Any pregnant after a loss Mamas starting to feel a bit surreal

[OceanMomma]

I'm 11 weeks tomorrow. I'm still quite nauseous all day but not as bad as I have been. Like I only threw up once yesterday. I did have a course of cranial osteopathy & have been going to acupuncture regularly & have worked out what foods aggravate the nausea so this has a lot to do with it I think

I'm going to have to book my 12 week scan soon. I'm not sure if it's that but I'm starting to feel real wierd mentally. Almost like I'm stuck in limbo somewhere. It's also almost 3 years to the day since I found out one of my babes had died in utero. Well he would have been dead 3 years ago right now - I just didn't know yet. I remember very clearly making my christmas cake in the sweltering heat with the cicadas making a real din outside feeling very at peace with the thought of my new babe coming soon. Who would be here the following xmas. Little did I know he was no longer there & that freaked me out big time. Like why didn't I know ? But then, maybe I was at peace for another reason. After all Saffron was born on Jan 19th just after that following xmas & I never felt like that soul left me. It was quite an eerie feeling. Here I was with a dead baby & I felt not alone.

I really don't want to lose this baby, part of me is very scared that coz I have managed to get this far, something will be wrong on the scan. I s'pose I've dealt with far too many getting past dangerous milestones only to have something else go wrong that I am constantly expecting something to go wrong.

I just feel so neurotic & I am finding it very hard to deal with.

[Jacque Savageau]

OM - I think your feelings are VERY normal. I can feel what you're saying. You're feeling anxious right now for so many reasons.

This is an aniversary date and that's bound to come with some emotions. Then, you have this new life within you. Mix that with some wild hormones and it's only natural that you would start feeling 'odd' about this pregnancy.

Take some time to explore your feelings and you'll be able to move through this. Remember to take control of what you can and try to gently let go of the things you can't.

I don't have any advice for you. Only a long distance hug and some understanding. Let me know if there's anything you need from me.

Much Gentleness,

Jacque

[XM]

I know what you are talking about... I had my first u/s last week and I was sure the tech was going to tell me that the baby was dead. She took FOREVER looking at my cervix first and I just wanted to yell at her, "can you just tell me if the baby's dead or not already?"

I was so delighted to see that little heart beating...

Of course you are nervous now... but you should feel better after you see your baby on the monitor wiggling around. Maybe it'll even flip you off :D I know I feel so much better now, but I was sick with worry before hand, but now I feel so much better. I even had a dream last night about Spawn... in the dream I was so excited to have the baby that I forgot try to nurse her! So I rubbed some milk on her lips and she opened wide and latched on with great enthusiasm. All my friends (MDC & IRL) have told me that they are getting boy vibes, but the baby in my dream looked like a girl (well, I did'nt see a package anyway). But it was not Xiola, because I was talking to this baby about it's sister.

Yeah, things are pretty surreal for me too.

[emmaline]

I was thinking about that 12 week scan coming up for you OM, how you can dread it and need it at the same time

you sound awhirl with so many feelings and memories and fears and and and pregnancy even without all your "extras" is a surreal business I reckon

the 3 year anniversary for your son - do you have any ideas about honouring him in some way? or not, I don't know what you need but it sounds pretty significant to me

meanwhile you feel physically better so the anxiety ramps up, I fully understand that one

((((((((((((OM))))))))))))))))

[OceanMomma]

Thankyou for all your kind words. It means so much to be able to talk to other women who understand.

I got so worried about not feeling sick enough yesterday that I ate a few lollies :gross which did the trick & stuffed me up for the whole day. I ended up trying to go around the zoo with an extremely unco-operative toddler in the boiling heat & humidity trying not to puke. Then I got stuck in traffic on the way home with all the icky fumes & even more heat.

