Anyone else a little bugged by the use of "bio-mom" in this forum?

[Shonahsmom]

I've always thought of the terms "birth mom" and "bio-mom" in terms of a woman who places her child with an adoptive family and relinquishes all her legal rights to that child.

Everytime I read a thread in this forum it bugs me that mothers of children, whether custodial or not, whether liked or disliked, are referred to with this title. If my dd's father ever marries a woman, I would hope that she would respect my place enough to not refer to me in this way. Some might say its for clarity in an online discussion, but if you're a step parent referring to your step children's mother, mom or mother or similiar should be clear. Why the need to label mothers this way? It seems sometimes an attempt to negate or diminish the importance of your step children's mother(s). I am not my child's bio-mom, birth mom or BM (which I've alwyas known as an abbreviation for bowel movement.) I'm her momma, mommy, mom, etc.. Would you ever introduce yourselves as your children's bio-mom?

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

I use it, because that is what I choose to use.

I am a birthmother to a child placed for adoption, so, yeah, maybe I feel like I have more of an 'okay' in my own head to use the word for anyone.

But MANY people have told me, ANY woman who has given birth is in actuality a 'birthmother' or 'biomom' (etc), and that it shouldn't be solely used for women who place.

What gets me is, if we're okay with using that term in our home, why should it offend others?

ETA: No, I don't introduce myself as dd's 'bio-mom', but I also don't introduce myself as dss's 'step-mom'. I'm just Jenni :)

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

I also want to add, I don't really think I'd be bugged if my ex remarried and they considered me dd's bio-mom. That's their choice, and it's not a lie, or derogatory IMO.

I *AM* her biomom, as well as much more. I mother her daily. (Then again, I generally see the word 'mother' as a verb, not simply an adjective)

[Shonahsmom]

When you said you use the term in your home, are you referring to this forum as your home or your home with your family? Do you refer to your stepson's mother as his birth mom in front of him? I hope not. It bugs me because I feel that it relegates the mother to a different status than what she actually is.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

My SO and I refer to her as 'B' (her first name), just as they refer to me by my first name. As in 'home', I mean when talking to friends, or my family who do not know her etc. He knows his mom's name, and will even refer to his father by his first name when talking to some people. This is something we feel okay with, as again, this is our home.

I'm sorry if you feel it negates anything, but we aren't as uptight about the uise of the word. Again, maybe because I am a birthmother to another child, the word seems much more usable to us... *shrugs* We all seem to understand that the term 'birthmother' isn't rude, mean, or derogatory here...

[Shonahsmom]

Who's all of us? Because I don't understand it at all. And considering that a whole lot of the discussion about "bio-moms" is negative, its hard to not associate it with being somewhat, well, negative. I'm not really discussing what you do in your home or with your IRL friends. The title of this thread specifically asks about the use of the terms in this forum.

I understand your perspective on it. Mine is different. Its okay that we don't agree.

[mamameg]

Shonahsmom, what else would you suggest we use?

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

I understand your perspective on it. Mine is different. Its okay that we don't agree.
And I agree. I totally understand that you believe it's rude, and negates them as mothers.

For us, it's a simple word describing what she is. I mother dss too, so 'mother' doesn't seem to work. She's 'mother' adjective, I'm 'mother' verb...lol So, yeah...lol

I will, however, continue to refer to her here as biomom, because that is what I choose to do, and I choose it as a respecting adult, who is grateful that because of her, I have dss in my life :)

[meowee]

It does seem to me that the term biomom is often used when the woman being referred to is not viewed favorably-- I've noticed that not just here but on other (non MDC) forums. However, it could also be that if a person is motivated to post about a "bio mom" on a message forum, there are problems there to begin with, and the term is not a result of negative feelings, but is just being associated with an already troubled context.

It strikes me as "odd" sometimes but I can't say it offends me. Sometimes it rings of the term "sperm donor" but, it depends on the context. Sometimes it does seem like a necessary, if cold, term for the sake of clarity.

[Shonahsmom]

Shonahsmom, what else would you suggest we use?

My stepkids' mom? DSS's mom? DSD's mom? DSC's mom?

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

My stepkids' mom? DSS's mom? DSD's mom? DSC's mom?
This doesn't apply to me at all, but I'm wondering, what about the step-children who don't even call their biological mothers' 'mom'? Should we still be forced to call them that, just because it 'bugs' some people on an internet forum?

Again, it doesn't apply to me, but in all hoenstly, sometimes a blanket term is better on a whole, even if not everyone likes it, and even if it doesn't totally apply to everyone...

[yoyo65]

I use bio-mom in reference to my SD's mother because that is excatlly what she is, their biological mother. I am their stepmother. It helps clarify the situation. In my particular case, she really is JUST the bio-mom, she has not done one thing to raise HER daughters in a positive and constructive manner. I've been doing that. But I am still their STEPMOTHER and always will be. They introduce me that way to their friends and we are all fine with that. They also have used "bio-mom" themselves when talking about the women who gave birth to them so other people understand who is who. They did this on their own. Nobody forced them to.
When other people use" bio-mom", I understand what they are saying, who they are talking about. It makes it very clear about who is who, since we don't know each other IRL.
So no, I am not bugged by it and I probably continue to use it, especially since the origional post did not have any suggestions about any other terms that EVERYBODYELSE HERE AND IN SOCIETY IN GENERAL would be clear on and understand without having to give a long,drawn-out explnation or someother confusing abbreviation.

[Shonahsmom]

I'll respond more to this tomorrow. Gotta go get my dd and I don't have internet access at home at the moment.

[yoyo65]

Would you ever introduce yourselves as your children's bio-mom?

Yes, I would.

