Entering playgroup hell.

[Niamh]

I had a mom stop by today on her walk. She's not a mom that I'm close to. She attends the same church as my husband and is always trying to get me to attend also. She stops by frequently out of the blue to let me know we're friends-in dh's church they call it 'fellowshipping'. I call it annoying.

So she stops by today, I open the door, she walks right in. DD is sound asleep taking her morning nap and the mom puts her daughter down to play. The ensuing banging and squealing wakes DD up-an hour early.

So DD wakes up to another baby in her house who is playing with her toys and DD does not have nearly the sleep reserves in her to deal with that graciously. So the mom is carrying on a conversation while I'm trying to referee two kids. She finally makes a comment about DD being cranky-"Is she always like that?" Grrr.

She mentions that the reason she's stopped by is that she's trying to start a playgroup and would I like to join? Since I live in an area dominated by one religion, and I'm not a member of that religion, I'm always trying to find ways to meet other moms-you can feel pretty isolated at times. So I say yes.

Then she asks how much DD sleeps at night. I tell her "Well, I don't think too much about it because she sleeps with us, but I guess she sleeps 4 or 5 hours at a time." Then she says "Oh, my DD (who is 12 months) sleeps 12 hours straight. I've been reading this book by a guy named Ferber-you should read it. It would really help you out. (I don't recall asking for help!)"

Then she said "You know what? I got a book as a gift when my daughter was born that changed the way I looked at babies. I think it would really help you see how your daughter's actions are manipulating you (Bear in mind that this whole time my 'manipulating' DD had been getting closer and closer to meltdown point because another baby was going through her toys). It's hard to parent your first child without help and this book helps. It's called Babywise."

At that point I said "You know what? I've got a lot to do today and DD's very tired still." She took the hint and left.

Now I don't want to be a part of this playgroup anymore. It doesn't sound like my kind of place.

[JamesMama]

Ack! Ferber AND Babywise in one breath!? I'm so sorry! You're right, doesn't sound like the type of people I'd want to be around! :hug hope you can find a good group of Mama's to be with.

[dziejen]

Well if you look at the positive side, you avoided having to attend an awkward playgroup when you realized that you don't have much in common with this woman. Maybe next time she stops by and dd is sleeping you can go outside to meet her so that she won't just come right in and wake your dd. Either that or hide and pretend not to hear her at the door :p I would've been very frustrated/angry too -- when my dd's used to take naps those times were sacred as it was the only time I got to myself and they really needed the rest. If you feel uncomfortable coming right out and saying you don't want to do the playgroup anymore maybe you can just say that the days/times are inconvenient and wish them well. :hug I hope you find some like-minded mamas nearby. I am not sure where you are from but have you looked on the tribal areas here? There are La Leche League groups all over the country as well that you might have more luck finding people to click with.

[writermommy]

I would keep looking for a normal playgroup. (or our definition of normal) Personally, when I hear the word "fellowship" I run. In my experience, this word means, let me shove my religion/beliefs down your throat.

[levar]

Just a thought, but maybe the playgroup for a few times WOULD be ok? I've met quite a few people by taking a chance and going to playgroups where the "leader-mom" is as you've described. I am getting pretty good at "feeling out" moms who think more like me. We've start smaller playgroups on our own.

One of my best friends pre-kids turned pro-Ferber, pro-Babywise, [religion etc etc], when she had kids. I met 2 of our NOW best-friend-families by attending playdates with her!

And I attended a church [met a mom in McDs of all places] sponsored playgroup and while we dont attend the church or the playgroup, I met my now-best-friend there and have since met TONS of other families through that one connection that "think like us" to have playdates with.

Finally, we recently met what may turn out to be good friends at a school function. While I dont agree with the attitudes [etc] of one of our neighbors, I went with them to a playdate. While there I met a mom and her daughter who are JUST like us! Cosmic-Family-Twins or something! Yippee. Family BBQs, Here we come!

So, instead of seeing the "dark" side of Ferber and Babywise, maybe there is a "light" side hidden [albiet, deep] to the invite. Say you go to the playdate, and while you're there you notice another Mom looking-sideways when topics like CIO or whatever come up. You quietly say something like "Hmm. We found better success with AP..." And the Mom says "oh, us too." And BAM you have a new friend and a new potential playdate! ;)

[johub]

First of all, get a nice screen door or security door.
That way when you open the door to talk to the person on the other side, you have to actively let them in ! LOL
I also find having a few handy responses availible for such advice is also helpful, such as :
"Oh yeah. I've read Babywise. And I would rather chew off my own arm than follow the advice of that maniac."
or,
"Yes, dh and I are familiar with Ferber, but we have this rediculous notion of putting our child's needs ahead of ours. THank you for asking."

And find a different playgroup.
You will only be miserable there.
Joline

[cmb123]

"Oh yeah. I've read Babywise. And I would rather chew off my own arm than follow the advice of that maniac."



:rotflmao

Have you tried LLL (La Leche League). Even if you are not nursing anymore, at least you may have a chance at meeting some like-minded people.

[AntoninBeGonin]

My token response to Babywise is, "did you know babies have actually DIED from their parents using that system?" Person, eyes wide, says "Noooooooo" Then I reply, "You should look more into it before deciding to use it. There's a ton of information available on the internet." :)

I agree with one of the PP's about going anyhow just to see if anyone else is there you'd like. I'm a member of a mom's group that as a whole I have very little in common with. But I get along great with the individual people. Also, I don't think there's anyone floating over my head, but I met a nice mother with her son while walking with DS and she invited me to come to her church's playgroup. So, I'm going to try that at their next meeting. I wonder how long it'll take them to figure out I don't believe any of it... :flipped

~Nay

[timneh_mom]

I agree with the PP's suggestion to see if there are La Leche League meetings in your area! Some of us at my meetings started getting together outside the meetings because we like each other a lot. :)

I'd run far and fast from that woman... ugh!

[maemaesmama]

LLL or API. We are a military family, and move around every few years. I find it very challanging to sayt the least to find like minded people. I think it is very important to have support from other mama's, and these are the best groups! We will go to the playgroups at church, or on base occasionally. I look at it as my chance to share some alternative approchases to parenting to these "informed" mothers that we all know! Also wanted to suggest a LARGE SIGN on your front door "CHILD ASLEEP GO AWAY", or something a bit nicer :)