I hate to say this..... [Archive] - MotheringDotCommunity Forums

Destinye

08-21-2005, 12:24 AM

I think it is a challenging relationship. I started the great step-kids thread and I DO have great step-kids our major issue has been their mother and I think a lot of times the relationship with DSC becomes very twisted and entertwined with this unfortunately. My parents divorced when I was 18 and my father married the woman he ran off with it was so out of the blue and I did not see him for a long time, though now we are in touch and I met his wife, who really is very nice and I think she is his soulmate, and more compatible than my mother was - but my mother loved him dearly, even though she is now with a great man. It was so devestating to our family especially my sister that when I decided to marry a man with 4 kids who were then aged 10 to 18 I could really relate to their feelings in this area, and I think that helped me more than anything. I am sure everyones situation is different, but I know when they have been acting out its because of emotions that need to be dealt with and thats what we have always tried to look at. They don't live with us though but are here a lot, but that has both good and bad aspects too.

I do think its very complicated, and also depends on the age of the children, how well you can bond with them too. I have worked hard to have a good relationship with all 4 of them, and like any relationship it takes work, and hate to be negative about the BM but she has a lot of issues (I posted in another thread because we really don't know what to do about DSS 12) and has really worked hard to undermine mine and DH's relationship with them. I think its a credit to DH and them they have really not allowed that to happen and we and them try to stay as neutral as possible and that has helped.

Anyhow I am rambling, and my point is that a lot of children in blended families have such mixed up emotions of sadness, grief, anger, confusion, and major guilt it also the emotions often are projected onto someone else and causes really difficult issues for the whole family, and while I am lucky (with my DH especially and how he has handled it) in many families and I am sure some children it just becomes overwhelming.

I do think when you marry someone with children you should accept them as part of the family though, and it does bring more than its fair share of challenges. I think everyone here is trying to do the best they can but sometimes its really hard, and this is a good place to vent.

mamameg

08-21-2005, 11:03 AM

I think it's sort of unfair to say, 'you knew there would be stepkids, why are you with your partner if you didn't want that?' Becuase when it comes down to it, we all hope for the best in our lives, but that's not always how things work out. No one really knows what to expect from a blended family. There are so many factors at play and so many unknowns of the future, it's really difficult to fully understand the dynamic until you are in full swing. And not everyone makes a natural, seamless transition to loving someone else's children as their own, and that is okay. Children often push boundaries to test their parents love, especially in a blended family situation, and that pushing can be very challenging. Real love takes time to develop and those difficult times can often be the ties that bind. As things get better, it can be bonding to say, "hey remember when we all fought all the time... SO glad those days are behind us... I love you."

I think people come here for support when they are having trouble, so I try to stay away from questions and comments that would make anyone feel like they should just have to suck it up becuase that's the life they chose.

OtherMother'n'Madre

08-21-2005, 11:44 AM

I know people come here for support (I would probably have more posts in here myself but BM is a member here as well) but what I am saying is there seems to be an underlying tone that have anger and hostility. I know it can be tough and that kids push limits constantly but a lot of times I come away from reading a post and think, "Gee, do they like that kid at all?" I know it's a vent and that's why they came here to post...to get it off their chest and not cause any more issues with their loved ones than there already is. But it seems to be an underlying issue even in the happy times. I guess what I was trying to say or point out was that there are so many issues within a family and even more so in a blended family but there is this sense of favoritism that boggles me. Seems bio children are mentioned when they are being picked on, treated poorly, sick, hurt and confused, or absolutely excelling at something while SK are mentioned when they are annoying or have made a mistake (barring custody and bio parent issues where they would be hurt and confused). KWIM?

meowee

08-21-2005, 12:36 PM

I also hate to say this, but I am unpleasantly surprised by the way the step children's moms and/or the ex husband's new girlfriend/ wife are referred to here. It seems to go against MDC policy and is derogatory and divisive. There are many other forum sites that allow hateful speech.

:shrug

I'm really surprised some of the stuff is permitted by the mods. I mean, the SAHM forum is moderated (threads have to be approved before posting) to make sure there is nothing offensive being said. Why not here?

OtherMother'n'Madre

08-21-2005, 12:40 PM

In this thread or the forum itself?
If in this thread I didn't think anyone had been mean regarding those particular people.

magnoliablue

08-22-2005, 07:58 AM

I'm not saying nobody likes their stepchildren but it seems that all they have to say is bad. :( I have a 4.5 year old stepson and he's a handful for sure! I now it's not often people get on here (or any forum on MOthering for that matter) to just post about a good day or anything...we come here to get things off our chest but there serisouly seems to be an underlying level of animosity/hostility etc.
This is something that has bothered me about this forum from the first time I posted here.
I answered on a couple of these threads with basically your OP, and was basically told I was wrong for saying it.
It is the reality, though. When my fiance met me, and likewise when I met him, we knew we each had children. When he moved in with me, he understood the ramifications of that. When his son came to live with us for the summer, I understood that it would mean adapting to the changes a new member of the family brings..but in the sense that he is a new child, no different than bringing home a new baby. Babies have different needs and personalties. Siblings can be completely different from one another, and this is the same when an older child becomes part of a family. Yet because they have their own personalities and individuality, that may be different from what you as a mother are used to, change becomes difficult. Are we less apt to adapt ourselves to the changes blended families face? What makes it any different from having another baby?
I know it sounds cruel, to say "Well you knew when you got involved, so if you can't handle it, rethink your relationship" but frankly, that is the way it is. You do have to climb more mountains in a blended family. Often times you are dealing with very sad children. These kids are having to start a whole new life again, just like you as an adult..when all they really want is their parents to love each other. Often times they blame themselves. Often times they will blame you. Often times they are so hate and anger-filled, they blame the world.
It is then when you should let your instincts as a mother come into play, because even if they aren't a newborn child, they need to be nurtured and loved and accepted into your family as if they are..and maybe, just like the mom who thinks her baby that cries endlessly, hates her..you'll have moments when you and this new child in your life don't click. You just have to try harder. Would you stop parenting your baby because it was hard? You therefore should not give up on a stepchild.
I realize some situations are more difficult than others, and maybe in theory you think you can handle it, but then the reality finds you resentful and unhappy. Then that is when the words I say over and over come into play. You can love your partner, but maybe a relationship together is not possible for the two of you. In the end, children should always come first.

