Polyamory (part 2)

[zjande]

Instead of bumping up the thread started nearly a yr ago I thought I'd start a new one.

So, anyone out there involved in a poly relationship? I'm *always* seeking other poly folk with kids. My husband & I have been actively poly for many years & even finally have quite a group of poly friends & acquaintances-- but *none* with kids!! Sigh.

And btw, nice to meet you all! I see some familiar names. :) I haven't been on Mothering in sooo long, I don't remember it having a queer parenting forum, nor being so tolerant. I'm happy!!

[Alenushka]

My husban and I havebeen polygamous from the day we met. I alway knew I was different, just like my mom. My kids are still small (7 and 3) but I am thinkning of the way of desribing the way we live when they are older. I have not been able to meet any formal poly goupr or anything like it. I am sort of individualist kind of person, I guess. I simply have lover who accpet me the way I am. I have not anoyne like me with kids. I have a feeling that some poly people become mono after having kids

[zjande]

You are "polygamous", meaning your husband has many wives??

Yes, it seems folks with kids aren't as often poly. I suppose b/c they feel they just don't have enough time to devote to kids, family, home AND other relationships, or for fear of judgements/ridicule. I know there's some poly families out there though someplace! :)

Are you actively seeing others or living with other partners? Was/is your mom poly?? That's so cool. :)

[Alenushka]

Well, you can't afford a house big enought to leve with your partners in CA. I have some long temr lovers with whome I spend as much time as my life allowes. One is a close family firned and we se him ofhten as a family (your know, regular staff dinners ets). Then I ahve some female lover with whom we both, my hsuband and I like to spend time wtih.
I guess it would be cool to have another wife, but we had no luck fidning one yet.
I think some people have decreease sex drive, or don;t see themselves as sexual beings, or don;t think that sexual explorations is appropriate after they have kids

[PolyIma]

Hello all, and especially Zjande!
I should be studying right now but I really wanted to send out a little post here about my family:)
I am married twice over (the phrase I have been using these days.) My husband, wife, and I have a beautiful, adventurous 8 month old son, Sebastian. My mother would have big problems with me using words like that to describe my son and atract the evil eye (my family of origin is Jewish) but other than that she has no problems with my family. Which is a total understatement, we have many great supportive grandmas, grampas, aunties, and uncles that love us (mostly Sebastian) to pieces. I would love to yak with more poly folks out there, particularly polyfidelitous (a word given to me by Zjande, I think) ones. And just other mamas in general, bi mamas and the issues they face. when there are two mommies, what do they get called? all kinds of stuff! I am looking forward to this great way of avoiding school work! Thank you all for providing me this opportunity. By the way, since I am the Jewish one and have actually wanted to be an Ima since I was maybe 10 years old. That is what I am telling Sebastian to call me. In the end of course, it is his choice :)

[Allana]

I was wondering if there were any othe poly families on this list. I am very new to the life of polyamory. Hy dh and I sort of stumbled onto it. We have a very close friend that we have always both been attracted to and when we finally told her, she had the same feelings. So we are at the very begining stages of a relationship with her. It is kind of on hold because she is in school, so we are taking it very slow.

My qustion for those of you in a polyfidelity relationship, how does it all work out with kids for you? My dh and I are hoping to someday have a deeper realationship with this other person someday and we were trying to figure out how it all works when kids are involved.

Allana

[PolyIma]

Hi Allana,
The begining of our relationship was pretty difficult in that my wife and i had been together for 5 years and knew we wanted to have children together, and although we all knew we were in love with now husband, we weren't sure how to proceed and didn't want anyone to get hurt. it worked out weel for us and we are all glad to be parents, and glad it turned out this way instead of with say, a donor. But you guys already have kids, that is something i don't know too much about. i can only offer that if you are all in love and want to work somehing out, in the end, that is what matters. i didn't catch how old your kids were, but from what i know of other families, kids are pretty resilient. if you love this woman and she is a good friend, i imagine your kids feel close to her anyway. i wish you the best of luck and although our situation started differently, i know it can be difficult with few models to work with. hope that helped, at least a little :)
--PolyIma

[zjande]

Oh my God, PolyIma! I'm so happy to hear from you!! The last time we chatted was on HM & you were pregnant (or was it your wifey? now I'm not sure!) ! I'm happy to hear that things are still going well for you, & congratulations on your new little Sebastian person!

Congratulations to you too Allana on finding this girl that you & your dh enjoy.....that's so awesome. As for your kids, what specifically are you concerned about? Explaining polyamory? This other person taking on a parenting role? How other's will treat your kids if they discuss their family? All of the above?:) How old are your kids?

