Do you set rules for your parents when they have your kids?

[Changed]

I really need some perspective. Maybe it's just me but I do have some rules that I expect my mother to follow when she wants to keep my DD. They aren't unrealistic and they are minimal but they are to keep her safe and to make me feel better about letting her stay over, in another city at such a young age. My relatives think i'm a b**ch and have no right to impose these rules on my mom. They keep saying how "if they'd ever have told their parents that, they'd have said they could just keep their kids at home!" and ow it's my mother and I should trust her to make the rules while my kids are with her. She's still my mother, yada yada. I'm starting to worry I"m unreasonable. I don't want to be the reason she gives up and stops spending time with them,yk? I want honesty. Tell me if you think i'm unreasonable and please share your rules or outlook.

My rules:

Do not take her in the water without calling me FIRST. No beach, pool ect. (of course she can have a bath or play in the sprinkler.) She can't swim.

She has to ride in her carseat at all times. Period. No exceptions.

I prefer that she not be taken to places like a really busy mall on a saturday but this is just a perferance. (She tends to wonder and for someone not used to having kids around...)

[Dragonfly]

Do not take her in the water without calling me FIRST. No beach, pool ect. (of course she can have a bath or play in the sprinkler.) She can't swim.

She has to ride in her carseat at all times. Period. No exceptions.

I prefer that she not be taken to places like a really busy mall on a saturday but this is just a perferance. (She tends to wonder and for someone not used to having kids around...)

I don't think any of your rules (or preferences) are unreasonable. You're the mom. You have every right. I do wonder how the first one works, though? If you allow it to happen anyway, then does notifying you actually serve a purpose?

My son has always been with his father or me when visiting two of the 3 sets of grandparents, so we're there to enforce our rules (and have had to on occasion). When he gets to an age where he can visit them on his own if he chooses to do so, then we'll definitely outline the rules. The other set (my mom and her husband) live only a few miles away, are pretty much a daily part of our lives, and know our rules from observation. They're naturally gentle people and I haven't found a need to lay down the law, with the exception of not feeding ds fast food or copious amounts of sugar. :LOL

One thing that occurs to me, though. When you trust your child with people, you have to be willing to give up a certain amount of control. You certainly can't micro-manage every detail of their interaction. If your rules get to that level, it's probably a good time to start re-thinking them.

[Changed]

To explain, the calling me first part.


If they want to go to the beach and build sandcastles I would be ok with that. I would not be ok and would not OK her going swimming at all.

The problem is that all of thses rules have already been broken at least once.

She took her fishing at the beach after I asked her not to take her to the beach and did not take her carseat! WTF?

She says her carseat was in their other car with the boat and she couldn't help it. Says it was harmless to take her to the beach for fishing because they didn'
t get in the water.

Then, this weekend, we were all at my grandmothers house. My mom said she was gonna take DD to my aunts house for a minute to look at the new tile and stuff they put it. OK fine.

Calls an hour later and says that she's been in their pool having a blast for 30 minutes. Alone. They were watching her though.

I flipped and screamed at her. I told her to get her out NOW and bring her back to me and that I was PISSED.

I hung up on her and went and got her myself. She had just barley gotten out and was still dripping wet when I got there.

Now, hindsight, she had a floatation type swimsuit of my cousins on and they were sitting dangling their legs in where she was swimming around. She was so upset that I made her leave and cried all the way back. I felt horrible for her but was so pissed that my mother had the nerve to break the rule and then call me afterward with that it's-perfectly-fine-because-it's-too-late attitude and make me the bad guy, again. Always. If she had called me, she would have know that I was going to take her swimming and had even brought her suit with us. I would have even been ok with her taking her if she's have gotten in with her.

[Diane~Alena]

I think setting rules is fine. I hate my inlaws and how they raised my husband but I respect they want to be apart of my kids lives so I only allow my kids to go because my inlaws obey my rules. I often think I haven't set enough rules since my poor little boy comes home thinking that being naked is a sin :irked: . It is true that our parents didn't set rules but our parents also didn't have the concerns we have today. Times have changed.

[onlyzombiecat]

I think it is fine to have basic rules that you expect to be followed by the person watching your child. Your relatives can think what they will- you are the parent.

I think the one about the water is too vague and screams "I don't trust you to supervise my child". Same with the mall situation. However, you may have had very valid reasons for this and your rules should have been respected.

The rule about the car seat is very clear and the one with the least room for interpretation. It is also a law in most places... not just a parental whim. Anyone who broke that rule for me is saying "I don't care about your child's safety" and would not be caring for my child again.

Even if your mom thinks the rules are too strict she should follow them if she wants to keep your child. Since your mom breaks the rules already- leaving you no reason to trust her now- I would not leave your dc with her alone again.

[matts_mamamama]

I try to, but mine are more minor in comparison, as my son is still pretty little. <shrug> Obviously, the carseat one is non-negotiable for me as well, but many of mine have to do with food, drink and basic spoiling that my mom and MIL tend to like to do. My MIL gave my son orange soda the other day and I about left the party just because she laughed it off.

And by the way, if I hear "I raised you" or "you guys turned out alright" one more time, I'm going to flip out, I swear!!

I appreciate that our moms raised us, but now it's our turn and our kids are our responsibility and therefore, our choices in how we parent should be respected.