Destinye

08-22-2005, 10:03 AM

I know it sounds cruel, to say "Well you knew when you got involved, so if you can't handle it, rethink your relationship" but frankly, that is the way it is. You do have to climb more mountains in a blended family. Often times you are dealing with very sad children. These kids are having to start a whole new life again, just like you as an adult..when all they really want is their parents to love each other.

I think thats very true, and blended families do take more love and understanding for this very reason, and can be very challenging as a result. I hope that where there is a lot of resentment maybe putting yourself in the childs position might help a little. I actually take more from my DSD 12 than I would from my own child because he is rather sad and confused (and very angry) but I am no saint and it does get frustrating at times, but try to not let it affect how I feel about him.

To be fair it does sound like some people here have had overwhelmingly challenging situations to deal with, and have tried hard then given up, or become resentful as a result.

As for negativity towards the other parent, thats very challenging especially if they are hurting the children in some way. Personally I have posted a little about DH's EX but try to stick to the point and from the perspective of how it affects the DSC (a lot...) however in many posts on MDC I see much more disparaging comments about people (often who shop in Walmart) and what terrible parents they are and they don't even KNOW these people!

mamameg

08-22-2005, 11:14 AM

It's not that I disagree with the senitment of this thread, it's just that I dislike the disposal marriage tone of it. Marrige too hard? Split up. Stepkids too challenging? Split up. :(

While I have not personally seen a lot of the really negative stuff you are referring to (maybe I just don't read this board often enough?), I agree that it's troubling to hear people talk so disparagingly about any child. But when I do read anything with that tone, my gut reaction is to think, "how can this situation be made better?" NOT "Why don't you just leave?" I am of the opinion that it is plain WRONG to tell someone over the internet that they should leave their spouse. No one knows the full situation and to give such advice based on an emotional, venting post is irresponsible.

How about a thread discussing how we can get over these feelings of resentment? How about talking about how we can make things better for all of our families? Maybe then these children can reap the benefits of a stable, committed, lasting parental relationship, rather than go through yet ANOTHER divorce.

MomBirthmomStepmom

08-22-2005, 11:59 AM

I know I don't always talk the best about my situation, but I also know it's MY problem. I come here to work through MY issues, and like someone said, I have NOWHERE else to talk about this AT ALL. So yeah, I might talk a little 'comfortably' here, and it might come out wrong, but I am only trying to vent and work through things myself.

I ADORE my step-son. I would starve to feed him, throw myself in front of a truck to save him, just as I would my dd. I love him, but in all honesty, the most challenging thing in my life, is trying to figure out how he and I fit into each other lives.

I'm 23, and he's 9. There's only a 14 year age difference between us. DD knows I'm her mom, knows I'm the parent. Step-son thinks I'm some girl who lives here, that he doesn't have to listen to etc. (and no, on a whole he doesn't, but if I were merely the babysitter, he would...)

It's a challenge for me. I can't show him affection. I can't hug him, I can't say I love him, or have missed him when he's gone. He's 9, and right now, barely even shows that affection to his father. He's denied it from me, so I will not push it.

I know I've made this about me...lol I didn't really intend to, but at the same time, I want my frustrations to be understood for what they are. Frustrations that I don't get how to do this yet... That I'm scared of making the wrong move constantly, and sometimes, yes, frustrations that I'm 23 years old and raising a child who's enterting puberty, and getting pretty stubborn here... I don't know how to handle it yet, and this is the only place I can talk about.

So, I'm sorry if I seem negative... I'm just scared, and frustrated..

I don't want to leave my relationship. That's silly! Why would anyone say that? I'm happy in my relationship, and happy with my step-son... I'm just not very happy with ME, okay? But, again, that's why I'm trying to talk things out and work on MY problems...

Destinye

08-22-2005, 12:28 PM

So, I'm sorry if I seem negative... I'm just scared, and frustrated..I don't want to leave my relationship. That's silly! Why would anyone say that? I'm happy in my relationship, and happy with my step-son... I'm just not very happy with ME, okay? But, again, that's why I'm trying to talk things out and work on MY problems...

I don't think you sound negative! You know what we are all here trying to work things out for our blended families, and the reason there is a separate forum is it IS a unique situation.

I can see both sides of this debate, definitely think we should all try and make things work rather than split up, but also maybe a thread on how to deal with negative feelings is a good idea too, to try and find a positive slant to this.

I don't think the OP was trying to be hurtful to those who are genuinely trying to work out things for their blended families, or venting but concerned about the negativity some people seem to have for their DSC which IS very sad.