I'm still pretty much where I was at on HM......still with husband (our ten yr anniversary is next tues!), still with fabulous boyfriend (for 1.5 yrs.) & still fantasizing about finding a fabulous girlfriend & still working on the whole "poly thing" with the hubby. He still has issues with it, it's most definitely *me* that's poly in this relationship. Sigh. I wish it were easy for us, for him. We've come to learn over this past yr that he's pretty introverted (& sometimes I swear he's downright anti-social) & I'm pretty stubborn & crazily independent. Our relationship is really incredible, right up until we begin discussing *anything* remotely related to our social lives (my poly relationships, my wanting to leave the house, whatever) Frustrating.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear from you girls!

[Allana]

My kids are still young, 14 m and almost 3, so they accept anything at the moment. They really love our girlfriend and she is great with kids. We never in a million years would of even thought about this type of a relationship and then it happend. I have never been with another girl so it is totally new to me. When all of this came out in the open, my dh told me that he has always thought himself to fit in with polyamory. We have had issues in the past with him sort of wondering out of the relationship, not for sex, but for other female companionship. We've been together for almost 9 year and have been married for almost four. I know that I'm open to all of it right now and it seems to be working for us. Even if this new relationship doesn't work we know that just discussing it has made our relationship much stronger.

zjande-where in the bay area are you? Do you ever go to any of the SFbay area poly dinners. I'm on the e-list, but haven't gone yet.

[zjande]

Allana, we live in Concord, in the east bay, but I drive into SF constantly. I wasn't even aware of a bay area poly e-list! What is it called? Is it a yahoo group? I'll look it up, it sounds cool.

I think your situation sounds wonderful. I hope all goes well with you, your dh & this new woman. I think the best thing to do in regards to your kids, is to just be open & honest. They're so young right now they won't think anything of having an "extra" person dating or living with their mom & dad. Some day you could start by explaining simply that "some people grow up & decide to date/marry/be with only one person, & some people decide to date/love more than just one other person, like me & your daddy", & eventually you can explain definitions of monogamy & polyamory, & sadly, explain that some people are afraid of what they don't understand so they might be judgemental of your family.

We have an 11 yr old dd & 4 yr old ds. Our 4 yr old is still too young to think anything of seeing his mama being cuddly with 2 different men, & I've always used that explanation above to tell my dd about our lifestyle. She's very, very understanding. She knows it's all about CHOICE. That we all have the right to choose how we want to live.

The one thing that I personally ended up doing is not using the words "girlfriend or boyfriend" to describe my SO's (very often anyway), b/c of my fear of my kids running around calling my SO's that in front of folks that I might not want to discuss our poly ways with. My family just to refers to my others by name, or as my friend. BUT, that of course would all change if we ever LIVED with another partner......

[Allana]

Go to www.polyamory.org and you should be able to find the group. I don't really like the list however, I stay on it just in case I am able to go to one of the dinners. The discussions are VERY nitpicky and the tone is somewhat hostile at times, but there are some good discussions occasionally.

Thanks for you words of encouragement, we need them at the moment. Our SO is kind of wanting to not even discuss the relationship right now.....she is taking way too many units in school and working too many hours, and in her words she can't think about any thing else. We are trying to give her her space and just be supportive.

IS there anyone else out there in this tpye of relationship?? I would love to hear more stories!!

[Nicke]

Wow. I was quite surprised to see this discussion here. Happily surprised of course! My husband and I decided 2 years ago (8 yrs into our relationship) that we wanted "more". We decided to open our marriage up a little and "swing". After lots of talking and soul searching, we came to understand that we were poly. Currently we do not have any SOs, but we did have a beautiful relationship for almost a year with a wonderful couple. So sorry it ended.
I am curious about others with kids too. I have little ones and I am not sure how to explain it to them. Obviously the baby is not an issue, but my 7 yo is (was) curious about the "other people" who were at the house quite a bit.

[Ravin]

I posted this on the other poly thread, but for anyone interested, there's a polyparenting email list you can sign up for at www.lovemore.com. It's not as busy as some of Loving More's lists, but it's a good forum for questions and networking, etc.

[mahdokht]

*

[TigerTail]

my mil is in a group marriage w/ her husband and wife- we just say 'grandma x and grandma y and grandpa z', but i wonder what we'll say when the kids are older (prolly easier to explain than grandpa w in a dress:rolleyes: )
suse

(i'll prolly say something to the effect of 'it's a free country, isn't that awesome!' & make a civics lesson out of it:D )

[bunny's mama]

okay you two crazy yammers....cool it, y'all are gettin' me HOT. :wink

[Mama2Lennon]

:hippie
Thank you so much for this discussion! I don't often get a chance to browse the boards but this was very worth it. I checked out the lovemore and polyamory links, thank you for those.
Just wondering if there is anyone poly out there from Ontario? This may be a good discussion to add in a non-queer section, for other poly parents to find. Of course being poly is a queerish lifestyle. I want to talk to more poly parents in my area (near Toronto), or non-parents for that matter. I know that poly is natural for me but I have had very little experience with it. It's hard to find ONE lover, even a play friend!!!!
:wink

