I Have To Prod Him To Do Anything With DD

[amydawnsmommy]

GRRR!!!

My husband is so bad for having to be PUSHED to do anything with our daughter Hope. Just moments ago I was exercising and asked him to take her outside for a few minutes. Often when he has work on the brain I get this whole 'I'd be happy to spend my whole day with Hope but you'd have to make enough money routine'. It is SO ridiculous!!!

All he needs to do is play with his daughter for goodness sake!!!! We're not talking about all day here. We're talking about a father and daughter spending time together during the day!

The very frustrating (and painful) thing is that Hope's older sister was stillborn and so when we had Hope I expected he would be very involved and instead I've had to push him every step of the way to be the dad I need him to be for Hope! Fortunately I haven't given up on him yet (although I could often scream for how frustrating he is!) and he is becoming more and more the dad he needs to be.

Whenever he gives me this 'I need to work' routine I tell him that Hope is growing so fast and that he needs to play with her now because he doesn't want to look back years from now and realize he was never involved with his precious living daughter. He usually goes after that, I hate the fact that I have to push him to play with her. Doesn't he get that she is here now and may not be tomorrow? Life doesn't give you any guarantees, I know that now.

I realize he didn't have an involved father or mother but I am fed up with having to push him to be involved with our daughter who is here alive and well! I didn't have an involved family either and it is because of that that I am determined to give Hope everything she needs, everything I never had.

It drives me crazy. Once I push him he will play with her, it's just so frustrating because I thought it would come naturally for him.

Thanks for listening. Anyone have any ideas?

I've tried to organize a weekly family day but at times he feels forced and is miserable and then I'm angry and it's no fun.

How do I get this guy to be involved with his little girl?

[papapoochie]

Can you build a routine around his playing w/Hope? When I come home from work I play w/my DS while DW cooks dinner. This has worked with us and my DW prefers this. We do all kinds of things. Sometimes I direct the play and come up with suggestions, ie, "want to go outside and explore, or want to read a book?" Othertimes he will direct me to play trains, swing, or explore. But the key for us is to have the consistancy of the routine. That way your DH will know what is already planned, ie, come home and play.
Hope this helps. Good luck. :wink

[TanyaMT]

My DH does similar to papapoochie above. We call is "Zach time" - my son's name is Zach. It actually came about due to some behavioral problems and was recommended by our counsellor. DH already spent time with him but it wasn't the same time every day. The idea is that every single day after DH gets home, Zach gets to pick an activity he would like to do with his dad that day and they are together for about 1/2 hour or so (give or take). It is something DS counts on every day at the same time and looks forward to, and is scheduled so it doesn't get missed. DH spends other time too but this one part of the day is their special time.

[KalamazooMom]

One thing I've found that helps is to be very specific about suggesting what they might do together. If I ask my DH to spend time with the kids or take them out or play with them I get limited results. I think sometimes he just doesn't have an idea of what exactly to do with them. But if I say, hey how about if you take them out for an ice cream cone, or to the playground, or to the pool, I get better results.

[Marsupialmom]

I am not sure about how old your little girl is but one thing we do around here is tea parties. This started out by accident. We were giving this tea set with bunnies on it. We did it once and the girls especially asked for it again. I had mint tea and they loved it. Now my dh and my girls are tea addicts. But run out and ask him to take her with him to choose some new tea.

Also, I think you are expecting to much of him. Parenting does not come naturally to all people. You are also expecting him to live up to an image of a perfect father that is in your head. This image is not always reality. It is also not necessary him or the perfect father for your child.

The tea parties we have was something bonding and fun we found by accident. I think it works for us because it involves something my dh likes to do, cook. He also can bring home treats from work.

Even though our son does the tea parties he is more into other things. They get on the floor and do cars and transformers, pretend to blow up things and have wars. :LOL I do not always understand how they can do this for hours but they do. I have also noticed as my son mature their relationship is evolving into playing checkers and chest (games of strategies). I see him pulling the girls into the games as their maturity grows.

If your dh needs help developing a relationship find things they can both do that he likes and can help teach your dd so she can like. Another way to approach is to change your attitude and help him realize that he can finish up after you do what you need or want to do.

[amydawnsmommy]

Thanks for your ideas. I think a consistent routine as well as ideas that are already ready for him would help.

Part of the problem is that now we are both working from home with our own separate home based businesses and he is concerned about the finances, especially about the upcoming winter.

I have asked Hope to ask Daddy to do things with her which helps because then he gets that it's not me asking him to play with Hope - Hope wants to play with him.

Hope is 2 1/2 and does enjoy tea parties. In fact she is playing with her tea set at the moment.

I have to say that last post was hurtful. I don't think that wanting the absolute best for your child should be considered having an attitude.

[Marsupialmom]

I am sorry I wasn't trying to be hurtful.

I want everything to be perfect and absolutely the best for my children also. But my visions of what is best is not always the best and it doesn't always match up with my dh visions or what he views as a priority . I had to learn that because dh does things differently doesn't mean they are wrong or the worse for the child. We at times have discussions of this, and annoy each over this.