I think my big problem is the whole 14 week thing. I never went for a 12 week scan with my baby that died. I was staunchly avoiding technology at the time & trusting my body. So I'll never know if he was OK then or if they could have said something was wrong. When I had the scan when they told me he was dead, he was about 12 week size but they said he'd been dead about 2 weeks so would have shrunk which would have made it about 14 1/2 weeks. There was nothing obvious on the scan ( in as much as they could tell ) & I never had the nuts to take him to the hospital in a bag to be dissected so we never found out. Hence my big freak out around about now I s'pose. I dithered around when I was pregnant with Saffron & didn't go for my 12 week scan till 14 1/2 weeks but then I'd had a scan at 6.5 weeks, 7.5 weeks & 9.5 weeks & we'd heard her heart beat at 12 weeks already.

I s'pose the other thing that is troubling me is we are moving soon. My dead babe is buried under a tree in the front yard. Usually I put some flowers under it every year on the anniversary & light a candle. I know he's not really there anymore in spirit. Problem is I feel we need to exhume him & take him with us. Especially since the people buying the house want to build a sleep out on the front lawn & they could accidentally dig him up. I just haven't gotten around to asking dh yet.

XM pretty cool about the dream. Maybe it will be another girl after all. You'll have big pressure on you for the name tho' as Xiola is a truly unique & beautiful name. Sounds like when I had Saffron too. We were all so shocked she got born so quick & at home like that. Plus I had a dress on as I was not expecting to give birth that day & had been to work. She was just laying there on the bed like a little buddha still attached to her umbelical cord when suddenly my house was filled with ambulance people & a really ropeable snotty mw so I never got a chance. They then carted me off to hopsital to see my mw & get stitched up so I didn't get a chance again. She probably didn't nurse for about 2 or 3 hours after birth. She's sure made up for it since ;)

[Jacque Savageau]

OM, again, your feelings are so understandable. I'm sorry for all you've gone through.

What a shock to look at Saffron on the bed, still wearing your work clothes!

How are you feeling now? I keep thinking of you so many miles away. It's bellow 0 here in Michigan and we have several inches of snow and ice - maybe we can trade a little? Sorry you're trip to the zoo was so difficult.

Thinking of you,

Jacque

[OceanMomma]

Yes it would be nice to have a bit of snow for xmas. I still can't get used to xmas in the middle of summer.

I booked my scan for next wednesday am. I'm still worried. I threw up this morning & have felt progressively less sick all day. My tongue tastes so bad but I can't brush it with my tooth brush coz it makes me gag. Yuck!

[emmaline]

even if you feel better than before you still sound plenty crook to me:)

will your dh be going to the scan with you? I hope you don't have to go alone, even with a few MDC spirits hovering about some human company would probably be a good idea

[OceanMomma]

Mike always comes with me for all my scans. Fortunately it's at 8:30am as well so I'm not going to have to anticipate it all day.

Anyways, how are you feeling Emmaline ? Any more positive yet ?

[emmaline]

that's good - dh there and early morning

yes I am feeling much more positive now - since we told the boys we can talk openly and it's exciting, even talked to my sil tonight and it was good to share with her, she's thrilled

I still have that nagging litttle voice that pops in every now and then saying "oh now you think there'll be a baby do you??", I know it's not a done deal yet

but I just feel SO pregnant - crook most of the time, tired, shaky if I don't eat for a while, and today i had to go to a meeting at ds1's secondary school - couldn't wear the cr@ppy sweat pants there so had to "come out" in maternity gear, it felt like taunting the gods, a bit anyway

i'll be thinking about you on wednesday

[OceanMomma]

I so hate those nagging little voices. I'm forever telling mine where to go :LOL It's like that donkey off Shrek sometimes! At least you can relax a bit at home with your other children now knowing.