[Momof9kids]

I've been on a few boards the last several years (mainly step-parent related) and I use certain acronyms simply out of habit. I have FOUR step-daughters. When I refer to them in general (all 4) I'm not going to sit and type out all of them, I simply type "skids". When I refer to their non-custodial mother, I type "NCBM" or "BM".

I don't have much online time, so I try to 'abbreviate' whenever I can...
KWIM? :wink

[mammastar2]

I think I understand your point, Shonahsmom - all these abbreviations can be a bit dehumanizing, and they do create a distance. Sometimes, though, in the context of a forum, particularly when someone really needs to vent and express things freely that perhaps they can't do in their home situation, they may, for themselves, need the power that comes with using a word that creates some distance. I can't personally say that the use of 'biomom' is always inappropriate, since in some circumstances it may be just what someone needs to do.

As stepparents, we're always described with an extra moniker that adds distance and 'otherness.' There's a bit of freedom in coming up with a term that has the same effect respecting biological mothers, I suppose. And it is accurately descriptive, if not exactly endearing, since the woman in question would be a 'biological' mother. Whereas 'step is a bit more mysterious -step up? step down? In my husband's culture, the only word that translates as 'stepmother' means, in exact terms, 'evil mother.' Guess what an uphill battle I've had being accepted by my in-laws?

Sometimes, in fact,"biological mother" is useful as a way to describe a family's living situation - for example, when someone assumes you are your stepchild's mother, based on your interaction with them, I think it would actually be healthier to say "oh, actually her biological mother lives in [city]" as opposed to "no, no, I'm not her mother!" or "no, I'm 'only' her stepmother, not her 'real' mother." It recognizes that there are different ways of mothering and that children can have more than 2 parents - rather than the idea that one will always be the real, unmoderated by adjectives mother, while the other will always be the not-quite, stand-in mother.

Actually, it's a term I tend not to use myself, but it doesn't bother me, for the above reasons.

[Mallory]

I don't use this term, or stepparent, we just use mom, dad, and papa (no step mom yet). We also don't use half or step sibling. My brother and sister are my brother and sister, I might occasionally clairify that we have different moms, but I rarely use half, and can't imagine I will with the baby I am carring now.

I have to admit I am not even that good at ex :o , for my ex's parents I usually say my kids grandparents, but I do still say in-laws, and even when I am talking about my ex I will either say his name or if I am telling about something that happened when we were married I just say husband.

But I do use terms like that more on a bulliten board, where it can be so hard to get your point across clearly anyway.

[flapjack]

I think bio-mom is a simple, descriptive term- I understand that it can feel very loaded, but then I think some of this maybe comes from a misogynistic viewpoint- for instance, a man who relinquishes contact when a relationship fails is criticised but not, IMO, in the same way as a woman is. I have a friend whose children don't live with her and some of the comments I've heard people make are, frankly, unbelievable.
If the situation comes up, I tell people that we're a four-parent family. It kind of overestimates their father's contribution in their lives, but it seems the nicest way of doing it. (they effectively have a stepmum, though their father isn't married yet, but it's a moot point because he makes so little effort to see them.)

[Starflower]

I guess I never really thought about it much since I don't have stepchildren or adopted children. So it doesn't really bug me much.

I have friends with adopted kids. And my best friend's family is very confusing to figure out without using terms like "step" and "bio" but she's never used them in a negative connotation.

Interesting question, though.

[magnoliablue]

I understand why it is used, though I do not use it myself. I call my step son's mom, my stepson's mom. I call my ex my children's father, my dp, my children's future stepfather, and my ex's gf, their dad's gf. When and if they marry, I'll call her their stepmom. The only reason I refer to my dp now as their stepdad, is because they children themselves refer to him that way, and because we ar engaged. They refer to my ex's gf by her first name, or as dad's gf.
They are just labels. In the end, it really does not matter what we call each other, and too many people get hung up on it. It only matters that we are all part of our children's lives, you know?
The other night, we were talking at dinner about adoption, as my fiance is adopted. His son said, 'Has my dad ever wanted to meet his "real" mom?"
I answered him "Your gram is his "real" mom. She is the only mom he has ever known."
I understand then, when there has to be a clarification between birthmother/mother, but it still feels disrespectful to my dp's mom to refer to her as anything other than his real mom.

[Flor]

[QUOTE=mammastar2]

As step

Sometimes, in fact,"biological mother" is useful as a way to describe a family's living situation - for example, when someone assumes you are your stepchild's mother, based on your interaction with them, I think it would actually be healthier to say "oh, actually her biological mother lives in [city]" as opposed to "no, no, I'm not her mother!" or "no, I'm 'only' her stepmother, not her 'real' mother." It recognizes that there are different ways of mothering and that children can have more than 2 parents - rather than the idea that one will always be the real, unmoderated by adjectives mother, while the other will always be the not-quite, stand-in mother.

QUOTE]
This term does get used in my real life all the time. I am the one who lives with the child, takes him everywhere, talks to teachers, etc. so often I hear the teacher/doctor, etc. ask me questions about the biological mother. They use that term. I guess they could say "real mom" but that seems rude, implying that I am not real. I guess my issue with just calling her his mom is that it means that I am not his mom, though he lives with me, I am raising him, etc. I think we each get our own titles (step and bio) and we share the mom part. He seems to agree since he feels the need to make each of us presents on mothers day. Dss call us his stepmom and his regular mom. I have heard the bio mom introduce herself to teachers as the biological mom to clarify since they sometimes assume I am and she knows this.

You are probably right that there is some negative feelings invovled in the term because it is probably used when the biological mother is not soley doing the mothering, someone else is. I don't find the term offiensive. I am a stepmom and a biological mom, I don't use the word to describe myself because my bioson has no other mom so there has never been any need for clarity. But, I just noticed that I do use the term bioson when talking about my two kids so no, I don't think 'bio' has to be offensive.