MomBirthmomStepmom

08-22-2005, 12:31 PM

I can see both sides of this debate, definitely think we should all try and make things work rather than split up, but also maybe a thread on how to deal with negative feelings is a good idea too, to try and find a positive slant to this.

lol My dd is 4, I didn't think I'd have to deal with puberty for quite sometime...lol

SO is also in denial about dss entering puberty... Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one doing actual 'parenting' of dss :( Kinda hard! I want SO's support as a parent, to BOTH children, kwim?

Maybe some of these negative posts are just worded wrong... It's 'easy' to think it's the child... But most times, I've found, it's the partner that needs the work, not the children..

I adore dss, honestly, with all my heart... But, like everyone else, including my dd, he does get on my nerves sometimes... I'm not perfect...

Destinye

08-22-2005, 12:39 PM

lol My dd is 4, I didn't think I'd have to deal with puberty for quite sometime...lol

Well having lived with a toddler and 2 adoloscents all summer I have come to the conclusion they are remarkably similar!

Eat all the time, grow very fast!
Want things NOW.
If not have a tantrum or pout!
Create chaos wherever they go!
Find it hard to deal with their emotions!
Act first, think later!

MomBirthmomStepmom

08-22-2005, 12:41 PM

Well having lived with a toddler and 2 adoloscents all summer I have come to the conclusion they are remarkably similar!

Eat all the time, grow very fast!
Want things NOW.
If not have a tantrum or pout!
Create chaos wherever they go!
Find it hard to deal with their emotions!
Act first, think later!
OMG yes! lol I never thought of it that way... THeir behavior is really similar...lol

lilsishomemade

08-22-2005, 12:52 PM

For me, the whole relationship between myself and my stepson completely changed after dh & I got married. I'm not kidding! I met him right before he turned 3, and he was the absolutely cutest kid you'd ever met, he always smiled and laughed, is very bright, and very easy to get along with. When dh and I married shortly after, he became very defiant towards me, playing me against his mother and father. Okay, maybe became defiant first, and as he got older (and wiser) became manipulative. I do have problems with his mother because she *does* tell him I'm not his real mother and don't have any say over him. She's told me this before.

Another difficult thing was that the second dh and i became husband and wife, I was expected to instantly love dss as if he were my own. Now, I didn't know him *real* well, and though I felt affection for him, it just wasn't instant love like that. DH didn't understand, and I was having issues with dss, and I really didn't have anyone to talk to...I became very frustrated and pretty bitter. I wish I'd had support from other moms who were in my situation, and could tell me that what I was feeling was normal, and some positive ways to cope with it all.

I do love him to pieces, though. He's 7 now, and we've both grown up a bit. This past year, he was doing so poorly in school, and I was the one who was calling his teacher (they lived two states away), and calling dss every day after school and asking him about his classes, what homework he had, etc. This summer when he was here, I had him on like a mini-homeschooling curriculum, just to keep him going. I was the only one doing this for him.

OtherMother'n'Madre

08-22-2005, 01:29 PM

While I have not personally seen a lot of the really negative stuff you are referring to (maybe I just don't read this board often enough?), I agree that it's troubling to hear people talk so disparagingly about any child. But when I do read anything with that tone, my gut reaction is to think, "how can this situation be made better?" NOT "Why don't you just leave?" I am of the opinion that it is plain WRONG to tell someone over the internet that they should leave their spouse. No one knows the full situation and to give such advice based on an emotional, venting post is irresponsible.

I never meant to imply that you should split up....my question was if you knew it was going to such a PITA why did you continue on....in no way am I saying if you can't hack once the deal is made (so to speak) get out...what I was trying to say was why continue in a relationship where your emotions as well as those of others continue to get invested if one of the main ones ie resentment or hostility or animosity etc.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and I know that when they dated new people and what not I was trying to say the least (I threatened to shave my stepmoms eyebrows off in her sleep......why? She beat me in Monopoly! :LOL ). I wasn't trying to be hurtful to anyone or anything but like a PP said, it's discouraging to come here and read so many tales of woe. For as often as we post happy things about our bio children we post not so happy things about our stepchildren. It's disheartening....especially when many mamas here have said on more than one occasion how they wish they could give a baby of someone else the life they deserve (like nursing when the mom refuses etc.). It just seems like our stepchildren are getting the short end of the stick in regards to our love and respect, KWIM?

MomBirthmomStepmom

08-22-2005, 01:38 PM

My parents divorced when I was 7 and I know that when they dated new people and what not I was trying to say the least (I threatened to shave my stepmoms eyebrows off in her sleep......why? She beat me in Monopoly! :LOL ).
I'm wondering if your feelings on this are from being a step-child yourself... I was never a step-child, but I was raised by other people (family members), and know that feeling of being a burden on the people who SAY 'oh, she might as well be our own!'...

Anyway, this thing that I quoted about what you said about your step-mom... Now, if some woman came here, and posted that her step-child said that, and it hurt her feelings, and she couldn't understand why her step-daughter didn't like her... what would you think? That would be 'negative', right?

But COME ON!!! We're only human!! Our feelings get hurt too! And honestly, I doubt ANY of this 'negativity' you see is in any way being shown to the children, or even the partners!!

Like I said, I have NOWHERE to talk about this. I don't talk to SO about it anymore, at all. I have NOONE. So, what you see here from me, is for HERE only, so that I DON'T react negatively in my home..

This is where I come to vent... This is where I come to talk.. It helps me to be a better parent/step-parent if I can vent my hurt and anger here...

Does that make sense? I talk about it HERE so I don't do it in my home...