[sadie_sabot]

My partner and I were both 'with' other people when we became lovers, and have been poly to some extent ever since (almost 6 years). Dd is only 3 months, and i cannot imagine either of us having the time or energy for another relationship right now (barely time for the one we've got) but I imagine as she gets older and things settle down a bit (do they?) one or the other of us is bound to have something happen. My fantasy ideal would be another couple with kids, but not some weird swinger thing. just another couple where all four of us 'like' one another. We know a couple kind of like that--it's been very inscestuous over the years...but they are younger than we are and don't have kids.

i figure, living in SF, it won't be that hard to explain to dd. Polyamory, queerness, transfolks, I hope for it to all be a part of what's "normal" to her.

[Ravin]

Hear hear!

My poly lifestyle isn't nearly as "active" as it was before I got out of the Navy, but I do intend to keep my ties to the queer community (I'm bi as well as poly), and in point of fact intend to enhance thm more now that I don't have to be closeted for my career! I also wouldn't trade my secondary relationship (with a married couple, who have 3 kids and have taught me a LOT about AP and in fact introduced me to Mothering) for anything. We don't get to see each other often, and when we do it's as much about just spending time together as friends as it is about anything else (with 3 kids, that's a given).

[meridianstacy]

Hi, we are poly and looking for that someone special in our lives we were with a special person for about a year she was our first relationship. My emotions run very deep for her and she was one of those people who would come and go back and forth between us and her boyfriend we could not satisfy her needs i was very hurt and she came back too see us one last time and the next morning i decided i could not do this any more my kids were attached to her and it was getting harder and harder to worry about her when she was gone and take care of my family also she was fun and great. but we are now looking for someone special that we can becomeinvolved with and may be find a future with .It is hard finding poly people i want to meet her in public not on a board i want to just go out and meet a friend and take it from there not just talk for 6mnths on chat and then go i want to find it quickly and it is hard to do i may not find it but i am always looking. Any way enough about me i love this group very much please keep writing.

your friend
stacy in missisippi
meridianstacy@yahoo.com :happyt: I was wondering if there were any othe poly families on this list. I am very new to the life of polyamory. Hy dh and I sort of stumbled onto it. We have a very close friend that we have always both been attracted to and when we finally told her, she had the same feelings. So we are at the very begining stages of a relationship with her. It is kind of on hold because she is in school, so we are taking it very slow.

My qustion for those of you in a polyfidelity relationship, how does it all work out with kids for you? My dh and I are hoping to someday have a deeper realationship with this other person someday and we were trying to figure out how it all works when kids are involved.

Allana

[moondiapers]

We're poly in northern california. We have two children. We're in lake county. We don't have anyone else in our lives right now.....but our situation is unique. Basically I am bisexual. My husband is monogamous, but is totally ok with ME having another love :) We've known eachother, been together off and on since highschool, and permanently for 6 years now.


-Heatehr

[Indigo73]

Just subscribing, don't have time to chat.

We've been poly since before marriage, over 5 years.

[Belleweather]

Thought I'd come in and say 'hi'!

DH and I have been poly since we met. It was something I'd been into since Highschool, but he'd never really been exposed to functional open relationships before he met me so it's been a big learning experience for him! We just had a big break up with our lovers of five years, which was unexpected but at least reasonably civil, so I'm kind of proud of that! (The civil part, obviously, not the break up!) He's got an out of town boyfriend who has been a friend of mine for quite a while, but I'm kind of feeling like no one is ever going to want to be involved with me again once I have this baby, and so haven't really had the drive to get involved with anyone lately. (Also, bad morning sickness really lowers the amount of time you have to date, you know?) Still, we've been really lucky with just waiting around and having the right relationships jump into our laps, we're just chilling and enjoying getting ready for our first baby!

[lunadoula]

Hello all, thought I'd chime in here. DP and I are polyamorous. We more identify as non-monogomous though. We're not interested in bringing other people into a committed relationship with us, but enjoy having deep friendships that also involve intimacy. It's heartening to see moms on here who are poly - we don't have a kid yet, but I often wonder how we'll handle the topic. It's not that I would have a problem letting a child know about poly, but we're not out to our families about it and I can't imagine changing that.

I'm also interested in hearing how people's expression of being poly changed/didn't change after having kid/s. I imagine for myself that obviously with a newborn it will be difficult enough to have sex and intimacy period, let alone with more than my dp :LOL

[JenniferC]

Woohoo! Thought I'd surf over here and see if there was a poly thread in hiding! I'm a bisexual, poly, married mamma, DH is hetero and newly come to poly theoretically so we are moving slowly. I've been interested/identified as poly since I was 13 or so, but kept slipping back into monogamy since it's the norm, but it just keeps surfaces and won't go away! LOL :).

