My Son the Wuss

[TreeLove]

Strong title, I know. But that's what his Grandpa called him, and in a weird way, I'm afraid his partially right.

I'm raising him in an open and understand way, but what will happen when he gets to public school or out with other "worldly" children....My mother (who is a public school teacher) says that I am setting him up for a world of hurt; that I'm making him strange and that he will be an easy target with his long hair, vegetarian diet, and expressive nature.

He is a very sensitive boy. He cries easily. His favorite color is purple and he loves to play house with his stuffed animals. How can I protect him from those who subscribe to social norms?

[peggy]

Hi Treelove,
All three of my boys were what my Dad would consider "wusses". I did not homeschool them, so they were "out there in the world". They did just fine. They tended to gravitate toward kids who shared their interests. They made their own group of friends and by high school called the "in crowd" too "normal" for their tastes, and were proud of the fact that they were different.
Your boys will do fine

peggy

[Mamaste]

DS has virtually identical qualities as you described, short of having long hair anymore. He is currently hooked on all things medieval and fantastical and goes racing about outside hacking imaginary dragons to bits with his plastic sword and shield. Then he comes inside and sets up his stuffed animals to play. So is he a wuss? Is he a hellion? I dunno, but he gets along fine with his friends and at school.

[TreeLove]

Thanks. I know it's the whole world that is screwed up, not us! He's just such a sensitive child. I'd hate to unintentionally set him up to be hurt.

[Mamaste]

I do DS the kindness of helping him watch out for things that might come back around to bite him unexpectedly, like wearing hot pink socks to school. I've warned him that his purple Winnie the Pooh backpack might be construed as uncool, but he overruled getting another because he's happy with this one -- but he understands that someone might rag him about it. His friend scoffed at him one day for talking to and touching our little live Christmas tree, but he popped right back with his assertion that plants do benefit from our talking to them and positive energies -- didn't he know that?

I think being different is a wonderful thing, as long as you give your son the tools to deal with questions and hassles that might crop up from people who are soaked in mainstream culture.

[TripkeHughes]

IMHO, I think we need more sensative men and women in the world today. Hopefully he can influence his friends when he gets into school. He has a big job ahead of him, but even if he only reaches one he will have accomplished huge things (grin). Keep up the good work.

What does your dad know anyway. If my dad said that, I would have to tell him that I am glad he won't be as "John Wayne" as he has always been to me. Okay, maybe I wouldn't say it but I would feel it.

[peacemama]

To counteract any trouble he may encounter with the mini-macho-men at school, you may want to make sure he has other circles of friends where the boys are more enlightened like him! I think it's a real problem when a child's only peers are the ones they have in school. Kids in school operate under a sort of pack mentality, and being different can often mean being left out or picked on. I'm not saying this will happen to your son, because it depends on many factors, like his own social skills and ability to stand up for himself. With a loving, attached family, he will probably be very secure about just being himself!

Is your community diverse or relatively homogenous? That makes a difference, too. When I was teaching elementary school, the population of children was very diverse ethnically and the children tended to be much more accepting than what one usually would expect. Sure, they divided into groups based on common interests (isn't that what we're doing here? ;)), but no children were isolated.

[pina la nina]

I think kids may turn out "different" no matter how you raise them anyway. I think social skills are not all learned, there's some subtle intuition type stuff to it. My bro was really different at school and extremely senstive about it. I think much of that was just his nature, and he was (and is) a pacifist to the bone. It wasn't too bad until high school. Kids were awful to him and he really had no way to stand up for himself, no inner fight to him, I guess. It was really bad, I'm really sorry to say. I would be concerned that your son have some resources for the conflicts that are sure to come - whether they be humor or an incredible self esteem or some karate classes (I think they are good not for self defense per se but because the philosophy really teaches you to be strong in your self.) I also think its a lot easier in a school system that is big enough to encorporate differences and kids can find a niche, or else a private school where he won't stand out so badly from the crowd. I also would be royally pissed at any adult calling him a wuss - you (and he) do not need that! Maybe Grandpa can think of some constructive ways to impart strength to his grandson - calling him names, I think, would be bound to make him feel bad inside for being who he is - when he needs to feel proud and strong for being a wonderful kid.

[Sierra]

I agree with pina la nina that this is not necessarily something created by how you parent.

My SO and I are both from large families. The family I grew up in was AP, and the family SO grew up in would be considered very mainstream (aside from a TCS effort with their seventh and last child, my SO). Anyway, each and every one of our siblings turned out differently. There are "wusses" in each of our families, and there are "aggressors" in each of our families. Some of us dealt okay when we finally went to school, and some of us struggled with the abnormal socilization environment we call school (the difference between our families is that my mom homeschooled for the first years of school if she didn't feel like we were ready to be in such a crazy environment, whereas SO's mom packed the lunch boxes and sent them off).

So, I would say your first action is to let go of any guilt or grief you might feel because you think your son will suffer due to how you are raising him. It has nothing to do with that.

The biggest difference your parenting style is probably going to make is whether your child feels okay about himself as he is, or whether he feels like sh*t for not being a "man" (which would likely later cause him to overcompensate).

Other than that, I don't have a whole lot to say. The suggestions people are coming up with here are great. Just educate yourself about the feelings you are experiencing, and then trust your heart and what it tells you about what your son needs.

Sierra