OtherMother'n'Madre

08-22-2005, 01:46 PM

I'm wondering if your feelings on this are from being a step-child yourself... I was never a step-child, but I was raised by other people (family members), and know that feeling of being a burden on the people who SAY 'oh, she might as well be our own!'...

Anyway, this thing that I quoted about what you said about your step-mom... Now, if some woman came here, and posted that her step-child said that, and it hurt her feelings, and she couldn't understand why her step-daughter didn't like her... what would you think? That would be 'negative', right?

But COME ON!!! We're only human!! Our feelings get hurt too! And honestly, I doubt ANY of this 'negativity' you see is in any way being shown to the children, or even the partners!!

Like I said, I have NOWHERE to talk about this. I don't talk to SO about it anymore, at all. I have NOONE. So, what you see here from me, is for HERE only, so that I DON'T react negatively in my home..

This is where I come to vent... This is where I come to talk.. It helps me to be a better parent/step-parent if I can vent my hurt and anger here...

Does that make sense? I talk about it HERE so I don't do it in my home...

No I wouldn't think that was negative. I would understand that one because like you said I am a stepchild myself. The "negative" posts I'm talking about are the ones where parents are trying to get rid of the kids (bad phrasing but stuff like camp or other activities) so they doin't have to deal with their situations all day.

MomBirthmomStepmom

08-22-2005, 01:57 PM

No I wouldn't think that was negative. I would understand that one because like you said I am a stepchild myself. The "negative" posts I'm talking about are the ones where parents are trying to get rid of the kids (bad phrasing but stuff like camp or other activities) so they doin't have to deal with their situations all day.
I've posted that. I'll be hoenst, I have.

I've also been honest that I'm not fully prepared to be dss's full-time mom, and if I recall my MAIN problem was that SO said he understood and agreed, and then did nothing to actually help!

I'm sorry, but if I'm stressed out, how is that helping dss? I'm a parent, just like any other parent, the only difference is, dss and I still have a new relationship, and neither of us were prepared for a full-time parent/child situation, and I was very angry with SO for pushing that on BOTH of us. (I've been with SO almost 3 years now, however, dss and I have only had a relationship since last year... This was our fault (SO and I), but we lived long distance, so there wasn't much of a way around it)

To be hoenst, dss did spend the WHOLE summer with me, with the exception of one week with grandma, and 1, 3 day weekend with biomom. The first week I had problems, but we survived, and it seems dss and I are growing in our relationship together. (when I let my guard down, and let go of MY problems... Posting here, I got to see that these were MY problems and not dss's... He was an easy target to blame, and I regret that deeply, but posting here, taught me I was wrong...)

I agree, how I felt was negative. But I also know I was scared, and felt very hurt and angry at SO... But, like I said, posting HERE, helped me ALOT...

magnoliablue

08-22-2005, 07:00 PM

I have said the words 'Then you need to take a very close look at your relationship and make sure you are going to be able to overcome your feelings" But never have I advocated to anyone on this board to end their marriage or relationship. And most of the situations I referred to were ones that were not marriage yet. You hope that by the time you make a commitment to enter into a second marriage, you have worked through all of your difficulties for the most part.
I do believe that there will always be some difficult times. I know my stepsons are wonderful, but I can't say there aren't things my fiance has done as a parent that I disagree with, and he can absolutely say the same for me. But we compromise, everyday, and always talk things through. It never has the chance to build into a resentment phase. If it did, if I walked around every day feeling unhappy and frustrated, you bet I would talk to my fiance about my feelings, because we would have to either find a solution, or end our relationship..better now, than to enter into another marriage.

OtherMother'n'Madre

08-22-2005, 07:02 PM

wendy1221

08-25-2005, 06:25 PM

I browse this board now and then, but I never post on it b/c I dn't feel like I belong on it AT ALL. It does seem to be mostly for stepmoms to vent about their stepkids, which is fine and understandable. But I wish there was a forum for moms (or dads) whose dp is the step-parent. I would like to vent and discuss their relationship sometimes. I get very frustrated w/ my dh sometimes b/c of how he handles my ds. And I'm not completely sure if it's a stepparent issue or if he would be like this if ds were his biologically. He just seem to expect ds to behave a lot older than he is and be more responsible than he is capable of being.

This forum does seem to be mainly moms venting about their step-kids, which I'm sure they need to do. But I kinda feel like maybe there should be separate forums for the different kinds of step-families. KWIM? Cuz I REALLY don't want to read people venting about their stepkids b/c then it makes me wonder if this is how dh feels about ds all the time and if he just hates him (which I KNOW he loves him to death, but we have tough periods.) I think moms with kids who have a step-parent should have a separate place to go.

lisamarie

08-25-2005, 09:45 PM

I am an adoptee and also currently in a blended family. My 1st dh past away when my ds was 3 yo and am now remarried and we have a dd together. A few years ago, my dh adopted my ds and they are very close. But.........it took alot of time, energy, love and patience. It doesn't feel like we are a stepfamily/blended family, we are just a family with many issues that other parents/families face.

So many of us come here with different stories, backgrounds and life experiences. This is a fairly new forum here at MDC and even though it seems like there are many stepmoms here, I'm sure we have just as many birthmom's in blended families.

Warmly~

Lisa:lady

Destinye

08-25-2005, 11:25 PM

So many of us come here with different stories, backgrounds and life experiences. This is a fairly new forum here at MDC and even though it seems like there are many stepmoms here, I'm sure we have just as many birthmom's in blended families.