[moma justice]

i would not leave my dc with ANYONE who i did not trust....

trust to make good safe choices adn respect my parenting rules/ways of life...

i will not let my dd be alone with my MIL ever again b/c she made dumb choices and has now made very clear that she does not respect my mothering,

MY mom, is super respectful down to the letter about my parenting and is, if anything, more over protective than i am...so my dh and i feel fine to let dd alone with her.....my sister is the same

i do not let my dd be with people who i don't like and don't trust....and i don't give a sh*t about their "feelings" or me sounding "rude"

like a past poster said, those people all had a chance to raise their children, and i think they did a crappy job, i am not going to hand over my dd to them now and turn my headt he other way while they F her up too......

stand your ground, set your rules, and if they break them, or you FEEL YOUR CHILD IS NOT SAFE!!!!!!!!!! PROTECT YOUR BABY!!!!

[Miss Juice]

nak

when my dd was a few mos old i had to attend a seminar in a city about 2.5 hrs away. my mom (same occupation as i) came in from another state for same seminar. we drove together with dd. when dd started screaming in her carseat - what baby doesn't - i told my mom we had to stop.

she said Just Take Her Out and Nurse Her.

in the car while moving. i told her that there was no way, dh would kill me if he found out (i would tell him of course) and furthermore if anything happened i would not be able to live with myself.

she ccontinued to insist, it would take too long for us to stop and after all she used to nurse me WHILE DRIVING so what was i so uptight about...

even now 3 years later she won't wear a seatbelt in my car, wants to let my kids out of their seats etc. we are going to visit her next week and I am sorry, my kids will not drive with her alone in her car. I do not trust my mother to keep them safe.

I feel bad, and I want to trust my mom but she has ignored my requests before to the point of "Mom please don't do that" and her response is "No it's OK if I do."

ultimately i know that if anything happened while she was in charge i could say "I told you so" and it would never ever ever be enough. So she won't have them unsupervised until she gets a grip. I don't even think it is paranoia or control issues, I just think that if you are the mom then people who love you should do it your way. Just to humor you if nothing else - like they weren't worried about their own babies?

[UnschoolnMa]

No hitting (or any physical discipline of any kind) or yelling at my child.

Respect my child's choices regarding themselves. This means that they never have to eat something they don't want to eat, they can wear shorts if they want to, etc.

My child can come/call home at any time they want to.

[CountryMom2e]

I agree - you might want to make the water rule more specific (no swimming, no swimsuits, no pool, no beach). I ABSOLUTELY agree with you on the car seat.

We have minimal rules for my ILs - car seat is an absolute must, no juice, soda or junk food. At my house, I don't let DS watch TV except for the occasional video, he gets very little sugar, and we are pretty consistant about naptimes. I let MIL blow those rules when DS is at her house if she wants - it's up to her. I think at some point you have to say either it's ok that you watch my kids (and thus relax some of the rules I follow at home) or it's not ok.

[Changed]

I"m surprised that the no water thing seems vague to some. I guess it is something to consider. Do you think I should let her take her swimming ect even though she can't swim or just adjust how I word things. Like beach ok swimming at beach not ok. You don't need to call me, this is the rule?

[Diane~Alena]

I"m surprised that the no water thing seems vague to some. I guess it is something to consider. Do you think I should let her take her swimming ect even though she can't swim or just adjust how I word things. Like beach ok swimming at beach not ok. You don't need to call me, this is the rule?

I have anyone who has my children call me before they take my children anywhere just so I don't worry. I would sit and tell whoever has you child that you fear for the child safety in water because of the no swiming issue I am sure they will understand and work with you on the topic.

[Linda in OZ]

When my boys were younger I never really had a problem leaving them with mum, she is pretty open minded and if I told her I wanted something done a certain way then that was how it was done. I totally understand the carseat. and I can see where you are comming from on taking her to a busy place. The swimming, I don't know, I think if your mother takes the necessary steps to ensure she is safe, why make your dd miss out on the fun of splashing around in the water, maybe because I am a water person and we spend the best part of summer in the water and I have got no hope of keeping the boys out of water if it is there to be swum in, I tend to be a little biased. But ultimately she is your daughter and if you aren't comfortable with her doing certain things then that is your right. :)

[Changed]

More kids die in pools every year than by guns. The undertow at the local beach is terrible and my mom is just not that great a swimmer. It's good to know at least that you all don't see the idea of ANY rules too much. I wish she did. I do trust her for the record, it's just that, well, mom wanted her to start staying down there with her for the weekend much earlier than I was really comfortable with. She was too young for my comfort so I wanted to lay down some rules. I have some control issues no doubt tho.

[Ann-Marita]

I have rules for ANY caregiver for my child. It doesn't matter if they are related or not. If they break the rules, they don't get to keep my child for unsupervised visits. Real simple.

[lynnb875]

i think rules are ok for any person watching your children. I ALWAYS have rules for my 3 kids no matter if its my parents, inlaws, friend etc. I set basic rules & then their are some that i will leave up to whom ever has my kids. For the most part noone has ever given me issues. i have had small issues with my inlaws only because my FIl USED to think if he had my kids he was the decision maker, well after he was not allowed to have the kids until he saw our views it all changed. Now its great & he knows we are ultimatly {sp} the ones to decide it all. { within basic reason}

good luck

[Ahimsa]

I definitely have rules for anyone that watches my son including my parents. I tell them that they don't have to agree with them, but they do have to respect and follow them. It doesn't matter if other people think they are unreasonable. You are mom and it is important that you are comfortable with things.

[faythe]

A few rules are ok, but only if they are very specific, like always riding in the car seat or don't feed peanut butter. The other two rules, I can kind of understand your thinking, but if you don't trust your mom to use good judgement then I wouldn't let her take your dd by herself.

[eilonwy]

I trust my MIL with the kids, but we do have one rule: They're not to take BeanBean (BooBah has never visited overnight without me) to their church. I know that MIL would never take him near water without express permission, and she's just as tense as I am about carseats (she was injured in an accident when she was 4 and riding in a buggy).

