dh resentful about dsd's childcare

[mamafly]

Last school year I was sahm to my infant son, and sah-step mama to dh's almost-six year old daughter. It turned out to be a situation that I thought was inappropriate for myself and my family. I went from having no kids to having two, I was unable to get the support of other first-time moms because they were never available to do the things I needed to do to keep dsd thriving, and I couldn't connect with moms of kids her age because, well, I didn't really have one. Not to mention I'm fairly young for having an infant, and WAY younger than the mom's of school-aged kids. And furthermore, dsd is a HANDFUL! Whether it's that she's spirited or that she is having behavior problems due to a lack in stability (which we have been and are trying to change), she has major tantrums nearly every time she is unable to have what she wants. We're talking full-blown screaming, wailing, throwing herself on the ground, throwing things, etc...over pretty simple things like getting dressed for school before having breakfast.
It was not working, and I was getting some seriously bad feelings built up towards everyone involved.

So I have decided that I can't do it, and I'm putting my foot down. But that means an extra 300 bucks for childcare...that we don't really have. To me, feeling good about my family is worth living in a one-bedroom apartment and sleeping in the living room. But dh is super pissed about it. He demanded to know why he should have to give up everything that's important to him (i.e. premium movie channels) so I "can have free time." He said "so you get to have this free time...and what do I get? What's my payment?"

Woah. Like....I'm in debt because I watched your daughter for a whole year? What was my payment for doing it in the first place? I do not believe that this is my obligation. I just don't even know what to say.

[AngelBee]

:hug I am sorry you are going through this.

Maybe he feels that you are regecting his dd. :shrug

[Anglyn]

Um, he gets a happy wife, hows that?

Have you considered therapy for dsd? And I mean counseling, but I also mean having the school bring in an occupational therapist and psychologist to test for any behavioral and/or sensory processing type issues that could be causing her behaviors. I know nothing about your dsd and its possible of course that past trauma is 100% responsible for it all but I know that kids who have sensory processing disorders and/or autism spectrum disorders fall apart very easily because of thier underlying issues, which can be addressed and make life easier for everyone! Just a thought.

Would dh be willing to stay home with the kids while you work ft? Would that be an option?

[Tanibani]

Curious, how many hours/days is the day care?

Does DH spend time with her when he can???? She probably needs that a ton.

:hug

I have a 5.5 year old (and a 13 month old) and he's been going through a very difficult phase as well. Sounds very similar (no divorce/marital problems here). I have been very permissive :duh up to recently, and in the last few months, it dawned on me THAT was the problem (thus, he falls to pieces when he doesn't get what he wants.) DS is very rude to me, but not to DH. :irked:

Anyhoo... what is DH doing about her behavior problems??? How is he helping??? Does he give you a break in the evenings??? Can he put her to sleep???

[mamafly]

I've considered going to work full time. I'm still almost EBFing and have never had a high pumping output, so that would be an issue, but the bigger issue is that I don't think I could find a job that would pay nearly as well as Dh's. He's the second in command, and I just don't think I could get an income that would even approach his. And cost of living here is really bad (coastal california).

He is pretty helpful with dsd, but I've felt like the more I've taken on, the more he's slacked off. I dunno. I feel so bummed.