I think its good to see the point of view of both birthmoms and stepmoms and to maybe look at it from the other person's perspective a little too. Its especially inspiring to see the families that manage to work things out to be the best parents they can be even when the family has been split by divorce, and other situations.

hazeldust

09-14-2005, 10:24 PM

madre i think your post says it all. it seems to me that people come here not only for support but for advise as well. its not right to get upset just because you dont like the advise someone gives you. its just advise you can take it or leave it right? no harm done.
i dont understand why people put themselves in these complicated situations and then get upset when they are ,"surprise" ,complicated. can anyone disagree that blended families are by nature complicated? so i dont buy the whole you cant forsee how your life will turn out mindset. if you put on a blindfold and go running through the streets you may or may not get hit ,right? you dont know. what you do know is that there is a good chance you will if the street is even mildly busy. blended families are the same way. and who gets hurt the most? the kids. it makes me mad.

polka hop

09-15-2005, 09:10 AM

mamameg

09-15-2005, 10:00 AM

i dont understand why people put themselves in these complicated situations and then get upset when they are ,"surprise" ,complicated.

Because they are living, breathing, flawed creatures... you know, human ? I'm glad you've got it all figured out, hazeldust. And if and when you don't, and you go looking for support, I hope you get it, even if no one understands why you put yourself in that situation. Everyone deserves that, at least, IMO.

MellowMama

09-15-2005, 05:17 PM

i dont understand why people put themselves in these complicated situations and then get upset when they are ,"surprise" ,complicated.

It's statements like this that have kept me from posting on this board. I would love to talk to other stepmoms and participate in discussions, but I'm afraid that if I talk about the difficulties that I sometimes have with step-parenting, that I will get this kind of response.

DH and I have been together for 6 years, since DSS was 1. It was easy back then...he was a sweet baby that I rocked to sleep, fed, played with, and stayed up all night with when he was sick. His mom worked nights and DH worked days, so we had him every night. Now he's 7 1/2, and things are MUCH more complicated. We have joint custody, but because we live in a different town than his mother, he stays with her during the week and goes to school and then comes to our house on the weekends. His mother and stepfather are raising him and his little sister in almost the complete opposite way that we raise him and our DD at our house. They spank, CIO, teach him to fight, etc. Sometimes I get really frustrated...with DSS, with his other family, and with myself.

It would be nice to have a "safe" place to come and talk about these things without being judged and blamed for "getting myself into this situation" when I married DH. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening here. :(

SunRayeMomi

09-15-2005, 06:13 PM

My dear partner is an amazing parenting partner and will soon make a wonderful "step-parent". He trusts me as a parent and follows my cues with dd when he does not know what to do. He often has amazing insights into behavioral problems and great ideas to deal with them. Just thought I'd share some good news. :)

hazeldust

09-20-2005, 07:02 PM

good for you sunrayemomi- its good to know that blended fsmilies do work out. im sorry if i came off harshly, i have very limited experience with things other than my own limited experiences and am still trying to figure out my views and beliefs. best of luck to you.

laralou

09-23-2005, 08:33 AM

I have felt the same thing coming here and that is the reason I stopped coming. The deliberate favoritism of birth children by step mothers was more than I could bear. I am in a blended family but I am the birth parent to all of my children. I have been horrified to hear how people really feel about their stepkids and worse, how they treat them. I have prayed and cried for some stepkids.

I have never suggested people split up, but why give advice that involves emotionally and mentally neglecting your stepkids? Why not try to be a better parent to those kids too. If you chose the marriage, you chose the kids. It is up to you to find a way to love these kids to the best of your ability and to try to treat them with the same kindness and love you want your own kids to recieve.

Remember there are birth mothers on here imagining their child being treated or thought about the way you treat or think about your stepchildren. So if we react strongly, it is our mama bear instinct coming out.

lilsishomemade

09-23-2005, 08:44 AM

laralou

09-23-2005, 12:07 PM

I do love my stepson very much. But, I was, apparently, naive when I got married. I really had no clue, and instead of allowing me and my stepson to develop a relationship at our own comfort level (because he does *not* want me to be his mother), everyone got upset that I wasn't brushing his teeth for him, or whatever. I couldn't go from "friend" to "mother" overnight, and I needed support, which I didn't get. This created bitterness, unfortunately, between the both of us. Our relationship is now healing, but it's taken some time. I regret that I didn't seek out other stepmoms to support me and tell me it was okay that he and I work on our personal relationship at our own pace.

I love it when my stepson gets to come here. His father is always so happy to have his son around (we live 10 hours apart), and he is so wonderful with my own boys, he makes a great big-brother. But the relationship between us is not as close as it is between he and his mother, and at it's best it never will be. I would never presume for it to be, and I would never want another woman (besides their SO) to be as close to my boys as I am. Does any of this make sense? I am not saying I hate my stepson, but that the relationship is complicated, and can be difficult, and sometimes I need someone to give me a hug and acknowledge my feelings about it.

lilsishomemade, your post does made sense. I have no problem with needing to vent. I just would prefer to see the focus be on improving the relationship (even by giving it space) rather than on rationalizing ignoring or neglecting a stepchild. It is against MDC rules for me to point to specific posts, but there are plenty in this forum which advocate mistreating the sc (ignoring/neglecting) because he/she/they aren't your bio kids and therefore not your responsibility.