Mostly, the rule is, "If you don't know, ask." If they don't know how I feel about BeanBean eating something or doing something, call me up and ask. They do very well with it most of the time, and noone thinks it's unreasonable (though FIL thinks I'm too tense :eyesroll).

[shelbean91]

the carseat thing alone would be the end of unsupervised visits. My MIL tried that once, and was very clearly told to NOT do it again (but, we were going really slow, it was only in the neighborhood, etc.- were the 'reasons' she gave).

I also understand the swimming thing, but I think if you can't trust your mom to watch your dd while she's swimming, I don't think your mom should have your dd unsupervised, esp. since she's shown she'll do what she wants anyway.

[Changed]

I guess it's about giving up some control in order to let her learn to trust my mom. I want and expect her to learn that if she (DD) knows that she is not allowed to for example ride without her carseat, that she tells that adult and asks them to call me. She has a hard time doing that when something she wants is on the line. And, she's only 5. I sorta feel like I should apologize for yelling at my mom but I still am not ready to just say, do whatever you want.

[captain optimism]

I clicked on this to say, of course we tell my parents our rules. My parents used to give my grandparents guidelines when they watched me and my sister, it would be weird if we did not do the same. But now I see that your relatives are involved? Hello, what is the problem here? Are we not on the healthy boundary bandwagon?

That pool story is INSANE! You can't leave a child--even one who CAN swim--in a swimming pool by herself. Watched by other kids? Oh come ON. Flotation devices on children who don't swim are VERY dangerous!

I understand that the car seat thing is relatively new and that a lot of grandparents don't get it yet. So that's why you have the rule, and she has to stick with it! How would your mom feel if she got into an accident and your child was hurt?

I don't think you should back down on having these rules, at all.

Here's another piece of advice that you didn't ask for: your daughter is old enough for swimming lessons and should have them. Where is the closest place that you can get them for her? If she loves the water so much, swimming lessons will help keep her safe and she will get a lot out of them.

[Changed]

I clicked on this to say, of course we tell my parents our rules. My parents used to give my grandparents guidelines when they watched me and my sister, it would be weird if we did not do the same. But now I see that your relatives are involved? Hello, what is the problem here? Are we not on the healthy boundary bandwagon?

Apperantly not. They are country (yeehaw!) type people. I had no choice in the matter. I was just born here. They are not seeing things iin the same light. They take is as a total insult that I even feel the need for rules.

That pool story is INSANE! You can't leave a child--even one who CAN swim--in a swimming pool by herself. Watched by other kids? Oh come ON. Flotation devices on children who don't swim are VERY dangerous!

Actually, it was my mom and her brothers wife who were sitting poolside watching her. But I totally agree, those suit lend a false sense of security for all involved.

I understand that the car seat thing is relatively new and that a lot of grandparents don't get it yet. So that's why you have the rule, and she has to stick with it! How would your mom feel if she got into an accident and your child was hurt?

We rode in the floorboard on a blanket for heaven sakes! I try to explain this concept called ACCIDENT. It's not that Ithink you're a terrible driver who will have a wreck on ever corner. It's not something you plan out. That's why they call it an accident. Im ALWAYS overreacting.


I don't think you should back down on having these rules, at all.

Here's another piece of advice that you didn't ask for: your daughter is old enough for swimming lessons and should have them. Where is the closest place that you can get them for her? If she loves the water so much, swimming lessons will help keep her safe and she will get a lot out of them.

Thanks and as soon as I can, I will. I really wanted to get her into swimming lessons this year but I can't send her alone and I can't take the babies too. It's one of those things. HOA pool may have lessons.

[mother nurture]

stand your ground, set your rules, and if they break them, or you FEEL YOUR CHILD IS NOT SAFE!!!!!!!!!! PROTECT YOUR BABY!!!!

:yeah:
I totally agree w/ this statement. I set lots of rules when dd is left w/ my parents or my MIL! From activities I don't approve of, safety, food, no tv, etc. I think that it is important for dd to be safe. I do, however, realize that it is impossible for someone to do EVERYTHING the way I would. I leave my dd w/ people I know I can trust. If I can't trust you to keep her safe and nurtured...I'm not leaving her w/ you!

[TinkerBelle]

To explain, the calling me first part.


If they want to go to the beach and build sandcastles I would be ok with that. I would not be ok and would not OK her going swimming at all.

The problem is that all of thses rules have already been broken at least once.

She took her fishing at the beach after I asked her not to take her to the beach and did not take her carseat! WTF?

She says her carseat was in their other car with the boat and she couldn't help it. Says it was harmless to take her to the beach for fishing because they didn'
t get in the water.

Then, this weekend, we were all at my grandmothers house. My mom said she was gonna take DD to my aunts house for a minute to look at the new tile and stuff they put it. OK fine.

Calls an hour later and says that she's been in their pool having a blast for 30 minutes. Alone. They were watching her though.

I flipped and screamed at her. I told her to get her out NOW and bring her back to me and that I was PISSED.

I hung up on her and went and got her myself. She had just barley gotten out and was still dripping wet when I got there.

Now, hindsight, she had a floatation type swimsuit of my cousins on and they were sitting dangling their legs in where she was swimming around. She was so upset that I made her leave and cried all the way back. I felt horrible for her but was so pissed that my mother had the nerve to break the rule and then call me afterward with that it's-perfectly-fine-because-it's-too-late attitude and make me the bad guy, again. Always. If she had called me, she would have know that I was going to take her swimming and had even brought her suit with us. I would have even been ok with her taking her if she's have gotten in with her.



I am sitting here hyperventilating. Especially over the carseat. Not only is it the law almost everywhere I can think of, it is dangerous and put your daughter's life in danger. I have a brain-damaged neice who, at 16, will never mentally mature past the age of 10 or so, all because someone was too lazy to put DN in the car seat. If one of my relatives or DH's ever decided NOT to use a carseat for my children, that would be the last time that person would see my child for a long time, and then only with supervision.

