In Depth Question for Lesbian Couples

[Curious Me]

I'm wondering about Domestic Partnership Agreements. Wondering if my partner and I should have one. Wondering what would be in it. If you are a lesbian in a long-term, committed monogamous relationship, would you mind sharing? I'd appreciate it.

Do you own a home together? If so, which of you claims the interest/taxes at tax time? How did you come to that decision?

Do you both work?

Are your incomes about the same or is there a significant disparity? If there is a disparity, how does that play out in terms of spending and saving?

Do you pool your money? Keep separate accounts?

Does one person have more of a say-so in how money is spent or not? How did that person get that role?

How do you pay the bills? Is it 50/50, a percentage, or something else?

How do you decide who pays for groceries, household items, wedding gifts, birthday gifts for friends and extended family, going out for dinner, etc?

Do you have a DP Agreement or something similar that covers all of this?

Thanks a lot -- your thoughts really are appreciated.

[Amazlilith]

We have a domestic partnership but it through the state, we don't have a pre-nup though.

My partner is the SAHM and I WOH...EVERYTHING is in one pot and we make equal decisions on everything...That is what a partnership is. If you have one partner with more power then the other it is not a very good relationship. And the partner who makes less money isn't less of a partner because doesn't make the same amount.

[Diane B]

I'm wondering about Domestic Partnership Agreements. Wondering if my partner and I should have one. Wondering what would be in it. If you are a lesbian in a long-term, committed monogamous relationship, would you mind sharing? I'd appreciate it.

No, but we do have wills and power of attorney. If you don't have these legal documents, you need to get them now! A domestic partnership agreement might be nice for you to spell things out, but it has no legal standing in a court of law, at least in our state.

Do you own a home together? If so, which of you claims the interest/taxes at tax time? How did you come to that decision?

Do you both work?

Are your incomes about the same or is there a significant disparity? If there is a disparity, how does that play out in terms of spending and saving?

Do you pool your money? Keep separate accounts?

Does one person have more of a say-so in how money is spent or not? How did that person get that role?

How do you pay the bills? Is it 50/50, a percentage, or something else?

How do you decide who pays for groceries, household items, wedding gifts, birthday gifts for friends and extended family, going out for dinner, etc?

Do you have a DP Agreement or something similar that covers all of this?

Thanks a lot -- your thoughts really are appreciated.

We kept our money separate for the first 10 years of our relationship, although we each contributed to household bills. FINALLY, we felt ready to just pool everything. We both work part-time, my job provides the benefits, I own the house but she's in my will and all decisions are made jointly, we have joint checking and savings accounts, etc.

It's challenging to have shared money and separate taxes, so you have to think through those issues, but otherwise, it's working great.

We operate as a team, both for raising our daughter, and for everything else. We don't consult about smaller purchases, but we do check in about anything over $50 or so. We work with a financial planner too, which has really helped.

Best wishes -

[venustx]

...

[mumm]

I'm wondering about Domestic Partnership Agreements. Wondering if my partner and I should have one. Wondering what would be in it. If you are a lesbian in a long-term, committed monogamous relationship, would you mind sharing? I'd appreciate it.

We have several DP agreements that we fill out and sign for different events. i.e., work benefits, etc. We are also in MA so we are legally married. We never did a pre-nup sort of things when we 'committed' 15 years ago. Jeez- we had no money as college students so it never even entered our minds. We do talk about it sometimes now. I would be sooo screwed without. She would be screwed without me too, but not financially.

Do you own a home together? If so, which of you claims the interest/taxes at tax time? How did you come to that decision? We own a home together. We have who ever gets the best deal on taxes claim it.

Do you both work? I am sah and dp works way too much! When I worked, pre-kids, I was the primary breadwinner. We are living off saving for now as she does not earn enough to keep up going long term. We think that will change before we run out of money!

Are your incomes about the same or is there a significant disparity? If there is a disparity, how does that play out in terms of spending and saving? It has always been "our" money, even when I earned twice as much. We had a joint account when still in college. Even now that I don't work, it is 'our' money since we really are living off saving from when I worked. It doedn't matter though.

Do you pool your money? Keep separate accounts? See above

Does one person have more of a say-so in how money is spent or not? How did that person get that role? We both are pretty frugal, so it is not really a problem for us. She pays the actual bills, and I spend most of the money since I am the one shopping, bringing cars to the shop, etc.