Edited to add: I know you can't forsee the way it will feel to have a stepchild, which is why you won't hear me say, "You made your bed now lie in it." I just say, now that you see how difficult it is, your responsibility is to be a positive presence in this child's life, not a negative one. I am not using one's lack of foresight to bash anyone, but I don't think it should be an excuse to treat a kid poorly.

polka hop

09-23-2005, 01:22 PM

MomBirthmomStepmom

09-23-2005, 01:40 PM

I just would prefer to see the focus be on improving the relationship (even by giving it space) rather than on rationalizing ignoring or neglecting a stepchild.
I want to point out how this approach has helped me and dss. Giving each other space, and allowing each other to grow into each other, if that makes sense...

Dss had a very difficult time with his mother, not knowing when he'd see her, when she would call, NOTHING. SO I finally TOLD SO, we NEED to get her on a regular schedule, so he's not having such a hard time with it (during those times, he'd be extra cranky, easily irritated, and overly emotional... OBVIOUSLY! Who wouldn't be?!?!)

Anyway, we got dss and biomom on a regular schedule, and dss and I have done TEN TIMES better since.

We get space from each other. We're no longer forced on each other 24/7... No longer forced to have a mom/child relationship that NEITHER of us were ready for on a 24/7 basis. He gets to see his mom more often, and is less cranky on a whole about that, because now he doesn't have to sit and wonder when the next time he'll see her will be.

It's not the solution for everyone, but it helped us.

We do need our space from each other, and for us, it makes us appreciate each other more when we are together. We do alot more together now, and get along SOOOO much better. It's amazing what a couple hours a week away can do :)

MomBirthmomStepmom

09-23-2005, 01:44 PM

I think that one issue is - we stepmoms would like the same trust and respect that's given to mothers posting about struggles with their biological children. When a mama in the PPD forum is distressed over her negative feelings for her baby, we (hopefully) don't tell her that we feel sorry for her kid, or that she should never have gotten pregnant in the first place. We don't tell a mama who's considering hiring a part-time sitter for her spirited child so that she can get a break/attend to an infant/whatever that she's neglecting the spirited child. Why not make the same assumptions of a stepmom; that she genuinely wants a close and harmonious relationship with her stepchild, but something's getting in the way of that, and it doesn't mean that stepmama is uncaring, unfit to parent, or just plain mean. I'm not saying that we shouldn't call out a poster who's suggesting something that's disrespectful or anti-AP, but I'd like to see this become a forum where one can get the same gentle guidance, concrete advice, and overall support that one can find elsewhere at MDC.

This is another feeling I had for a while, and still do on a whole.

If I'm supposed to treat my dss like he's my own biochild, how come I can't 'complain' about him like I would my own biochild? lol

Sounds mean, I suppose, but come on!!! SO would let me complain ALL DAY about dd if I needed/wanted to, but if I said ONE TINY THING about dss, he'd be through the roof angry at me... Um, that doesn't exactly sound fair, now does it?

Seriously, I treat him like my own, and expect everyone else in our lives to do the same with both children... However, I'm the only one (as the step-mother) held to that... Everyone else is allowed to play favorites, but as the step-mother, I can't even remotely treat them the same... I have to put dss on a pedastal...

I just wanna be able to complain about dss just the same as I'm allowed to complain about DD...lol

SaneMarguerite

09-23-2005, 02:08 PM

Hi, I'm SaneMarguerite and I am a stepkid. I was also, for about six years, a stepmom.

my experience growing up a stepchild was pretty difficult. I don't know whether it was just the fallout from my parents' divorce, my stepmother's natural temperament, my own journey through stages of obnoxiousness, or flaws in the whole stepparent-stepchild model that made the experience so tremendously unpleasant, but unpleasant it was. Around the time I was turning 16, my stepmother and my dad started to raise their two kids, and even though much lip service was given to the idea that "we were all family, there are no second-class citizens, etc.", the reality felt to me to be very different. of course, I was sixteen, my stepmother had two little ones within four years, so I suppose I can shoulder much of the responsibility for my own tough time. I probably brought it on myself. I think I was a bad kid.

nonetheless, when the time came to commit to a man with a 9 year old daughter, I felt like I was being given a chance to redefine the whole step-relationship and re-imagine it in a healthy way. so, I made a big choice. I decided that if at any time I felt like my presence in her father's life was harming the girl, I would leave, even if I personally was happier than a pig in sh*t. then, I determined to make friends with her mom. I told her "hey, I've been a stepkid, and it sucked, and I'd really like to spare your daughter any unnecessary misery. the best way I think to do that is for us to work together - after all, we both want what's best for your daughter and we're on the same team." Even though this woman was as different from me as day is from night, we somehow managed to make it work. I was very lucky. fortunately, dearstepdaughter was old enough to understand that different people do things in different ways. we got on famously and I never had a moment of trouble.

but I never got a mother's day card. or flowers. or lots of presents. or any of the other things that my own stepmother seemed to expect as part of her divine right. and I never asked. her own mom was alive and well and it seemed presumptuous of me to demand tribute or whatever. I was just happy to have her around.

I had to leave her dad when she was about 15. it broke my heart. but I couldn't let her grow up around a woman who took the kind of abuse he dished out, and think that putting up with that made you "strong". so I left. I stayed longer than I should, because I couldn't bear to leave her.

when I left the abusive ex and came home to my dad and stepmother, my own mother was just a few weeks away from dying. my dad and stepmother were supportive. but when the very next mother's day rolled around, I got mad grief from my dad and stepmom for not trotting out the flowers/card/present deal. they seemed to think that I could just hop from mom to mom-equivalent without missing a beat. this was a few years ago now and I still can't swallow that.

the point is (and here it is my first post and I think I've used up all my words for the year) the adult-loved-one-not-biologically-or-by-adoption-related-to-you is a totally new relationship; it's not "like a mom", or "like a friend", or "like" anything. it's something unto itself and completely different from anything else.