As far as the swimming and other things, she is your child. I do not think your rules are unreasonable. I would tell dear old mom that if she really loves her GDD, that she would keep her safe. Anyone who does not put a child into a carseat does not love that child, as far as I am concerned. I know some here will find my attitude a bit harsh, but when you live through what my family has lived through over the years, then you can comment accordingly.

Bottom line hon, the baby is YOUR child. If they do not like your rules, cut them off. If they call your home and cuss you out, block their number. Do not take abuse from anyone.

[hazelmama]

Wow! I'm really surprised by your mom’s behavior and your relative's reaction to the situation. Your rules concern significant safety issues. I would not back down on them! I can't see how anyone would think it would be ok to ignore them or that you were wrong to impose them.

[Changed]

Wow, So much guilt lifted! They all are constantly telling me that I'm too controlling and am always overprotective and overreact at every situation.

The carseat thing was the second time I let her stay the weekend. It was last year. She apologised after DD came hom and told me what happend. Said she was sorry but that it was not her fault. The carseat was in her DH's car (whom I would rather DD not spend much time with anyway and certainly never ever ever alone) but that he took it an accident and already had the boat in the water and could not bring it back. So, instead of disappointing DD and not taking her after already promising she would, she just put her on the back of her suburban and belted her in. It was 6 am and there was no one out. They were only on the freeway for about a mile ect.

She seemed sorry only because I found out. She said she knew it was not ok but that the situation warranted it. What always pisses me off is that she never calls me and says, this is going on, is it ok if I do this or what would you prefer? Make me the bad guy! I don't care! I want her safe at any cost. I would have gladly been the meanie and said that they just have to wait until he gets home and she has her car seat. Walk to the park. Get over it.

Same with the pool thing. I would have gladly brought her suit over and swam(?) with her, which I did later that afternoon and the next morning. But she had to let her do it first and then make me look like a jerk for being upset about it.

[TinkerBelle]

Let me add that my niece's accident happened less than a mile from home. She died 3 times and they brought her back. She spent months in the hospital and rehab. She had just learned to walk and learned some words. She had to learn EVERYTHING over again. How to swallow, chew, sit up, etc. She is now 16 and will never mature to adult status, mentally. She will always need supervision.

All because someone was too lazy to buckle her in properly. I do not care how old the caregiver is. They need to obey the law and your rules.

[Willowrose]

The lack of car seat would be the end of unsupervised visits, for me.
You should NEVER have to compromise your child's safety and NEVER feel guilty for thinking you are out of line.
Safety is one issue I will not bargain with. It takes one second for an accident to happen. Turning their head for a minute and your child ventures a bit too far in the water. Not using the car seat, getting hit and child flies out the window.
Flotation devices are not meant to be babysitters in the pool. They can only do so much. They can't grab your child and pull her out of the pool if something happens. Even kids who can swim, should not be left alone. Kids drown all the time and I would venture to guess that 9 times out of 10 it is because there is no adult supervision.
I rarely leave my children. I trust our family, but I don't trust anyone to watch the boys like DH and I do. We are around them all the time and I know exactly what issues need extra precautions. If we were to have someone watch them, safety and discipline issues are my 2 big things. I don't mind if the boys have an ice cream or some other treat they wouldn't typically have at home. These things are limited and in small moderation, I don't have a problem with it. Safety I won't budge on. They either stick with my rules, or they wouldn't see the boys unsupervised. Discipline is the other. I expect my boys to be disciplined only with a time out or a firm tone. No yelling, no spanking, no punishment that would undermine our gentle disciplline policy.

If you don't look out for the safety of your children who will?

[Changed]

You know, I don't really care if she eats 3 bowls of non organic ice cream from walmart when she's there. I want her to have fun. Part of going to grandmas house is staying up late and having goodies ect. All that is fine. I do ask my mom to make sure she eats at least her 3 meals whatever they be. She's got a habit of playing through mealtimes. She doesn't have to clean her plate and doesn't have to eat things she doesn't like. I thk tose things apply like the discipline thing. Of course, If we don't spank, no one else should either.

[Best Feeling]

Wow! I'm really surprised by your mom’s behavior and your relative's reaction to the situation. Your rules concern significant safety issues. I would not back down on them! I can't see how anyone would think it would be ok to ignore them or that you were wrong to impose them.

I totally agree! I can't believe anyone would blink an eye at such seemingly simple, safety-minded rules.

If my mom only saw them once in a while, I'd have no rules. She spends loads of time with the kids (watches them 2-3 days a week while I work) and sees them a lot just for fun too. She is very GD and safe and all that so I have NO rules about that stuff.

BUT we do have rules and they are all about FOOD.

Because, geez, my intelligent sweet mama does not know the definition of crappy and/or junk food. She feeds or asks to DD1 crap all the time. "What about potato chips, can she have those?" NO!!!! "What about these little mac n cheese kids meals?" NO!!!! "A happy meal?" NO and PUKE!!! "What about graham crackers, are those sweets?" ARGHHH!!!

It makes me crazy :nut

[Changed]

Ah, I'm laid back about food. I prefer organic meat and veggies but we do lots of snack and junk food too. It's saftey issues that i'm concerned about.