How do you pay the bills? Is it 50/50, a percentage, or something else? It just comes from our money. My brother and his wife have a wierd (to me) arrangement where she pays X bills and he pays Y. Well, I've seen her struggling to pay her bills while he has a bit to spare. Ugh, she gave up haircuts for her and the kids to pay the gas bill while he was still eating his dunkin donuts. Made no sense to me.

How do you decide who pays for groceries, household items, wedding gifts, birthday gifts for friends and extended family, going out for dinner, etc? We disagree sometimes on how much to spend on other people. We spend more on other peoples gifts than we do on our own, etc. We don't exchange gifts between us for b-day or christmas. Our kids get pre-owned items for their gifts, but we always buy new for friends and relatives.

I also want to add that I don't think this is necessarily a gay issue. Every family does it differently. I am amazed at attitudes about debt though. Our only debt is the mortgage, and we are paying that off ahead of schedule. We don't eat out (ever!), we don't belong to a gym or a pool, I buy clothes used for everyone almost all the time, we eat cheap but well ($60 a week for 4), we only travel if it is camping and we can drive or don't need to rent a car. (Flights are free for us) I can't comprehend having credit card or even car payment debt while doing those things.

[max_4477]

We're married. Our $ is basically pooled and we pay bills out of that. We have a family budget that gives each of us spending $ each month and also lays out groceries, gifts, etc. We're both pretty frugal so if one of us goes & buys an expensive pair of shoes or new work clothing we know that person really needed it. No house yet, but we will both be on the mortgage/title when we have one someday. Taxes are different here than in the US so I don't think our answer to that is relevant to you. Our work situation will be changing over the years. We've both gone back to school, I'll take time off for another kid sometime, etc. Our earning potential is pretty similar. We definitely see our $ and assets as ours together. We have a will.

I don't know much about DP agreements, I guess. I never considered that they'd spell out who pays for what any more than a marriage certificate does. Hm.

[witt]

we have been together 9 years and it's interesting because my mum died and I got a lot of assets from her estate, our house is owned free hold (no mortgage) and 3/4 of it is mine, we had big debates about what if we split etc, and laws here mean that with no pre nup/property sharing agreement - if we split everything gets halved. We decided we were comfortable with it, or I did really. I have had lots of time off, laura has always earned more than me. But we both work part time.

All money goes into one pot. I like it like this, for us once we had kids, we were truly hitched and didn't feel right to do it any other way

[lunadoula]

*

[Faerieshadow]

We have had joint accounts for several years now. Throughout our relationship "who makes more" has fluctuated, but we've never really thought about it. Whatever money is coming in, is our money - for bill paying, typical expenses, and pleasure spending. We do always consult for bigger purchases, and I'm the one who handles the budgeting so DP frequently asks me how much we can spend for suchandsuch, but it is equal partnership all around.

[missus]

Since before we got married, we've had a joint acct where we each write a cheque to it at the beginning of the month (I put in 1/2 my cheque twice a month b/c that is easier on my budget) and from our joint acct we pay rent, groceries, utilities, other "family"/joint expenses. That leaves us both with the rest of our money to spend as we wish. Luckily, we both have similar values re: money and are responsible with it - I'm not out gambling away the grocery money. I probably spend more (of my own) money on shoes, but she spends more of hers on power tools - it evens out. Now that I am carrying her child, she puts more into the joint family acct for me to use on physiotherapy/massage, baby stuff. My dp makes WAY more money than me, and she is happy to spend the "big bucks" on purchases I just can't consider (like a Miele vaccuum, her latest obsession...)
It works out because we trust each other and share similar values.
Good luck!

[2happymamas]

We do own a home together. She owned the home prior to us coming together. About a year after we moved in together, we decided to also put my name of the mortgage. She claims the interest/taxes at tax time because she pays the mortgage and it is more benefical to us.

We both work, although she works full-time and I only work one day per week b/c of attending school full-time.

Our incomes have an astromical disparity. I will be lucky to make 3,000 this year and she makes around 60,000. In terms of savings and spending, she does both. She pays all househole bills with the exception of cable and my cell phone. I also try to pay half of the weekly grocery bill whenever possible. She also pays my car payment and insurance. I obviously do not have any $ to save. Our mentality is that I do what I can...she totally understands and has been 100% supportive of my going to grad school. It was actually her suggestion that I quit my full-time job and go to school full-time.

