It worked!!!!

[septmommy]

My 23 month old son has been a terrible hitter for months now. Not just once or twice a day, but like 20 or 30 times during each playdate. I tried EVERYTHING and it only got worse. On the advice of some posters here I read "Unconditional Parenting" and it's working!!! He still hits occasionally, but he's like a new child. He is being extra huggy, enjoying his friends, and is just such a pleasure to be with. Thanks to everyone who suggested this wonderful book. I pray that our easy streak continues!

[UUMom]

:love

It's such a great book that can help us think about normal child behavior in new ways.

Don't you feel this crazy sort of freedom now?

[MsMoMpls]

Congrats!!! For all the mommas who don't know, who really want to believe, who haven't read the book....

Could you tell us exactly what you did that worked? I think more parents need to understand that GD really is effective, not just kinder and more respectful- it is powerful.

[IncaMama]

i'm having similar issues with DS (though he mostly hits me, not others) - can i asked what it was that worked with your DS?

[septmommy]

It is hard to say what I did without writing a novel, but I'll try to to be brief. I was raised by a very authoritarian mother. The answer to everything was "Because I said so". I was raised to blindly obey authority and to absolutly never question it. My opinion mattered very little, but my behavior was held to the highest standards. The lesson this left with me is that a "good" parent must always be in charge and in control and that a "good" child must be quiet and mindful. I KNEW this wasn't the way I wanted to raise my kids, but it is the standard with which I measured my ability as a parent. Well, when Grif's hitting started I viewed it immediatly as a reflection of my parenting. My immediate concern was how to control his behavior. I was concerned about what was making him act out, but that concern was shadowed by my need to stop him. When gentle discussion didn't work I felt I had no choice but to step it up so I yelled. When yelling didn't work I tried time outs. When time outs didn't work I occasionally resorted to hitting him back :bag: . I knew this was wrong, but I was feeling so out of control and was in a power struggle with him and determined to win. This book gave me permission to listen to the little voice inside me that was screaming "Stop working against him and work with him." It opened my eyes to the possibility that my own anger was fueling his and that the methods I was using to stop him from hitting were filling him with the rage that made him hit. Okay, so what did I do instead? First I started working hard on restoring balance and happiness in my family. I paid more attention to eating healthy and I started really limiting TV (We'd been watching way too much since the baby arrived 3 months ago). I started playing more and having fun with him. This time allowed me to relax and view him as the wonderfully spirited child he his and not as "a hitter". I structured our days in a way that gave him less reason to hit (more outside time, saying no only when absolutly necessary, shorter playdates). When he did hit I would quickly do a rundown in my head to find a reason and I'd respond with it in mind. Examples :
He hits a friend who is walking over to him during a playdate. I quickly run over and say "We don't hit because it hurts Cody and now he's crying. Were you upset because he was coming towards your toy?" If he says yes than I suggest finding a different toy and bringing it over to Cody for him to use.

He hits me and starts tantruming because I had to say no about something. I scoop him up in my arms and give him a big hug. I say "I'm very sorry I had to say no, but playing with the electrical socket is very dangerous. I know it makes you angry, but you can't hit me. You can hit the bed if you are realy mad. Maybe we can find something else to play with.

I'd love to give more examples, but both kids are being needy and DH isn't feeling very helpful right now. Hopefully I can find time later to write.

[TortelliniMama]

Wow, you've really turned things around for your family! That's awesome. I hope you're very proud of yourself! :thumb

[Mamaga]

Wow! You are amazing! I'm ordering UP today! DD is just about to turn 15 months and I'm starting to see how things are beginning to change for her (and for us) and that all the theory about Gentle Discipline is about to get turned into practice. You should feel great about yourself - and your son!

Sylvia