[mamameg]

So I asked what the OP would suggest we use instead...

My stepkids' mom? DSS's mom? DSD's mom? DSC's mom?


I should first say, that this is what I say IRL. To teachers and school staff, I refer to myself as stepmom and his mom as his mom. Period. I call myself step because there are legal issues sometimes that I am not supposed to handle or have a say in, and I want to be upfront... and well, I'm NOT his mom! But then when I speak with my stepson, I refer to myself as "one of his parents", not his "stepmom" (most of the time anyway) because I think STEPmom is loaded! And I don't want him to think I'm pusing to try to replace his mom (who he sees regularly and they have a very good r-ship), and "parent" seems less intrusive.

So I understand all the feelings about loaded words and there are different words I use in different situations. It is only on the internet that I use biomom and even that might be out of habit, becasue I was on a stepparenting list a long time ago and biomom was the term of choice there, too. I think it streamlines communication when most people use similar terms when on the internet. And I also think we all need to know that whatever we write here, no one reading will ever understand the full picture, and they will always apply their own sensibilities to whatever loaded words we post. And to try to edit ourselves as a means to avoiding that is futile.

But this OP did get me thinking about it. And you know what I realized? There are LOTS of terms I use online that I never use IRL.
AF - I've never referrred to my period as AF IRL, but I do online, becuase I know there is a shared understanding of what that means.
BD - I never use babydance IRL, but I've used it here and I see it here a lot!
DH - Okay, now... who really refers to their husband as "dear husband" IRL??? :LOL Maybe now and again out of affection, but every time you say it? I think not?
So anyway, the net is full of weird abbreviations and I don't think anyone should make too much out of it. It's just symantics, IMO.

[wasabi]

I call myself a birthmom and I do distinguish between my two fathers so people know who I mean (biodad, stepdad). I never distinguish between my one full sibling and three half siblings. Dh has done that before and it took me a second to even figure out what he meant. But I call both my fathers dad. I never refer to them as my biodad and stepdad in a familial context I only do it for clairity when speaking to others. I do see how biomom can be a loaded word so I get what the OP is saying. Many times it does seem to have a bit of derrogatory context like sperm donor as someone else mentioned. I would be very upset if Dh and I divorced and he remarried and my kids' stepmom referred to me as their biomom but of course I can't think of a circumstance where I would not be their primary parent. I can understand it in the context where the biological mother basically has given up a place in their lives but otherwise yeah it can seem loaded. :shrug

[Shenjall]

this thread got me thinking....how would I feel if my ds smom referred to me as bio mom? I wouldnt care. Thats what I am. I'm his biomom. Now, if she was saying something like, "your biomom is such a witch" the problem really would be with the witch part and not the bio part, right? I'm very comfortable with who I am as his mom. It really doesnt matter what other people call me.

I agree with mamameg on a few things. First, I too use many abbreviations here that I dont use IRL. IRL with my skids, they are my kids. Plain and simple. I have 6 kids. Not bio or step. IRL my kids have many parents. some of my kids have a mom and dad; some of my kids have a dad and 2 moms and the other kids have 2 moms and 2 dads. Heres a common phrase you'll hear in our house, "sam, go give this to mom before you go to your moms" :LOL confusing no?

Second thing, STEPmom is by far a more "loaded" term than biomom. Many people may connect biomom with a birth mother who gave up their child for adoption (which ends up being a bit confusing) but step mother is usually connected with cinderella.

Just a question, if there were a few threads venting about stepmothers, would people still be upset? My guess is no.

Anyhoo, I use biomom and will continue to do so on this board because I use it without any ill will (as I'm sure many other people do). That and I usually dont have alot of time to type out the whole long explanation of my family life:LOL

[Shenjall]

Oh! I wanted to add that IRL I refer to both the bio and step moms in my kids life as the other moms. 'Cause thats who they are - their other moms.

:)

[djs_girl517]

Honestly, I'm offended by the term step-monster, which I've seen more than once.

[UUMom]

When I use the term birth-mom it is with the greatest respect. I like it better than using my dd's birth-mother's name. It doesn't sound as loving to use her first name when discussing her. She's not just Sue (not her real name) she is the actual mother who birthed this child.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Honestly, I'm offended by the term step-monster, which I've seen more than once.
Yes, I agree with this one. This is a horrible term, and people use this out of anger, hate, and to 'negate' what step-mothers do.

Biomother, or birthmother, is almost never (I won't say 'never', cause I would suppose som do), used out of hate, but simply to state what a person ACTUALLY is (a BIRTH or BIO mother).

Now, I don't recall looking in the mirror and seeing a monster starting back at me..lol I see a mother, birth, step, whatever... Like I said before, I'm mother, the verb.. I do the act of mothering, to a child who's biomom did the act of giving birth :)

[UptownZoo]

When I refer to SS's mom as "bio mom," I'm not using it in a derogatory sense. It's just for clarity. I wouldn't be offended in the least if my bio kids' stepmom referred to me as their bio mom. What's ironic, though, is I'm pretty sure that SS's bio mom WOULD be offended if she knew I use this term, even though I use it only online. IRL, I refer to her as "Spencer's mom." More than anything, I think that shows the difference in the two relationships. I get along great with my bio kids' step mom. SS's mom and I, though, well, to be diplomatic, we don't much care for each other. :( We're polite and business-like with each other, which is I guess the best we're ever gonna get.

[Momof9kids]

Using the "BM" or "NCBM" here in my posts is ALOT nicer than how she is referred to IRL... :LOL

[Destinye]

Using the "BM" or "NCBM" here in my posts is ALOT nicer than how she is referred to IRL... :LOL

LOL well the first time I saw BM on another forum I did NOT think it meant bio-mom...oops!

