The anger below the surface

[Eman'smom]

I feel that I'm kind of doing ok most of the time, I rarely yell, I don't hit, I try to do natural concequences as much as possible, learn what's important, pick my battles........

But so often I have so much anger just below the surface, I feel like I could just loose it at any moment KWIM?

Most of the time, it's not even big stuff, but I feel all the little things from the day building up. Like I need some sort of release that I'm sure my mom got when she screamed or my dad when he drank.


Does anyone else feel this? How do you deal?

[Patchfire]

Wow. That describes me so perfectly! I always thought I had it so 'together' as a kid/teenager - until the day that a red light caused me to totally trash the inside of my car. That was almost nine years ago, and I can name about ten other times I've lost it without any control since then, though none in hte last few years, thankfully.

Before dd was born, and even when she was really little, I'd just make sure I was either alone or dh was there. I have just enough control over it to hold it until then. Then it got harder once she was seven or eight months old and she'd pick up on the atmosphere and so on. I won't lie, there were times when I lost it in front of her. I never yelled at her, I never threw anything at her, but I still wish she'd never witnessed a bit of it.

Soo. I started having to control it even more. I'd wait until dh got home, would send him out with dd, and I'd scream and punch a pillow and shower and hit the wall and just rage for up to half an hour. That worked pretty well. And when we moved into a larger house, I could even send dd upstairs to the other end of the house until I was done.

Then, of course, ds was born five months ago. :P I've only had one or two days where I was on the edge since then, but I had to hold it in until dh was home again (agh!) and I'm pretty much, at the moment, reduced to getting in the shower or punching pillows.

I don't have any answers here... this is just my experience. I'd rather rage and punch pillows and scream than, as you say, scream at the kids, or drink, or some other form of twisted escapism. I've wondered for a long time WHY I am this way - and how in the world I manage to hide it so well from just about everyone. Not to mention, why my kids have to see it :( even a little bit, when the public doesn't... KWIM? But at least the *intensity* of it all seems to be decreasing... probably because I make an effort to vent before I get to boiling. I don't know.

[babybugmama]

Patchfire I am amazed by your control. That would be extremely difficult to do with such intense anger. And I think that getting it out before it reaches the rage stage is critical.

Eman'smom - what do you think is keeping the anger/irritation/frustration at such a high level? You mention your parents conflict...I'm guessing maybe you didn't have the best role models on how to cope effectively and appropriately with anger? That may be the first step is just identifying what is really irking you and doing what you can about that...some soul searching. :hug

[Eman'smom]

Eman'smom - what do you think is keeping the anger/irritation/frustration at such a high level? You mention your parents conflict...I'm guessing maybe you didn't have the best role models on how to cope effectively and appropriately with anger? That may be the first step is just identifying what is really irking you and doing what you can about that...some soul searching. :hug



I don't think it's always at a high level, and it's not a raging thing, it's the little stuff that as the day goes on just keeps on building. KWIM?

I'm never away from the kids which is a HUGE factor, I've been working on "quiet time" so I can get some time away but it isn't working. I've tried explaining to ds that mommy needs rest time, but he just doens't get it.

[babybugmama]

It sounds like I misread some, exaggerated what you had written, sorry :blush.

However, I guess I wonder why the little things are getting you though...You state that: "I could just loose it at any moment." So that seems pretty intense. What do they represent? I dont' know if that makes sense. I know that dd was basically getting on my nerves for a while there and then I realized it was how I was interpreting her behavior. When I looked at it a little differently I was no where near as irritated.

Not having a break can certainly be taxing. How old is ds? Are there other quiet activities you can get him involved in? Like a book on tape, playdough at the table, paints, bubble bath where you can just sit on the toilet and read (that's a biggee for me). I know helping dd to do quiet time took awhile. I started with just 5 or 10 min. I gave her a few books and said when she was done reading them to come find mommy. I would then tell her what I was going to do. I'm going to go potty, or I'm going to take a shower, or whatever. Now, I will tell her I'm going to rest too (what we call quiet time). I gradually increased that time until she does about 1/2 to 3/4 of an hour quiet time. But it took easily 6 months to get her there. I started doing that in prep for if we had baby number 2...I knew I would need to be able to take short cat naps and so...quiet time.

Take care of yourself, escape if you can for a little bit each day. :thumb to you for being so present in his life!

[gaialice]

Wow, I am not well placed to give advice here because I do lose it - often :bag: - in front of the kids and you are really good at not doing that. However, I am trying to get out of this bad habit and what is helping me is to shift the focus from "not showing anger" to "not feeling anger". It is not easy, I know, or I would not be exploding so often, but I am trying to learn to appreciate the moments I used to hate. For instance, I used to hate putting the kids to bed because this often involved staying in the room for a long while while they were being annoying rather than just shut their mouths and sleep. I decided that rather than focussing so much on their behaviour, I should just focus on enjoying those moments. I say my evening prayers, in silence, of course, and I just think how lucky I am that my girls are healthy, beautiful and we have all that we need. I try not to think "it is late and tomorrow they will be grumpy" and focus instead on "these are my moments of silence in a day filled of rushing and running and getting things done. I want to rest and enjoy". It used to be that I was just waiting for them to sleep to finally go to the balcony and hit things, now I just focus on filling the room with my love....silently... I'd say try your best to enjoy every moment with the kids, as if it were the last.