[Flor]

I used to have my sister and my mom watch ds while I was at work. Now, it's just my mom because my sister could not get it in her head that he is my son whether I am there or not, and I decided it wasn't safe. She was giving him solid food before I was ready, giving him ice out of her mouth (choking and germs!?!), being lax with carseat. I didn't care that she had 3 kids already, she couldn't respect my rules, so nope. I know I'm not crazy because my mom on the other hand, totally respects the way we raise ds. She is super careful with him and asks if things are ok to give him or take him. She would never feel comfortable taking him in the pool so I wouldn't have to tell her no. I would never let anyone but me (ok, and dh but I would probably want to be there, too because I am paranoid) take ds into a pool.
My mom's friends are always saying things like "well, we did it that way and our kids lived" and my mom tells them, "they know so much more about safety and health these days than we did back then." She thinks it's so stupid that her firends are stuck in the past. Things change!

Also, when our 10 year old had a pool party for his bday, several parents decided to stay and supervise thier kids even though we had several adults stationed at the pool. They thought that pool safety was so important that they had to be their if their 10 YEAR OLDS where in the pool, and we had to agree.

[Linda on the move]

I wouldn't leave your DD with your mom for several years. Car accidents and drowning are the #1 and #2 causes of deaths in children in the age group and your mother has proven that she cannot follow your rules.

Kids are the most likely to drown when their are several adults and they all think someone else is watching the child. If there is a pool at someone's home, I won't let my kids play at house without me, unless I know what all the safety rules are and I trust the adults to follow them. Kids fall into pools. It happens.

[matts_mamamama]

I sorta feel like I should apologize for yelling at my mom but I still am not ready to just say, do whatever you want.

And that is your right as a parent!!! (not saying do whatever you want) Don't feel guilty about wanting the best for your kids! You shouldn't have to apologize for HER ignoring your rules. Heck, she should be apologizing to YOU (and if your mom is like mine, I wouldn't hold my breath!)

It's funny - I never thought that giving my parents rules for taking care of my kids would be something I would have to do. Don't know what the heck I was thinking!!!! It's like they get into grandparent mode and want to spoil them SO bad that they ignore all the rules! I always assumed they would know our way of doing things, know our rules and have no problem with that. Man, was I wrong!

[Changed]

I was very opposed to her staying over out of town when this all started. She was almost 4 and begged me. Even after the carseat thing, I let her go to Florida with my mom because my brother (who I trust above all else with my kids) agreed to take off work and go with them to visit my sister. I was very pregnany and couldn't go. I flipped out the whole time. Longest 3 days of my life! I cried, screamed and begged them to bring her home each day. I was feeling really skrewed. I was guilted into letting her go in the first place when I was not comfortable with it in the first place and I felt really hurt that no one cared that I was worried. They just wanted me to let her go and didn't give a crap once they got their way. My brother helped my stay sane and was the only one who would even talk to me while they were there. Gosh, Just talking about it makes me flush.

How do you deal with it though? My sister is at my moms visiting right now and really adds to the guilt. SHe keeps saying things like "mom is getting close to giving up all together" and the ever famous " when my baby is older..."
She's going to do apperantly everything differently. Whatever.

There is all this crap in between my normally super close family right now. I hate it but it's all important. Too important to sweep under the rug. Oh, Did I mention her dog bit DD the other day? It was of course, all my daughters fault. Afterall, "she was asking for it". She's ok except for a cut on her jawline.

[lumi]

I don't think your rules are wrong because they're safety issues. I'd be very nervous about letting anyone spend time with my child if they neglected to use a car seat (although, it sounds like your mom isn't likely to repeat that mistake).

In our case, I have never given my parents any rules for my children. I trust their good judgment on safety, they wouldn't spank so that's not a problem, and all the rest (food, sleep, TV, etc) I don't have strict rules about at home anyway. My mom would be horribly insulted if I gave her a list of dos and don'ts, because it implies a lack of trust. My kids wouldn't stay with her to begin with if I didn't trust her. Besides, the older girls spend weeks each summer with her in another state, and that's too far and too long to micromanage without driving us all crazy! :)

[Rainbow Brite]

My dd has never been babysat, and won't be for quite a while. If/when she is, I would have a ton of rules. If ANY of them were broken, that person would not be babysitting. Your rules are safety issues. I would not let your dc alone again.

[Linda on the move]

My mom would be horribly insulted if I gave her a list of dos and don'ts, because it implies a lack of trust. My kids wouldn't stay with her to begin with if I didn't trust her.

I don't think telling my mom basic saftly rules shows a lack a trust. My mom is in her 60s and all the safetly guidelines have changed since she had little kids. Car seats didn't exist, seats belts where seen as silly, no one had heard of a bike helmet, there weren't air bags so kids could sit in the front, etc. My mother is a lovely person and I trust her to be kind to my children, but I don't expect her to know what is new in the world of safety in the last 40 years.

[Linda on the move]

I was guilted into letting her go in the first place when I was not comfortable with it in the first place... My sister is at my moms visiting right now and really adds to the guilt. SHe keeps saying things like "mom is getting close to giving up all together" and the ever famous " when my baby is older..." .

:Hug
This is your child and you have to set some boundaries with your extended family. Your extended family is not always going to be happy with you.

I would pick one sentence and just keep repeating it to whatever they say, such as "I can see how you would feel that way. None the less, this is what DH and I have decided is best for DD." Then your sister talks, blah blah blah, guilt guilt guilt, and you say "I can see how you would feel that way. None the less, this is what DH and I have decided is best for DD." Eventually, they get the point that you aren't budging. It is easier if you don't let yourself get sucked into a chat about the pros and cons on your parenting decisions. You don't have to convince them and you don't have to justify yourself to them.

I find it odd that your family seems more concerned about keeping Grandma happy than about your DD's safety.

[UUMom]

Well...I dunno. The car seat thing, no issues. Of course. If your mother can't be trusted to use a car seat each and every time she has your child, she can't ever take her.