I miss that girl though.

mamameg

09-23-2005, 03:54 PM

I just wanna be able to complain about dss just the same as I'm allowed to complain about DD...lol

ITA! I read threads by bio moms in the Toddler or Childhood Years forums and people say stuff like, "I can't stand this kid one more minute! She's driving me crazy!" And they are met with hugs and support and btdt stories galore. But here, that's not okay to say about stepkids, because bio moms apparently project their own concerns for their own children on the stepmom's situation and then the stepmoms are the villians for having any issue in the first place.

The fact is, sometimes my DSS drives me up the wall... just like my DD does! And I might come here to vent about it, becuase well, sometimes I need to vent. And sometimes I want input on how to handle a situation, becuase NO, I can not always handle it the same way I would if the child were my bio child. I think it's naive to say, "treat the kids the same" because treating them the same implies the r-ship is a traditional mother/child r-ship and it simply is not.

riotkrrn - I think you hit it on the head when you mentioned the benefit of the doubt. Like, can't we just assume that there are no evil stepmonsters here? Can't we just assume a venting post is nothing more than that, and that no, we stepmoms do not, in fact, want to lock the stepkids in the closet? I would think at MDC there would be more understanding that the mothers here are thoughtful and just trying to do their best for all the kids in their lives.

MomBirthmomStepmom

09-23-2005, 04:00 PM

EXACTLY!!!

I'm MUCH harder on DD than on DSS, simply because of society's view of step-mothers... This thread, honestly, just played into how society sees step'monsters'... :irked:

SillyGigglyGirls

09-24-2005, 10:09 PM

I understand, all parts of this thread.
Apart of me, I nod in understanding. Another
part, I feel "anger". Then few lines down, wanna
turn the tap of tears on. I know that my oldest daughter (step-daughter..I am going to clarify so you know, eventhough I "hate" that term." I can't call her my "special daughter" either as what some other step parents do because it pulls the equality right out of the picture with all the girls.

I guess, as a step-mom. I am a major advocate for healthy relationships not just with my step-child but her bio mom. By that I don't mean "buddy buddy." But a decent, working relationship. I understand that she has a mother, and I am willing to offer support if I able to. There are times, I don't agree with stuff that her bio mom does. But it goes unspoken. I work extremely hard, probably overtime with my step-child because I know everything she has learned here with me. Will unravel at home. That is the most devastating feeling. She is taught to hit at home, she is taught to restrain her "phsyical anger" and retrained to sit and talk calmly...about her feelings. Communcation. It makes me angry, that I feel that she is lacking in areas, I know that our family life could provide for her. Also we have to becareful, because if disturbed or threatened we could be hauled into court and not see her at all. So, its a very "shaky" environment at times (as far as all the parents involved, me, my bf, her mom, her step dad). We work, extremely hard to provide support, in any way to her bio mom. Taking her for long periods of time, clothing, money, whatever that benefits her. And gives her mom a break or, whatever. I know that when child support was due, she is very "rude about it". I understand I was a single parent for alot of years, and I never got support. Instead of her being in his face, I just handed him the money that was owed. Told her to give it to her today, so she wasn't up in arms about it.

Flip this on my side of the coin. I was a child, all I ever heard was YOU ACT JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER/FATHER! YOUR FATHER DIDNT PAY ME SO YOU CAN'T GET THIS! I GIVE YOUR MOTHER MONEY AND SHE DOESN'T USE IT FOR YOU, WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE USE IT FOR?! YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER, THAT I AM NOT GIVING HER A PENNY MORE! DO YOU HEAR ME? ARE YOU TELLING HIM/HER?! PUT YOUR MOTHER ON THE PHONE! ..believe me, it was a very unhappy childhood. Years and years of bad blood. From screaming at the doorway, to blood raging phone calls. My bf has no clue what a step family is like, his parents just celebrated their 28th Annv. on Aug. 12th. I understand, more than you can imagine. That is why I want to make sure that he understands what he does, and doesnt do affects our daughter. Whether or not, when she goes home and he didn't do something. She will "hear" about it. I see it in her behaviour, I can see it, because I acted the way she does.

Communication, and understanding that you all are helping and responsible for raising this child is the only advice I have. I remember how it felt, and it was awful. I wouldn't want any of my girls going through that. My bf doesn't treat ANY of the girls differently. They are all treated equally. All the time.

lilsishomemade

09-24-2005, 10:45 PM

I was also a stepchild. I know now how lucky I was in my relationship with my stepfather.

Also, I want to add that I do care a whole lot about my stepson. It's heartbreaking to live so far from him, then when we hear he's failing his grade, to be the one who goes to bat, and call and email his teacher for updates, do research, try and help mom (who more often than not hangs up the minute I say "Hi!"), and then to have him come here and everyone tell me when I get a little frustrated that I have no right to those feelings, and maybe if I just tried to love him more, I'd be a better stepmom.

In my situation, I can never do enough to "prove" my love for my stepchild. Thank you to those who mentioned that it's hard to forsee how difficult this could be. I'm always looking for ways to make our relationship a little more positive.

