queencarr
08-23-2005, 07:58 AM
3 years ago yesterday, I learned that my baby had died. And I began to labor to bring her here, only to have to lose her again. We had an excellent birth and delivery--even a few laughs as no one had thought to tell the nurse that she was breech, and she was confused by the presenting part when she checked me. We held her for hours afterward. In hindsight, I wonder why I didn't realy unwrap and explore her, to memorize here every feature, but at the time it seemed wrong to expose her in that way. I did glance at all of her quickly as I repositioned the blanket, but I did not learn her. She looked like me through the face, she had my husbands feet and toes. It was unreal except that is was.
Fast forward to now. I spent yesterday laboring, not to give birth but getting the final paperwrok ready to bring home our new son from Korea. I was so focused I did not eat, I was annoyed by distractions, mentally it felt very much like labor. We got his referral on the anniversary of the day she probably died, so that has made the experience of coming to know him all the more bittersweet.
Today, as 3 years ago, we finished up, and now the resting period begins. With Sam, we rested, knowing that at the end she was gone to us from this world. With Connor, we rest and prepare for his arrival. It is a very strange juxtaposition of events that has made our anniversary this year much more heavy. Even ds has had some issues of guilt over being happy about a baby brother and because he already is a brother. The innocent comments congratulating him on being a big brother are what seem to overwhelm him, and all I can to is hold him and cry with him. He has asked that we move Sam's picture from the side off the shelves to front and center on the fireplace, and seems comforted by a variation of his phrase that he used much after she was born--we are a family of 4, with 1 person missing--is now, we are a family of five with one person missing and one on his way.
Grieving with him has been so helpful to me in my own process, because he doesn't bury things in layers or try to hid them. His openess and simplicity has helpd me refocus myself. He has been such a wonderful blessing to me.
I find comfort in the strange overlap of dates that have happened. I tried really hard to arrange the adoption paperwork so that nothing would happen between August and Nov (due date). Of course we also requested a girl. So I have to believe God is at work in this. This child is destined to be mine in a way no other could be, and that thrills me. We will be getting him sometime between Nov and Jan, and I suspect if our dates pattern hold true that it will earlier rather than later. It will good to hold a baby again.
I just needed to get it out in words, I guess. It helps me organize my thoughts when they are still stirring around. I still need to grieve this day, but I need to do it as we prepare to welcome Connor into our home.
Thoughts and hugs woud be appreciated on this unusual, difficult day:)
Fast forward to now. I spent yesterday laboring, not to give birth but getting the final paperwrok ready to bring home our new son from Korea. I was so focused I did not eat, I was annoyed by distractions, mentally it felt very much like labor. We got his referral on the anniversary of the day she probably died, so that has made the experience of coming to know him all the more bittersweet.
Today, as 3 years ago, we finished up, and now the resting period begins. With Sam, we rested, knowing that at the end she was gone to us from this world. With Connor, we rest and prepare for his arrival. It is a very strange juxtaposition of events that has made our anniversary this year much more heavy. Even ds has had some issues of guilt over being happy about a baby brother and because he already is a brother. The innocent comments congratulating him on being a big brother are what seem to overwhelm him, and all I can to is hold him and cry with him. He has asked that we move Sam's picture from the side off the shelves to front and center on the fireplace, and seems comforted by a variation of his phrase that he used much after she was born--we are a family of 4, with 1 person missing--is now, we are a family of five with one person missing and one on his way.
Grieving with him has been so helpful to me in my own process, because he doesn't bury things in layers or try to hid them. His openess and simplicity has helpd me refocus myself. He has been such a wonderful blessing to me.
I find comfort in the strange overlap of dates that have happened. I tried really hard to arrange the adoption paperwork so that nothing would happen between August and Nov (due date). Of course we also requested a girl. So I have to believe God is at work in this. This child is destined to be mine in a way no other could be, and that thrills me. We will be getting him sometime between Nov and Jan, and I suspect if our dates pattern hold true that it will earlier rather than later. It will good to hold a baby again.
I just needed to get it out in words, I guess. It helps me organize my thoughts when they are still stirring around. I still need to grieve this day, but I need to do it as we prepare to welcome Connor into our home.
Thoughts and hugs woud be appreciated on this unusual, difficult day:)