The pool thing? I do that all the time. Sit at the pool with my kids in the water. You write that two adutls were sitting on the edge of the pool watching her. I don't think that's dangerous at all. Unless the two adults are drinking. How can the child become familiar in the water if not allowed to be in the water, supervised, in a flotation device (as imperfect as they are they do buy you a couple of seconds to get to a distressed child) as your child was. I would feel humiliated if someone screamed at me, eso in front of others, while i was right there watching the child and the child was not in danger. What was wrong with that, in particular?

I think the thing is you don' t trust your mother, which is fine. If i felt that way about my mother-- thinking she was too old to understand carseat laws, for instance--there is no way I would let my child be with my mother. Just say no. And you can stop the arguing with her.

[Changed]

I would feel humiliated if someone screamed at me, eso in front of others, while i was right there watching the child and the child was not in danger. What was wrong with that, in particular?

What is wrong with that is that it was a rule that I had specified ahead of time and she disregarded it to satisfy her own agenda. She yet again, got to be the good guy and I had to be the bad guy. I'm sure she was humiliated when I screamed at her. What would it have taught her about my rules and respecting them if I had said, well, next time.. ? That they aren't that serious and it's not that important that she follow them. That maybe they are a control thing rather than genuine concerns of saftey.


I think the thing is you don' t trust your mother, which is fine. ... Just say no. And you can stop the arguing with her.

Who wouldn't want their children to have a good relationship with another adult who loves them? My DD adores my mother and loves spending time with her. It's probably her most favorite thing to do. I feel like for her sake I need to make this work. For her saftey, I just have nag my mother once and a while. I'd rather look like the jerk than take away something so precious to DD. It's not really even that I don't truse my mother. It's that I feel like she doesn't take me or our rules for DD seriously. That really bothers me.

[UUMom]

You rmother is supposed to ask because her judgement worries you, yes? It's also probably hard on your daughter to see her mother and gmother fight like that. So you have to balance the stress of her witnessing that and being worried that her mom might be mad about something, Vs with being left with a grandmother who supposedly loves her, but won't care for her properly. will humilating your mother in front of your daughter serve your purpose? Will it help your daughter be safer?

I would never leave my child with a person who couldn't keep her safe. i would also not fight with my mother in front of my child. Children don't need that burden. if you and your mother can't work it out, if your mother can't care for your daughter in a safe way, you might want to reconsider your girl beig left alone with her.

Sounds tense and dangerous, and that's too much stress for a kid. And for you. Why not curtail the unsupervised visits until you think your mother can understand what she needs to do?

[cycle]

I have rules for ANY caregiver for my child. It doesn't matter if they are related or not. If they break the rules, they don't get to keep my child for unsupervised visits. Real simple.

:yeah: :yeah:

[Changed]

you're misunderstanding one thing. i never ever talk to my mom about this stuff in front of dd. I want to make that clear. It's not her problem to worry about and I would never make it so. I talk to her on the phone outside or in person away from her.
Yes, I guess to some extent I worry about her judgment. I worry about everyones concerning my child. A little distraction happends easily but my precious child cannot be replaced. No matter how sincere an accident. Of course I worry about her judgment! Wouldn't any mother?

[UUMom]

I trust my mother's judgement. I don't trust my father's judgement, so my young children have never been in the care of my father. But no, I don't worry about my kids any extra when my mother has them. My mother has even taken my children to the beach, street fairs, festivals etc. :bag:

I'm glad that you don't argue in front of your daughter. It sounded like there was a scene at the pool. I must have misread.

I hope you can work it out so everyone feels safe, heard and cared for.

[Changed]

crap. me too.

[UUMom]

One thing you have to accept is that you will worry, no matter. Sometimes our worry makes us not want to do anything. Sometimes our worry is out of proportion to the situation and/or reality. But worry is what humans do. Some of us more than others. It's esp true that mothers worry. Try to keep the danger you feel in prespective. Don't let it eat you up. Ask yourself honestly if a certain situation offers a high or low degree of danger, and then react.


I am **not** saying you don't have a right to your worry and your fears. You do. We all do. But do sort out the worries in your mind. Understand what you can control and what you cannot control. Let some fear go when you know you've planned the best you can, and communicated the best you can. There is a certain amount of trust we humans need to have simply to walk out of our doors each morning. Being anxious is part of the human condition, but we have to reign it in to some degree, or we can becomes prisoners of fear and not want to do anything or go anywhere.

[Kincaid]

I think both your rules are *very* appropriate ones.

My mom is not as old as your mom. But she is not a swimmer. She can barely dog-paddle around a pool trying to keep her hair dry, LOL. We grew up with a swimming pool in our backyard, and my father had a rule with my mother that if he was not home to supervise we would always have on life vests while swimming. Not floaties - full fledged ski vests! When I was as old as 10 and 11 years old! My dad knew my mom was a weak swimmer and so they agreed before putting in the pool that we'd always wear live vests unless he was there with her. Part of trust between two people also involves understanding and accepting their limitations and weaknesses. If you feel she is a weak swimmer or might be inattentive (by the way, my dad knew my mom would be "laying out" and not have her eyes on us at all times), that doesn't mean you don't trust her. It means you know her li

[Changed]

out of curiosity, how old is your mom kincaid? i'm wondering how old you think my mom is.

[UUMom]

Oh! Can I answer? !

You say your Mom doesn't know/care about carseats and seat belt laws. So, i would figure she grew up in a time when they did not exist. Which would be before the 70's.

My Mom knows about carseat laws and she is 64. So I am going to guess your mother is older than that. My mother says she remembers Ralph Nader and all his articles, esp Unsafe At Any Speed. So your mom has to be older than mine. However, you are more than likely younger than i am....

But i am gonna guess your mother is at least 65. (making her a year older than my mom who knows of ralph nader, seat belts etc).

