responsible for my feelings / 'good job'

[**guest**]

i have been conscious of not letting dd to be responsible for my feelings -- avoiding 'you made me feel...' etc. i also agree with Alfie Kohn on rewards and 'good jobs', so this is not in our vocab either.

and yet i noticed that when i comment on something dd does, i use the technique kohn mentions: 'you shared, max is happy' -- focusing on how the other person feels, rather than 'good sharing'.

i think this leads me into a trap. for example, she eats something i cooked. 'mama, this is so tasty'. i say 'i am glad you liked it'. she asks why, and i explain that because i made an effort to cook it, and she liked it, it makes me really happy, as i like when she is happy. TRAP. :bag: but how do i go around it? i don't feel i am manipulating her, but does she perceive that i am? i just want to share my happiness. she knows she does not have to eat, was never forced; i do not say meaning it is her reward. i am genuinely happy when she is happy.

how do i go about it? once she was really upset, and i was upset that she was upset. she asked me why i was upset -- i told her that it was because of her, i was empathising and co-miserating. but it just came out wrong. i don't think it is bad for them to know that when she is unhappy i might be unhappy too, but i don't want her to feel that she made me unhappy?

yesterday she drank some herbal tea, looked at me, and said 'i like it. i like making you happy' :bag:

i don't want her to feel that she needs to make me happy, or that when she is upset she is 'making' me upset.

i feel there is a difference with 'anger' -- her misbehaviour cannot 'make' me angry or upset with her (well, it can, of course, but not the 'make me' part -- ideally :bag: ). but i still feel i am in the 'you make me feel...' trap.

ideas???

[artgirl]

I run into these kinds of things all the time. Very tricky with the wording.
How about instead of

i say 'i am glad you liked it'. she asks why, and i explain that because i made an effort to cook it, and she liked it, it makes me really happy, as i like when she is happy.

you just say "because I made it for you" or
"because it'll make you grow strong and healthy" or
"when you like something I worked hard on I feel happy" ... just leave out the word *makes*... not attributing your happy feeling to your dd exactly. or
"because I was hoping you would enjoy it" or
"I think it's great when you find something new that you like"

I don't know... the list could go on depending on what you're trying to accomplish. Some of those might not be the best... I struggle with this all the time and then I wonder if I'm overthinking... but I think not.
Language is very powerful.
I'm interested to read what other people think about this.

[cmb123]

I understand the intent about not wanting others to feel responsible for our feelings, BUT I do think that when you love someone, and you are deeply attached to them (as us APers usually wanna be :wink ) there is going to be a natural effect on eachothers feelings, as in the examples you gave. I don't think we shoud overthink every word we say to the Nth degree. Your responces to her were perfectly natural. We are all still human, and I doubt telling her that you are glad she liked her lunch will sabotage the conscienciousness you put into your interactions with her.
Now, if she DIDN't like the food you worked hard to make, and you told her that she had disappointed you and made you sad because you worked so hard, and wanted her to like it THEN, I'd say you might be off. KWIM?

[artgirl]

hmmm. I agree with that too cmb123. that's why I love this site so much.

[CurlyTop]

I love those alternate suggestions, especially, "Because I was hoping you'd enjoy it." I don't think you should feel badly for what you said. I endorse Alfie Kohn's ideas and think he's brilliantly articulated many issues with parenting. I also think that young children really love to please their parents and that's ok. So she likes to make you happy. How is that worse than liking to see how happy a friend is when she offers him some juice?

I see a line between "making" someone feel a certain way, and noticing that being the effect of her actions. I actually question the idea of pointing kids to the reaction they are having on others as a prime reason to behave a certain way. Someone once told me that the reason preschoolers love to please their mothers is that mothers (hopefully) approve of treating people well. They internalize their mothers ideals and that's how they become people of character.

Don't be hard on yourself :)

CurlyTop