The injustice of it all.....

[Snowy Owl]

So, my dh of six years moved out a week ago, though he's had one foot out the door, as they, say for a long time. What finally ended it was my active attempts to dialogue with him about his abusive behavior. These conversations were extremely volatile and always got turned around into how everything was my fault, name-calling, indignation, shouting etc.
But I didn't want to end the marriage. I just wanted him to stop using abusive tactics. I bent over backwards for a loooong time to make things work. I made nice dinners, cleaned, took care of the kids all the time because he was always busy with his little projects. I listened to him sympathetically as he went on about his bad day or his problems, though he always seeemed to drift off when I talked about mine. When we fought, I was the one that reached out and reconciled and compromised, trying to make it work.
But when it got right down to it, he prefered to cling to the self-righteous notion that I was just using him for his 'money' (though we are always broke). Even though I gave so much, he saw himself as this great benefactor because he supported us, and was therefore entitled to behave any way he wants.
So now I'm very angry with him and myself, for wasting time and energy trying to hold us together when he obviously never gave a damn and now seems very happy to have *all* his time to himself and his social life while I struggle with the kids.
And when I saw that thread about someone's marriage problems in TAO, and all these people giving this advice that she should do more for him, and cater to him, and give selflessly without expecting anything in return, it made me upset. Why are women expected to do all the emotional dirty work, and compromise themselves, and SERVE men all the time? No wonder men get away with abuse. Power corrupts.
Well, I was nineteen when I met him.I believed 'love' would carry us through anything. I guess it really *is* stupid to marry young. When I get into another relationship, eventually, I will not take that sh!t anymore.

But right now it sure is hard....the grieving. It's going to be a tough year.

[Ruthla]

:Hug

Confronting an abuser about his/her behavior is rarely effective- one of the hallmarks of an abuser is denying responsibility.

Good for you for getting out- I know how hard it is. It's OK to grieve for the marriage you thought/hoped you had. I know that, for me, the first year out was an emotional roller coaster. Over time, things do get easier.

[L.J.]

Good for you for finally finding the courage to step up for yourself and take care of your needs. That takes a lot of strength and I applaud you for it!.

Our society does have some pretty strange and harmful ideas about marriage and relationships. I think you will find here, in single parenting, there is not likely anyone who would tell you that you should put up with abuse, crap or anything less than a healthy, mutually respectful and equal partnership.

I am sorry that your marriage ended....in the sense that it is difficult and hard for everyone. However, I am proud of women who finally get that they are important and that our needs as a woman are as important as the needs of anyone else.....and we deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and loved deeply.

I hope you find support here & elsewhere.

[CaliMommie]

I could have written your post mama, except he hasn't left b/c it is "his house". I try to talk to him & it is always all my fault. One day maybe I will get brave & leave. You will be in my prayers. :hug

[pranamama]

I read that thread too and was really annoyed at the advice. I gave and gave and gave and kept getting less and less back until finally it was evident to everyone around me I'd be better off without him... Hope you can get some good advice here! I hope your grieving year is not too bad for you.

Calimom, not only is it his "house" He brainwashed the kids into thinking it was his house his money his everything. Good luck with your journey :)

[annarbor931]

Sounds like my XH too. My DS and I left a year ago because of his abuse and the fact that he decided he no longer wanted to be married. He has rather severe mental health problems that became evident over time. It was "his" house and I could only stay if I paid half the bills BUT he was going to live like a single man and I couldn't do anything about it. To this day, he insists that I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted. Mind you, I had a 5 month old and I had just been laid off when I left. Well, it has been a year and we are now divorced. I did have to move in with my parents, but things have worked out very well. I AM HAPPY!!!! Things do get better. I never thought I would be so ok with this situation but I am really happy. Good luck, mama!!!

[nora--not a llama]

:hug 's momma! We all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. I believe that you did the right thing in deciding that you did not want to be treated with disrespect any longer.
Good thoughts to you and your little ones on your journey. Yes, it is hard and sometimes sad...but it will take you to a place where you can find some peace and lasting happiness!
Blessings.