Question for Dads with kids not living with them

[Mami]

My dh's daughter is almost 10 and lives in Australia with her mom. Dh and the mom were never a couple, just had a 'fling' and made their dd. Dh and I have a 2 yr old together but I'll be referring to his first dauther. Dh's relationship with his dd has been somewhat lacking since he left Aus when she was about 1 or 2 and the mom was very angry at him and didn't allow much contact after that. When I met dh his daughter was 5 or 6 and I encouraged him to try and get in touch with his dd again. Long story short, he now has contact with her again, we've been back to visit twice and he calls her every few weeks and sends b-day presents and such. My question is for help with how to better connect with her. She doesn't talk much when he calls and keeps her feelings pretty bottled up. I'm a little worried that he's setting himself up for a very hard time with her as she gets older. Are there any books out there that might help him? Or any other advice from dads that have been there? Thanks :)

[rdl2k5]

I come from a divorced family where my father lived 30 minutes away and had regular visitation. Let me say that being "closer" and having all that time didn't make us any closer. He'll need to be resilient and actually listen and care what she's saying. Growing up, my life revolved around "money"

Let's eat dinner out, let's go spend money, here's a gift, look how big the present I got you was. My dad has always (to this day) been a self centered person. I have never to this day felt like he cared the least bit about anything that was going on in my life. I am too old and involved in other things for that to be a real issue anymore.

I've come to terms with this situation as I now have a family of my own to focus on.

So having been the child in this relationship and now having a family of my own, It's important that he focus 100% on her and her alone. (Meaning in their conversations and time together, it needs to be kid focussed) My dad was very bad about "Your mother said.." and trying to stir up mischief (my mom did it too) Negativity towards her mother will accomplish nothing.

But do remember she's a 10 year old. That's about the age my parents got divorced (I think it was nine) She may not seem receptive to what he's doing now but IT DOES MATTER. Him giving up or being great right now will have a huge influence.

I say this because 3 months after my parents were divorced on a normal weekly visit, my dad picked me up from my mom's house, took me to Profitts to buy a suit and drove me an hour away. The next day I was the best man in his wedding to his second wife. At the time, I was only 9 so it didn't have immediate effect, but it has stuck with me quite a long time. No notice, I came home to my mom and said "Guess what we did this weekend..."

I have a cordial relationship with my dad, but this situation as well as some others will never allow us to be anything more than "business associates" and the "It's christmas, let's act like a family" times.

Sorry for the sidetrack, but to sum up. What he's doing now may not seem important or influential, it may be discouraging to get the cold shoulder at times, but if he wants a future relationship with his daughter, it's important he does it "right" now.

Coming from the "presents father", and seeing as you want to be involved, why don't you help him pick out really thoughtful presents for her? Ones that he makes, ones that are really special and require thought. That's just a suggestion. Sending a gift is fun for a little while, but the ones that stick are the ones that take a lot of heart and thought.

Rich

[fire_lady]

Tell DH not to push to hard. Gifts and calls doesnt do much for a child. They need more quality and loving time together. They should do activities that both of them will enjoy and cherish.

:)

[trinity6232000]

I am a single mom. Our situations are different but I wanted to add
my 2 cents. :wink This could take a lot of time and effort to create
any bond between them both. When your dh left the country she was
a babe. Then got into contact at 5, now she is ten. With only a couple
of visits with face to face contact dd doesn't really know her dad.
If I were him I would make the phone calls more often, and take details
that she does say on the phone to create note cards and gifts. I am not
saying that gifts are important because of money, but because if they
are personal to her it means he is listening to what she says. Which in
turn creates more trust and maybe her sharing more information and
talking more.
When he talks to her he might have to ask her more questions while
keeping conversation light. He could keep notes. When she mentions
things about school, or bands she is listening to, or friends. From that
writing notes to her like I hope you did well on that test, or if she is
involved with sports sending her a homemade card with stickers on it
for the sport she plays, and writing something personal for her to know
he loves her and is listening to her. If she mentioned her favorite color
maybe buying her a journal in that color, writing something special on
the first page about how becoming an adult is hard and how sometimes
writing it down helps. She says she likes tigers, buying her a really cool
book on the subject.
I think the note cards of encouragement are more important than the gifts,
but every few months getting a little package in the mail that is personal.
Not just some thing to send. I think that would mean a lot to a 10 yo.

Like I said I am a single Mom. My ex for sometime put on a good effort
to stay involved, and for his own reasons he hasn't had much contact
with our dd for over a year now. On the two times they did get time he
lavished her with expensive cheesy gifts she had no need for, and to tell
the truth she never played with much. Because they weren't personal.
It said nothing about the two of them or her interests.
I was once very close to my niece until they moved across the country.
I keep in contact with her with notes and small presents. Last year she
mentioned she wanted to be a cat for halloween. This was far before
October. So I went and bought her some supplies at the art store (she
loves crafts). Wrote some instructions on how she could make her own
costume. She called me so happy when they dressed up for school. She
was so pleased with what she had made, herself. I buy her books I loved
at her age. Little craft things. When she started to play the saxophone
I sent her a CD of jazz. Little things. I try to do this every 3-4 months.

Before she just starts talking about feelings, she will have to feel a connection
to base on. Just staying interested, and telling her she is loved will help.
Imagine you were ten, some guy comes to visit a couple of times, and then
calls...what would you talk to him about? You know.

But give it time. She doesn't know your dh well, and with all relationships
it takes time to develop them. He may very well be setting himself up for
hurt as she grows up, but that's parenthood. We're all setting ourselves
up when our children hit puberty. It's the name of the game. :)
All my love, prayers, blessings.

[Mami]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies. I know everything you have said is true and I try very hard to encourage dh to call more and at least open himself up to her even if it's hard for her to talk. My parents also separated when I was really young and my father was across the world from me but he was very involved and called a lot and sent lots of very creative and thoughtful gifts. I always idolized my father and although we've gone thru some rough times I know he always loved me and he was torn apart by being so far from me. I guess I don't really get that from my dh for his daughter and I just wish I could help him make more of an effort. I was hoping to find like a book or something he could read in his own time rather than have me nag him about it. I've stopped reminding him that he needs to call his daughter because I figure he needs to live with the consequences of his actions. Sigh, thanks for your input and I will think more about how to talk to him about it.

[fek&fuzz]

My dear friend has a 12 y.o. daughter, also conceived with someone who he was not in a serious relationship with, and she has lived far away from him since she was about 6 (removed from the state by her mother after daughter had been living with her dad for years and he had no rights because they never married, but that's another story). She visits during summer and holidays, but keeping in contact with her when she's not here isn't always easy. He calls her every night, but most nights just gets voicemail (he leaves her messages about his day, etc.) He also emails a few times a week, and send her things (not gifts really, but things she might be interested in.) He gets sad when they don't talk in person for a while (I'm not sure how much mom does to encourage the communication) but I think it is good that his daughter knows he is thinking of her every day.
Maybe your husband could call once a week, email a few times a week, and send cards on occasions. The more normal it becomes, when they can just talk about their days instead of having it be a big production, it might get better.
Would her mom ever let her come visit him here?
The daughter might not always act like it is a big deal, and might not open up too much, but I think it still would mean a lot to feel like her dad thought of her all the time.