not respectful?

Maybe I should start telling people what my former life was so my ego would feel ok- or maybe its already fine since I always get respect.

[be11ydancer]

I wear my parent badge loud & clear and I have never been disrespected for it. Maybe once, but that person would disrespect a doula and a former waldorf teacher too. I guess its so shameful to be a SAHM and not respectful?

Maybe I should start telling people what my former life was so my ego would feel ok- or maybe its already fine since I always get respect.

I understand your POV on this too. Maybe I always end up talking about my kids and the things associated with them because it *is* my life. There's not room for a whole lot else right now accept maybe bellydance classes when I feel good enough to go. Sure, we can discuss where I worked before having kids, but do you really want to hear about data entry?? :o

[Amys1st]

I spend a lot of time with other Moms and I thought about this discussion the other day at a playdate/bday party. The funny thing- no Mom talk ever came up. :p We were busy talking about the house the host had purchased and then we had a discussion about vegamite (from down under) since my friend's dh was from Austrailia. I think there was one comment about the little girls having fun but that was it. Wow it can be done!