I think its fine if its used for clarification purposes though, in a forum. To my DSC I just say your mom, and they say step-mom or call me by my name mostly.

[polka hop]

*

[1gravidaOK]

I am new to this community and late on this discussion but I would like to say that I am MUCH more offended by step-mom than I am about Bio-mom. Step-mom has so many horrendous things attached to it that I refuse to use it. I raise my BONUS daughter. I take care of her every day. I take her to school, doctor's appt., etc. Her Biomom chose to lose custody of her DD b/c she chose to use drugs. She sees her Bio-mom EOW on a supervised basis only however, if we go somewhere together (such as a doctor's appt or P/T Conference) she is very certain to make it loud and clear she is the MOM and I am the STEP mom. I hate the word step and RARELY use it in real life when referring to our family, it makes my skin crawl to be called her STEPmom. I have done EVERYthing known to man for this child besides birth her and nurse her.

Anyway, in my life, I am the BonusMom. :wink

[Destinye]

Anyway, in my life, I am the BonusMom. :wink

Thats a great term!

[Mommy Piadosa]

I am new to this community and late on this discussion but I would like to say that I am MUCH more offended by step-mom than I am about Bio-mom. Step-mom has so many horrendous things attached to it that I refuse to use it. I raise my BONUS daughter. I take care of her every day. I take her to school, doctor's appt., etc. Her Biomom chose to lose custody of her DD b/c she chose to use drugs. She sees her Bio-mom EOW on a supervised basis only however, if we go somewhere together (such as a doctor's appt or P/T Conference) she is very certain to make it loud and clear she is the MOM and I am the STEP mom. I hate the word step and RARELY use it in real life when referring to our family, it makes my skin crawl to be called her STEPmom. I have done EVERYthing known to man for this child besides birth her and nurse her.

Anyway, in my life, I am the BonusMom. :wink
:thumb :thumb
i find step mom and step kids offensive like they are a step away from being real moms and kids. if i have to clarify- which came up when i was pregnant or about nursing or sometimes because of my age (12 years older then our oldest) i will clarify that i'm not their bio mom. i ussually say WE have 9 kids etc

[moondiapers]

It bothers me as well. To me a birthmom is someone that gave birth to their child. A MOTHER is someone that mothers their child. If I adopted a child and raised it, I'd be his/her MOTHER. And if I then got divorced and my child had a step-mother, I'd STILL be my child's MOTHER. I guess to me the word birthmom, or biomom, implicates that the relationship is centered mostly around the child's birth, and that someone else is doing the actual "MOTHERING" kwim?

[Shenjall]

never mind.......

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

It bothers me as well. To me a birthmom is someone that gave birth to their child. A MOTHER is someone that mothers their child. If I adopted a child and raised it, I'd be his/her MOTHER. And if I then got divorced and my child had a step-mother, I'd STILL be my child's MOTHER. I guess to me the word birthmom, or biomom, implicates that the relationship is centered mostly around the child's birth, and that someone else is doing the actual "MOTHERING" kwim?
Well, that's true in my case...lol

I AM his step-mother, but I'm the one doing the raising, not his biomom. She gave birth to him, while she was still around she partied and went out while his father raised him. When they divorced she chose drugs, and barely saw him.

I'm raising him now with his father, even though she's back in the picture. She does fun visits, I do the actual parenting.

So, is that negating me to say that since she gave birth to him she MUST be the one who raised him and is the 'mother'...?

I MOTHER him.

[scrappingmom]

what about the step-children who don't even call their biological mothers' 'mom'? Should we still be forced to call them that, just because it 'bugs' some people on an internet forum?


2 of my step children call me mom and have asked me to NOT refer or think of myself as their stepmom because i've been more of a mom to them in the last 9 month than they have had in their enire life(13 and 11 yrs old, how sad for them huh?! ) Also, and they INSIST on this one.. if their bio mom MUST be mentioned, she is called the egg donor and/or incubator. She abandoned them as babies, threw the boy(13) down the stairs, locked him in his crib for days, he was literally clawing his way thru the wall. She has 4 children she has given birth to and has no parental rights to ANY and one of them the dad is a registered sex offender and STILL a better choice than her! Their ex-stepmom, they call have an equally loving name for as their eggdonor.

yes, many times the talk of the bio mom is about negative issues.. but i dont think the reference can be construde as a negative name. just a reference and a clarification between which mom is being refered to.

[SillyGigglyGirls]

My oldest daughter (step), we refrain from
using step siblings, step mom, or step family.
To her, her mom is Mom, to her I am Mommy, and
to her (our other 2 daughters) are her sisters. I don't
use her mom as bio mom, but her "real mom." Sometimes, my oldest corrects me and says," You are MY REAL MOM..in a way." It's hard for her to "seperate" because she really doesn't want to. We told her that she had to call me Kate in the beginning. But later got seriousily angry about my two girls calling my bf (her dad) Daddy. She wanted to call me Mommy. We sat and talked to her. And then my bf told, her "real mom" that if that is what she wants then he will allow it. Since her mom's bf, is called Daddy. I get the odd, Kate..every one in a while. But most of the time, she calls me Mommy. It's great to know that she wants me that way too :heartbeat but still respecting her own mom's position in her life. Which I will never diminish or try to get in the way of. There is no competition between us as Moms. Her mom respects my place, and I respect hers. In all reality, we are both in love with our beautiful daughter.

[mamameg]

HeartofaChild, nice to hear you have such an nice arrangement. :) But I don't think your household is "run" so much different than anyone elses. We follow my stepson's lead on the terms he wants to use, much like you have followed your DD's lead on what she wants to use, and I think that seems what most around here do. My DSS prefers to call me Megan and when referring to me to someone else he calls me his stepmom, and his mom is Mom. No problems with it whatsoever. No competition, no issues. :thumb

[SillyGigglyGirls]

I edited it out, I wasn't meaing to "offend" anyone.
I apolgize.