I have some exciting news. I went to acupuncture today & my acupuncturist works out of a building full of mws. I got one of the mws to listen to the baby's heart beat with a doppler for me. Blatant misuse of technology I know, but I figure stress is worse. We heard her heart beat. She moved around a bit but we got it back again. It was the wierdest feeling when she moved around. Like all these little flutterings. So I am happier. The heart rate was around 160. With my babe that died, we supposedly heard the heart rate at 14.5 weeks but I was not 100% convinced. This one was definitely a steady & clear heart beat. Plus she moved to get away from the doppler. So at the mo' she's alive & aware.

Note I am saying she here. I am still convinced she's a girl. My acupuncturist agrees with me & I'm going to choose to believe the old wives tale / myth about the heart rates as well ;)

[Jacque Savageau]

OM - I noticed the 'she' thing lol! I'm so glad you got to hear the heartbeat. Things do sound very good with this pregnancy.

Oh, thoese horrible voices! Don't you wish you could find the off switch? Unfortunately, the only REAL cure us a crying baby at birth. The Shrek analogy is right on! Just keep in mind what you DO have control over and take control.

Emmaline, sorry you're so sick. It's such a horrible thing to feel like that 24/7. It should be passing soon and replaced by the feeling of light kicks.

All of you take care - sending snowy wishes your way!

Much gentleness,

Jacque

[emmaline]

I know I'll be feeling much better soon, just feel like I have to hit rock bottom first:(

and I dreamed about those little fluttery kicks - OM how thrilling to hear her heartbeat and feel her moving around, that's wonderful

I have dreamed baby girls twice, a few weeks back, but i was taking care of them for someone else, I have dreamed this type of dream several times, but hearing ds2 always calling the baby "she" has a way of worming into my consciousness

yesterday our local paper had an article written by a woman who'd had severe pre-eclampsia with awful consequences, damn why do I get sucked in by this stuff?? my head ached and my heart raced for hours, I felt wiped out all day :crying ds1 was so worried, ds2 threw a huge bedtime drama, I WILL avoid these heartbreaking stories from now on for self protection

now I'm gathering energy for a day long event - dh's company Christmas picnic, it will be fun, just a long day

[OceanMomma]

I doubt I could manage a day long event right now. You're very brave to even attempt it. If it's a picnic, it's probably got lots of cooking meat on the barbie :gross & food - yuck! I would be off spewing or trying not to the whole day. I think you may need to out yourself there too or they'll think you've had too much to drink :LOL.

I'm still not doing well with this whole food thing myself. I can just about cope if I do nothing but drink milk, eat apples, cornflakes & roast chicken flavour chips. One other thing I can eat is very very salty french fries & small amounts of fizzy orange drink or lemonade :eek Altho' generally sugar makes me spew, fizzy orange is OK for some reason :confused:

Do you know what the deal is with salt & sugar cravings? I've never been a big salt eater ever but I am really craving salty, savoury things this time. Usually it's just sweets, chocolate & more sugar.

[emmaline]

well the picnic was manageable because it involved a steam train trip to a lovely park - I badly needed the fresh air - and all the barbecuing was done by caterers to be ready as we arrived, minimum of smells and some good tofu- and lentil-burgers

we did come out before the event as many would wonder why we're suddenly on the wagon, so got some very warm vibes from the folks there

I was knackered last night though

your diet is certainly interesting!! I'm thinking about the sweet and salty cravings but haven't even a ghost of a theory, though Brewer talks about needing salt to deal with the huge increase in blood volume(? I think). i thought the fizzy drink thing was about sugar but found for me it's really the bubbles - plain soda water or sparkly mineral water does the trick too. And for me real molasses licorice hits the sweet and the salty spots mmmm

[OceanMomma]

woohoo!! The scan was really good. We saw one little baby wriggling around. We saw the babe's little nose bone & they measured the neck skin & told me I have a 1:586 chance of the baby having downs. We saw all the fingers & toes & even saw the umbelical cord pulsating at the same rate as the heart.

I'm feeling better mentally but still the next 2 -3 weeks is the big danger period or main worrying time for me. I was going to out myself of the June mamas thread but it keep disappearing. Then someone has always just miscarried & I feel real bad going in there & saying "Hi, I'm really neurotic about miscarrying but I'm 12 weeks so so far so good blah blah..."

