I'm getting discouraged...

[Persephone]

Dh called his mom last night, and she was telling us about stuff she's bought for the baby. She's bought hats (I've been making hats, so the baby is totally set there!), a photo album, and a lil handprint set. All very cute, but what we need right now are diapers, clothes, and such. And then she asked about a stroller, and I told her we'll need a sling sooner than a stroller, and we'll use it more. (Much confusion over the sling) And THEN she asked about a jolly jumper thingy! I KNOW we won't use that! Our space isn't big enough for baby activity centers, playpens, jumpers, walkers, etc. THAT"S why they aren't on the registry! Add that to my mom who has said that no one who is coming to my shower will buy anything on my registry anyway, and I'm really starting to get nervous. I tallied up the total cost of everything we need, and it's over $800! Maybe I should just ask for cash. It's easier to give. :(

Then MIL asked about our midwife, so dh was reading to her from the contract, about who she is, and what she believes. And he got to the clause about how she won't take clients who aren't going to bf. And she went off on how dh got Enfamil because he wasn't gaining weight, but he had a dairy allergy so he got soy (as if soy is somehow better!), and HE turned out fine; and poor dh is left explaining why breasmilk is superior to formula. :down :love And then she goes into how we'll need bottles, so dh can feed the baby too. (I've already told dh if he wants to feed the baby, he can induce lacation. :)) And he said, "No mom, if I want to feed the baby, I'll just hold the boob." I overheard him, and said, "You'd like that, wouldn't you? :mischief ) And THEN she went into when we would introduce formula and start solids!! Good grief woman, the baby isn't even here yet! It's gotta bake 20 more weeks! Later she said, "You can't keep the natural stuff up forever, it's too tiring!" Um, not for me, it's not. It's part of who I am.

Anyway, I'm really discouraged now, and I'm afraid I'm going to end up with a bunch of bewildered people at my shower and a bunch of gifts I can't use. I'd almost rather not have a shower than have to go to the trouble of returning a bunch of things. :( Which makes me feel really shallow, but I've spent a lot of time honing our registry down to a list of bare essentials plus a few nice things (Like an Ellaroo instead of a homemade wrap). I don't want to be ungrateful, but I wish people would think of the necessities before the fluffy cutesy stuff. I swear, if I get a teddy bear that has a heartbeat my head will explode. That's very nice if you aren't going to have the baby next to you, with your OWN heartbeat! *cry*

[Hollin]

I'm not having a shower for this very reason. I had to be very specific with MIL for fear that I would end up with a bunch of American flag-covered baby items, bottles, stuff we don't need or have space for, etc. I asked for her help to make a nursing necklace to try to get her pro-bfing. Maybe you could give her a special job, like making an item for the baby if she sews, quilts, or knits/crohets and gently let her know that you'd like to pick out everything else. I put the blame on myself by saying that I was incredibly picky about baby stuff, which I kind of am.

I also have the same trouble with only wanting the essentials. We've bought all baby clothes second hand and have no need for a bunch of cutesy, impractical outfits, yet that seems to be the only thing anyone wants to buy :( Good luck with your dilemma!

[because]

The thing to remember is that everyone is really excited for this baby. It's hard when they express their love so differently than you do - but try to see it in its sincere form.

That said, I've got two words for you: "GIFT RECEIPTS"

And if people don't include them, it's amazing what stores will take back anyway. I am ruthless with returns (for baby showers, Christmas, birthdays, etc.) and we have a fairly small amount of crap around that we don't want. Anything that you simply can't return save to re-gift. You're at that stage where you'll be going to alot of showers and know alot of friends having babies so it's easy to re-wrap that Blues Clues baby book or the Disney Princess mobile or whatever and pass it along (just gotta swallow the pride first).

Trust me, no one has a less baby-friendly extended family or a more wanna-be-involved-THEIR-way set of in-laws than I do. It'll be OK. Promise.

[RosieTook]

And he said, "No mom, if I want to feed the baby, I'll just hold the boob."

Good for your dh!!! :thumb

I'm sorry you are feeling discouraged, I know how hard it is when people treat your choices like that. I hope you're able to get what you need (slings ROCK!!) and she will lay off with the formula! (dd is exc. bf and she is almost 1!!)

I agree with the pp...take things back if you can and regift if not. And be FIRM about what you want, tell everyone you talk too...that way you're more likely to get what you need!! :)

[Willowrose]

Why don't you do a Blessingway instead? I had one with DS #2 and will probably do one this time as well. When I had my first son, I had the traditional baby shower, but got mainly necessities...car seat/diapers/slings/clothes/boppy pillow/etc...only stuff DH and I knew for certain we would need.
I have been to so many showers where the gifts were kind of useless, IMO. I would definitely look into a Blessingway. It is still very special without all the useless frills. Good luck and I am sorry you are feeling so discouraged. I know it's overwhelming.