Because we live SO far away from a metropolitan centre we are basically looking for poly-fi relationships with people (preferrably AP type couples with children, but singles too) who are interested in coming and doing the self-sufficiency homesteading thing with us :). Okay, sorry if this sounds like a personal ad ;).

I'm really fairly poly inexperienced with a failed vee type relationship under my belt as it were, but it was delightful while it lasted.

Nice to meet you all :), and I can sympathize with the not much room for sex with others let alone DP with wee ones around!!! The nice thing about poly fi is you can send the kids off with an uninvolved parter if their available!!

[myjulybabes]

Another non-monogamous couple here. Open to polyamory, but it just hasn't worked out that way yet. We live in a fairly conservative area, and we are both bi, so that can complicate things. But thanks to the link of the first page of this thread (which I didn't realize was going on 3 yrs old, wow!) I found a Yahoo group for our area, so we shall see!

[zjande]

I was surprised to receive notices in my email lately that there's a poly thread getting responses at Mothering.... and then I laughed when I realized, "Oh! I started that thread!" Haha. It has been 2.5 years! I thought I should update you guys on my own situation these days, it's a bit different!! :LOL My dh & I actually separated 1.5 years ago & are divorcing. I dated my beloved boyfriend (who had a wife of 10 years who had a girlfriend of 8 years who had a boyfriend of some odd years who lived with his girlfriend...... :D ), for 3.5 years before I broke up with him, broke his heart, & now sadly we're not communicating at all.

I met my current partner one year ago. After more talking through, arguing, discussing, crying & rejoicing than I can possibly describe without writing a book, we ended up monogamous. And I'm perfectly happy about it! How weird! I've never been mono, & never ever imagined myself that way my whole life since I started dating at 13. I would have seriously bet you a squillion dollars that *I* would never be a monogamous person! :p It was a crazy ride getting to this point. I felt like I was truly questioning my whole identity, "I couldn't actually *want* monogamy could I???" But by golly, I did. I'm so happy with dp & just dp. As for our future, besides knowing that we will be together until we are ancient & wrinkly, I trust we will get through whatever comes up, together.

So yeah, I'm a poly traitor. :LOL :bag:

[myjulybabes]

Aubrey, I'm so glad to hear that things are finally working out for you! And really, thanks for starting this thread all those years ago. ;) Getting involved in the Yahoo group has kind of rekindled dh and I's hope that yeah, this could happen, we could make this work.

[damirati]

WOW!! I think I'm going to LOVE it here!...I'm new to this forum but I was SO happy and comforted to see a polythread. I have recently part of a Triad. This is my first time in a polyamourous relationship (the other couple are married with children) I'd love to talk to anyone who has done this with children, and esp. if you ended up living together. Thanks!!

Love & Light,
~damirati

[myjulybabes]

Boy, this poly thing gets pretty complicated sometimes, doesn't it? See my thread "Questions from a newbie poly parent" for more info, but the basics are this: Dh has just ended a relationship that was only in the beginning stages anyway. Primarily because I don't like her, even after making a decent effort to get to know her, but also he just wasn't feeling right about it either once it got to a certain point.

So now she's flinging a bunch of crap at us: you're not really poly, you don't understand how poly works, blah blah blah. It shouldn't, but it IS making me wonder. Does preferring a specific type of relationship (in this case, a person who is involved to some degree with both of us, though allowing that his/her relationship may be different/more intense with one partner or the other) make us not poly? I thought it was just about being open to having more than one love, not necessarily being open to every single possible configuration of relationships one can imagine. Yeah, maybe down the road dh can have a girlfriend I don't like, but because we aren't open to that situation NOW, we aren't qualified to call ourselves polyamorous?

Am I being naive, or is she just lashing out because she's upset and hurt?

[Indigo73]

Sounds like she is bitter.

Will check out your other thread and may post more later, since I am yet again at work and all alone with the phones, hehe.

[Arduinna]

yep, she sounds bitter to me too and vindictive. WTF, you aren't obligated to get into a relationship with every poly person you meet. :angry

[Indigo73]

See I would lump her reaction along with the response that bisexual will f*** everything with 2 legs. Not a trueism at all, just an annoying generalization that people use to hurt us.

It was a relationship that didn't work out, a break up like any relationship mono, poly and anything in between.

[myjulybabes]

Thanks for the input. Sheesh, I'm glad we ended this now. I can't imagine a few months down the road.