Have you tried the dutch salty liquorice Emmaline ? I got some real molasses stuff & it's still mainly uneaten. It made me spew. Still on the cornies but I'm managing quite a few organic plums right now. I even managed to get some organic nectarines today :yum

[emmaline]

oh thank all the gods and goddesses! fantastic news! one little wiggler with all fingers and toes, sigh of relief :love

now the next few weeks to wait out..

normally I love Dutch licorice but it's too strong at the moment. some gorgeous stone fruit starting to show up here too, nectarines are just what I want!

[OceanMomma]

Ha you do sigh with relief. The scan lady must get some quite funny reactions from different people. I s'pose you'd have to be a bit of a social worker to have a job like that as it's far more than just looking at images on a screen & interpreting them. She was totally lovely ( the scan lady that was ). As was the baby :love She looked very much like Saffron.

Are you having a 12 week scan as well ? You're only about a week or 10 days behind me aren't you.

[emmaline]

no I'm not having a 12 week scan, as long as I can hear a heartbeat that's enough

if I got a high risk result on scan I would just fret endlessly, no point in it for me

[OceanMomma]

I wish I had your fortitude & strength. I was like that with my one I lost at 16 weeks. After that, I decided I'd rather know than not know. As by not knowing I fret excessively anyway. Mind you, I know of a few people who've been told iffy things on scans, fretted the whole rest of the pregnancy & had perfectly healthy babies.

[emmaline]

we have to go by our own sense of what's right for us on this one

I read a great book on prenatal testing by the big ultrasound guy here and two counsellors, it really clarified the issues for me - it's not so much fortitude and strength as trying to be consistent with what I know about myself and my core beliefs

I'm sort of tempted to do a US a bit later to check kidney formation as ds1 has a kidney problem and any sibs have a high chance of it too - but the baby will be having kidney US and another test after birth to check for this, as the nephrologist recommends

[kaje62]

I have a question. We have been talking about baby names.

If it is a girl, it will be Angelyn Rosemarie. You can tell me your thoughts on that too. My mom is Angela, my MIL is Lynda and we have three aunt Rose's between us. And a good friend of mine name Maria has terminal cancer. I want to call her Angel.

We need a meaningful name. There is lots of names I like. But dear son was named after his dad. DH was adopted and his birth mother named him Charles Andrew and his adopted parents named him Jerome John so we named our first son Charles Andrew. So we need a meaningful name for 2nd son.

I like Axel. But what could the nickname be? Please do not say Ax.

I think John is so boring. So would consider Johnny or Jonathan which dh likes but I don't. DH wants us to use Jerome but that is his name and I don't like kids named after their parents, just a preference for me. I am also liking Alden but don't like Al much.

I also would love a combination of any of John, Alvin, Axel or Alden. Like we did with if we have a girl's first name. And my aunt took her parents first names, Frank and Ellen and made Francelle which if I did not have Angelyn I would use Francelle or even Alma after my other aunt.

My grandfathers name was Axel Martinus Johan Sebastian Johansen. I would do Johan in a minute but would hate it if people pronunced it Yohan. My whole life I could not stand it when people called me Kathy Yohansen as it is Johansen. I also love Hans but do not like Hans and Charlie together.

What do you think of this???

We miscarried before Charlie and named the baby Tomi Jo after my uncle Thomas Joseph. We did Tomi cuz we did not know if it was a girl or a boy. Anyway would it be wierd if we had a boy to name him Thomas Joseph or is that too redundant etc? I really would like to hear your opinion on this.

And we are not finding out the sex of the babe until birth that is. Tee hee.

I have a poll we did if you want to vote.

http://216.92.20.151/discussions/showthread.php?s=&threadid=43395

But this Thomas John idea hit me today. And dh loves the idea.




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