[Persephone]

See, the thing is, we NEED the financial support. A blessingway is beautiful, but having help getting the baby stuff is important. And that's the whole point of a baby shower. All the stuff on our registry is a list of *needs*. Once I have the first baby, I won't need another shower, anything else we need for a second child we can prolly get ourselves. And I'd love a blessingway then. But... we still need the financial assistance with the first. My Christmas list is pretty much going to be the registry minus whatever we get at the shower. Maybe I should put a short list of things we don't need on the registry? (Which isn't at one particular store, it's a webpage with very detailed items of what we need, hyperlinked to the actual page that you can order from. I can't make it much easier than that.) Maybe I should just ask my mom to cancel the shower. :(

[MamaTaraX]

I'll tell you one thing: You automatically get a sling from me because I'm attending your birth, so don't worry about that. Heck, I'll give it to you next time I see you if it'll make you feel better. I gift all mymoms with slings whenever I can.
When I first saw your registry and wish list stuff, I had a feelingyou'd end up discouraged. People don't know about that stuff, don't wnat to know, and are reluctant to buy cloth diapers and things like that. If you get a bunch of clothes, that's better than a bunch of bottles ;) I'm not sure I'd cancel the shower or anything, I'djustbe really insistant thatthese are things we need and if you won't get these things you'renotsure about, then get the baby socks and onsies, everybody can hack that. My DH has a great theory about what babies "need" Two arms to hold them, two boobs to feed them, and one mouth kiss them. ;) Everything else can come in time. You can cloth diaper a baby for very little, so if others don't get you diapers, you can at least "splurge" and buy that. Then you have diapers, sling, andI'msure a plethora of onsies and really, that's all you need to start out with. Maybe you could whittleyour list down to some very basic things. Specific types of things like onsies,blanket sleepers, blankets,a carseat -- things everyone understands, things you need,and things you are more likely to get than say wooden rattles and cloth diaper accessories.

I'm sorry it's so discouraging. Kudos to your DH for touting the joys of breastfeeding though! I love it when mine does stuff like that :)

Namaste, Tara

[Boobiemama]

I hope this doesnt sound awful, but each time I am pregnant, I breathe a sigh of relief my MIL passed away. She was a lovely lady, but dealing with her for one pregnancy was enough.

Its so hard, and unfair that when we are pregnant we have to deal with things like this.

[kellywhalen]

Don't be discouraged!
I returned nearly half of the stuff from my first shower, and was able to outfit our first for nearly a year in gifts and returns.
We were in the same shoes (financially), and ended up with way more stuff than we needed for one baby!
You'll get plenty of clothes and blankets and the car seat from the shower, and anything like bottles or polyester clothing (ICK!) that you get, return it!
If you can't return it, re-gift it or take it to a consignment shop.
Also, consider buying the diapers and accessories yourself. You can get them cheaply online-especially if you don't mind used.
If you end up desperate for stuff, let us all know, I'm sure someone has some stuff they could send you.
As far as you MIL's comments, they do hit home, but be strong-you'll never agree, so just agree to disagree, and expose yourself to her as little as possible! (DH often listens to the ILs crap, and doens't pass it on to me!)
Also, she probably is trying to justify her own feelings.

[beachcomber]

Whenever Relic and i talk about the multitude of pink things we totally expect to get from my step-mother, he says, "That's what eBay is for!" He's totally right, too. I'm not going to hang on to anything that doesn't fit with our philosophy. And eBay or consignment kid's clothing/toy stores are a great way to get some benefit if you can't return items to the stores they were bought from.

The only shower I'm having is at work. And I know that it's not going to be anything big. Probably some clothes and a few blankets, and gift sets. Work people don't buy "big" items. I'm just hoping I can influence the color away from pink and the cake (there's always a cake) away from Costco slab carrot cake with nauseating fake cream cheese frosting. That seems to be the cake of choice at work funcitons lately. Gag.

[Persephone]

Thanks. I don't think I'll end up desperate, because we could find a way to pay for it all evn without the shower, but it wouldn't be by the time the baby got here, and it would seriously wreck our budget. But it's nice to know you all don't think I'm shallow or materialistic (really, I'm not, my list is bare minimum for us) and... I can do Ebay. And consignment stores are a nice idea too. That's where I was planning on going for clothes anyway. (Whatever we don't get at the shower.)