Right now we each have seperate accounts but I am getting ready to quit working part-time as my practicuum at school is approaching. We have agreed to keep seperate accounts but get one savings together. We discussed putting my name on her checking and savings account, but you ahve to report balances of each when applying for finanical aid. We do not want to reduce the amounts I am eligible for right now. After graduation, I really do not plan to work b/c we want to immediately start a family. At that point, all accounts will be joint.

Even though she makes substantially more, she really checks with me before making major purchases. I do have the pwer of veto, to a certain extent. When something breaks in the house and needs to be replaced, we go together and agree on what to buy. I know exactly how much money we have and am usually the one to write out checks for monthly bills and such (from her account). Our financial situation is not a secret, even though it is "technically" her money. We see it all as our money, our savings, etc.

We buy gifts according to who has the money. If I had a good night at work and we need to buy a friend a gift, I will try to pay. Usually if the cost is 40 or less, I will buy it. After that, she covers the difference.

We do not have a DP agreement. However, we are getting ready to meet with a lawyer to draw up POA, healthcare proxy, etc. We are legally married state of MA, but not in our homestate :(

[foggy]

We own our home together although the house is in my name because my SO is a stay at home Mom and the bank seemed more inclined to give me a loan than us. For the moment I get the tax break but it doesn't matter so muuch because it's all "our money". When her biz takes off, whichever gets the best break will take the deduction.

We split all the payments and expenses 50/50, but we don't really worry (when we go out to eat for example) who's pot the money comes out of.

When she goes back to work this year and our son is in school we'll get a joint account and put her name on the title of the house. We became domestic partners which means (for the moment in Cal) that we've each got the right to 50% if we did break up, and we did living wills to cover any illness or death issues.

Custody of our Son is shared with her ex, which further complicates things, but I doubt adding me to that mix would make life more plesant so we won't address it at the moment.

We're in the process of re-doing our wills as well because not all of the rights are the same for domestic partners and we don't want it all hung up in probate should something happen.

Health insurance turned out to be cheaper seperately than together as DP's, mostly because I'm significantly older and pay more than she does.

Bottom line is that we are partners for life so we don't swell on who's money it is. Straight couples rarely do, why should we?

[TryingMommas]

it sounds like people on this thread are using the two below things interchangeably, and/or getting them confused:

1) being domestic partners in the informal sense of sharing each other's home and life in a long-term relationship, without being married or registering or being recognized by any kind of govm't entity

2) Being "Domestic Partners" as in registering with a local or state government in some way that conveys some legal recognition, and/or signing a notarized form indicating that you are for the purposes of health insurance (if your state or local govm't doesn't have a DP registry, some emplyers will still provide DP benefits).

3) having a "partnership agreement" (whether or not you're registered) which is basically a written contract/agreement between 2 unmarried people of how you intend to hold your assets, make decisions, finances, etc. Somewhat like a pre-nup, but referring to while you are together, not just what would happen if you broke up. Great examples are in the Nolo press books - with examples for straight unmarried partners, and for LGBT folks

I thought the thread starter was asking about if people had #3 ...

In any case, I'll answer for myself - we've been together for almost 10 years, and registered with the state of CA for about 2 years. We have had many different plans over the years about how we did our money/paid for things, which sometimes varied depending on how much we each made - though it has always involved sharing most expenses and we've had at least one joint bank account since we moved in together 9 years ago. BUT We never actually got around to writing up a partnership agreement; now that CA DP rights are so strong, we will be treated much the same as married straight folk if anything happened and our relationship ended with contested assets.

At this point, all our assets are shared and all our money is "family" money, with the exception of gifts to one of us from someone else. We make budgets for all expenses and then go by them the best we can, and don't spend un-budgeted money without consulting each other. We own a duplex (with another married couple), so taxes are funky, so we either split the tax benefits, or whoever it works better for takes them.

We still haven't done our wills, but we finally did hospital visistation forms and health care power of attorney (needed if travelling outside our state where our registered Domestic Partnership may not be recognized). Luckily our families are *very* supportive, so I can't imagine either not recognizing one of us if something terrible happened.

Hope that helps!