Maybe there's been a thread on this . . .please direct me to it if it has been discussed.

There has been a lot of conflict around our house lately. I find it funny (not ha, ha) that DH and I can look at DD's behavior in such different ways, but we both take it personally.

DH:
"She DEFIES me." (This coming from someone whom I consider to strive towards GD.)

Me:
"Why does she INCONVENIENCE me/make my life more difficult?"

Now, we don't say these things to DD (3.5 yrs) but I think they are very telling . . .and I don't like what they have to say! Anyway, that's a whole other story.

I wonder if our reactions are related to how men/women tend to be socialized differently?

DH:
"She DEFIES me." (This coming from someone whom I consider to strive towards GD.)

Me:
"Why does she INCONVENIENCE me/make my life more difficult?"

How is your statement anymore "GD" than saying "defies?" I think both of those attitudes will make your life as a parent a lot less enjoyable!


Now, we don't say these things to DD (3.5 yrs)

Kids are really wise. If this is how the 2 of you are feeling, she knows it whether you have said it or not.

I don't know if this is the difference between how men and women are "socialized, but sadly I think it's typical of our culture for parents to see thier children in this light.
Everything isn't about you! If you stop taking her actions personally, you will notice a big change in your abiltiy to see her as an individual, not just someone put here to inconviencence you and make your life difficult. It's a lot more fun that way!

I do think that we are socialized by patriarchy to expect and value concepts like "chain of command." If a man expects (even subconsciously) to be at the head of that chain, then I think he will feel *personally* affronted when others fail to recognize or value that particular social ordering. I think a woman would feel the same way, except that we are much less likely to feel entitled to that top spot on the chain. Not because we are more virtuous, but because of the way we are socialized.

And I don't think little kids are predisposed to seek out the heirarchy of power. I think they operate in terms of needs and wants, and look to those most able to feed those needs and wants.

Its interesting what you say about being inconvenienced. I expect that women are more likely than men to feel responsible for getting domestic work done. And more likely to feel threatened when that goal is interfered with.

Mothering and Fathering
by Tine Thevenin

Is a very good book to read on this subject. I do think how we socialize plays a part.

But I have also thought in the lines of why is she inconveince me......... And have come to conclussions of oh she is hungry, bored, et.

cmb123, I don't consider my thoughts to be GD. I also know my DD picks up on it-- she's very in touch with her feelings and ours. I also know I shouldn't take it personally-- I'm just being honest with my inital reaction. I think it's better to own up to things like that and deal with them.

In any case, the point of this thread wasn't to discuss that (so I'll stop now) or even for advice.

MD: You hit the nail on the head with that post . . .and it's interesting that you mention domestic work. Many conflicts do revolve around this!

Marsupialmom: I will have to read that book! TY!