First baby and hard to manage

[sarahlynn83]

I am writing this to hopefully help me to deal
with my loss. I found out that I was pregant on August 7th, 2005, which
also happened to be my first anniversary with my husband. We were so happy
and excited. It was going to be the first grandbaby on both sides of our
family. We kind of knew that I was pregant since July 23rd becasue I had
been very sick from the beginning. I had scheduled my first prenatal app.
and we were just really excited.

Then on Aug. 18th, I went to work not feeling well at all, I was sicker than
I normaly was ( I usually only got sick once, but that day by 11 I had
gotten sick 3 times). I was on my break and I had called my sister to talk
to her because she was having a really bad daya nd i told her I would call
her back at 1 when I got off work. By the time that I got home at 1:15 I
had started bleeding. I called my mom, sister, and husband hysterical ( my
mom and grandmother had 5 m/c and 2 tubal pregancies combined). I did not
want to beleive what I was seeing. My husband rushed home and by 2 I was in
the ER.

Just to let everyone know I am only 22 been married for one year and this
was my first baby. This was and still is very overwhelming for me.

When I got to the ER I was immediately taken to a room and sat there for
ever it felt like unitl a nurse came in. She took my bp and temp and I had
a temp and extremely high bp. They were pretty concerned at that point.
Then the doctor came in and did a pelvic and some blood work. Then she went
and got the OB/GYN on call to come down to the ER. By this point I am
shaking and crying the entire time.

The new doc came in with a med student. Now I am just embarrassed and feel
like a side show. He does another pelvic and says that I am probably just
spotting. He has the nurse do fetal heart tones and she cannot find
anything but the placenta. But she was really nice, she said maybe the baby
is just in a bad spot. So that made me feel a little bit better at one
point. Then the doc does an ultrasound and she cannot find anything to say
that I am even pregant. But it is 5 now and I have not been to the bathroom
since 1 and my bladder is completely full. He said that was the reason
because it was casting a shadow on all of my organs. He leaves and says
that he will be back when the blood work comes back.

He lied he did not come back. The first doctor came back and she was not
nice at all. Basically she said that my pregancy hormones were low and that
I am in the process of having a m/c and that is why I am bleeding, and that
my body is rejecting my baby, and then she sent my on my way. I said it
nicer than she did, she was mean and cold, and had not heart or feeling.
After she left my husband just held me for a few minutes and helped me get
dressed and took me home.

Once we got home my mom called and talked to me for a bit. The several days
were very hard. I bled and threw up from Thursday until Sunnday afternoon.
THen on Monday had to go to school. I am Student Teaching, I am paying to
be a 4th grade teacher. It was my first week so I had to go, my professor
said I could go half days if I needed buy that I have to go.
When I was at school I kept busy, but when I am at home, by myself, I feel
so sad and empty and cry alot. my mom says that I am over reacting about
the whole thing, but it just hurts soooooo bad. This week has been really
bad becasue of Hurricane Katrina I have no school until at least tuesday.
The school I am working at has damaged pretty good and they have to figure
something out.

What I do not understand about this is that I bled, and it was like a nornal
period, I had a few blod clots and that was it. I did not pass anything
that even resembled tissue. I was supposed to have a doctors app. om Monday
but the hurricane kind of canclled that one. I have to reschedule it once
they get power. They are going to do some blood work to dinf out if i am
Rh+ and my baby was Rh-.

This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with in my short
life. I have dealt with death of close family, friends, but this hurts soo
much more than I would have ever imagined.

[Debstmomy]

I am so sorry Mama! :hugs

[jaye]

:hug

so sorry for your loss. don't listen to anyone who says you are over reacting.
take care of yourself!

[JBaxter]

I am so sorry for you. I m/c my first baby and it was especially hard for me. Have you been back to your ob yet? I would just to make sure everything is ok with you. :hug

[BumbleBena]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hug

I do NOT think you are overreacting. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Just know that you and your precious baby are in my thoughts.

Take good care of yourself.

[craftykitty]

:hug I'm so sorry, sweetie! Please don't let anything make you feel like this experience wasn't monumental. It was and is. I lost my first baby to mc also, at 13 weeks. I was only 16. No one wanted me to be be pregnant - it was the dark cloud over our family. I was shocked when I learned of the baby, but by the time I lost her, I was on cloud 9 about having her. :( MC is very, very hard. I'm wishing you positive healing vibes and hugs.....

[JennInSeattle]

I too m/c'd my first baby and it was so incredibly painful for me. By the end of the first week my family was done feeling sympathetic and just wanted to move on but I was far from ready. In my experience it takes 4-6 months to do the majority of the grieving necessary and when people come in the way of it that only makes it more intensified.

There's no time limit, there's no cap on how emotional you are allowed to feel. Your mother is probably just too far removed and doesn't remember very well how she felt - perhaps it's like child birth and you just don't quite remember the intensity of the pain after a while. I suppose that's the Lord's way of encouraging us to keep on trying, if the pain remained fresh in our minds we might not want to do it again but He heals us and He can comfort if we ask.

Miscarraige is one of the hardest things I've had to go through in my life and the person who scoffs had better think twice. You can't judge the depth of another person's pain, to be a mother - to feel that life in you, it's a beautiful and precious thing. Now each time I get pregnant I try to be thankful for every day with that little one and enjoy it because I never know how long I'll have with it. And with your family history I'd encourage you to do the same.

Also, this past m/c I lost the baby (in fact I'm still in the process of m/c) at 7 weeks 2 days. When the tech did the u/s she said she couldn't see anything to confirm that I had even been pregnant. The doctor upon further review did find something but I know that feeling.. asking how that could possibly be?! When a baby dies on it's own often our bodies will re-absorb most of the baby and then begin to pass the remaining tissue and placenta - especially at such an early stage in pregnancy and that's exactly what my body did.

The doctor saying that your body was rejecting the baby is clearly wrong in my mind. Because if your body was rejecting it you'd see an intact sac and baby and you might even see the baby alive and then have the final m/c a few days later. I've had that happen. But when a baby dies on it's own - that's when your body takes care of things first. Not every baby is made perfectly, sometimes the chromosomes don't seperate right or some are missing. It's not our body's fault when that happens. Reproduction is a very complicated thing and I think it's just amazing that our bodies even do it! :) So don't blame yourself or your body in any way, just know that the next baby may be perfect and the best thing you can do is take care of yourself, allow yourself to grieve as deeply as you need and for as long as you need and make sure someone is supporting you as well. If you believe in God and pray then I encourage you to do so, you'll find healing in His arms.

Oh and one more thing, the other day I was talking to my mom about all the pregnant women around me (lamenting really) and she said something that initially made me feel frustrated because I felt it had nothing to do with me but has now really grown on me and helps me when I start feeling down or frustrated about those who've been able to become and remain pregnant. She said, "You can't stop the birds from flying but you can stop them from making a nest in your hair". I know how weird that sounds but I take it to mean that you can't stop the world from getting pregnant but you can stop them from nesting in your heart and allowing hurt to swell. Just think about it, it may help you when you need it.. "You can't stop the birds from flying but you can stop them from making a nest in your hair.".. it's such a weird saying but it continues to mean a lot to me when I need it! :hug

You're in my prayers.

[sarahlynn83]

Thank you so much!!!!

[pjabslenz]

So sorry for your loss.

:Hug
Janetann