overseas visitation ideas?

[taralee]

Hello out there, i am a bit nervous, my daughter and i are moving back to my home country (usa) and dad is staying in australia,
I would like to set out on paper a good visitation schedule. one that can maybe change as time goes but one to start and my previous partner and i don't do well at this together.
any ideas? how much time away from mom can a three year old handle? what about school? should dad get her every school holiday? i am really unsure on all this and want everyone to be happy and it to work. i would love ideas tara

[mammastar]

Hi,

I have stepdaughters who are 7 and 3, and their dad, baby sister and I will be moving to the other side of the country this spring. We have been mediating access with their mom, and what we have come up with is that this coming year they will spend 3 weeks with us in the summer and the whole Xmas break. We also have the option of having them on spring break (if we can afford the plane fares, which is far from certain). After that, we will be moving towards having them a full month in the summers, alternating Christmases, and every spring break. Frankly, I believe that the girls could happily spend up to 5 or 6 weeks with us in the summer. However, in their case, they are not especially 'attached' to mom: the 3 yo has been in daycare 50-60 hours a week since she was 5 months old :crying , and they have also spent alternating weekends with us and two-week holiday stretches since before they can remember. But, we also have to work with their mom's ideas, and there's only so much conflict that's worth it. So, this is just to give you an idea of one arrangement that's out there.

In regards to your situation:
- good for you wanting to start with something on paper. If you don't work well together with your ex-husband (I know about that with my dh and his ex!), having things set out clearly is the way to go. The resulting certainty will make everything easier for your daughter.
- I don't think you can state an amount of time that a generic 3 yo could handle, since every child is unique. Think about how much time your child has spent away from you so far in her life, and also (this is important) how much time she is used to having with her dad thus far -- it's not just time away from you that you're setting up, it's time with him to replace what she may miss because of the move. Some 3 yo's are still very attached to mom and others are quite independent already. What about your daughter?
- School holidays: as I said, we'll be alternating Christmases and doing at least initial sharing of summers. Spring breaks are less meaningful to their mom (just more daycare, so far as she's concerned), so they're ours if we want them. What holidays are significant to you? What ones are significant to your husband? I would not split a short break like Xmas in half, but alternate it if you want to share it, so she won't have to travel too much. Also, how much time will you have to spend with your daughter during non-holiday times? If you work fulltime outside the home, you may feel unhappy if your ex seems to have all the 'fun' time, but if you work only part-time outside the home, you may be more comfortable with him having the bulk of the holiday time. Also, I don't think there's anything harmful in younger children occasionally missing some school time for trips to see a parent.
- Think about how you and your ex will handle the flights. Usually a child under 5 needs an adult to accompany them. Who will chaperone, who will pay, etc. The cost could also affect frequency of access

I hope this helps! Good for you for continuing to promote your daughter's relationship with her dad -- it can be so hard for exes to work together positively, and you really seem committed to making the effort for her benefit.