MomBirthmomStepmom

09-26-2005, 12:59 PM

In my situation, I can never do enough to "prove" my love for my stepchild.
I couldn't have said it better myself!!

With my DD, no matter what I do, everyone says it's apparant I love my DD. However, with DSS, I treat him EXACTLY the same (and at times even favor him just so noone thinks I'm treating them unequally), and STILL it's like the only way I could PROVE my love for dss is if I birthed him myself... I can't change that fact, and it seems noone will ever trust my love for him because of that TINY fact.

And btw, how sad is it that I have to FAVOR my step-son just so people THINK I'm treating them equally?!?! What about my DD, does she not deserve the same? Or would that just be me 'not loving' dss?

It's HARD raising someone else's child. Especially if both parents are involved, no matter how little the involvement... Dss's mom doesn't 'mother' him, but she's in his life... I do all the work of parenting, and she gets all the credit... Sad world, huh?

4cornersmamma

09-28-2005, 05:00 PM

but there seems to be a lot of "I dislike my stepchil(dren)" threads here. I'm not trying to be confrontational and what not but I don't get it. If you have such an issue with the child(ren) why are you with your spouse? You obviously knew about the child(ren) prior to marriage/engagement/living together so why did you continue the relationship if it was going to be an issue. Don't get me wrong.....I know step-parenting can be tough and hard and unappreciated but they are just children! They didn't chose this situation and the anger and animosity I am getting from some threads shocks me. Does it help to feel like that honestly? Does it better your situation? I don't get it. I hate reading about obvious favortisim. The stepkids are horrible to be around yet your children are the absolute best!? I'm not trying to cause a fight or anything but I seriously don't get the hostility. I guess this is just my own mini rant.

Are people really saying that they don't like their step children? Or could it be that these moms are just venting and instead of taking it out on the child/children, the mom is asking for advice or help on here? :innocent

gloriadayga

03-29-2006, 02:33 AM

My stepson is trying his best to destroy my marriage. He lived with his mother after his parents divorce. He contributed to the demise of two of her marriages and she eventually sent him to us. He has behavioural and emotional problems. He has been arrested 6 times and he is only 15 years old. Super Bowl Sunday he was angry with me and said someone should put a bullet in my head! I have since retreated to my family home in MS my husband sees this as a teenage rebelllion and I should not take this seriously.
Please send your comments.:chart:

sehbub

03-29-2006, 09:38 AM

Being a (step)parent is the hardest job many of us will ever do. As a PP mentioned, the difficulty and drama of the situation is amplified when the step children return to the bioparent and everything you teach in your home is shot down. My daughters (bonus kids) know that there are different rules in each house, and have stopped playing the "well, we get to do xyz at (biomom's) house." My DH put a stop to this by saying, "that's fine, and if it works for her, then it's okay. But it doesn't work for us, so please stop." The girls are 6 and (almost) 4, and are the most amazing children I've ever met.

I think some of the issue is that the entire dynamic of each relationship changes when you actually get married. Just like if there were no kids involved. When you're dating, it's not permanent, and it's easy to look through rose-colored glasses. When marriage hits, however, the glasses come off, and everyone realizes at once, "Oh man, this is permanent. Here we go!" Again, I've been lucky. To date, I've had no drama with either of our girls, except for the normal age appropriate growing pains, and they were/are actually *more* difficult for biomom.

Kids are kids. I don't care if they're bio/step/adopted/fostered/on loan from the circus. There will be issues, and drama and hard times involved no matter what. As another PP mentioned, we need to respect that we're all trying desperately to be PARENTS. Not step parents, but parents. And it's hard, and tough, and makes you want to rip your hair out, and you couldn't possibly imagine the pain that would be inflicted on your life if the kids were gone. Our third daughter hasn't arrived yet, but when she does, I'm almost positive we'll have a harder time with her, because the other two have been so remarkably easy.

All we can do, as parents, is make sure our kids know they are loved, and safe, and respected. This is a rocky road for all involved, as is any parent/child relationship. I think we need to respect each other, and offer constructive criticism when someone comes here to vent about adolescent issues. Not "how dare she complain about her step child and not her biochild?" It very well may be that the biochild hasn't hit this stage (yet) and therefore is a non-issue. We deal with life as it comes.

EStreetMama

04-11-2006, 12:50 AM

I just want to say to the original poster that while I appreciate her observations, the post DID keep me from posting here about my step-family dilemma.

Resources and places to vent are very few and far between for step-parents, please help keep this one available and receptive.

azjen43

04-17-2006, 06:02 PM

Hi, all!

This is actually the first time I've read or posted on this particular forum. I came over here after a difficult week with step kids, and was just looking for ideas and encouragement.This is the first thread I've looked at, and while there IS a bit of negativity, it really has made me think about my feelings and beliefs as a step parent. My relationship with my stepkids will be changing, after having a long distance relationship with not much in person contact, the kids will be moving to our community this summer.

I married my DH knowing that his kids mean the world to him, and that our family is going to be dynamic and at times stressful. This past weekend was the hardest for us all so far.

Thanks to all the ladies on this thread for reminding me of what I already know: That our family is the center of our lives and that it is our privelige and honor to be the parents of all of these amazing human beings. We will have struggles and celebrations and losses and joys and we'll do it without always having the appreciation we think we deserve. We're all learning as we go.

As soon as I leave here, I'm sending an email to my step kids telling them how much I appreciate them and look forward to spending more time with them. And then, I'm going to be a mom and step mom to the best of my ability.

And I do plan on coming here from time to time for support. Maybe to offer some, too!