[Kincaid]

I thought I read your mom was in her 60's earlier in the thread. Did I imagine that? LOL

My mom is early 50's now. I can remember my mom turning 30 (and not being a strong enough swimmer in my dad's opinion even then). Of course there are women who mountain bike and do triathalons older than that so it's not her age, you know! Even in her prime fit years she wasn't a good swimmer. And she likes to lay out with her eyes closed :irked:

[csilvers1]

Yes I have rules for my mom and the in-laws. More for the in-laws than my mom though. My mom is more like me so there isn't much I have to tell her. My in-laws...whew...they are rediculous sometimes. I hate the way they raised DH and I have no intentions of them affecting my girls in the same way.

I don't think any of your rules are wrong. You are the mom and your rules are the ones to be followed by who ever might be watching your child.

[Linda on the move]

I thought I read your mom was in her 60's earlier in the thread. Did I imagine that? LOL

That was MY mom. Linda on the move. My mom is in her 60s, is not insulted by me giving her safety reminders, and is happy to follow them. :thumb

My mom does know that these things exist, but knowing at what age a kid doesn't need a car seat anymore or is safe to sit in the front seat is beyond her (it is beyond a lot of much younger people, too.) This isn't what her life is about, but she is happy to follow whatever I tell her for safety. I have a problem with someone saying that it is insulting to let another adult know what the rules are for your kids. I don't think I'm insulting my mom. She is a wonderful grandma.

[TinkerBelle]

Oh! Can I answer? !

You say your Mom doesn't know/care about carseats and seat belt laws. So, i would figure she grew up in a time when they did not exist. Which would be before the 70's.

My Mom knows about carseat laws and she is 64. So I am going to guess your mother is older than that. My mother says she remembers Ralph Nader and all his articles, esp Unsafe At Any Speed. So your mom has to be older than mine. However, you are more than likely younger than i am....

But i am gonna guess your mother is at least 65. (making her a year older than my mom who knows of ralph nader, seat belts etc).


My GRANDMOTHER is 78 and knows about seatbelt and carseat laws. So, there is NO excuse.

[celrae]

So many of my friends have gotten real crazy over this type of issue. You have every right to set boundaries and rules as you see fit, you are the MOM but, sometime it can get out of control. I don't set rules for my parents or in-laws anymore because, I realize that I have to trust them or I shouldn't let the kids go. My parents and in-laws do things differently than I would (sleep, eating, napping, tv, ect.) but, ultimately the girls are safe. I have also, noticed that girls grow-up after being at Grandma's there are new experiences and independence that they would have never gotten if they were only in my care. Some of my friends have now come to realize that as new parents they were way too hyper vigilant and set up too many rules in these situations. :wink

[nancy926]

A few rules are ok, but only if they are very specific, like always riding in the car seat or don't feed peanut butter. The other two rules, I can kind of understand your thinking, but if you don't trust your mom to use good judgement then I wouldn't let her take your dd by herself.

I haven't read all the responses, but i totally agree with this one.

[Adamsmama]

I've read through most of the posts and I feel that if you have rules whoever is watching your child should try to follow your rules. I'm in a situation now with my ILs where they feel they can do things I don't want them too or if I try to do something with my kids they think is overprotective or whatever MIL will roll her eyes at me or say a rude comment. I don't know what to do. My first reaction is to not be around them anymore but I suppose I shouldn't do that since they are my kids grandparents. I feel like they've tried to take away my authority as parent, though. :(

[Changed]

Boy, I know how that feels. Hugs mama!

[TinkerBelle]

I've read through most of the posts and I feel that if you have rules whoever is watching your child should try to follow your rules. I'm in a situation now with my ILs where they feel they can do things I don't want them too or if I try to do something with my kids they think is overprotective or whatever MIL will roll her eyes at me or say a rude comment. I don't know what to do. My first reaction is to not be around them anymore but I suppose I shouldn't do that since they are my kids grandparents. I feel like they've tried to take away my authority as parent, though. :(


I am not telling you to keep your kids away, as that is your decision. But, just because they are the grandparents is not a good enough reason, IMO. Kids live without grandparents every day. I would call her on her rude comments. Tell her these are YOUR children, and she does not have to like what you do, or even like you. But, she WILL treat you with respect in front of the kids.

If grandparents cannot treat the parents with any respect, they do not deserve to see their grandchildren. Seeing kids is a privlege, not a right. I would be remiss in my duty as a mother to allow my kids around people disrespect me and/or DH. That would teach my kids it is ok to disrespect me or their father.

[Flor]

Ok, I was talking about this subject with my mom. I have rules for her but I never had to speak them outloud because she already knows my parenting style. She is interested in the baby books and magazines I read. She says that so much has changed since she had kids (she's 49) she is interested in the new studies, etc. A lot of her freinds, however, have these issues with their daughters. My mom's perspective was that these grandmas still see their daughters as kids, not full adults whose ideas are respected. She thought it had to do more with the grandma's relationship with the mom than any firm ideas about right and wrong. My mom might want to roll her eyes at me occasionally, but thats ok, she still abides by my wishes.

Also, my mom acknowledges that a lot of what they did back then, what she did, wasn't right (like very early solids, sleeping on tummies,and sticter child discipline), so she is interested in the new ideas. She thinks she made some mistakes and likes some AP ideas. Why do parents seem to get so offended by ideas that are different from what they did along time ago with different information to base their decisions on? Where does that arrogance come from?

My mom searched for a book for AP grandmas when ds was born and couldn't find one. She wanted to know what I was going to do, but also new car seat laws, statics on sids and back sleeping, etc, all the studies done in the last 30 years. She couldn't find one, so if anyone is thinking of writing a book. . .