I wasn't saying you had an attitude, but it day to day living it can seem that way to your partner. When I had my first child I had visions in my head of how things should be with father/child relationship. This pushing and nagging instead of encouraging and helping find things that come naturally him, IMO, made it even harder for my ex husband. My efforts to push together pushed them appart. I can step back and see how my expectations of him were unreal. Plus I didn't acknowledge the little stuff he did for ds, I was too busy in my vission to see the big pictures. I can look at my 2nd marrage and my kids father (ex is out of picture) and realize with dd's were very young he didn't play as well with them but at 18 months I could count to you on one hand how many times I bathed my dds :LOL I can step back and see a million other things my dh does for our children.

Remember also:

Society has program and pressures him to equate being a good father he must be the best provider (often at any cost). This is why many men miss out on their kids early years is because their self worth and their status of being a good father and husbands depends on how much they can provide. He sees his need to work as very important priority for your child/ren and for him is part of being a good father. If his business fails he will feel like he is a failure to his child/ren and you. Step back and look at why he sees work so important. He views it as the best way to provide for you and her and an important part of being a GOOD father.

[sapphire_chan]

"Cat's in the cradle and a silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the Moon, when you coming home son, I don't know when, but we'll get together then dad, you know we'll have a good time then."

However you have serious converstations in your house without defensiveness and fighting, have one. Start the process now. Topic: why he's scared of his own daughter.

[changa]

amydawnsmommy,
I don't want to be hurtful, but I do think it sounds like you are setting yourself
up to be disappointed. You want the very best, but that's something a normal
real person like your DH cannot ever provide.

He's human and is bound to have human failings. So it's good to find ways to
help him do more, but it might be even better to find ways to accept that he'll
never be perfect.

[Photar]

amydawnsmommy,
I don't want to be hurtful, but I do think it sounds like you are setting yourself
up to be disappointed. You want the very best, but that's something a normal
real person like your DH cannot ever provide.

He's human and is bound to have human failings. So it's good to find ways to
help him do more, but it might be even better to find ways to accept that he'll
never be perfect.

Hey, welcome to Mothering good friend Changa. My first post was way better than yours :) Mine might have been less philosophically deep though.

Hey wait a second, you're not a spanker are you? I don't think you're allowed to advocate that kind of thing here.

Back to the OP though, kids are cool. I'd rather play with them than work any day. But I'm really sorry you're having this problem. Mabye your DH needs whatever the GD equivelent of a kick in the pants is :)

[changa]

Photar,
I don't even have kids yet, (well, outside my wife) so I've just been lurking
with nothing to say. I'd've probably stayed that way if Helen hadn't gotten
us to read your post.

As far as spanking, I believe that what happens between consenting adults
isn't any of my business, and if you and your wife enjoy that kind of thing,
feel free to explore your sexuality in the privacy of your own home. It's
certainly not for me to judge.

Topic: why he's scared of his own daughter.
Approach this topic with a touch of sympathy though. I'm afraid of
my child too, and he isn't even born yet. It's not my child that I'm
afraid of truly, it's the mistakes I'm going to make. And I've worked
past that by accepting that I'm not perfect, but that by doing my
best I can lead in the right direction.

[cotton50]

I would say don't give up on him. I had a wonderful relationship with my DD, you could say we were almost inseparable. Her mother and I are no longer speaking and of course DD pays the price as the mother uses her to get back at me. Tell him to cherish every minute he has with his DD and take nothing for granted.

[Modesto Doula]

Hello,
I read this thread hoping to get some good ideas for getting DH more involved with our kiddos. I had a very involved father, he used to play games with us, waterfights, tag, wrestle, chase us around the house, you name it. I always knew growing up that his favorite time was coming home from work and playing with us. It made me feel special, loved. Evenwhen my father spanked me, I knew he didnt like to.
My DH is the complete opposite. His father was the breadwinner, often out of the house 16 hours a day working. He grew up with his father being responsible for making sure there was enough money, playing with or spending time with the children was out of the question. My DH grew up being hit (sometimes with a fist) and yelled at.
So now DH and I are totally different parents. DH spends his not-working time (he works from home right now) on the couch watching TV- normally I have to ask him to turn off something inappropriate for the children about 8 times before he actually does. He doesnt get that our kiddos shouldn't be watching The Simpsons or most of history channel :hammer DH requires the house to be clean, kids room picked up and his idea of spending time with the kids is playing some type of video game (usually something I dont agree with) while the children watch and "help" him. I love him to death but I think he is a terrible parent, and sometimes that translates into terrible fights and problems.
What I have done lately is to keep the TV off as much as possible, because it is a big source of my anger. If he leaves the room to do something, I turn it off. If he wants it back on when he comes back, he'll turn it on. I try and keep the kids busy if he's watching something horrible. He cooks dinner, and when I ask him to take over the kids, I make sure I give him a task- like reading library books to them- so he'll do it. Long ago I accepted that when I come home from Moms Night Out, I would see DH on the computer and the kiddos watching movies. Not my idea of ideal, but I "disappear" stuff they shouldn't watch and try not to feel guilty.
I've had to come to the realization and acceptance that my Dh can never be a dad like my dad was when I was young. It makes me sad that my children will not have that, but even within my circle of mostly attached parents, dads like that are few. He is a much better father than his father before him, and he improves every year. I have hope ;)