But I"m NOT changing my list to make it more mainstream friendly! No one has to "get" it to use my registry... Whenever there's a baby shower or wedding, I *always* get something off the registry whether I "get" it or not, because that's something that they have decided they need. Now I try to choose something that I would buy them anyway, but if not, I get them something from the registry anyway. (Like a good childhood friend of mine put games and DVDs on her wedding registry. I don't get that. To me, registries are for housing needs. But hey, if that's what she wants... who am I to knock it? Grr. I digress.)

[MamaTaraX]

I'm not suggesting changing it to be more mainstream, just take off some ofthemore out there things they really won't get. People really are more likely to getyou things if they know what they are, even remotely, as superficial as it sounds. And like someone else says, if all else fails, budget some of the stuff in for yourself. You can cltoh diaper a baby it's entire life for like $50 or something and there's nothing like a good thrift store for clothes :) Think of it like this: Babies cost money. When they getbigger, they cost more. May as well get used to spending a little early on so it won't hurt so much in the long run LOL

Namaste, Tara
mama to Doodle (6), Butterfly (2), and Rythm (due at home 1/06)

[Persephone]

Well... I didn't put the sheela na gig on there. ;)

Seriously, I can't imagine what could possibly be on there that people wouldn't understand what it is... other than the Ellaroo, which, when you click the link, goes to a picture of a mom with a baby on her back... seems pretty straightforward to me.

I'm aware that kids cost money. But babies don't cost that much. Kids cost more, yes. But why not get all the help we can? It's the same reason I'm letting the mothers come over after the birth. To help. Cause I'm gonna need it. Babies take up energy. But why do it all myself if I don't have to?

I came here to vent, not to defend myself.

[MamaTaraX]

Calm down mama. :Hug I'm not trying to make you defend yourself. I don't remember everything that was on the list, I just though perhaps some thigns I did remember were kindof, I dunno, I can't think of a word, my brain is fried. I think what I'm trying to do is come to you from a been there, done that perspective in regards to asking for things. Believe me, I've been asking for things for years and I never get what we need. I'm sorry if I made you feel defensive, you know I love you and wouldn't ever want to upset you!

Namaste, Tara
mama to Doodle (6), Butterfly (2), and Rythm (due at home 1/06)

[ScotiaSky]

You might be surprised at what you get.

I kept our registry main stream as the one shower was a total surprise and the one I regisitred for was my work shower and I knew they would splurge and get at least one big item(in the end they got my a bunch of big things like the high chair, FP Rocker chair which I still use and a few other useful items)

Now my surprise shower was big I mean really big....we got a lots of clothes of varies sizes up to 2 years, more receiving blankets then I can count and 50 yes 50 bibs, too bad most are the ones that are cheap plastic backed and are supposed to be handwash yeah right they fell apart after one wash.

My kid was not a spitter but if he was they would have came in handy.
I took most of the items that were in overabundance and put them in stroage for the next babe who will get brand new things of his/her own.
I also got so many small facecloths which are great as cloth wipes if need be.

And what ever is left over after this one can be given away or sold.

Yes we recived some items such as bottles and paci's...although I only left our son when he was old enough to drink expressed milk from a sippy. They came in use for storing pumped milk until I could get some freezer bags for BM..the paci's are still in their package...I guess I could regift them on to someone whos child is already using one...Try not to encourage the habit in others.
You will get more stuffed animals then possible(and they keep coming) I kept the special ones, they are hanging in a Ikea storage thingy and the rest got sent to Sally Ann.

Now the best part was we got a lot of cash which went towards our more alternative purchases and when I wrote the Thank you letter included that your gift helped us buy so many months of cloth diaper service or our co-sleeper etc so they got the hint that we do things a bit differently then others.
And sure enough at Christmas many asked what we needed and was very good about buying low tech toys and books. :)

[Persephone]

Tara- It's ok. I'll just blame it on pregnancy hormones, ok? :innocent

Sigh. You all are right. Ebay makes me happy. And I know I'll get some stuff that isn't on the list, and that's ok. I just hope that SOMETHING there is on the list. After hearing what my MIL has got us, I just really started to worry. But then, she's the MIL. She's supposed to drive you crazy, right? :rolleyes

[MamaTaraX]

Bigger baby and clothes are great! We got some too the first time around and at first I thought "how silly!" but then I was like "this is great!!" When I give pregnant people clothes,I tend to givethem at least 6 mos clothes because everybody else gives newborn clothes. Luckily, my kids could wear those newborn clothes forever but people have big babies sometimes and they don't last forever on any kid let alone ones that start out big.