[charmander]

No, I have no rules for my mom. I trust her.

[MeadowSong_]

I totally trust my mother in every way, and she knows how I am, so I have NO worries while my boys are there. The only big rule's I have is that they HAVE to use their carseat, they HAVE to wear sunscreen, bug spray when needed, and they can't play outside by themselves. They are pretty obvious so, I don't worry to much, except for the sunscreen and bug spary one, I always remind on that one LOL!

[matts_mamamama]

No, I have no rules for my mom. I trust her.

Different strokes for different folks, I guess. I trust my mom (otherwise I wouldn't leave her alone with my son), but that doesn't mean there aren't things that I want or don't want her to do. It's been over 30 years since she's had a little one around - not only have things changed, but he's MY kid, not hers, so how she did things isn't necessarily how I do them. And at my son's age, consistency is a huge thing for us.

I think it boils down to respect, for me, anyway. If my mom wants to hang out with my son, she can do it with my rules. That doesn't mean I rule with an iron fist - there is plenty of leeway, but there are also rules that I expect her to respect.

[mamabain]

i haven't read all the replies, so sorry if this is repetitive. i definitely have rules. here are the rules for babies under 1: (they are written and posted on the refrigerator)

1. only give food, medicine, drink (water is a drink) that is specifically approved by dh or me. CUrrent approved food, medicine or drink is limited to: X Y Z

2. NO spanking or physical punishment of any kind.

3. no yelling or shouting at G.

4. Stay with G., hold her, if/when she is crying. (We do not believe in crying it out).

5. No use of TV or videos as entertainment for G.

These rules change as they get older. Except for 2 and 3. Even with these written down my mother-in-law violated rule 4 by letting G. cry in bed alone for 10 minutes trying to put her down for a nap. After that, she only cared for G. after age 2 alone.

[UUMom]

If i didn't trust my mom, she'd ****never**** get my kids.

I would *never* trust anyone who needed *rules* to keep my kids safe.

Anyone who needed guidance to keep my kids safe wouldn't be allowed to have them. My mother is not stupick. :bouncy

It's just *too* basic, and i am :jaw thinking why *anyone* would leave their kids with *anyone*-- family or not-- that they didn't trust if they were not forced to!

You can go around and around with this, but my thought is NO WAY is anyone taking my kids who can't care for them in a manner i want them cared for. Holy cow. I can even believe this thread has gone on so long.

Anyone who needs 'rules' isn't worthy of my kids. My mother **knows** us! if she didn't, fageddahbout it. If there was ****any**** question at all...wow. No. Never.

What's the debate? If the g-parent can't deal, they don't get the kids, end of story. No way am I gonna try and figure out how a grandparent -babysitter might try to undermine us!

I knew there was a reason we weren't into other folks caring for our kids. My mother is worthy, and so is my sister. But so few others are. I'd not leave my children with anyone with whom there was *any* sort of question mark.

[Changed]

FYI< I think it's fairly obvious that I didn't post this for debate. I posted because it's a situation in my real life right now. It's not a an idea or something I was pondering for grins. Geez. You could loose the attitude because it doesn't help anyone.


back to the thread:

I really appreciate the input. I think this will ba a wait and see thing. There is not way to know if those mishaps were a learning experience and will never be repeated. I do feel that it's unfair to hold it over her head forever. Ultimately, I know how much my mom loves my kids and that she would die to protect them. I just dont see her as maternal and protective. Maybe that's my problem. As I said, I know I have some control issues and I think I may be trying too hard to keep control when I am physically not in control.

[UUMom]

We are going around and around and around and around.

Don't leave your kids with folks you don't trust!

Where, exactly, is the debate?

So, um, yeah. It's cut and dry for me: My kids aren't an experiement to be left with people who need rules about basic saefty issues.

[Changed]

YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT.


Do you think its impossible to trust someone yet still desire that they know and follow your rules for your children? It's rediculous to assume that setting any rules means you don't trust the person. It's not like they are borrowing a car, it's a child for goodness sakes.


Thanks everyone for the input. Unsubing now.

[UUMom]

The point for me is that I wouldn't leave my children with someone who won't respect them and/ or me. My kids love my father, fi, but when they visit with him, I'm there. Not asking someone to babysit doesn't mean you can't love and have a relationship with them. My dad is a wonderful person, just not someone capable of safely caring for my kids.

Your mother doesn't respect your wishes, can't make choices that you feel good about. Don't ask her to babysit. I fail to seel to see where there is another option.

A bunch of us can say 'you're right and your mother is wrong' again and again, but that just leads to the questioning of why you then want her to babysit in the first place?

It's obvious you have issues with your mother...a lot us do. You can't change your mother, but you can change your reactions towards your mother. Getting angry with my honesty doesnt change that relationship, yk?

[charmander]

UUMom, I agree with you when you say "don't leave your kids with someone you don't trust." It's not that I don't let my mom know about certain things - like what time I'd like them to be in bed by, or if there are any foods that are bothering them and so not to give them to eat, but it's just that I have no rules or restrictions or anything that I would write down on a piece of paper. If there was anything, I'd tell her.

My mom doesn't let my kids watch tv, eat junk food, cry it out, etc...I ALREADY know what she is like, so there is no need. If I didn't trust her, I wouldn't leave my kids with her. Period.

For a babysitter, yes, I would have written rules, and a cell phone number...just not for my mom, or my two sisters.

[UUMom]

Right-- relatives are a hot and personal issue. They push all our buttons. If we use non family sitters, we wouldn't put up with much. And who would hire a babysitter who wouldn't use a carseat?? OTOH, we'd not yell at our paid babysitters as we might our mothers. :p We'd simply fire their butts.