[damirati]

Wow...Thats horrid! I don't think that because you found that she would not fit in with your idea of what was wanted/desired in the relationship that makes you not poly. My relationship is a bit deeper with Sir than it is with His wife at this time, predominately because I've spent a greater portion with Him than with her. However I do love them both. They have at time had relationships which were exclusively His or exclusively Hers with no interactions between the other partners and the spouse, and while that wasn't an issue for Them...they both feel most...fulfilled in a Triad situation. I'm sorry for the bad expereince, but gladly it happened relatively quickly so you all can move forward

Love & Light,
~damirati

[mehndi mama]

WOW!! I think I'm going to LOVE it here!...I'm new to this forum but I was SO happy and comforted to see a polythread. I have recently part of a Triad. This is my first time in a polyamourous relationship (the other couple are married with children) I'd love to talk to anyone who has done this with children, and esp. if you ended up living together. Thanks!!

Love & Light,
~damirati

DH's girlfriend moved in with us at the end of May....and became my girlfriend as well. Honestly, it's been wonderful....but also a big lesson in understanding human emotion! And DH is definitely becoming well-schooled in negotiation & tact! But really, having another woma around all the time has been like a dream come true for me, but I should also say that she really loves kids, loves being a homemaker, and is very similar to me in interests and convictions, so we really mesh well. The key, as always, is communication. Nobody is allowed to get the sulks without talking out the problem *soon* - like, a couple nights ago, they went for a bike ride while I was dealing with 3 kids and a growth-spurting baby who would not stay asleep. The bike ride turned into a very LONG bike ride, and by the time they got back, I was ANGRY. So I did get pissy, and stomp around furuiously cleaning the house while not talking to anyone....but after everything was picked up, we all talked, so I didn't feel walked on, nor did they feel like it was *them* I was mad at. Sometimes it's easy to confuse discontentedness for jealousy, so you really have to search your feelings to see what exactly you're angry about. In that case, it wasn't that they were out doing something fun without me - it was more that I had wanted someone to ask me how my day had been, and maybe offer to hold the baby so I could get stuff done, and it didn't happen.
So anyway, it's a BIG learning process. My oldest child is 13, and he gave our partner a very hard time for the first few months - but that turned out to be a reaction to the disrespect his dad was showing him, rather than something DP has actually done. Just further proof that you sometimes have to dig to find the root of the feeling!

[EnviroBecca]

:wave Hi everybody! It just occurred to me to come to this forum and see if there was any poly talk going on. I'm glad there is. :)

I've been poly since I was 19. (I mean, that's when I understood my orientation.) I'm really glad I figured it out at an early age and accepted that it might break up the relationship I was in...w/someone who was intrigued by poly but very keen on monogamous marriage as his ultimate goal. We had other problems as well, and I think if I'd stayed w/him I might be happy enough to get by but wouldn't have grown as much or enjoyed my life as much as I have now.

Basically, if it were up to me I'd be having sex (at least occasionally) w/all my male friends. It isn't up to me: Some of them are in closed relationships, and some don't like the idea of having a sex partner who doesn't make him her one-and-only. So, I've sometimes had 2 simultaneous serious relationships, and I've had up to 4 "friends I occasionally play with" at one time. EnviroDaddy and I have been together 11 years now; he started as a friend and gradually became my main man. :love He'd like to have other partners but doesn't want that enough to put a lot of effort into it, and nobody's come along for him since we got together. Sometimes I daydream about the ideal girlfriend for him, who would be my friend too. (He and I both are straight.)

When we were getting ready to TTC, I was involved w/another man long-distance (weekend visits once a month or so) who was dating very actively. I was beginning to realize that he and I had very different ideas about how our relationship was "supposed" to work, partly due to his having never had a really long-term or living-together relationship and having lots of experience dating as an adult, whereas I haven't done any dating (like, going out w/someone I don't really know yet to see if we get along well enough to have sex) since I was in college. We probably could've worked it out if we'd both been really motivated...but he felt there was no point since he wouldn't get me all to himself no matter what he did, and the complications of continuing to be w/him while TTC were obvious!

So, for nearly 2 years of TTC followed by pregnancy, I wasn't w/anyone but EnviroDaddy and felt fine about that. I kind of figured that while I was BFing and preoccupied w/mothering a young child, nobody would be interested in me and I wouldn't have time anyway.

Well...we have a friend w/whom I'd spent 1 night about 5 years ago (I needed to sleep elsewhere due to household disaster when EnviroDaddy was out of town; friend and I fooled around as well as sleeping) but he'd never initiated a repeat. When baby was about 3 months old, friend started calling more often than usual, asking me to come over sometime because he really wanted to talk to me. I said, "Gee, I'll try, but I'm busy, I'm BFing, I dunno..." When baby was 5 months, EnviroDaddy suggested that I take a Sat. afternoon off, take my breastpump, and go visit our friend. Turns out our friend has a thing for mothers! He thinks stretch marks and milky breasts and such are REALLY HOT. I had no idea. :innocent He did want to talk to me (about something unrelated) but also wanted to have some fun. Not only was this an opportunity for me to enjoy without worrying about when baby would wake, but I realized: EnviroDaddy had been admiring my body saying, "Oh good, you're almost back to the way you were," but my friend was admiring my body saying, "Oh good, NOW YOU ARE THE WAY YOU ARE." It blew my mind! I hadn't realized I needed to hear that! :kewl

That's the great thing about polyamory, IMO: You can have a solid relationship that fulfills enough of your needs that you feel pretty happy, and ALSO, without harming said relationship, you can explore what other people have to offer, which is sometimes a great benefit.