[mamameg]

I certianly wasn't offended. No reason for you to have edited. :scratch I was just saying that even though some people use the "step" tems doesn't necessarily mean they are used out of annimosity.

[lilsishomemade]

I called my dad my biodad. I lived mostly with my stepdad, and he was a great parent, and so I hated having to explain that he wasn't my 'real' dad. Saying that they were both dads to me was what worked for me. For my dh, he called his mom 'mom' and his stepmother 'ma' which can be confusing sometimes, because he has an accent and it's hard to distinguish. My stepson calls his stepdad "Daddy James" and he calls me by my first name when speaking to me, and he calls me his mom to others. So, when they ask questions (like, why doesn't my oldest son stay with us all year?), I do say, oh, I'm his stepmom, his mother lives in so-and-so. On a forum board, sometimes it just seems like you need to be very specific, and that means saying "bio". I actually feel it's nicer than saying "real" as if the stepparent is just a fake.

[nznats]

I am my daughters mother and always will be, I would take great offence at being refered too as her biomum. My daughter is lucky she has 2 dads, I do get a bit miffed when my partner is refered too as Amalias dad though, he is Pierre. Her dad is her dad, and I am her mum... When her dad gets a partner they will be refered too by there name and if they get married then they will be such and such Amalias step mum etc Then when she is old enough she can decide what she calls everyone. There are always going to be PC terms that people are offended by, I just subconsciously leave out the bio bit or ignore terms I find offensive.
ETA: If and when there are siblings though there will be no steps or halfs when refering to them, they will just be her brothers and sisters etc

[rzberrymom]

I lost my mother when I was young, and my father has always referred to her as my bio-mom or my birth mother (to distinguish her from my stepmother, who I love). EVERYTIME he said it when I was a kid, I would get a little tearful because I really felt it degraded her. Maybe think of it from your children's perspective?

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Maybe think of it from your children's perspective?
But every child is DIFFERENT. My step-son is perfectly fine with biomom and birthmom and will use both terms HIMSELF..

It's silly, and honestly immature to try to impose your own feelings and opinions about something on another person/family.

I'm sorry if those words offend you (anybody, a collective 'you'), but they don't offend everybody, and are hardly ever (around here from what I've seen anyway), used in a derogatory fashion..

If it bothers you, you yourself (again collective 'you'), should use a different term. But please don't go imposing your own opinions on me and the terms my family are comfortable with...

[yoyo65]

:yeah: :yeah:
I could not agree with you more!

[rzberrymom]

But every child is DIFFERENT

Yes, that is exactly right. I was suggesting you look at it from their perspective, whether it offends them. Seems much more important than whether the term does or doesn't offend you.

[mamameg]

Maybe think of it from your children's perspective?

Except the children aren't reading this forum, so I don't see what difference it makes. I use terms on the internet every day that I don't use in real life. And bio mom is quite accurate, often more accurate than the more commonly used dear husband. :LOL

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Except the children aren't reading this forum, so I don't see what difference it makes. I use terms on the internet every day that I don't use in real life. And bio mom is quite accurate, often more accurate than the more commonly used dear husband. :LOL
Agreed, totally!!

These kids don't read this forum, and honestly, I'm sure there are PLENTY of things people say here they'd NEVER say IRL in a million years!!

I come HERE to vent, so the venting doesn't slip out in my real life. I NEED to vent, and this is a SAFE place for me, or it should be anyway...

[yoyo65]

this SHOULD be a safe place to vent! It has not been for me and that's why I have not been replying or starting threads has much as I started out.

I can't help it my sd's act like snotty brats and their mom is a horrible toxic human being and she caused them to be that way also.
But instead of saying something in front of them, I want to come here to get it out of my system, sp I can remain postive with them. Instead I got flamed when I expressed negative feelings about them. I guess I'm the bad person because I get sick of getting s$%t on all the time by them.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

I hate to say it (but MomBirthmomStepmom had no problem slinging insults first, so I will go ahead and say it)--as far as I'm concerned, you all have certainly earned your reputation. :shake
EEP! Sorry there.

I adore my step-son, and don't EVER not consider his feelings. I'm the MAIN parent in his life, with him MUCH more than his father is and WAYYYYY more than his BIOmom. So, umm, if you're looking for someone who isn't actually doing the parenting, maybe you should contact BIOmom.

As for slinging insults, I'm not certain I understand that, but won't say I never did, and I'm certain I have at one point or another... Sorry about that, however, don't get all pissy on me just cause you don't like me.

ALSO... do NOT go insulting other step-moms based on MY 'insults'... Again, not certyain I understand what that means, but noone deserves to get a 'reputation' based on me.... Insult ME, not these other women, or step-mothers in general, if you're problem is with ME.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Okay, I can't get over the 'reputation' thing..

Seriously, I spend my days taking care of BOTH of my children. I know things about dss that his PARENTS don't know. When he has a problem he talks to ME about it first. We're still building our relationship and still getting over some of the bumps in the road. It's slow going, but we're builing a SOLID relationship.

I don't understand ONE BIT how using the term 'biomom' means I'm earning my reputation as a bad step-mom?? Does that make sense to ANYONE else? Please someone point out HOW that makes sense???

I love my step-son.... I treat him as I treat my own BIODD (oh wait, am I being an EVIL mother by using the term BIO to describe her?!?!?)...

But apparantly using ONE TINY TERM that SOME people on an ONLINE community don't like, means I'm somehow earning this bad reputation as, I'm assuming a 'step-monster', right???

[mamameg]

Well, heaven forbid if you should try to get a group of stepmothers to consider the feelings of their stepchildren...