Namaste, Tara
mama to Doodle (6), Butterfly (2), and Rythm (due at home 1/06)

[Raisingarrows]

:Hug
Unfortunately, it doesn't get any easier. They never get what you desperately need or want for the child's birthday or Christmas or anything. They buy Barbie dolls when you've specifically banned them, they buy your children videos b/c they think you are depriving them since you don't have any television channels, they take the children on an outing and bring them home loaded w/ sugar and toting every annoying plastic toy from every vending machine between here and Timbuktu...

Oh wait, that's my life :LOL

I have 3 children, one on the way and my oldest is 7 and I think my persistance is finally starting to pay off. Not in big ways mind you, but DH and I have not backed down despite the "you are so wierd" comments. Every birthday and holiday I make a list of the practical things we need and beg relatives to buy those first. Then and only then may they buy useless junk otherwise known as toys. :LOL However, I do still hide the fact that 95% of what they buy ends up at Goodwill--I just don't think they can handle that.

You will get through this and you will be a stronger mother b/c of it! Be easy w/ them (you'll have plenty of opportunities to be tough w/ them as time goes on b/c let's face it, "you are so wierd!" :nut ) Even though the relatives don't "get us" they are at least starting to respect us enought to stop completely ignoring our wishes.

Hang in there!

[Wugmama]

When I had my first baby, I went to Target for a gift registry. Can you say, "mainstream"? And still, we got next to nothing off of our registry list. People just want to buy what they want. We ended up spending over $500 in one shot at Target on baby stuff ourselves, half of which we didn't need! :LOL

I'm sorry you are in a situation where you have to be worried about getting what you need - both my husband and I grew up in families that had to watch every penny so we know what that is like - stressful!!!! We are very blessed financially now, but I will never forget that feeling of having to worry about money. :(

Try to think of a big part of the significance of your shower as being to be surrounded by people who love you and your baby and want to celebrate that with you. People are very busy these days and when they make it to someone's event, like a baby shower, it is because they CARE! Soak up all the love and attention that you will get, it can be wonderful, even if the people there don't share your baby-raising philosophies. :love I felt really supported by all the people who came to my shower - I hope you will too! And maybe you will even get some of the things you need/want!

~Tracy

[ehsclt]

Try to think of a big part of the significance of your shower as being to be surrounded by people who love you and your baby and want to celebrate that with you. People are very busy these days and when they make it to someone's event, like a baby shower, it is because they CARE! Soak up all the love and attention that you will get, it can be wonderful, even if the people there don't share your baby-raising philosophies. :love I felt really supported by all the people who came to my shower - I hope you will too! And maybe you will even get some of the things you need/want!

:thumb that, Wugmama! Well said.

Persephone, I am a lot like you in that I know what I want and I have learned to say it (when I am giving gifts, I always want to be sure I'm giving something someone wants and therefore, I try to hint around, or, in the case of a registry, say what I want or need when I know I am going to be receiving gifts.) And, on the other hand, I believe it is true that even those people who just don't get it, and it sounds like maybe there will be many of them :( , do care and wish the best for you and your baby. Hopefully their gifts will be returnable and you can hold onto the good sentiments and turn the gifts into something that will work better for you When is this shower? You must let us know how it goes!

[Persephone]

People are very busy these days and when they make it to someone's event, like a baby shower, it is because they CARE! Soak up all the love and attention that you will get, it can be wonderful, even if the people there don't share your baby-raising philosophies. :love I felt really supported by all the people who came to my shower - I hope you will too! And maybe you will even get some of the things you need/want!

Thanks, Tracy. That's a really good point. I often feel like people don't care too much for me (it's from depression, but it's gotten better), and so it's really meaningful to me when people do show they care. The shower will be nice just because of that. :)


The shower is in early Nov, first week I believe (the date has changed so many times because of the availability of our church and me needing to work around my clients). But the grandmothers have already started buying stuff. :) My mom has been really good, she bought us a ton of onesies, and a blanket, it's my MIL that's been buying some of the more fluffy things. A friend of my parents even whipped out this hand knit blanket really fast for us, it was so sweet of her. (I really value handmade things, because of the time and thought involved. :))

[Wugmama]

Oh, I know, I really value handmade things too. That is awesome about the blanket!

It is seriously a bummer when people spend money on things you DON'T need when there really are things you could use, isn't it? But I bet your shower will still be fun. You are the center of attention - try to enjoy it!