Ideally, we hope to find the couple of our dreams (another partner for each of us) who have a child or two. I feel sad thinking of EnviroBaby being the only child in the family, but there are many practical reasons why we feel that we two parents shouldn't have more kids...but if there were more parents, that would be cool! I'd be willing to consider a polyfidelitous arrangement, but I prefer to have things "open" in case good opportunities come along and because I just don't see a good philosophical reason to have a "closed" relationship.

Anyway, that's my story! As far as what we'll tell our kid, it depends on what's going on when he's old enough to notice, but we hope to convey the idea that love is not something to be jealously hoarded. I managed to get that idea even from my monogamous married parents (who BTW are horrified that I did :eyesroll because that's not what they meant to teach me!) so I think it'll be easy. We'll see...

[JenniferC]

Wow, EnviroBecca, that is a fabulous post! My DH and I are theoretically poly but without a lot of experience, it was around 19 that I discovered my orientation as well, but had some struggles accepting it, thinking I might be monogamous with the right person etc. Ever thought about moving to rural Canada? ;)

[EnviroBecca]

Bumping the thread...at least JenniferC thinks I am cool! :) Hmm, Canada maybe, but not rural. We are city mice. We love Pittsburgh but not so much the policies of the United States; Canada seems a lot cooler in many ways. Also colder though, and it gets cold enough here!

[Sharlla]

Something that we have attempted but havn't found the right person, not actively looking anymore. DH had a GF who was not Bi and she moved in and out the same day. I guess she said that she couldn't handle sharing him and she wanted to find someone who wanted a more traditional lifestyle. I would love to find a lady that both of us loved but i doubt that would ever happen. It seems that there are so many couples out there looking for a 3rd but no singles looking for couples.

[Indigo73]

Well...EnviroBaby we are on the same coast, which almost never happens, LOL. I am in CT.

Sharlla, I don't ever go out looking for others. We tend to run into people in everyday life. Our dream is isn't a triad so that may be why we are so easy going. We like networks - loose connections that allow everyone to do their own thing within reason.

Dh currently has 2 girlfriends who he sees very rarely because of everyone's schedules and I have been cultivating a new friendship that is very promising and looks like it will move in a new direction as time goes by.

[granolamom]

Hello..this is one place I have never posted!!! We have been poly for awhile..My husband is hetro and i am bi..we currently have another couple we are involved with..we had a very sweet friendship with the two of them and she and I were lovers off and on..at some point I formed a close realtionship with her husband and DH formed a realtionship with her.. this has been going on for awhile (over a year) and it works very well for us.. we love them both very much and consider them family...

[Divina]

Hi! DH and I are both bi and poly. We were more active in pursuing partners before we had kids. While we were TTC, we were temporarily monogamous. We haven't had any outside partners since our youngest was born--too much going on in our lives (moved, got married, I started WOHM-ing again). But we have two couples we're friends with that may become lovers as well. One couple we have "played with" before, we sort of lost touch while I was pregnant and recently started getting together occasionally again. The other is a couple we met through our local firespinner/BurningMan community (we're Burners, and DH firespins). They are in a very nicely functioning quad. Both "couples" are legally married, and each has kids, and they all live together in a too-small house in the country. Eventually they'll add on to the house. They aren't poly-fi and other lovers get brought into the "family", but usually they just have sexual relationship(s) with one or two members of the core quad.

Right now, my libido is lower than normal, between BFing and general lack of sleep. DH would really like to pursue poly more actively now, and I have no objection, but I'm not really up for doing a lot about it myself. I don't really want to have a live-together quad or triad sort of setup--I have a hard time living with just DH and kids! But I'd like to have some steady partners ... and I would really love for DH to have a steady male lover, something he misses, but it seems to be rather more difficult to find that a bi female lover for me/us!

[Kaitnbugsmom]

glad to see this thread is still active. We're going to be getting more equal in our relationship now that the baby is here and we're settling in. Just waiting on a place of our own where we can be ourselves.....

