And so it has begun.

[Tummy]

:crying
IDK what the hell the deal is. My hores are moaning in high pitch.
I have done nothing but scream and yell at DH today. His car broke down on his way home from work, he was to be here shortly after 4 and did not even call until 5:15p. I went OFF ON HIM. I was sooo mean. When he did get home I went off even more!
My computer is acting wacky cause my brother got on it and who knows what he did. Again I screamed at my DH!

:bawl I feel like every thing is just completely falling appart.

I was prepared for this! I knew this was coming! I told myself this would be okay! I am strong! I am not weak! I know this baby was not ment to be!

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL I AM FREAKING IN PAIN!

I want to be held by my DH so badly, yet I dont want him to even freaking look at me! I cried lastnight when the baby came out. Not one more tear in front of my DH since.
I feel ashamed! I feel like a failure! I feel like an @$$hole!

My hormones are so messed up right now, I can feel it. Its not just the m/c that has upset me, its my body that has failed me also. Failed me mentally, physically, emotionally!

I said to everyone that I would be okay, that its not that bad.

IM A F*&%ING LIAR!

How long will this last? I really honestly thought I would be okay. That this was just something that happens to many women and I could get through it with no pain.

I feel so damn bad for my DH!!!! He is such a great guy. He is a good provider and cares deeply for his family. This is something new for him too and he does not know how to help me. I dont know how to tell him to help me. I want to be alone, but I NEED him so badly!

[behr]

Many hugs to you!! This is so hard.
I too felt that I would just cruise through the experience but was completely engulfed by deep pain and emotions afterwards. It took a full year's cycle to gain back my emotional stability to some point. The experience has changed many things and made me aware of what really matters. Please allow yourself to be weak and fully experience the range of emotions. It is very hard, but I believe it is the only way to walk the path of grief.
I'm sending many good thoughts your way.
Beate

[Debstmomy]

No words, just :hugs

[coleslaw]

I'm so sorry Tummy. What you are going through is completely normal, not that it isn't unique in itself and new to you, but normal. First thing you need to do is let those who you trust - dh, supportive family and friends - that you are NOT OK, that this was much harder than you thought and you need to talk. It will take courage and you may find that some of the people who thought would listen won't, but you will find someone. Read the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. A great website to look for other helpful books and things is A Place To Remember (http://www.aplacetoremember.com) . Come here to vent as often as you need. I wish I had gone to counseling or to a support group of some sort. Please consider it, not because you are going crazy (because you aren't) but because sometimes we find ourselves in a place in life that we just can't handle on our own. We are a tribal species and we need each other. Lean on us.

[Erin_82]

I'm sorry Tummy!
i'm at work now so i cant write long, but I agree with Coleslaw, you should tell your DH that you need his help and that youre sorry for blowing up at him, i'm sure he'll understand.
I dont know what to say, I havent had my miscarriage yet, so I dont know how I will react. But you arent weak, you are mourning. :hug

[nydiagonz]

Tummy, :hug

I am sorry that you are hurting so bad right now. Grief is a bitch, plain and simple. It will smack you down hard just as you are getting up. I agree with the other mamas about leaning on your DH and telling him how frustrated you are. Going through the motions is not a sign of weakness, it is normal and expected. Be good to yourself and take some time to just vent on the phone, scream in a pillow, punch your bed... whatever. You need to act a little crazy and go through this in order to "move on". Take care!

[craftykitty]

I'm so, so sorry. :grouphug Go ahead and get it all out. Lock yourself in the bathroom and just sob, sob, sob. Take a notebook and furiously write all of those feelings of rage until you can't write anymore. I know it hurts so bad.

Maybe you can write a letter to your baby. You can burn it if you like and the the ashes blow away some of the pain....

[LisaG]

I wish I had words of wisdom. I wish I could tell you how to be ok. But I can tell you you're not alone. I can really relate to trying to keep up the pretense of being ok when we're not. I can really relate to wanting to be alone and wanting to be held. Grief is a strange beast and I certainly haven't figured it out. :hug

Lisa