Whoa dude. Just becuase I don't consider an accurate term offensive doesn't mean I don't consider my stepson's feelings. And I think it's pretty rude for you to say that.

And for the record, I think it's YOUR feelings that you think are not being considered. And I'm sorry if you find the term offensive, but I don't. I can agree to disagree, but I won't be insulted and just sit and take it.

[SillyGigglyGirls]

We all have different issues that we go through.
Whether it's with "our children" or our "step children".
Raising children is equally hard, I think more so when you are dealing with step-children. As I have posted before, it's difficult because they unlearn things, two different ways of raising children, two different sets of morals, two differents ways of living. Anyone can agree with me on that one. However, I never see the direct hit against a child. I see nothing short of mere frustration, pain, tears, and heartaches wishing that somehow there was a common ground. Hate to say it, but life is full of these. Venting is a moment of angry words. You may feel that way for a moment, and then suddenly everything becomes "clear." I think this forum is a great place to come and discuss, vent, and pour out your tears of frustration. I know a while back I had problems with my middle child, and I felt very put down. But I revaluated my thinking, and saw what this person was saying. She was right. We don't try to be mean, spiteful, resentful, or bitter....we are simply giving as much love, discipline, care, respect, that we can possibly give. Yea it hurts when we "know" in our hearts they need certain things and back where they are at their "other home" they don't get it. It hurts us. Because we love them. I think that we also know that certain behaviours that a child displays it because of inner pain, and rejection that they slash out at us. Doesn't make it right, but in some aspects it does justify why. I am sorry that you feel that way, I hope this forum turns around and that you contiune to post. I want to hear from you, and how you handle things, situations, how you adore your step child, and yea that we have similar frustrations.

:throb That is why we are all here anyways, to be a support.

And I for one, want to contiune to give my support and comfort for those that need it.

Kate :bouncy

[Mommy Piadosa]

Well, heaven forbid if you should try to get a group of stepmothers to consider the feelings of their stepchildren...

So you are saying that because I use the term "bio-mom"- I do not consider the feelings of my stepchildren? Anyone else a little bugged by this? (yes I'm using the words from the title of this thread- aren't i a clever one :wink )

First off you are assuming there are negative conotations to "bio mom"- you are assuming that the term is only used in the case of an adoption, or abandonment. We use the term to refer to my children's father who passed away 3 years ago- it is a title of honor and a way to differentiate him from the man who is fathering them now. I personally an proud to be "bio mom" to 3 of my children.

[rryman]

I am a bio-mom, it doesn't bother me it's just a word. :) We should all remember there are more important things in this world to worry about like the victims of Katrina, abused kids..abused women...breast cancer.. ect.. now doesn't this topic seem little? :(

:ribpink:

[stressedstepmom]

I am a stepmother and a mother. When I'm talking to strangers or someone in passing I say "my kids" when refering to my bio-son and stepchildren. This came about by my stepchildren's "natural mother" as she refers to herself. She wants to make sure the world doesn't confuse us so she is quick to add on the "natural" part.

I've been corrected too many times to count when I introduce myself as a stepmother to one of my stepchildren with me at the time or if I refer to them as my stepchildren. I've been told, "Why do you say that? Why don't you just say my kids?" If only they knew what my husband's ex has put us through, they'd know.

The kids say that other kids ask about their "real mom" vs "second mom" or sometimes I'm called the "other mom".

My stepdaughter chooses to call me "steppy". She thinks it's a cute way of calling me rather than by my real name or stepmom.

The problem is we have to be so politically correct to avoid upsetting anyone, especially the parents who gave birth. I am a secure mother. I know my bond with my son is so strong that no person can touch it. If his stepmother wants to refer to herself as his mother, then I'm all for it, just as long has she acts like his mother and not treat him like a guest in her home. He should be treated exactly like her children are. If being allowed to call her mom like her children do, then so be it.

[Katt2005]

I actually feel it's nicer than saying "real" as if the stepparent is just a fake.
EXACTLY!!! I'm a BIO-mom, and am totally not offended by this term at all. Its just being specific. I would be more offended by the term "real" mom, more than anything.

[Sitara]

birthmother - biomom - bm

is a term that was started by the adoption industry to minimize the connection between mother and child.

it bothers me too.

heres an article on the origin of those words, its no wonder why it bothers you, i wouldn't like to be refered to it even if i'd surrendered a child.

why birthmother means breeder (http://www.originsusa.org/articles/why_birthmother_means_breeder.html)

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

birthmother - biomom - bm

is a term that was started by the adoption industry to minimize the connection between mother and child.

it bothers me too.

heres an article on the origin of those words, its no wonder why it bothers you, i wouldn't like to be refered to it even if i'd surrendered a child.

why birthmother means breeder (http://www.originsusa.org/articles/why_birthmother_means_breeder.html)
Did you post that simply to stir the pot? Seriously.

That article was terrible, rude and plain disrespectful to SOO many people....

This is an article of someone's opinion, not the origin of the term.

[stressedstepmom]

If you ask me...a name can have any meaning...depending on how the tone of voice of the person says it. Your tone could be discust, admiration, as a matter of fact, etc. Also, considering who the word is coming from could make a big difference on the word.

Take the word stepmother. When I introduce myself as my children's stepmother, I say it as if I should be priviledged (probably spelled wrong) to be their stepmother. When their mother says the word stepmother, she says it in such a hateful way that makes it a bad word right up there with the words you better not catch your children saying.

That goes with bio-mom, natural-mom, fake-mom, real-mom, etc.

[momof3sweeties]

If you ask me...a name can have any meaning...depending on how the tone of voice of the person says it. Your tone could be discust, admiration, as a matter of fact, etc. Also, considering who the word is coming from could make a big difference on the word.