[mandalamama]

:wave bi and poly here, and married. i feel shy talking about it here, but after seeing so many pages, i thought "go for it." we're TPE as well (includes BDSM) and the BDSM Tribe got shut down after a post on polyamory, so i was worried it's something we can't talk about here. but it's who i am, as a woman and as a mother.

our third moved back to her home state to complete her education, and i miss her! it was so wonderful going through most of my pregnancy with another woman, my husband was understanding but there are some things only a woman can feel, you know? i also miss her because she was a nanny, can't find a more perfect girlfriend than that :wink i would be so happy in a triad, i'm not one to find something on the side.

[bjorker]

Wow, this is a great thread. I am also bi/poly, though I've been pretty vanilla since I was pregnant with my now-7 month old. DP is perma-vanilla (haha) but open to me being with females. Right now that's plenty good enough for me, I just don't exactly have opportunities popping up all over the place when I'm WAHMing with a young baby and am generally a pretty quiet, timid person. Any good suggestions, anyone? Surely I'm not the only one whose hit a brick wall (right? right? oh dear...)

:Sheepish:

[paquerette]

I just wanted to say hello in here. I've posted on one of the poly threads before, but there's a bunch of new people here! :bouncy

We've been poly 3 years. I've been in an LDR with a guy in Toronto for 2 years. Dh has had a couple of attempts at relationships with women who turned out to be various shades of unhinged, plus some unserious flings. He has bad luck, and I'm shy, so this all hasn't been going quite as planned. Of course, the utopian plan is to find a woman who's near my bf that we all get along with and form the perfect quad, but I don't believe life's gonna throw that at us anytime soon. ;)

bjorker: try okcupid.com? It's the best matchmaker site I've found so far, and even if you don't find someone on there, the quizzes are lots of fun. :down

[bjorker]

paquerette-- thanks for the suggestion, but I'm already on OKcupid, haha. and I love the quizzes and all the match questions too. :P I have seen some pretty interesting sounding people on there, but I always get a little intimidated just reading what they have to say about themselves and what they're looking for :P
(sigh)
I'll get there... it's a slow process.

Thanks though :) Good luck in your quest! :D

[Pandora114]

Heyo, Poly-Curious here *If there's any such term lol if not I just invented it*

I'm married, love my DH to bits. But....you know???

He's not open to it...

It's hard to explain...really....

I am bi-curious, and have had a few experiences with females, enjoyed it....

Argh...

:bag: I dunno...I'm wierd....I can't articulate it properly because I don't know how....

[maigheach]

my fiance and i have been together for 4 years. meeting him was the first exposure i ever had to either polyamory or bisexuality. (he is bi.) personally, i have never known other bi, gay or poly people. i have been bicurious for about 23 years, but never actually knew there was a term for it. i thought i was just weird. since i have never known anyone else in my position, i have made it a point not to ever become close to any women. i have never had a female friend, let alone a girlfriend. the only person i know in real life who knows about my attraction toward women is john. i expect it will stay that way.
one thing that makes me sad is the fact that john considers himself poly, and would like to have a poly family, with BOTH of us being involved. i just don't see it happening, but i don't want to squash his dream flat. i mean, i'm 45, and have never met any real-life bi women or men. i have no interest in men at all, with the exception of john. and not a soul is ever going to know about my interest in women, least of all any women.

roxanne

[UmmBnB]

Hi all,
Glad to see this thread as well. Dh and I are both bi and have made attempts at relationships in the past but nothing has ever worked out. We've found that lots of folks talk about relationships but all they really want to do is play. :shrug Also, its hard to find others with kids and for us anyway, its hard to relate to non-parents.

We stayed in the scene, but slowed down, while I was pg with dd and just recently have started to get back in the swing of things. Dh met someone, a friend of a friend, and they have really hit it off. This guy and his girlfriend came over for dinner and brought their ds night before last and we all had a great time. The kids hit it off and she and I got along great! I've already met the guy and he's wonderful. So, we'll see. If nothing else, we've found some great, like-minded friends.

[UmmBnB]

Thought I'd try and go beyond our stories here and try to get some discussion going. I've so wanted to talk about this with some like-minded folks. My poly friends are mostly childless so I can't talk with them about many aspects of our life.

I'm wondering about how folks have become active after having babies. Like I mentioned in my previous post, we'd very much like to find a couple who we click with, a regular thing. But we also do like to just play some. We are members of a local private club and enjoy evenings out there.

We went out once together when gma was in town a few weeks ago. Had a fabulous time, danced, talked, played, just really let loose. It was incredible. Then last Saturday I went by myself. It was a fetish night and I got all dressed up in my finest. I felt incredible heading out.... I only stayed for about an hour. I felt lonely and woefully out of place. It was such a bizzare feeling. I'm one of those people who can walk into a room full of strangers and make friends instantly. I was with people I've known and enjoyed for at least a couple of years and felt so out of place. When I got home dh was waiting up for me and I just broke down crying. After talking through it I decided that I simply wasn't ready to go out on my own. I felt like I should be home with my baby but I wanted to be out.
And so that leaves me torn....