Take the word stepmother. When I introduce myself as my children's stepmother, I say it as if I should be priviledged (probably spelled wrong) to be their stepmother. When their mother says the word stepmother, she says it in such a hateful way that makes it a bad word right up there with the words you better not catch your children saying.

That goes with bio-mom, natural-mom, fake-mom, real-mom, etc.

Excellent point! :thumb

I read part of this thread earlier this morning....
One thing....I don't think a step parent should ever refer to the child's mother as a bio mom. It should be so and so's mom.

If the mom is totally out of the picture and has absolutely nothing to do with the child (like most children who are adopted) then the title of bio mom would fit since someone else is being the mother. Bio mom to most people means the person who gave birth to the child and has had no part in the child's life. To refer to a child's mother who actually is in the child's life as a bio mom seems to be an insult to that mother. It would be to me, but maybe I am overly sensitive.

I personally see the term bio mom as something beautiful for it's true meaning. A woman who produced another life.... :heartbeat and in many cases gave someone who couldn't have children the joy of being a mother.

[Hells_Belle]

Did you post that simply to stir the pot? Seriously.

That article was terrible, rude and plain disrespectful to SOO many people....

This is an article of someone's opinion, not the origin of the term.

Actually, I found it to be well written combination of factual reporting (the origin of the terms) and opinion (the motivation behind the construction of the term.) You don't have to like it and you're free to disagree, but stating that it's "disrespectful" just skips over the point of the article, which is that the term "birthmother" as it relates to adoption and biological mothers is reductionist and disrespectful to those women.

To turn the coin on it's head, if the term "birthmother" was replaced in American English with the term more often used in Ireland, which is "natural mother" I suspect a lot of adoptive parents would find it offensive - "So what does that make me, an unnatural mother?"

For me, the problem is that all language is heavily weighted with subtle meanings, assumptions and prejudices. There really is no unburdened language among the roles of adoption or even step-parenting. We all need better words to describe the various roles adults play in the lives of children and families.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

disrespectful to those women.

To turn the coin on it's head, if the term "birthmother" was replaced in American English with the term more often used in Ireland, which is "natural mother" I suspect a lot of adoptive parents would find it offensive - "So what does that make me, an unnatural mother?"

First off, I am one of THOSE WOMEN. I gave a child up for adoption, and STILL enjoy the term birthmother. I am a PROUD brithmother, and happy to be a BIRTHMOTHER. (oh, and I am still in her life, so don't go giving me crap about just giving birth and no longer being around).

Secondly, IIIIIIIIII find offense to the term 'natural mother', there's nothing UNnatural about the woman who's raising my birthdaughter. She was everything I couldn't be....

Maybe you should THINK before posting some things. If you are NOT a woman who's placed a child, you have NO CLUE what you're talking about, so PLEASE stop making assumptions....

[Hells_Belle]

First off, I am one of THOSE WOMEN. I gave a child up for adoption, and STILL enjoy the term birthmother. I am a PROUD brithmother, and happy to be a BIRTHMOTHER.

And I honour you as a birthmother. I think it takes tremendous courage and strength to make that choice. I meant no disrespect.

I do think you perhaps took my use of the phrase "those women" out of context. I didn't mean it in a condecending or sneering way. I'm sorry if you read it that way, or if I'm just not understanding what you're saying.

(oh, and I am still in her life, so don't go giving me crap about just giving birth and no longer being around).

Wow, I have no idea why you'd make that assumption about me. I would never, ever say anything like that to a birthmother. I have nothing but empathy for women who make this difficult choice.

Is it possible you're misreading my distaste for the actual words "birth mother" with some sort of dislike for women who give their children up for adoption?

Secondly, IIIIIIIIII find offense to the term 'natural mother', there's nothing UNnatural about the woman who's raising my birthdaughter. She was everything I couldn't be....

OK, that's a perfectly legitimate POV. I think we're all more comfortable with the language of our own cultures; because I was supporting my DH in his reunion with his Irish birth mother, used Irish resources to research the best path, and live in Ireland, "natural mother" is the term I use. It's the term that has been selected by Adoption Ireland, the lobbying group of adult adoptees and mothers in Ireland. Therefore, I it is the term I use.

Maybe you should THINK before posting some things. If you are NOT a woman who's placed a child, you have NO CLUE what you're talking about, so PLEASE stop making assumptions....

But I wasn't making assumptions, or I don't think I was. I think, actually, that you've made rather a lot of assumptions about me. I certainly wasn't attacking you or any other woman who's child has been adopted. I really thought this was a conversation about language, not about the value of any of the parties involved in adoption.

[TinkerBelle]

I am an adoptee. I was given life by one sister and the other sister adopted and raised me. I did not know of this until I was 19 yrs old. My birth mother was always known to me as "Aunt" which really was HER decision, believe it or not.

My adoptive parents are the ones who were my PARENTS. They took care of me, nursed me when sick, provided for my needs, and were there when I needed them. Although my (now deceased) birth mother has a place in my heart and I am grateful to her for her unselfishness at making sure my needs came before her wants, my adoptive mother is the one I call "Mom". She became my mother as if she had given me life herself.

I think "bio mom" or "birth mom" is not meant in a derogatory manner, unless you intend or say it that way.

[flapjack]

I think the term "natural mother" is one even more heavily loaded than bio-mom or birth-mom. Simply because modern patriarchal society (particularly in the UK) puts so much pressure upon women to abort or raise their children themselves, it is perceived that for a woman to choose not to raise her child is unnatural and unwomanly- ignoring the fact that there are precedents in every culture and every time period. It feels like an insult, when I hear it used.

[stressedstepmom]

I think we can all agree that it's not so much the word, but how it's pronounced and what stress is put upon it in a sentence.