I'm so ready to be active again. My sex-drive and desire are as high as ever. Including others in our life hightens the intimacy between the two of us - I'm sure you can all understand this. Dd is just too young for us to go out, which is really fine as clubs aren't our favorite way to be involved with others, but it is fun and sometimes the only alternative.

So....anyone want to share some experiences on keeping your non-vanilla lifestyle alive after a baby break?

[Pandora114]

Well, Umm I'm TRYING to get it moving again. See, DH is the first guy I've been with since DD was born. *DD's bio-idiot is NOT DH* And we've had discussions about bringing others into our lives. He said, point blank *And I was soooo suprised because he has come off as amazingly vanilla* "I wouldn't mind it, but not right now, we are still in that newlywed phase and we really need to get used to each other a bit better first, before bringing in other people"

So, He IS open to it. heck his opening line to the convo was "Let's address this elephant in the room shall we?"

:bag:

[maigheach]

John and I have only been together for 4 years. Before I met him, I never knew anything about "lifestyles" or "swinging" or "polyamory", etc. Never realized that people actually BOUGHT "toys" and used them.... had never seen an adult movie.... heck, when my older kids were little, I never let a movie into the house unless it was rated "G".
It appears that my ignorance has caused/is causing John to suffer. I am open-minded, to be sure, and want him to feel free to explore however he wishes. But it's been very hard for me to get into any of it. I feel like my sexual development was arrested at 14 or so, when you giggle and snicker at anything to do with sex. Like it's just for adults, and I don't feel like I'm an adult yet. (I'm 45.)

Anyway, the point of my post is to say that John wants to get into some of this stuff, and I want him to have the freedom to do so, but I don't feel like I can be part of it. Having a 2 year old, not being willing to use babysitters, and having a small trailer to live in rather complicates things in that respect. And we're getting older and less functional; John is 52, and having some issues with impotence, so I feel like he doesn't have a lot of time to wait until I'm "ready". Has anyone else ever felt like this? I love John, and want him to be happy and enjoy life. He's poly at heart; me, I don't think I'm capable of it.... I've only ever been in love once in my entire life, and that's with him.

Roxanne

[EnviroBecca]

Including others in our life hightens the intimacy between the two of us - I'm sure you can all understand this. :nod For me, having had an "adventure" makes sex in general more exciting for a while. It's possible to have that feeling of adventure w/my longterm partner, but it doesn't happen much. For him, knowing that another man he likes/respects/admires finds me attractive is very exciting! He likes to hear about what happened, and I like to tell him...but it can get tricky for me if the other partner doesn't want me to share details. Another thing that happened in my last serious other relationship was that spending a weekend w/my other guy enhanced my appreciation of EnviroDaddy and the way he and I agree on almost everything! Not that I was arguing a lot w/my other guy, just that we didn't have the same feeling of harmony, and he had some living habits that would've driven me crazy in a longer period of time.

Maigheach, it isn't unusual for one partner in a relationship to have additional relationships while the other doesn't. It's worked out that way for us by circumstance, but we know some couples in which (as one of them put it) "If you draw a diagram, he's an intersection, and I'm an endpoint." It's a fine arrangement as long as both of you are happy. If you are comfortable being supportive of John's involvement w/other women, tell him to go for it!

[Kaitnbugsmom]

Hi All! Glad to see this thread getting active. We had a lot of baggage to work through, but we are back to a peaceful, loving triad. C is doing alot better health wise, and I credit that to getting out of the factories and away from the chemicals and the stress... and that has eased a bunch of stress from all of us.

Miss Emma is doing beautifully. Right now she's dozing in her bouncy seat while I peruse *my* boards and catch up the laundry. She truly is blooming and is such a peaceful, loving baby. Just holding her takes away all the stress and makes the world feel more right. And I'm not the only one who says so, so it's not all mamma pride. She is just as comfortable and happy as can be most of the time. Except maybe at her four am feeding. That's the one that usually takes us a while to wake for. {i'm not blessed with mama radar and don't pop awake the minute one of the girls rolls over or whines} The other girls are doing alright. They are having adjustment issues due to the rapid changes, but now that we are in a more peaceful enviroment, they are starting to make alot of progress.

As for our tri-union... as I said, we've resolved alot of our issues, and things are going so much better. We need to talk alot more, but things are on the right track. I'm in the process of trying to find vows for to dedicate to them, or at least ideas... C and I are still planning to divorce legally, since it's not a matter of *if* Tony is going to get deployed, but when. His hitch isn't up til 2008, so we know it's going to happen. And when it does, he wants the kids and I protected. Which to him means making our union the legal one so that the girls and I are entitled to TriCare, and if the worst happens, that we'll have enough to get by on and put the girls thru school...