Take the words half-sister. I have 3 sisters that don't share a father with me. While I was growing up, if I was happy with them, I just called them my sisters. When I was mad at one I would refer to her as my "half-sister". I considered that to be a bad term. I didn't want anyone to think I was 100% blood related to this sister when I was mad. That 50% made all the difference in the world.

Now, it means nothing to me and the "half part only comes out when people question why we look nothing alike.

My son has a half brother and two half sister, a step-brother and a step-sister. I call them all his brothers and sisters. There are times when someone looks puzzled at me because they know I only gave birth to one child. That's the only time I explain the steps and halves.

Typing on here makes it very difficult for someone to get their point across unless they use the little faces to let you know exactly how they meant to say something.

It's very hard to joke around or distinct funny sarcasm with offensive sarcasm, etc.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Is it possible you're misreading my distaste for the actual words "birth mother" with some sort of dislike for women who give their children up for adoption?

Possible, however, that article, IMO, oozed with nastiness towards any woman who considered herself a 'birthmother'. It seemed one in the same to me.



OK, that's a perfectly legitimate POV. I think we're all more comfortable with the language of our own cultures; because I was supporting my DH in his reunion with his Irish birth mother, used Irish resources to research the best path, and live in Ireland, "natural mother" is the term I use. It's the term that has been selected by Adoption Ireland, the lobbying group of adult adoptees and mothers in Ireland. Therefore, I it is the term I use.

I'm sorry, I'm not in Ireland and know nothing of Irish cultures. I'm a PROUD American birthmother.



That article mentioned how 'birthmother' was used to describe a woman who was only around for babies birth, and isn't a part of baby or baby's life (whether in open adoption as a child, or reunited as an adult). So honestly, linking to that article really made me think you REALLY thought of birthmothers to be these women who just drop off their kids and never think of them again. (hence the article about birthmother meaning 'breeder'), well, if I CALL MYSELF birthmother, maybe I thought YOU mistook that as 'breeder'..

I don't mean it derogatory... It's one of the most loving words I have in my vocabulary... It's respectful, loving and considerate to me..

So, taking that into consideration, why is it BAD that I call dss's biomom that? (birthmother is longer to type than biomom, but it's one in the same)

[Hells_Belle]

So honestly, linking to that article really made me think you REALLY thought of birthmothers to be these women who just drop off their kids and never think of them again. (hence the article about birthmother meaning 'breeder'), well, if I CALL MYSELF birthmother, maybe I thought YOU mistook that as 'breeder'..

But I didn't link to that article! :) I think Sitara did. I was only explaining my reading of it after I followed the link: part etemology (the origins of the term) and part editorial (the author's own view of it.) My interpretation was that the author didn't consider birthmothers to be women who birthed children, dropped them off, and never though of them again, but that she thinks the term "birth mother" atrificially constructed them as such. IE, she objects to the term, not the women. Your reading, clearly, led you to a different conclusion.

I, personally, don't like the term. If you're happy to claim it for yourself, though, I've certainly got no beef with that.

OK, glad we cleared that up...

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

What I'm saying is that, the article didn't see birthmothers as breeders, however people who call birthmothers 'birthmothers' are insinuating they're simply 'breeders', so if I call myself birthmother, I must be a.... 'breeder'? That's how I'm feeling, and quite frankly, it's nauseating..

I do think the link was posted simply to stir the pot, and well, it's be stirred.

[djs_girl517]

Considering the person who posted the link has several anti-adoption posts, I think stirring the pot was definately the intent.

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Considering the person who posted the link has several anti-adoption posts, I think stirring the pot was definately the intent.
Thanks for that!! I didn't know about the poster or anything, but honestly just appreciate knowing that someone else thought that as the intention!

[Sitara]

Absolutly NOT!

I posted that article, because I am insulted when someone refers to my mother ( the woman who surrendered me ) as a birthmother. biomother etc. As if she was only there to birth me, and then went on with herself. As if she was only there for the birth. When infact she loves me deeply, and cried many nights to sleep due to our separation.

The article doesn't just show an opinion. The author researched the origin of the term, and there is truth in that. "birthmother" may have developed a new meaning to some who use it, but its origin is shady, and that is why I find it offensive.

The site that article is posted on, empowers mothers who have surrendered to stand up for themselves because many weren't given a choice in the beginning. Not to let agencies diminish their connection with their children in order to profit off of another adoption.

I'm sorry to have offended you. It was NOT my intention AT ALL. And i NEVER tried to STIR THE POT.

[Sitara]

Considering the person who posted the link has several anti-adoption posts, I think stirring the pot was definately the intent.


And I do not have SEVERAL anti adoption posts.....

I've only posted about adoption on this site in the last week or so in one other thread. My main reason for coming to this site has NOTHING to do with adoption at all. I don't come here to stir the pot, i've ALWAYS remained respectful when posting, and didn't think this would "tick people off."

I think you should do more homework on someone before you make a judgement such as the one above on me. :irked:

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

To be honest, I myself would feel more comfortable if you left adoption stuff to the adoption board (such as your issues with the term birthmother WHEN REFERRING TO a woman who has placed for adoption)...

This is the BLENDED FAMILIES board, and we're NOT referring to the term birthmother in the same way you are...

(although both terms apply to me, and I see nothing wrong with EITHER)

[fyoosh]

Came in on this late...

As far as the original question goes (not what it ended up becoming), I just call my SS's mom his mom. As in "your mom's coming to pick you up in 10 mins, please start gathering your stuff", or "my SS's mom is taking tae kwon do classes with him". I would not call her his bio mom or birth mom, that would just sound weird to me. Not offensive, just weird :) I dunno if it makes a difference that I have known her since before she was pregnant with him or not.

He calls me his stepmom to others, Amy (my name) to me.